UPJOKE

Can You Believe Jokes

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Mark says to John: "Can you believe that an Arab millionaire saw my wife and told me that he would pay her weight in gold?"

John: "I can't believe it, and what did you say?"
Mark: "I asked him if he could wait a month."
John: "So you can think about it?"
Mark: "No, to make her fat."

Can you believe marijuana is still illegal in Jamaica?

Bob Marley must be rolling in his grave.

My neighbour just banged on the wall at 4.20am, can you believe it!!? Luckilly I was still up playing music.

He banged and shouted ' can we have a little respect please!'

I shouted back..., 'I'm not a big Erasure fan, but ok this one's for you!'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can you believe what happened in DC?

Never seen so much press for a micropenis convention, at least none I’ve been to.

Can you believe people are still in Louisiana?

Ida been gone a while ago

Can you believe that guy told me i'm spiteful?

I still want to kick his ass! Even after twenty five years!

Can you believe I was thrown out of my church for claiming Jesus spoke with a lisp?

It was a real slap in the faith...

My neighbour started banging on my wall at 3:20am this morning, can you believe it?

Fortunately, I was still up, listening to music on my new speakers.

I turned it up louder to drown him out but he kept banging and shouted “can we have a little respect please?”

I shouted back “I’m not a big Aretha Franklin fan but OK, this one’s for you”

Can you believe that only 40% of American homes have a safety switch?

I was shocked!

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Can you believe a man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter...

How dairy!

Can you believe the Canadian prime minister's name isn't Trump?

It's Trudeau...

Can you believe my coworker called me patronizing?

Oh, sorry, patronizing is when you talk down to someone.

Neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 in the morning last nite. 2:30am! Can you believe it?

He was so damn lucky I was still up playing my drums or I would've lost it.
Some people have no consideration for others.

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Can you believe their still together after all the shit they've been through? Who?

Your butt cheeks

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Can you believe i can teach you how to tie rope while taking a crap?

I shit, you knot.

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They just offered me sex in exchange for advertising a new detergent brand, can you believe it?

Of course I did not accept, because my will is strong, as strong as the new Axion liquid cleaner, the only true grease and stain remover, now with a new and irresistible vanilla-cherry scent.

"All the shops have been smashed open, there was a whole bunch of people across the street helping themselves to musical instruments, can you believe that?"

"Yeah," said Rincewind. "Luters, I expect."

* Terry Pratchett, *The Light Fantastic*

Two guys are sitting next to each other in a pub.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm...

The Sun's Birthday

It's the Sun's birthday, so the whole Solar system is thinking about gifts. Earth, after thinking for a while, decides to gift the Sun the element Technetium, since it's a gift that no other planet could have given. The party goes by, and the Sun accepts the Technetium graciously and politely.
<...

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Some great one-liners.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought. I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My neigh...

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