UPJOKE

Can I Borrow Jokes

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking...

CHRIS: Hey can I borrow a ten?

KRISTEN: Sure

CHRISTEN: Thanks!

KRIS: Any time!

- Dad, can I borrow 10 pounds?

- 15 pounds? Why do you need 20 pounds?

I went to the library. I said,"Can I borrow a book about suicide?"

The guy said,"We did have one, but we never got it back."

Can I borrow your dog ?

A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual funeral.
A funeral Coffin was followed by a second one. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.
Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached t...

Son: Hey dad, can I borrow ten dollars in Bitcoin?

Dad: Twenty dollars and thirteen cents? Why in God's name do you need to borrow nine dollars and sixty-seven cents?

Hey Ryu, can I borrow $20?

Shoryuken!

Jewish kid: Hey dad can I borrow $50?

Dad: What $40, what would you possibly need $30 for?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Redneck daughter says "Daddy, can I borrow the truck?" (NSFW)

Her dad replies, "sure thing baby, but first, you gotta come I've here and suck my dick." So she goes down on him, but pulls away and yells, "damn Daddy, your dick tastes like shit!" Her dad says, "oh yeah, that's right, your brother borrowed the truck bout an hour ago, sorry."

Can I borrow ten dollars?

Can I borrow ten dollars, but can you only give me five dollars now?

Why do I only want five dollars, you ask? Well, then you'd owe me five dollars, and I'd owe you five dollars, and then we'd both be even.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can I borrow the car?

There's a family in Alabama that consists of a dad and his son and daughter. One day the daughter goes downstairs to her dad and asks, "daddy, can I borrow the car tonight to go to my friends party?"

The dad replies with "you know what you've gotta do if you want to borrow the car" and winke...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A trick with a tie

Son: Dad! I learned an awesome new trick at school in science class. Can I borrow your tie?

Dad: Let's see it.

Son: if we fold your tie in half, and roll the fat end toward the middle, and the thin end toward the middle, we have two rolls - one big and one small, both the same length...

A man goes to see his doctor.

The doctor asks him what the problem is.
The man says, "I'm really not sure how to describe it. I guess the best way is for you to hold your stethoscope to my thigh and have a listen."
The doctor holds his stethoscope to the man's thigh and hears a little voice say, " Hey man, can I borrow $2...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stranded

So a plane crashes near a deserted island, and the only survivors are Megan Fox and a guy named Bill. So for months, Bill builds her a shelter, catches fish, cooks, and takes care of Megan, while being a perfect gentleman.

So then Megan approaches Bill one night, and they make passionate lov...

A Man is going for a Walk.

After walking for a few minutes, he comes across a strange Scene.

A Priest, followed by a few Men carrying 2 Coffins, followed by a Man with a Dog on the Leash and behind them.must be around 100 other Men in a row.

The Man aproaches the Dog owner.

Man:"Sorry but i just have to a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy was stranded on a desert island with Heidi Klum...

Initially, he played it cool, not making any moves on her for several weeks.

Finally, he asked her if they could start a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other's needs.

Heidi was game and a very nice sexual relationship began. 

After several months, the guy approac...

The mule

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of their home. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly

to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship.



To no avail, she kept nagg...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Red Neck Family

The daughter went to the father & asked, “Hey pa can I borrow the car? I want to go to the movies with my friends badly.”

The father replies, “Sure you can borrow the car.. under one condition, you gotta suck my d*ck.”

She says, “Ah not this again dad I just want to go to the movi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The daughter walks up to her dad and asks to borrow his car. (NSFW)

Girl: “Hey dad. Can I borrow your car?”
Dad: “You can borrow it if you dropped to your knees and suck my dick.”
Girl: “Ew! You’re my father, I’m not gonna suck your dick!”

Few minutes go by and she considers her dad’s request as she really needs to borrow the car.

Girl: “Fine da...

A man goes the doctor complaining of a very sore leg.

He gets in early at 11.55am, and tells the doctor his leg is sore.

He then explains that he’s also experiencing some other weird things with the leg.

The man explains to the doctor that every hour on the hour, his thigh asks for money.

The Doctor is a bit perplexed, but waits un...

A man walks into an Irish bar...

A man walks into an Irish bar and orders a tall glass of Guinness. The leprechaun next to him turns and says, “Can I borrow a dollar?? I’m a little short.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill and Steve are a gray couple on an airplane.

Bill turns to Steve, "you know what would be wild? We should have sex on the plane, like right here in our seats."

Steve surprised "whoah man, there are people everywhere, they would watch, it'd be weird."

"Nobody pays attention on a plane." Says Bill. With that he gets up and shoots t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Funeral procession

A man is jogging in the park one day and witnesses the strangest funeral procession he had ever seen. There was another man walking immediately behind a hearse and in front of it was a second hearse. Behind the man was a line of about 50 men walking single file. Curious, the jogger walked up to the ...

A man asked God

A man asked God

"God, what's a million years to you?"

God said a second.

So the man asked God "God, what's a million dollars to you?"

God said a penny.

So the man asked God "God, can I borrow a penny?"

And God said yes.

In a second.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Timmy was taking a math test in class...

The first question was 3+2.

Timmy used his fingers and counted 5. Easy enough.

For the next question, it was 5+6.

Timmy realized he did not have enough fingers so he asked his classmate,

“Hey, can I borrow your fingers to do this question?”

The teacher immediatel...

US follows Britain

BRITAIN: "Hey, America, watch this!"

*BRITAIN SETS ITSELF ON FIRE*

USA: "Cool. Can I borrow your lighter?"

Old but gold

One day, John visited Rick to borrow some movie to watch.

John: "can i borrow some of your movies?"

Rick: "Sure thing, just follow me"

John followed rick to a room full of movies from a to z

Rick: "so what are you looking for?"

John: "oh just some family friend...

Four across...

Two men are sat completing a crossword puzzle on a train, sat across from them is a Priest. The first man starts to scratch his head, and he asks the man across from him:

"A word, four across, ending with unt..."

The other man asks him:

"Well, what's the clue?"

He replie...

A Jewish boy walks up to his dad...

A Jewish boy walks up to his dad and says "hey dad! Can I borrow fifty dollars?

His dad says "forty dollars?! What do you need thirty dollars for?!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dirty joke

A teenage girl asks her father "Dad, can I borrow the car and go to the mall with my friends?" "If you'll give me a blowjob" he replies. So she begins to perform fellatio when suddenly, she screams "UGH! That tastes like shit!!" "Oh, I forgot" said the father. "Your brother borrowed the car this mor...

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Nice dog...

A man was walking down the street when he observed a funeral passing by. The strange procession consisted of two hearses, followed by a man walking a dog. Behind him were about 20 men of all descriptions, marching along in step. The guy watching all of this was so puzzled by the odd parade that h...

So, a guy's fishing on a boat..

..after fishing all day he runs out of gas. After sitting on the water stranded for hours, another boat pulls alongside and offers help. Desperate for help, the stranded fisherman asks "Hey can I borrow them two oars?!?" The man quickly responds "Them ain't oars, that's my mother and my sister"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

West Virginia (NSFW)

So, one day a young women around 15 approached her pa. She said,
"Pa, can I borrow your truck to go pick up my date?"
Well, her Pa, living in West Virginia, felt no abnormality when he said,
"You know what to do." and dropped his pants. So, the daughter got on her knees and started giving ...

A Jewish kid goes up to his dad...

Son: "Hey papa?"

Father: "Yes, ma' boy?"

Son: "I met this beautiful girl at temple today. I want to take her out. Can I borrow fifty bucks?

Father: "Forty bucks? What the heck are you gonna do with thirty bucks? Do I look like I have twenty bucks heres fifteen now take ten and ...

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