UPJOKE

Black And Blue Jokes

What is white and gold and black and blue?

A blonde in a physically abusive relationship.

See you guys in hell.

A women goes to the doctor all black and blue...

Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mou...

Black and Blue

A new widow, upon learning that her late husband had been dressed in a black suit for burial, told the funeral director she wanted a blue suit instead; it was his favorite color and she would pay extra for the change.

On the day of the funeral, there was her husband in his coffin with a form...

What's red, white, black and blue?

Uncle Sam falling down the stairs.

Dave was getting robbed in the desert

he gave the robber his money and asked the robber shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.

he then asked," shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward"

after the robber shot...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's black and blue and hates sex?

The boy scout in my trunk.

What do you get when you cross a dachshund,a black lab, and a Blue Heeler?

A black and blue weiner.

What is 18 inches long, black and blue, stiff as a board, and makes women scream?

crib death

My stepfather, beating me black and blue, was no accident.

Just a terrible faux pa.

What's brown, black and blue and lays at the bottom of a ditch?

A brunette that's told one too many blonde jokes.

Fast

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.The bartender looks at the guy and asks: What's wrong with your turtle? Not a thing, the man responds, this beat up turt...

Filming *Aladdin* must have been physically very hard on Will Smith.

I understand that at the end of each day shooting he was black and blue.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a pharmacy

and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once. I need something to keep me ready and keep me potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label \*...

I completed my karate exam with flying colors!

Black and blue that is.

If you could have a Dodge Viper or the girl of your dreams, what colour would it be?

Black and blue of course.
...
The girl, not the car.

(Courtesy of my son, the sicko).

Introducing new Beats by Chris Brown

Now available in black and blue

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Black Out Drunk and in Love

A man woke up in the morning with a terrible hangover and he couldn't remember what he had done the night before. On the table next to the bed he saw two aspirins, a glass of water, and a note from his wife, saying, "Honey, there is a hot breakfast waiting for you in the kitchen. Love you lots!"
...

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It wasn't my fault

Little Johnny comes home from sunday school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" "But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dr...

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A teenage boy is caught shoplifting

The shop owner knows the boy's family so he just chews him out and calls his Dad who takes him home and grounds him. The boy's grandfather sees him crying and asks what's wrong. Through sobs the boy tells his grandfather what happened.

The grandfather says "You need to grow some balls son. S...

Hunting by the Tracks

3 friends are out camping and hunting together. A blonde, brunette, and a redhead. They take turns going out hunting while the other two tend the camp. First the Brunette goes out hunting. She creeps off into the woods and a short while later comes back with a deer dragging behind her.

"Wo...

Bubba wants to be a Lumberjack

Bubba is a good old boy from Texas who visits Alaska and is amazed at the size of Alaska. He visits a lumber camp and wants to be a Lumberjack he tells the foreman. The boys have a little fun with Bubba and they tell him you have to pass 3 tests. Test one is to chop a hole in the frozen lake and swi...

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A guy goes to The Philippines for a two week vacation

While there he makes it a point to sleep with a different prostitute every night. A few days after he gets home he notices his dick beginning to turn black and blue and shrivel up, so he immediately goes to the doctor.
The doctor runs a few tests and says "I hate to tell you this, but I'm afraid...

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