UPJOKE

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have a terrible problem with gas, but it doesn’t bother me much.”

My farts are always silent and never smell. I probably farted 15 times since I’ve been here, and you didn’t realize it.

The doctor says, “Interesting. Why don’t you take these pills and come see me in a week?”

The old lady returns in a week and says, “I don’t know what the hell you gav...

Go away bee, don't bother me.

A wise man once told me, if a bee is bothering you, don't swat or run away, just stand still and look right at it, because seeing is believing.

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My wife has an eccentric but harmless new habit. She started taking a fish to bed with her. It didn’t really bother me until last night.

When I suggested we have sex, she replied: “Not tonight, dear, I have a haddock.”

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Being a sexist doesn't bother me at all.

The only people that will call me a sexist are women and their opinion doesn't matter.

People with masks that don't cover their nose don't really bother me...

they're all mouth-breathers anyway.

It doesn't bother me to be the dumbest person in the room

it's nice and quiet that way.

My wife thinks I should talk about things that bother me and how I am feeling instead of trying to change the subject

But I just don’t think we are gonna get as much snow as they say this winter.

There are 2 types of lists that bother me

1) Self-referential lists

B. Inconsistently formatted lists

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I was at the bar one night and having a drink with lady that was in a wheelchair due to a car wreck that left her without her legs. Which didn’t bother me at all, she was stunning. She was a tiny little thing and very beautiful, we hit it off pretty quick. So we decided to go back to her place.

We got to her place and I got the wheel chair for her and lifted her little body out of the car and rolled her inside the house. Once inside we had a few more drinks and things started to heat up between the two of us. I took off her little shirt and her little bottoms she was wearing and she tells ...

I hate it when people bother me...

I'm tired of people ringing my doorbell at all hours of the day and night, asking for donations. This morning it was some woman from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful!

I'm weak at maths but that doesn't bother me

Because my friend told me it's statistically proven 4 out of 3 people struggle with maths.

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It doesn't bother me when people tell me my dick is a joke.

But I love it when they can take a joke.

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Homosexual couples don't bother me.

Their biological children do.

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A girl and guy are laying in bed after sex

She turns to him and says,

"Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Christian."

He said:
"That doesn't bother me any!"

She responded:
"That's a relief, I much prefer being a Christine."

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I asked my wife why she never tells me when she orgasms. [NSFW]

She told me she doesn’t want to bother me while I’m at work.

Frank Sinatra was dining out one night when a young high school lad came up to his table.

“Mr. Sinatra," said the teen-age boy, “my name is Bernie Rosenberg. Would you please do me a favor?”
“What kind of favor?” Sinatra asked.
Well, I’m here with my girl and I want to make a good impression on her. I certainly would appreciate it if you would drop by my table and say ‘Hi, Be...

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I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm

She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work

My brother was bragging about being a baker...

But it didn't bother me at all.

I don't have anything to prove.

Second Hand Goods

A divorced man bumps into his ex-wife's new husband at a party.

After knocking back a few drinks, he walks over to the guy and sneers: "So, how do you like using second-hand goods?"

"Doesn't bother me," the new husband replies. "Once you get past the first three inches, it's all brand ...

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Pissed Off

A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink an...

Mad Cow Disease

One cow asked another, "Have you heard of this mad cow disease? The news sounds so scary".

The other cow replied, "Doesn't bother me, man. I'm a helicopter".

My girlfriend told me "I used to be Christian"

"That's fine" I replied "I don't see why that would bother me"

"Good" She said "because I'm so much happier as Christina"

10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, 100, 110, 120...

Don't bother me. My work here is intense.

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Hubby Went Fishing

Hubby told wifey,"going fishing early tomorrow morning." and she said,"Calling for rain." and he said,"No biggie,water won't bother me. I'm going,rain or shine." So,4:00 a.m. he hooks up his boat and just as he leaves the driveway,big storm hit. Rain,hail,high winds,so he backed his boattrailer back...

Lately my wife looks at me like I’m just a piece of meat.

And it wouldn’t bother me if she wasn’t a vegan.

Free drinks

A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.

"Okay," says the bartender, "If you say you paid, you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he see...

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