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Every time my girlfriend climaxes during sex she blurts out the ending of a movie or a show and ends up spoiling it for me.

I really wish I could get her to stop cumming to conclusions.

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Three guys are walking through the woods...

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find an old lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie (of course). It booms "You have freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars....

A Priest, a Rabbi and a Minister are on a train.

They chat for a bit when the priest suggests they all share their gravest confessions. He offers to go first.
"Sometimes, after communion service, I'll drink more of the wine than I should and flirt with the nuns."

The Minister replies, "mine's far worse. Sometimes, after taking collec...

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all friends

Naturally, their mothers are blonde, brunette, and redheaded as well, and the ladies are chatting while their teenage daughters are hanging out in the other room.

The brunette says with a devilish grin, "Hey, let's look through the girls' purses and see what they're hiding from us." She...

What do you call someone who blurts out the punchline before he finishes the

A Premature Ejokeulator!

Halloween Joke

Bob thought his new neighbor across the street was strange from the moment he first moved in.  The new neighbor, Jack, was a dorky middle aged white man, who laughed at his own jokes, which he told repeatedly, and only talked about the stupidest stuff, which he always claimed was super popular on Re...

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Fruit Stand

A guy was driving down a long stretch of country highway, when he approached a fruit stand. The sign above read, "We have peaches that taste like anything and everything, guaranteed!" The man thought about it, and decided to stop. He thought this has to be bullshit. So he approaches the old, feeble ...

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Two frat guys are stranded in the middle of the ocean

Brad and Chad have been stuck in a lifeboat for weeks. They're out of water and supplies, and they're sure they're doomed.

They notice a sealed bottle bobbing toward their boat and scoop it out of the water. They open it up, and a genie pops out.

"Thank you for freeing me!" the genie s...

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Tiger Woods goes to Japan

Tiger Woods goes to Japan for a golf tournament. The night before, he hires a prostitute. As they are having sex, the prostitute is shouting, "!Machigatta ana" Tiger doesn't know any Japanese, but he figures she is saying she is satisfied.

The next day at the tournament, on the 18th hole, Tig...

Ocean full of beer

Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much though...

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

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A wealthy village man, Narendra Singh, is elected the leader of a group of villages in North India

He decides to give a victory speech to each of these villages. To do this, however, he realized he would need a secretary to introduce him and brag about how great he is, because it would look stupid if he did it himself. So he hires Mohan Nath, a highly respected member of his own village.

M...

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The Bear, the Rabbit, & The Magical Golden Frog

A bear & a rabbit were walking through the forest when they happened upon a magical golden frog, sitting alone by a pond. The magical golden frog was such a rare find, that anyone who found him would be granted three wishes.

“Well, since you both managed to find me at the same time, I’ll...

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

A man falls asleep in church

Every Sunday a man and his wife attend church. The man has a bad habit of falling asleep during services, so one Sunday his wife brings a hat pin and pokes him everytime he drifts off. The priest is giving his sermon and asks who gave birth to Jesus? The man is asleep wife jabs him and he blurts o...

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A Labrador, a Golden Retriever & a Chihuahua...

are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. They’re speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and ...

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A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I’m exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and ...

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An old man and a middle aged man were sitting at a bar.

They had had a few drinks, then the old man turned to the younger guy and said "I f*cked your mom last night." The middle aged man just let it go, and ignored the old man.

A few minutes later the old man turns to the other guy again, and says "I rammed my cock down your moms throat last ni...

A young man walks into a convience store

He walks to a man in his mid-fifties behind the cash register, placing a crinkled twenty dollar bill on the counter.

The young man asks for change with single bills. The old man chuckles and asks "going to the strip club sonny?"

The young man nods, reaching into his pocket for his wall...

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The pickup line of Cecil the cavalier

Cecil is a young British aristocrat who loves horse-riding but is terribly shy.

On his daily trot around Hyde Park, he frequently sees a beautiful girl riding a jet-black Morgan horse but can’t pluck up the courage to approach her.

One evening he’s having a beer with his friend Charles...

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course...

I haven't seen this one here before

Late one Friday night, John visits the brothel. As he walks in, he is greeted by all the usual faces.

"Hey John, back again?"

"Johnny boy. Must be payday."

So on and so forth.

Then the Madame of the house spots him and hurries over.

"Mr. John. How lovely to...

Donald Trump is walking along a beach

He stumbles over an old bottle, he picks it up and pulls the cork.
With a flash of light and a puff of smoke a Genie appears before him.

"Thank you Donald for releasing me from my prison, I shall grant you any 1 wish"

Trump immediately blurts out "I want a Dragon like from game of t...

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A Woman Buys a Parrot

A woman goes to the pet store, looking to buy a family pet. At first she’s looking at all the cats and dogs but notices a beautiful green parrot with a price tag of only $5.

“Excuse me,” she asks an employee, “why is this parrot so cheap? It’s beautiful!”

The employee replies telling ...

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Why People Hate School Re-Unions

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school.

 They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in grey ...

Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown. She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

"Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?"

The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out "352!"

He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.

"I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!"

"Hey lady," says the ...

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An Antarctic explorer has a sore ass from sitting on the ice all day.

Since there’s currently no doctor on base, he phones his doctor 5,000km away in Melbourne. The doctor says “it’s probably just piles, but since I can’t examine you, you’d better send a photo just in case it’s something more serious.”

Worried, the explorer blurts out “how the hell do I take a ...

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A third grade teacher assigns her students homework

They are to ask their parents for a story with a moral and share it the next day.
The next day the teacher calls on little Peggy-Sue. Peggy-Sue stands and says “My daddy told me about the chickens that we raise for slaughter. One day we bought 12 eggs and only 9 of them hatched. The moral of the...

Wine

A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.


The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking.”

Wife: “This is me, I’m talking to the wine”.

There once was a blonde woman who was tired of everyone making fun of her for being a “dumb blonde”.

There once was a blonde woman who was tired of everyone making fun of her for being a “dumb blonde”.

Having enough with the stereotype, she went to the hairdresser and had her hair dyed brunette.

On her way home, she was driving past a field full of sheep.

She got excited and s...

Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman are on a train compartment, drinking and being loud together. At the next stop an elderly priest and a beautiful woman get on and sit across from the three.

As the train gets under way, the priest looks at the three with distain and says, "Have ya any decency between ya? You three look like a right pair of fools, but I'll give 50 quid to any of you that can name the three main characters of the Bible." The Englishman pipes up and says, "The three Kings?...

My Mom's favorite joke

There was a woman named Betty Lou, whose life had recently fallen into a downward spiral of horrible luck. She had been laid off after working for the same company for several years. She began binge eating to cope, and as a result become terribly overweight. This made it more difficult for her to ac...

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe..

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempt...

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Man is standing in line to get a train ticket.

The woman behind the counter is very attractive, and has big breasts. When he goes up to the counter, the man blurts out, "Can I please have a one-way ticket to Tittsburg...uh...I'm sorry...I mean Pittusburg."

As the woman is creating his ticket, he turns to the man behind him and says, "That...

Three young men walk into a bar and order a drink.

Three young men walk into a bar and order a drink. There is an older man sitting at a table in the corner who has clearly been drinking. He comes up to them and points to the man in the middle and says, "Hey you, I f***** your mom." He then goes back and sits down at his table.well the men are shock...

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So he walks in for a Condom...

This young 18 year old young man walks into a drugstore nervously and after hesitating, summons the courage to approach the pharmacist at the counter and gets even more nervous. The wise and experienced pharmacist smiles and asks him to relax and open up. He finally blurts out:
"I'd like to buy ...

A professor is teaching Computer Science 101...

A professor is teaching computer science 101 and gets to the topic of recursion, but after reading his prepared notes, one of his students seems particularly perplexed and questions the teacher.

"I don't understand, you said a recursive algorithm one that calls itself?" The student asks.
<...

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my f...

A drunk guy walks out of a bar..

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling
Back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,
"Can I help you Sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the ...

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A Chinese man and a Jewish man are in an elevator..

..As they ascend floors, the Jewish man turns to the Chinese man and blurts out "You know what.. I don't like Chinese people too much." Taken back, the Chinese man asks him why. "Because you guys were responsible for Pearl Harbor!" Shocked, the Chinese man responds "That was the Japanese.." The Jew ...

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A guy gets on a bus... [long]

A guy gets on a bus—

The only available seat is next to a nun.
I HATE nuns, he thinks. It’s the only available seat, so he begrudgingly sits down next to her.
After a few minutes, she runs her head ever so slightly and he can see her face.
She’s the most beautiful woman he’s ever ...

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Linguists from France, Italy, and Germany were debating which language was the most beautiful.

The German representative was waving his hand frantically to be chosen to speak, when the French representative began to speak.

"French is certainly sublime. Consider the word Papillon. How could the word for butterfly be more beautiful than the butterfly itself”

The German is dying ...

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First visit to a brothel (NSFW)

After several years of loneliness a man visits a brothel. He speaks with the madame at the front desk and he says, "It's been years since I've had sex, and I've never been to a place like this before. What can I get for twenty bucks?"

"Hmmm..." says the mistress, "twenty won't get you much i...

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There's a faint knock on the lawyer's door.

He says, "Come in!" He hears a feeble fumbling at the doorknob. Curious, he goes to the door and opens it and finds a very, very elderly couple.

He immediately rushes to put two chairs in front of his desk, then rushes back to the door to help the couple hobble over to those chairs, and then ...

My wife told me a joke today.........

Man on his deathbed, wife by his side holding his hand

"wife" says the man "I have to tell you something."

"hush" says the wife "whatever it is I don't care, just close you eyes and go to sleep"

"but wife I really must get it off my chest"

"Whatever it is doesn't matter n...

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TIFU by causing a massive fight at our families Labor Day BBQ

Now, a bit of background for you all.
Every year, my grandparents invite the entire family over to their place for their annual Labor Day barbecue.
Very rarely, my cousin Samuel decides to come along, and usually only if he's that desperate for a free meal.
Everyone in my family talks mad s...

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A woman is feeling confident so she goes to a bar by herself one night...

She sits down and buys herself a drink, a little timid but looking around to see if they are any attractive men. After a little while (and 3 vodka red bulls) she sees a man walk in and also sit down by himself. Feeling good, she walks over, sits down, and introduces herself.

She and the man c...

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Three guys are drinking in a bar, and this drunk wanders in..

He immediately goes to the middle guy, slaps him on the back and says "HEY! .. I fucked your mother last night.."

The guy in the middle ignores him, and the drunk shifts to the other side to start drinking and talking to himself. He comes back over ten minutes later and does it again!

...

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Too much cock..

A man goes to a doctor claiming his speech impediment is effecting his life, no one will hire him, no females will talk to him, no one wants to be his friend because of the way he talks and something needs to be done. The doctor curiously looks into the situation.
“Turns out your penis is to...

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Six year old Bobby is at his grandmothers house...

When he has to go to the bathroom. As most six year olds do, he walks into the bathroom without knocking and sees his naked grandmother coming out of the shower. “Bobby! What are you doing?” Bobby says “sorry grandma, I had to go pee.” Bobby looks down and points at her privates and asks “what’s tha...

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are taking their wives to play golf.

The Englishman's wife walks up to the tee, bends over to put her ball on the tee, the wind blows her skirt up and she isn't wearing underwear. The Englishman says, "My heavens Elizabeth where are your underthings? She replies "Reginald, on the money you give me for the household, I can't afford un...

Dave has an awesome job

Dave was commissioned to drive the Pope to the airport within the hour. Unfortunately, being a new driver, he got lost.

"It's all right, my son. I used to drive these streets in my youth. We'll get there in time."

The Pope took the wheel with Dave sitting in the back seat. He drove lik...

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Learning from Construction workers *long*

So a boy is home from school one day, and he's driving his mother nuts. Finally she gets fed up and tells him to go across the street where they are doing construction on a house, and not to come home until he learns something.
A few hours pass, and the boy comes home. The mother asks "Did you ...

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A judge asks a defendant to please stand.

"You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."


From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"


"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
...

The Genie and the Demon

Three men are out walking in the woods one day, when they stumble upon an old bronze lamp. Naturally, having spent much of their lives reading internet jokes, their first inclination is to rub the lamp and excitedly greet the genie that emerges.

"You have freed me from my near-eternal captivi...

A prisoner is showering when all of a sudden four guys surround him.

He tries to leave but they won't let him. They tell him "don't worry, it won't be all of us". Panicking, in the hopes of scaring them away, he blurts out that he has AIDS. The guys back up, and thank him for letting them know. Then they turn to the guy on the end and say "Frank, you're good".

Two Irishmen were fishing in a lake...

...when one of them caught a strange-looking lamp. After pulling it off his line, a genie appeared and said, "None of this three wishes nonsense. You get one wish between the two of you, so you better make it good."

The man who caught the lamp blurts out, "I wish every lake, ocean, and river ...

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A young lady walks into a pet store to buy a parrot

The guy behind the counter says that he only has one and that it's a real smart-ass, with a vulgar vocabulary and a rude temperament.

The woman says that's OK I know how to handle assholes like that, I want the parrot anyway.

So the woman gets the bird home, puts it in her room, and st...

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A man is walking along the beach, and encounters a woman with no arms or legs

She catches him looking, so he feels it necessary to say hi. She explains that her caretaker left her there, while she went to get lunch. They chat for a while, and he stands to walk away. The woman looks at him, and blurts out:

"Hey. You're so nice and handsome. I'm embarrassed to even ask t...

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