UPJOKE
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Blue Light Jokes

A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear-view mirror pulls to the side of the road.

After coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.

The man asks, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: "You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you."

Man: "No sir, I was going a little over 60."

Wife: "O...

You’re speeding down a road when you see red and blue lights in your rearview mirror...

You tense up and pull over to the side of the road. The cop pulls over behind you on a police motorcycle. You’re perspiring hastily at the thought of getting a ticket. The cop approaches your vehicle and says “Do you know how fast you were growing?”

You say “Yes officer, I was going fifteen ...

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A doctor gets called to the hospital in the middle of the night

As it's an emergency, and the highway is completely empty at this time of night, he's going a little over the speed limit. Suddenly, he sees blue lights fire up behind him, and he's pulled over.

The cop approaches the car and says "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"About five mile...

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A cop waits for a bar to close and watches for drunks to drive off...

The first man out the door stumbles, wanders around looking for his car, then drops the keys under his car and starts crawling around looking for them. The cop, knowing if he waits until the guy finds his keys and pulls out he'll have a DUI arrest, sits and watches him for a while. Eventually the ma...

A man purchased a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him....

He took his new Benz out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's n...

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NSFW

So as a young marine gets on his ship he asks the captain what he is to do about his sexual urges. The captain takes him to the bottom of the ship into a room with blue lights. In the middle of the room there is a barrel with a hole in it. The captain looks at the young man and says “this barrel wil...

Swimming Contest

Swimming contest
Joe and Jim were at the lake. Joe said, “Let’s have a swimming contest.” Jim said, “No way, you know you’ll win. You’re twice as fast as me.”


Joe said, “Well, how about if you take the canoe across while I swim? Will you race then?”


“Oka...

A man walks his dog late at night when he observes an obviously drunk guy. The guy stops at a parked car, swipes across the car's roof with his arm and says "Nope."

He stumbles over to the next car, again swipes across the roof with his arm and again: "Nope."

This goes on for a while until finally the dog owner decides to ask the man what he was doing.

Drunkard: "I'm searching my car!"

Dog owner: "But you can't find your car by swiping your...

A farmhand hits a pig with his truck

A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. ...

Dave has an awesome job

Dave was commissioned to drive the Pope to the airport within the hour. Unfortunately, being a new driver, he got lost.

"It's all right, my son. I used to drive these streets in my youth. We'll get there in time."

The Pope took the wheel with Dave sitting in the back seat. He drove lik...

Valentines special! $500.00

We arrest you in front of your wife and release you on Sunday.
It includes fishing license, poles, boat fees, tent, beers and all necessities for the whole weekend.
We come in full police uniforms and blue lights.

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To the guy who's been tailgating my dad's car for the past hour

Fuck off, like seriously. My dad's already driving 30KPH over the speed limit

Also, turn off those flashing red and blue lights. They look ridiculous

Paddy was speeding down the motorway

When the blue lights of the police appeared in his rear view mirror.

Pulling him over, the police man said "I've been waiting for you all day!"

Paddy replies "well, I got here as fast as I could!"

Followed by the cops

So I was driving on the freeway and I noticed this cop following me. I sped up to 50 mph, and he followed, then to 60 mph, and still he followed, then I sped up to 90mph and he still followed me with blue lights flashing.

So I was like "oh no", and pulled over.

The cop walked up to my ...

On a recent trip to New York the Pope saw the most beautiful red car...

As the Pope basked in the beauty of the red car, the owner appeared and insisted that he should take it for a test drive.

"No, no!" exclaimed the Pope, "I couldn't possibly!"

The driver wouldn't take no for an answer and jumped in the back of the beautiful red car. And so off they we...

State trooper

A woman is driving through rural Pennsylvania when red and blue lights come on in her rearview mirror. The officer approaches the vehicle.

Officer: Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?
Woman: Ya, you wanted to invite me to the policeman's ball!
Officer: Ma'am I am a Pennsylvania ...

An old man bought a New BMW

and is driving on the Highway, 110mph,
125...
150
when there suddenly is blue light behind him.
He thinks to himself:"I am 87 and have a New car, I try to outpace him."
After a few minutes of chasing, He reaches 160mph.
He reconsiders :" Whatever, I am too old for this." and pul...

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A man comes out of a bar piss drunk...

...and starts patting with his hands on all the parked cars roofs.

Some guy walks by and asks him what he's doing.

"I'm looking for my car" He answers.

"You'll never find it that way" The man said.

"Yes I will. Mine has a blue light on top."

The Queen of England is due to arrive at a state dinner in Washington D.C.

Her plane was delayed due to weather and she was 40 minutes late.

Traffic was light and she thought she could make up the time, but the driver was the slowest she ever had.

“Could you drive a bit faster,” she asked.

“No, your highness. I cannot speed.”

“I am in a bit of ...

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The pope's traffic stop

The pope is on tour in the United States. He's sitting in the back of the popemobile, and he says to himself, "You know, this is really getting to be a drag. Every day it's the same crowds, the same homily." Then a light bulb goes on. He says, "Driver, pull over. I'm going to drive for a while. You ...

One evening a man was driving down the road at 80mph when he passed a police car....

The cop put on the blue lights and followed him, but the man didn’t slow down at all... The pursuit lasted 20 mins until the police car finally cornered the speeding car and stopped him.

The policeman walked up to the driver and said... “You’d better have a damn good excuse for driving the w...

Schroedinger's car...

Schroedinger is driving down the road when he sees blue lights flashing behind him, He pulls over, One officer comes to talk to him, the other goes to the back of the car and fiddles with the trunk, the first officer says "I pulled you over because your trunk is open". the second officer yells from ...

A man buys a new BMW...

He decides to take it on the highway to see how fast it can go. Once he hits 100, he sees the red and blue lights of the cop car light up. He thinks to himself, maybe I can outrun the cop. So he continues to floor it. He makes it to 140, and the cop is still right behind him. So reluctantly he pulls...

A older man bought himself a convertible sports car

He figured he'd lived past the age of 50 quite responsibly and it was about time he started having some fun.

He was driving down the highway with the roof down far exceeding the speed limit. Suddenly he sees blue lights flashing in his rear view mirror, the traffic police...

Increasin...

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NSFW: A man is exploring a cave when two large boulders fall on his leg, pinning him to the ground. A spider is the only one to hear his cries for help.

“I am the elder spider of this cave and will grant you one wish!” he says.
The man makes his wish and the spider calls all his brethren to watch. Thousands of spiders gather around, rubbing their hind legs and smacking their mandibles. The man is confused and a little scared but figures the sp...

An old man buys a new car.

He rools down the windows, and heads for the highway, speeding up to 200 km/h. The adrenalin of passing other cars and the wind against his face made him feel young again. Suddenly, he hears sirens and see blue lights from his behind, so he speeds up without a second thought.

When it hits him...

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A Science-Minded Deviant

There's this scientist that loves dolphins. He loves dolphins so much, he wants to figure out a way to make them live forever. For years he slaves away in his basement laboratory, and he believes that he has found a compound that when given to dolphins, will make them live forever. The only probl...

An older gentlemen gets a new car with his retirement...

Man: I don't have much longer living. Let's see what I can do!

The man gets onto the highway and goes about 15 miles over the speed limit when he sees blue lights behind him.

Man: As I do not have much longer, let's have fun!

The man drives faster and faster while the cop stays...

So two scientists invent a machine that can travel to other dimensions...

After much calibrating and testing and preparing, the scientists hop aboard their creation and activate it. There is a blinding flash of blue light and in an instant the scientists are sitting in the middle of a grassy field. There is no sign of their lab...or really anything familiar at all.
<...

Only in Australia

A farmhand in Australia was out checking farm fences in his Land Cruiser when he hit something. He radioed the farm for advice.

"There's a pig stuck in the bullbar and is still alive but he's kicking and squealing so much I can't get him free," he said.

"Okay," said the boss. "In the...

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A lady speeding to work.

A lady is speeding to work down HWY 85, when she thinks to herself," there has to be a state trooper on that overpass up there." Sure enough there he was,so he put on the blue lights and pulled her over. He asks her," Ma'am, are you aware you were speeding? ". "Sir, I don't have time for this," sh...

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[LONG] A man and his son were speeding on their way home in time for..

dinner, when flashing blue lights appear out of nowhere behind them. "Bastards!" the dad shouts. The boy, curiously asks, "What does bastards mean Daddy?". The father, not wanting his son to pick up the bad language responds, "It's just another word for policemen son."

The pair continue driv...

There was a middle aged guy who bought a Mercedes convertible 2000....

He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great", he thought and floored it some more.

He looked in his rear-view mirror and there was a State Patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and ...

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Shut Up, Manners, and Poop are cruising down the road...

Shut Up is driving, Manners is in the passenger seat and Poop is having a blast sitting in the back. Poop keeps getting close to the open window and Manners tries to warn him but it's too late; Poop flies right out the window. Shut Up waits until it's safe and then pulls the car over. He tells Manne...

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An old joke I read while searching for jokes on Discord with friends the other day. Not mine, but good regardless.

A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip across the country. He knows his wife is always getting horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her having sex with someone else.

So he went to a stor...

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New Car

A man in Arizona gets a new sports car and decides to test it out. He gets out on a long stretch of highway and begins to speed up. No cars are around, so he hits 65, the speed limit. A few moments later still no cars, so he gets it up to 85. Suddenly blue lights go off behind him.

Fuck i...

His wife left him.

A man lived a struggled life. He worked for every dollar, had a wife that never appreciated his efforts and never even had a chance to smile. His wife left him at 40, and he continued to work hard until retirement, struggling to build his savings. At retirement, he had enough saved to buy the fancy ...

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Always drive in reverse when you're drunk (True story)?

This is a true story. Many many years ago, before drink driving laws were as strong as they are today, a friend of my Dads, lets call him Dave, was leaving the pub, keys in hand and a hefty number of pints on board.

"Jesus, am I all right to drive" he wonders as he misses the ignition with th...

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