UPJOKE

Buy Some Jokes

A computer programmer goes to buy some bread.

On his way out, his wife says, "and while you're there, get a carton of eggs".

He never returned.

I went to the store to buy some condoms

Cashier asked me if I needed a bag, I said " nah, ill just turn off the lights"

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A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.

So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartmen...

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A man went to the store to buy some raisins...

When he got there, he asked a cashier, "What aisle are the..."

"...raisins in?" she asked.

"How... how did you know?"

"I am a psychic. I can read minds."

"Really? Well then, what am I..."

"Thinking now? You're thinking about what I might look like naked."

"Y...

A Russian boy asks his dad for 1000 rubles to buy some candy from the store

His dad replies “1000 rubles? 1600 rubles is way too much to spend on candy. How much candy can 2300 rubles even buy?”

Chuck Norris parks his car in a no parking zone to buy some groceries. When he returns to his car, he sees a cop standing there. „Is that your car?“, he asks.

„Yes, what‘s the problem?“, asks Chuck.

The cop points at the big no-parking sign and says: „Sorry Sir, it looks like we put that sign in the wrong place.“

Sometimes when I feel lonely I buy some stocks

Its nice to have a bit of company

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw...

I told my wife about a company offering personalized concrete busts, and asked her if she wanted to buy some.

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves" she said

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A young woman visits a florist to buy some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterday...

George goes inside a market to buy some food...

He got to the vegetable section and said to the lady who was selling the veg:

George: Hello miss!

Lady: Hello sir, how can I help you?

George: Can i please have 5 kilograms of potatoes but can you wrap them individually in a piece of paper?

Lady: Sure! So, she wrapped eac...

Angelina Jolie walks into a florists.'I'd like to buy some flowers', she says. 'Orchids?' says the florist.

'No, just flowers today'.

A programmer's wife tells him as he leaves the house: "While you're out, buy some milk."

He never returns home and the universe runs out of milk.

A young man went to a pharmacy to buy some condoms.

The pharmacist went up to him and told him that they sell condoms in packs of 4, 8, and 16.

The Man said: "I'm going out with my girlfriend to meet her parents, and then I'm taking her to my house. I really think I'm going to get lucky, so you'd better give me the 16 pack."

Later that ...

I managed to buy some GameStop stocks at only $8/share!

It is called "GameStop Total Landscaping," right?

A Farmer and his Son went to the local Cattle Market to buy some Pigs.

The Farmer goes up to the first Pig he comes across and put its curly tail in his mouth.

After tasting for a while the Farmer says:"This Pig is 4 years of Age ill buy this one.

The Owner overhears this and asked the Farmer:"Did i heard you right?? You guessed its Age by tasting its cur...

I went to buy some camo pants

but couldn’t find any.

I went to buy some condoms today, and I said to the pharmacist, 'Excuse me, I need some condoms.'

He said, 'Just a minute.'

And I said, 'Yep, that's my brand.'

A zookeeper wishes to buy some new animals from another wildlife park.

She writes:

Dear sir, We are a recently opened zoo and are looking to purchase 2 mooses. "No that doesn't sound right." She thinks.

We are looking to purchase 2 meese. "No that can't be right either."

Dear sir, I wish to inquire about purchasing a moose. Kind Regards.

P.S...

An Irishman goes to buy some wellies

The assistant hands him a pair and he tries one on.
Noticing that he's having difficulty, she gently says:
"Sir, if you look under the soles, you'll see L and R, for Left and Right"
The ponders this for a moment and then blurts out:
"To be sure, beghora, that'll be why me wife's knickers...

A Spanish speaking man walks into a clothing store looking to buy some socks

He found his way to the menswear department where a sales clerk offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the sales clerk.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Wel...

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A man goes to the store to buy some beef Jerky...

The clerk at the counter asks "is that everything sir?"

The man licks his lips and says "yep. Just the jerky"

The clerk responds "OK, but please don't lick my lips ever again."

My girlfriend and I were shopping today. We saw that Trojan had designed Olympic sponsored Condoms? I told here we had to buy some...

What's so special about them?

They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze.

And what color are you going to wear tonight?

Gold, obviously!

Why not Silver? It'd be great if you could come second for a change.

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A man wants to buy some meat at his local Deli

A man walks in to Simpsons Deli and asks the butcher, "Do you have any deals going on right now?"

The butcher replies, "Sure we do! You can get 20 Chicken Breasts for $40, a full cow for $500, or half the meat for $499!"

The man scratches head in confusion and gets angry at the butcher...

I needed to buy some dog food the other day.

I couldn't find any that didn't use animal testing though so I left it.

I went to the Pet store to buy some exotic breeding birds

The Assistant said "have you got a Store card?"

I said no but I think I've just excited a Pelican

A programmer's wife tells him to go buy some milk, and, while he's there, to get eggs.

He hasn't come back.

I went to the bee keepers to buy some bees. All the bees had price tags on them except one.

It was a freebie

My girlfriend said she wanted to buy some books before we had even put our new bookcase together.

I said “let’s not get ahead of our shelves”.

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A deaf-mute guy goes into a pharmacy to buy some condoms

After looking around the shop for a while and being unable to spot what he wants, he goes up to the counter and signs to the pharmacist, who only looks at him in mild bewilderment. The deaf-mute pats his pockets for a pencil and paper only to realize that he's come out without any, and he resorts to...

I would like to buy some weed

Me: I would like to buy some weed

Seller: *whispers* An ounce?

Me: sure.... LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I WOULD LIKE TO BUY SOME WEED

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A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks “Do you sell condoms for extremely large penises?”

“Yes we do,” said the pharmacist. “Do you need to buy some?”

“No,” she replied, “but if you don’t mind I’m just going to wait here.”

A man walks into a pharmacy to buy some condoms

The pharmacist takes note and says “Big night tonight eh?”

The man responds “Yeah, meeting the new girls’ parents for dinner tonight and I’m trying to get lucky.”

He heads to his girlfriend’s house later that night and sits down before eating to pray.

And pray


And pr...

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Does anyone wanna buy some used tampons?

No strings attached

A guy goes into a grocery store to buy some cat food.

The woman at the counter say, “You have a cat?”

He says, “Yeah”

She says, “Where’s the cat?”

He says, “I left him at home.”

She says, “You can’t buy the cat food. Put it back.”

Next day, he walks up to the counter and wants to buy some dog food.

“You have a...

A guy looking to become a bee farmer went to a seasoned Apiarist and asked if he could buy some bees off him to start up a hive. The Apiarist said he had plenty to spare and was having a sale for 50 bees for $50...

The man bought the bees, went home and began putting the bees into the empty hive; he counted each one to make sure he got his moneys worth but by the end of the gruelling task he realized he had not 50 but 51 bees. He called the seasoned Apiarist and asked why he was given 51 bees when the sale was...

I went into a pet store to buy some goldfish.

The owner said "do you want an aquarium?"
I said " I don't care what star sign they are!"

I’d like to buy some dog food

MAN: I’d like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He’s at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I’m sorry; I can’t sell this dog food to you unless Isee the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I’d like to buy some ...

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So this lady is at a small grocer to buy some potatoes.

She does not see any, so asks the manager: "Sir, i am looking for one bag of potatoes". He replies that they have none in stock.

Lady: "I understand, but even half a bag will be fine for my needs"

Manager: "Lady, we don't have ANY potatoes in stock."

Lady: "Ok. But even if it is...

A woman is preparing a French dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.

The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his hou...

A man buys some cologne before a job interview...

A man quickly headed to Walmart before a job interview looking to buy some cologne. Not knowing which one to buy, he asked the employee which fragrances were purchased the most by other customers. The employee directed him to five standard fragrances, all of which the man then bought. However, not k...

A man goes to the gas station to buy some condoms

“That’ll be $3.99” says the clerk, “Would you like a bag?”
I replied, “No, she’s actually quite pretty.”

I went to my local grocery store to buy some GameStop stock.

But they only sell beef, chicken, and vegetable.

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For his 50th wedding anniversary, a man decided to buy some lingerie for his wife.

He went to one of the finer stores in town and asked to see some of their nightgowns. When the salesperson brought out the first item he asked how much it was and was told $100. “I’d like something a little more sheer” said the gentleman. The salesperson brought out a second item, whereupon the gent...

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A woman walked into a supermarket to buy some broccoli..

She went up to a man in the vegetable department and said, 'Sir, do you have any broccoli?' 


The man replied, 'No, ma'am, none today. Come back tomorrow.' 


A few hours later, the woman was back again, asking the man, 'Sir, do you have any broccoli?'
'Look, lady, I already to...

A man smokes some weed and goes to buy some protein powder

He gets to the store but realizes that protein powder is super expensive. He decides to steal it, as it was a high whey robbery

So I went to buy some spaghetti at the store

It was so crowded to I grabbed one packet and ran out.
I pasta-out in the process...

I went to the prosthetic limb store to buy some new hands

"Two of each hand please." I say to the man at the counter.
"We're all out of left hands sir." He responds.
"All right then."

I went to the hunting store to buy some camouflage clothing...

But I didn't see anything that I liked.

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I'd like to buy some ice cream please...

Ice Cream Man: Sure, what kind would you like?



Kid: Um...chocolate



Ice Cream Man: Oh, sorry kid. We're out of chocolate. I still have plenty of strawberry and vanilla though.



Kid: Um...okay...I'll have...chocolate please



Ice Cream Man: Uh, ...

I went to the store to buy some socks..

I had gotten a pair a really liked a few weeks back. I looked all over and could not find them.

I did not know the sock market could change so much.

I went to pike's market to buy some fresh fish.

Me: can I get a plastic bag for the fish please?

Cashier: it's already inside.

I went to the grocery store today to buy some oranges and couldn’t find any that i wanted

none of them looked appealing


pls be nice, i thought of this in the shower :)

“I’d like to buy some gloves for my wife,” ...

... the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, “but I don’t know her size.” “Will this help?” she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his. “Oh, yes,” he answered. “Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours.” “Will there be anything else?” the salesgirl asked as she wrapped the gloves. ...

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An man goes to buy some Viagra.

He explains to the doctor that a couple of young girls are staying at his place for the weekend. The doctor sells him the pills, and sends him on his way. On Monday, the man comes back and asks for some painkillers. The doctor says, "What did you do to cause so much pain to your penis?" The man says...

a drugaddict was going to buy some drugs from a drug dealer

when they finally met, the drug dealer asked: so... what do want?

client: I want some uh... Coke.

drug dealer: is pepsi ok?

A 1960s Soviet Couple is Looking to Buy Some Meat

An old married couple in Moscow wanted to celebrate their anniversary, and the wife sends her husband to the store to find meat. They are skeptical the store will have fresh meat, but it could be their last anniversary.

The old man waits in line for an hour. When he finally gets to the count...

I wanted to buy some bread from a south-Asian bakery

But i didnt get any because they said they had Naan...



I will leave now

I wanted to buy some literature on DIY shelving

Sounds easy, but try going into a book store and asking if they have "any books on shelves"

I'm gonna buy some velcro for my shoes instead of laces

Why knot?

Try to buy some clothes from a spiritualist shop today.

Turns out they could only offer mediums.

I went to buy some classical music today...

But I forgot my Chopin Liszt.

[religion] Pat Robertson is on his way to buy some Depends.

As he's walking down the street, he sees a small boy sitting on the curb with a box of newborn kittens. He looks in the box of squirming, mewing kittens, and tells the boy "Those are about the cutest kittens I've ever seen!"

The boy smiles and says "Thanks! They're Christian kittens."

...

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A woman goes to buy some ice cream

A woman walks into an ice cream parlor looking to buy a few gallons of ice cream for her child's upcoming birthday party. She walks up to the man behind the counter and begins giving her order, "I want 2 gallons of chocolate, 1 gallon of vanilla, and 1 gallon of strawberry". The gentleman behind ...

I'm going to go buy some condoms for New Years

That way when I end the year in a bang, it doesn't have to be in my socks

My girlfriend and i were contemplating going to the store to buy some cookies

My girlfriend and i were contemplating going to the store to buy some cookies to have with our coffee and get infected with corona, or to just have coffee by itself.



In the end we decided to go to the store, because you know... you have to risk it for the biscuit.

A couple of counterfeiters made a mistake one time and ended up with a batch of $15 bills

One of them says "We gotta get rid of these things. We'll go to Florida. I know a little town there. They're so dumb they won't know a thing."

So off they go. Soon they arrive at a gas station and buy some gas. The guy at the counter looks a little simpleminded.

"Hey can you break a 1...

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While on holiday, the Seven Dwarfs visit the local convent to buy some souvenirs...

They meet up with the Mother Superior and Dopey stops to talk to her.

“Excuse me, your holy one, do you have any short nuns here?” Mother Superior is quite puzzled by the question but replies,

“Not very short, some around 5 foot.”

“Are you sure there aren’t any nuns about 3 fo...

A man goes to the store to buy some condoms

So he goes up to the register and quietly puts a pack of them on the counter.
The cashier looks at them and says "You know, we have a special on ribbed condoms if you're interested."
The guy says "They work the same?"
"I hear they work better"
"Well alright, what the hell" and he buys ...

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An old man tells his wife he is going to the pharmacy to buy some viagra

An old man tells his wife he is going to the pharmacy to buy some viagra , telling her “I want some action tonight”

His wife tells him she wants to go to the pharmacy with him, saying “Well if you’re going to the pharmacy, I might as well go with you and get a tetanus shot”

The old ma...

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So a priest goes to the market to buy some dinner...

He walks up to a fishmonger and asks to buy some trout. The guy says, "Yeah, sure, I'll give you some of this dam trout."

The priest, a little offended, says, "There's no need for that kind of language." The fishmonger says, "Oh, I don't mean the swear. This trout was caught at a dam, so it'...

A man is sent by his wife to buy some snails for their fancy French dinner party

While at the grocery, he meets a beautiful woman and they start chatting. One thing leads to another and he ends up at her house.

The following morning he wakes with a start and rushes home. In his haste he drops the bucket of snails against his front door.

Hearing the commotion, his ...

I went to buy some goceries and was able to get three big packs of toilet paper.

When I was already in the cashier line, I noticed I had forgotten something. Not wanting to give up my place, I left my cart in the queue. To deter anyone from taking my precious toilet paper, I took a post-it out of my pocket, put it on the cart and wrote on it: "I coughed on this!" Then I went to ...

A man and his wife are travelling through the United States, when they notice a sign telling them that the town they are entering is called Kissimee.

They quickly start arguing about the correct way to pronounce it. "KISS-a-me," says the husband. "That's wrong," says the wife, "The right way to say it is kis-A-me." "Not necessarily," says the husband, "It could also be kis-a-ME."

Their argument continues as they enter town, and decide t...

An 80 year old man went to buy some clothes. He tried some modern tight dresses and when asked for a feedback, he told "These are like cheaply made castles."

No ball room

little Johnny's father gives him $50 to buy some fireworks for new year

When he returns, they try a couple but none of them worked

"Johnny, where did you get these fireworks? None of them work"

"Strange, when I was on my way back, I tried them all and they worked just fine"

A woman goes to the butcher shop to buy some sausages

When she gets them, she notices that they're half pork and half cornmeal. Bringing this up to the butcher, she says, "it's cornmeal on the left and pork on the right!" He tells her "It's to cut costs, ma'am. In this economy, it's so hard to make all ends meat."

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A man enters a pharmacy and orders a box of Viagra

The pharmacist asks for about 10€ and gives him the meds. He opens the box, takes one, and pulls out a 500€ note to pay. The pharmacist doesn't have enough change to give him, so he offers to go to the bakery next door to get some bread and try to get the money changed and swiftly comeback.

I...

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't ...

A duck goes into the shop to buy some lipstick. “How do you want to pay?” asks the shop assistant..

...”just put it on my bill” replies the duck.

I was offered the chance to buy some real estate in Egypt's Valley of the Kings

but it turned out to be just a pyramid selling scheme

A cow walked to the store to buy some milk...

but cows don't have hands so they can't use grocery stores or grab milk in a container. It was an udder failure.

I was trying to buy some storm insurance for my camp site, but was refused.

They said, “If your tent gets blown away, you won’t be covered.”

I went to the shops to buy some apples, oranges and bananas... I came back empty handed.

It was a fruitless endeavour.

After so many years in our marriage, my Wife wanted me to buy some pills to spice things up in the bedroom

*Apparently I was the bad guy buying diet pills.*

I wanted to drive to the shop to buy some guacamole

I didn't avocado

A boy goes to the drug store to buy some condoms

A boy goes to the drug store to buy some condoms.

'Do you want a bag?', the cashier asks him

'No', the boy says, 'she isn't *that* ugly'

I went to the Optometrists to buy some glasses the other day, you'll never guess who I ran into...

Everyone.

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One day a girl decided to buy some crotchless panties to surprise her boyfriend.

She went and bought them, got home, put them on and waited. When the boyfriend got home there she was spread eagle on the bed with only her panties and bra on. “Come over here baby.” she says smiling. The boyfriend backs off, “If your pussy can do that to your panties – I ain’t going any where near ...

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A nun decides before she dies she wants to have sex

So she asks a woman for advice, the woman tells her she wants to find a man that has a big dick. The nun says how will I know if a man has a big dick just by looking at him? The woman tells the nun you can tell by the shoe size. The nun searches the city to find the man with the biggest shoes in tow...

A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy

As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;

"I would like to buy some cyanide,"

The pharmacist asked her:

"why in the world do you need cyanide?"

She said:

"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmaci...

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A fresh off the boat Indian immigrant goes to Wallmart to buy some toilet paper

Arriving to the store, he walks to an employee and tells him "Hello sir, I have recently arrived in America with just the shirt on my back and not so much money. I need to buy toilet paper but I can't afford luxuries".

The employee replies "Well listen here friend, I have this ExtraSoft for $...

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks for bottom deodorant.

The assistant, a little bemused, explains to the woman they have never sold bottom deodorant. The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter, that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis, and would like some more.

The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing fu...

Girl: What are your plans for today?

Boy: Me and a friend of mine are going to buy some glasses.

Girl: And after that?

Boy: And after that we'll see.

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Two elderly ladies are smoking outside...

It stared raining and one of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts the end off and puts it over her cigarette so it won't get wet. The other lady thinks this is a great idea so she decides to head to the store to buy some condoms.
When she gets there she goes to the counter and asks the cashier fo...

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