UPJOKE

Big Red Jokes

Why do baboons have big red balls?

So they can hide in apple trees.

What's the most dangerous job in Africa?

Picking apples.

What is big, red and eats rocks

A big red rock eater

What’s big red and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

A fire truck

I got a card today and on the envelope in big red letters said, "PLEASE DO NOT BEND."

"How am I going to pick it up?" I thought to myself .

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anal sex is like a big red button with "do not push" on it...

You know you shouldn't, butt fuck it.

Someone just coloured in my entire Swiss flag red!

That’s a big red flag, and it certainly isn’t a big plus on my end

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wakes up to find a big red dot in the middle of his forehead...

and he goes to the doctor to get it checked out.

The doctor said "Oh yes, I've seen this before. You're going grow a penis where that dot is, right in the middle of your forehead."

The man was dumbfounded. "You mean I'm going to have to wake up every day, look in the mirror, and see ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dirty Ernie is in school and the teacher says

Which one of you kids can give me a word that starts with A? Dirty Ernie raises his hand and is excitedly waving..,,,, the teacher knows Ernie is dirty and so she calls on Jane…Jane says apple….a big red apple …and the teacher is pleased and relieved that Ernie didn’t answer….. she goes onto each le...

I woke up with a really stiff neck. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, my face was white as a sheet! i had a big red nose, bright red fuzzy hair and a really tiny bowler hat on top. I turned on the tap and glitter poured out. Then i realised what had happened..

I slept funny.

Two generals

During WWII, the German and Italian General were standing on a cliff in Northern France, watching as the Allied Troop carrier ships were approaching the coast.

The German General yelled,

\- “Capitan, bring me my red coat.”

The surprised Italian General said,

\- “But a w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Red Riding Hood sets out to go visit her grandmother, who lives in another village

As she's walking on the forest road, she sees the big, bad wolf hiding behind a shrub. She stops and says:

\-My, what big red eyes you have!

The wolf looks at her and leaves without saying a word, disappearing in the dense forest. Little red riding hood continues walking on the same fo...

a blonde calls 911 and says "help, help, my house is on fire" ...operater says "stay calm ma'am, we'll send the fire department. how do we get to your house?"

Blonde: "duh...big red truck"

I bought my wife a mood ring.

Found out if she's in a good mood it turns green.

If she's in a bad mood it leaves big red circles on my forehead.

Stupid joke my dad told me when I was a kid, never forgot it.

So, the story goes that there was this town that had a big red lever in the middle of the town square. The lever, if pulled, would destroy the world. Because of this the lever was heavily guarded at all times. Here is where we introduce a man in that town. His name was Nate. Nate grew up around that...

A man walks into a seafood restaurant and was told they had Lobster Tails on offer for $1.

“They must be small," he says.

"No, they're normal size," replies the waitress.

"Well they're old then."

"Fresh today," she answers.

"Then I'll have one," says the man, smiling.

The waitress takes him to table and he sits down.

"Once upon a time,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Madam, Thank you for the order at the Sex Toy Shop,

You asked for the big red that is featured on our wall. Please re-select, that is our fire extinguisher.
Sincerely.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Red Riding Hood walks alone through the dark forest.

Suddenly she hears a rustling behind a thick bush.

She pushes the branches and bushes aside and suddenly the big bad wolf is sitting in front of her.

"Oh, bad wolf. Why do you have such big red eyes?"

"Get out of here. I'm pooping!"

I’m a little suspicious of my roommate always offering to sell me old communist memorabilia.

It’s a big red flag for me.

I don't date Chinese girls...

That's a big red flag for me...

If someone on a first date tells me their hobbies include drawing the flag of China without the stars I think to myself...

that's a big red flag!

What does a very convincing communist and a psychopath have in common?

People leave them with big red flags

I don’t trust people with a hammer and sickle in their bio.

Big red flag.

A Blonde in a Fire

One day a blonde woman is in her house and she smells smoke then her fire detector goes off. She quick runs to the phone to dial 911. She explains to the dispatcher her situation. The dispatcher asked her “how do we get there?” The blonde replies “in a big red truck, duh.”

If you go home with someone and they have the banner of the former Soviet Union flag hanging on the wall

That’s a big red flag.

Two guys found a big hole in the middle of the woods.

First guy says, "Man would you look at that hole, wonder how deep it is?".

Second guy replies, "Good question, let's throw something in there and listen for it to hit the bottom".

So the guys throw in a rock and wait. Nothing.

Next they try a big heavy tree branch. Nothing a...

Three men one from Florida, one from Texas, and one from New York all die and go to hell

When they get there they see a big red phone and they asked Satan what it's for, he says it's for calling earth but it's super expensive. The man from Texas says "Great I would love to call my hometown in Dallas" he talks for 2 hours and Satan charges him 2 million dollars. The man from Florida says...

I knew I shouldn’t have started dating a bull fighter—

There were big red flags!

No wonder China is behind the Coronavirus

We even saw a big red flag 🇨🇳

I wanted to move to Russia

But I looked around online & saw that they raised some big red flags.

Ladies, if your boyfriend wants matador equipment for Christmas...

That's a big red flag.

Two elderly couples are enjoying a visit

The men are in the living room, and the women are in the kitchen chatting over coffee.

One of the men says, "My wife and I had dinner at a new restaurant last night. It was excellent!"

"Oh!" says his friend. "What restaurant was it?"

The man thinks hard for a moment, then shak...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny has the foulest mouth in his first grade class

All the teachers at the school know this. One day, a teacher starts teaching her class the alphabet.

She says, "Class, who can give me a word that starts with the letter A?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, but the teacher knows Johnny is going to use a swear word, so she picks someone e...

Did you hear about the girl who went fishing with three guys?

She came home with a big red snapper.

A cardiologist in a small town died

He was very well loved in the town, and every other doctor in the area came to his funeral. The doctor wanted to be cremated so there were a big red heart in one of the walls that open in half revealing a cremation oven behind and the casket was slowly entered into the oven through the open heart....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys die in a drunk driving accident...

...and their three souls float up to heaven. They arrive at the gates of heaven, and after a minute, Saint Peter appears before them. Saint Peter says, "Boys, I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have died in a horrible car accident. We would love to welcome you into heaven, but you first must pass o...

A nun, a blonde girl, a German and a Dutch sit together in a train compartment.

The train goes through a tunnel, it gets dark. A loud slap can be heard, an outcry follows it. As the darkness fades a big red mark can be seen on the Dutch guys face.

The Dutch thinks to himself "The German guy must have tried to grope the blonde, but she mistook us in the dark and hit me i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde walks into a sex shop NSFW

A blonde walks into a sex shop. She asks the store assistant 'How much are these vibrators?'
The store assistant goes: 'Well, we have some for $50, these are $100, $120...'
The blonde then asks: 'What about that big red one?'
'Ooh... we don't sell that one.'
'But why??'
'Because it's ...

So I went on a date with this girl last night

Things were going well, so we ended up back at her place. Then things started going REALLY well, and we ended up in her bedroom. I looked around and saw that she had a king sized bed with Communist Party sheets.

Now that's a big red flag.

An old rabbi feels his time on earth is coming to an end...

He takes stock of his life and thinks about all the things he's done, and all the things he wishes he'd done. He thinks to himself, "I've always wanted to try pork!"

So the rabbi, being a cautious man, travels a few towns over and looks for a restaurant. Finding a likely place, he reads the m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man goes to buy a house

a man goes to buy a house, and he found one very good looking one. it was near the beach, it was big and it was cheap. So the man goes to see the house with the seller. They tour the house and it looks like it is everything he coud want, big, cheap and great view. when they arrive to the bathroom th...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.