UPJOKE

Big Tit Jokes

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I ...

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my wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.

I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.

I hate it when youtubers have really big tit...

les and I click on the video purely to see what they named their video

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What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with big tits?

One is a crusty bus station,
the other is a busty crustacean

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blonde with big tits

A guy walks in and asks the bartender Isn't that Bush and Condi Rice sitting over there?



A guy walks in and asks the bartender Isn't that Bush and Condi Rice sitting over there?



The bartender says Yep that's them.



So the guy walks over and says Wow this i...

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After my wife died of a heart attack, I didn't want to settle down again right away. I wanted to have some fun first, so I went online to find a young girl with big tits that I could have casual sex with. Needless to say, my in laws weren't impressed...

They thought I should have called an ambulance first...

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Stormy Daniels says Donald Trump paid $130,000 hush money to cover up an affair. Do you believe the bleached blond with big tits?

Or do you believe Stormy Daniels?

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If girls with big tits work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work?

IHOP

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Why guys like a girl with "big tits and a tight pussy"

So they fit with his big mouth and small dick.

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Having big tits because you are fat...

is like having a fast car because it's falling off a cliff.

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I want a girl who has big tits and swallows

They are my two favorite birds after all.

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An old lady, a blond chick with big tits, an American guy and a Canadian guy...

...are all sitting together on a train traveling through the Rockey Mountains. As they pass through a tunnel it becomes pitch black and a lout SLAP breaks the silence. As the train emerges from the tunnel, the American guy has a bright red hand print on his face.

The old lady thinks "That g...

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I asked this nice girl a question the other day.

She was pretty, young, blond, had big tits and gave me a pleasant smile. I asked her if six inches satisfies? She grimaced and pondered, shifting her weight from foot to foot as if balancing the question and finally replied "no not really".

So I ordered the seven inch pizza instead.

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The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation. After much debate and research, they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the p...

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The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him

Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinalsthat he had some good news and some bad news.

The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was ha...

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Celibacy or .....

Before being ordained 6 priests had to stand nude with a bell tied to their cocks. Anyone whose bell rang had no spiritual purity. A naked girl with big tits & a shaved fanny danced before each one. 1st priest no reaction. She went down the line with no response from them till she reached last p...

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Two men at an airport

First man says, "I can't find my wife."

Second man says, "I can't find mine either, what does yours look like?"

First man " Six foot tall, blonde, big tits, mini skirt, high heels and a boob tube, whats yours look like?"

Second man says, "Fuck her, we'll look for yours."

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I love this joke but it's in Venetian dialect so I'll try to translate it see if you like it

A man goes in this new place that matches you up with the prostitutes that fits you perfectly.

So he goes in, he pays the 100€ and gets in front of 2 doors.

One says "blonde" the other "brunette".

"Oh fam I'm all for that brunette puss ayy".

And he goes into the "brunett...

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My small grandson got lost in the shopping mall....

He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The guard asked, "What's his name?"
"Papa"
The guard smiles then asked, "What's he like?"
The boy hesitated for a moment then replies,
"Single malt Scotch whisky and women with big tits...

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A couple was celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary.

When the night fell, the wife approached her husband wearing the same shear negligee she had worn on their wedding night. She looked coquettishly at her husband and asked, “Do you remember this?”

“Yes, dear, I do.” He said, “This is the same negligee that you wore on our wedding night.”
...

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Personals Ad

Premature ejaculator seeks woman with big tits, a curvy arse and.... oh, never mind.

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Paulie Walnut's Pope joke from Sopranos S5E1: cut to punchline only due to length

The Pope is sick and none of the Vatican doctors can figure it out. They summon an old wise man from the hills. He examines the Pope and says he's got a terminal case of blue balls. The only cure is for him to have sex, and the Cardinals go nuts. Finally, the Pope agrees but gives four condition...

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We've been having really nice weather lately.

Today my neighbor with the big tits was mowing the lawn topless. I just wish his wife would do the same.

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A Young Man Went to his Doctor for a Routine Checkup

When he came in for the results, the doctor said gravely “Tom, I think you’d better sit down. I’ve got some good news and some bad news.”

“All right doc” said Tom. “Give me the bad news first.”

“You’ve got cancer,” said the doctor. “Brain cancer. It’s spreading incredibly fast, it’s t...

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My buddy was dating twins...

I asked him how he could tell them apart, and he replied, "That's easy. Barbara has really big tits and Bob has a mustache."

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Wedding night revelations

A very religious couple, who have saved themselves until marriage, rush to their hotel room after the wedding ceremonies.

Before they go in, the bride, embarassed, says:

*-My darling, I have a confession to make... I've been wearing padded bras this whole time, my boobs are so very sma...

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Sand paper sally

So a guy gets out of prison. He has been locked up about 15 years but the day has finally come and he is loving life.
He gets released and has the clothes on his back and give dollars to his name.
Above all else, before food, lodging, anything. This man wants some pussy.
So, he goes to a br...

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Fishing trip

Two guys vacationing in Florida decide they want to go fishing. So they go into town and enlist the help of a local redneck who says he knows the perfect spot.

The guys grab their gear and head out on the hike. Along the path they come across a sheep tangled up in a barbed wire fence.
...

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Handjobs £10

Edit: formatting


An Irishman walks into a cafe. He reads a menu that's says:

Cheese roll 10p

Ham roll 20p

Handjobs £10

He notices a beautiful blonde who works there with an amazing body and big tits, so asks her, "Are you the one that gives out the handjobs?"...

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Once upon a time, lived a noble king...

He had a son, which grew up and became a handsome prince.
One day, the king decided to find a suitable bride for his boy. He ordered his subjects to prepare a magnificent
feast and to invite princesses from all over the world.

More than 150 princesses attended the feast. The number was ...

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Warning: no pun alert, I repeat: not a pun

A man from Serbia was working in Germany for about ten years now and he was getting nostalgic for his home country so he went to the boss and said to him: " Boss, I have been woking hard all of these years and I would like to have a 2 week vacation to return to Serbia". Boss approved his wish so he ...

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A kid walks in on his parents taking a shower...

He hears them saying to one another: "Honey, you have big balls." "Babe, you have big tits".

The boy asks, "Mom, dad, what are tits and balls?"

His parents reply, "Oh, uhhh... that's just another way of saying hats and scarves, now go play." So the kid goes off to play.

Later...

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One of the best jokes in the world?

A man has been stranded on a deserted island for 5 years. He is all by himself. His only source of pleasure is masturbation...but after 5 years, he has thought of every single fantasy 100s of times, and is therefore no longer able to get a hard on.

Depressed beyond belief, he sits alone an...

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The escort

So Ross calls for an escort. He says, "Make sure she has big tits and a tight pussy!"
A half hour later when there is a knock on the door, Ross says, "Are you from the escort service?"
And the woman answers, "Yes, I am. I'm looking for a guy named Ross with a big mouth and a little dick!"

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Blonde Brunette and Black

A man is walking in London, when it suddenly starts raining so he takes shelter in a peek-a-boo sex shop and pays $50 to get in. He’s then confronted by 3 doors.

They read “Blonde”, “Brunette” and “Black”. He chooses “Blonde”, only to be confronted by 3 more doors reading “Small Tits”, “Mediu...

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Mad Cow Disease

A Sexy Female TV reporter, with Big boobs, interviews a farmer, seeking the cause of Mad Cow disease.


Lady: Sir, we are here to get info on what causes Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea?


The farmer said, "Do you know that a Bull screws a Cow only once a year?"

...

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A guy walks into a bar...

He sits down at the bar, orders his drink and looks around the room.

In a booth in the back corner, he notices George Bush, Dick Cheney, and Condoleezza Rice sharing a few pitchers of beer.

He asks the bartender if it is actually them and it's confirmed.

So after about an hour a...

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Two salesmen walk into a train station

The old salesman sends the younger one up to get their tickets

Behind the counter is a stunning beauty with big tits and a beautiful smile

The young salesman stammers "I'd like two Pickets to Tittsbugh...I mean two tickets to Pittsburgh please"...she laughs, hands him the tickets and h...

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The pope is ill...

The clergy call upon the Pope's doctor to come see what is wrong with him. After a thorough examination, the doctor has some bad news: "Pope, you're very ill, and I'm afraid the only cure is for you to have sex with a woman." Shocked, the Pope says: "For my people, I will do it. However, only under ...

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A guy with a black eye boarding a plane , notices the man he's seated next to has a black eye too.

He asked the man , "do you mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The man replied, " it was a tongue twister accident, a gorgeous blonde with big tits at the ticket counter , asked where I was going. So I replied, ' I'd like two pickets to tits burgh'."
So she socked me a good one. The other man ...

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Swinger's Party

I went to this swingers party and tossed my keys into a bowl.

I thought I had hit the jackpot when this hot big titted sultry blonde picked them out.


Never saw my BMW again.

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Big Shit

On a BA flight from Delhi to London, the pilot comes over the public address system, and tells passengers at what altitude they will be flying, the expected arrival time, a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, the pilot...

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A grandfather and grandson go to a shopping mall...

All of a sudden the grandson turns around and looks around and realizes he can't find his grandpa. A security guard comes up to this little boy and asks...
"Can I help you boy?"
The little boy reply's "I cant find my grandpa!"
So then the security guard asks "Well, whats his name?"
"Um...

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So a man is told by his doctor he only has five days to live...

On the first day he goes out and gets himself a Japanese prostitute with big tits and fucks her like there is no tomorrow.

On the second day he goes out and gets himself a redhead Irish prostitute with a nice ass and he fucks her like there is no tomorrow.

On the third day he goes ou...

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Horse Names banned by the British Horse Racing Authority

Chit Hot

Chocolate Starfish

Choke the Chicken

Curl One Off

Dick Face

Harry Azzol

Harry Balls

Harry Monk

Hugh G Dildeaux

Hugh G Rection

Hugh Gass Kisser

Hugh Gorgy

Hugh Janus

Ima Hoare

Ima Goodlay
...

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So the Pope was feeling ill

His people brought in a team of doctors to diagnose him. The doctors called a meeting with the Pope and all of his advisers to share the news.

The lead doctor started "Gentleman, we have some bad news. The Pope has a very rare condition and there is only one cure, he has to have sex othe...

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As the pope lay dying he is visited by an angel...

This angel tells him that before he dies, God has commanded that he must make love to a young virgin so he may know and understand the earthly pleasures he gave up his whole life.

The Pope argues for a while but then finally agrees to do it if certain conditions are met:

"First, she m...

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New brothel

In Detroit, brothels are now automatized. One puts twenty dollars in a slot and a door opens.

A politician decides to have a go. He puts in the twenty bucks and the door opens.

He finds himself in a corridor with two doors: one reads "Blonde", the other reads "Brunette".

He ch...

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The pope has a check up with a doctor...

And the doctor tells him, "for the most part, you're in perfect health, but your prostate is inflamed and could develop into something real painful very soon."
"Okay well is there anything I can do to help that?" asks the pope.
"Yes," says the doctor eyeing him. "But it's going to be difficult...

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Blind, Deaf, Dumb...

The Pope was dying and his followers were given to believe that his life would be saved if he slept with a woman.

That's impossible,' said the Pope. 'I am the Holy Father and cannot contravene God's law.'

They spent a long time trying to persuade him. 'It is in order to save your life,...

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Doctor's Consultation

A patient returns to the doctors office for a consultation regarding his x-rays and biopsies.
The Doctor says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like first?"
The patient says, "Give me the bad news first."
The doctor says, "You've got terminal cancer and have at m...

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The Pope Fell Ill...

The Pope became very sick, and all the doctors in the world could not find a cure. Finally, in the back of an ancient medical text kept deep in a Vatican library, they found a possible cure: The Pope must have sex with a woman. The Pope was shocked. How could this be? To have sex with a woman? Sca...

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