UPJOKE

Bottle Of Water Jokes

Why do British people pronounce a bottle of water so differently?

Because they drank all the T-s.

A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states

Solid, liquid and gas

How many people can you kill with a single bottle of water?

According to airport security, quite a lot.

What did the motivational speaker ask the bottle of water?

Do you have what it takes to be a liter?

What do you get when you poke at a bottle of water?

Tap water


I'm so sorry for how stupid this is, but I felt like I had to share this with someone after I thought of it.

How to get 11 million followers? Walk with a bottle of water....

In Africa.

What happens when a bottle of water walks into a bar on a hot day?

It gets drunk.

My friend held a bottle of water above his head, started counting and breathing heavily

I asked him what he was doing and he said "practising breathing underwater"

I was going to buy my friend a bottle of water for Christmas.

And then I realized, that would be tasteless.

There wasn't a price on the bottle of water, so I took it up to the cash register.

"Could you tell me how much this is?" I asked. She said, "That's 500 millilitres, sir."

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An Alcoholics Anonymous meeting takes place. The presenter completes a demonstration.

He brings out two glasses, a bottle of whiskey, a bottle of water and an earthworm. He pours one glass with water and the other with whiskey. He then drops the worm into the bottle of water, where it wriggles around for a little while, but is ok.

He then picks it up and drops it into the whi...

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It was my birthday the other day

My brother gave me a bottle of water with some dirt in the bottom. it was a pretty shit gift but I told him I appreciate the sediment.

Late Lent/Easter Joke

Eino, a Finn from Cook County in northern Minnesota, was an older, single gentleman who was born and raised a Lutheran. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, all of Eino’s neighbors were Catholic…..and since it was Lent, they were forb...

A Rabbi, a priest, and a preacher are out in a boat one day.

The rabbi tells the two he’s hungry, so he steps out of the boat and walks across the water to land, where he claims his snack.


Shortly later the priest decides he’s thirsty, so like the rabbi, steps out the boat and walks across the water to land, getting a bottle of water.


Th...

Abram is coming home in grief and despair

His wife is asking what happened
\- *Oy vey iz mir!* \- he tells her - So much spending! So much money I am going to lose! Today our rabbi gave a speech: "For many years we are living among Russians but they still don't like us. And we don't even know why. I gave it many a thought and decided...

A cop pulls over a car swerving all over the road

After the cop tells the driver why he stopped him and asks for his license and registration, he notices an open, half-empty bottle sitting on the floor.

Cop: “Sir, what is that bottle between your feet?”

Driver (burping): “Uh, it’s a bottle of water officer.”

Cop: “I can see...

A priest is on a plane

A stewardess aproaches him and asks:

Stewardess: "Hello father, would you like anything to drink? We have whiskey, cognac and beer."

Priest: "That sounds nice. Actually, what is our altitude at the moment?"

Stewardess: "Our current altitude is about 35,000 feet"

Priest: "...

My friend really wanted a swimming pool

He’s asking us for donations to help achieve his dream.

So I gave him a bottle of water.

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A man was walking in the desert...

A man was walking in the desert, however he is now lost. He has survived for two weeks already, but he is craving for sex. In week three he sees a camel. Because the man is so desperate for sex, he turns a bucket he collected upside-down and starts thrusting towards the camel.

The camel howev...

Bird Joke

A bottle of water can't quench the thirst of a bird but Tou-can

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At a meeting in a synagogue, a young Jew asked the wise old Rabbi:

“Rabbi, why do people hate Jews so much?” The Rabbi thinks for a while and says “That is an interesting question. We will all talk about it tomorrow over some vodka! Each one of you shall bring a bottle of fine vodka, so we can mix it all up in a big vessel and drink, discuss, and then the answer wi...

WWII, Eastern Front

Troops under the command of Baghramyan are the first to reach the Baltic. To present his success more pretentiously, the Armenian general personally poured a bottle of water from the Baltic Sea and ordered his adjutant to fly with this bottle to Moscow to Stalin. He flew. But a setback happened: whi...

I gave a wine bottle to a really hot girl yesterday

I should have probably given her a bottle of water because the wine didn't help with the fire.

A weasel walks into a bar...

...and asks for a bottle of water.

The clerk at the counter says, "We don't have water. Would you like anything else?"

The weasel looks around, and spots the nearest case of drinks.

"I'll have a pop," goes the weasel.

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A long joke, thick with details

A man with a tiny dick hiked up a mountain to ask a shaman to help with his affliction. He reached the peak and approached the shaman.

"I want a nine inch dick. What do I have to do?"

"It's simple," said the shaman. "Look down at the jungle. Do you see that tree with the white bark?"<...

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2 turtles walk in a desert

They both have walked for 1 year now and are very thirsty. One day they find a glass bottle of water laying around. Since they dont have thumbs they cant open it. So the first turtle says to the 2nd :" Go and search for a bottle opener so we can drink". And so the 2nd turtle wanders off. The first o...

You are now fish!

Catholics don't eat meat during the 40 days of lent. Now it so happened a Muslim carpenter moved into a catholic area. Now this guy loved his barbeque and he'd be out in his garden almost daily to enjoy his afternoon feast. Now lent started and the smoky smell wafting from his garden had many people...

"A man gets pulled over by a cop..."

As soon as the cop walks up to the window he sees a bottle with wine, and the driver says: "Sir, this is just a bottle of water I bought at the gas station a few miles back."
Cop: "Well I'm quite sure that is red wine you have in there"
Driver: "Praise the Lord its a miracle!"

And old man..

..watched his grandson go to the store with a dollar and come back with only a bottle of water and shook his head. He said, "Back in my day, my mother would send me to the store with a dollar and I'd come back with half a dozen eggs, two cartons of milk, a pack of cigs, and a bag of flour. You can't...

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A woman at the grocery store goes to the register to check out her stuff..

She gets there and the cashier proceeds to scan her items.. One apple, one bottle of water, one yogurt, one banana etc.. One of everything....
So the cashier tells her:
- Ha! You must be single!
- Huh?, What makes you say that?
- Well you're fucking ugly

The longest joke in the world

From: http://longestjokeintheworld.com/

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again....

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A man is driving down the road.

When suddenly he sees a red man crying.He asks him "What's wrong with you?" The red man answers:"I'm a homosexual exiled from Mars and i am hungry" The man gives him a sandwitch,hops back in his car and goes further.He then saw a green man crying.He asks him again what's wrong and the green man answ...

A good will gesture . . .

A friendly chap from a local charity asked for a donation towards restoring the community swimming pool today. . . I gave him a bottle of water.

A minister, a priest and a rabbi are lounging on a boat...

When the minister drinks all of his water. "I'm out of water, and we left the cooler on the shore," he says, "I'll just go get some more." The rabbi tells him that he'll bring the boat back to shore but the minister tells him it's no problem. He kneels down, puts his hands together, prays for a shor...

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