UPJOKE

Bible And Jokes

The Bible and the Quran tell us to love each other

The Kamasutra is more specific.

I've read the bible and it turns out, I only believe in 12.5% of it.

Guess that makes me an Eighth Theist.

What’s the difference between the bible and Harry Potter?

Most people know that Harry Potter is fictional.

There's a lot of crossover between the Bible and Spongebob

Both are quite holey

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a bible and penis have in common?

Both get forced down your throat by a pastor at the age of 12.

When Americans are born, they're given a Bible and a Gun.

When one doesn't get them what they want, the other surely will.

I went to Hell for burning a Bible and shooting up the ashes with a syringe.

I guess I shouldn't have taken the Lord's name in vein.

It’s a sin to burn the bible and inject the ash into your bloodstream

For you are forbidden to use the Lord’s name in vein

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A Jew, Muslim and Christian are in a bar

A Jew, Muslim and Christian are in a bar. They are arguing about which religion is the best at recruiting new followers. In the end they all decide to each go into the woods over the week and find a bear. They are then to try and convert that bear to their religion.
A week goes by and they all me...

A stammering man walks up to a bible salesman.

"H-h-how is b-b-business g-going?" asks the man. "To be honest, not many people are into bibles these days," answers the salesman, "some people don't even answer their doors when they see me standing there." "T-t-that's a s-s-shame" says the man, "c-c-can I t-t-try f-for a d-d-day?" The biblesalesma...

Bible lesson

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between pages.

"Momma, look what I found...

A man's son is about to return from prison.

A man's son is about to return from prison. After spending five years in the clink, the man was very curious to know what his son plans to do further in life and what profession he's going to choose for his future. He decides to test his son. He sets a bottle of alcohol, a wad of money, a gun and a ...

One day, these parents wanted to find out what their Son was going to be when he grew up,

So they put a $100 bill, a bible and a whiskey bottle on a table.
If he picked up the $100 bill, it means that he was going to be a businessman, if he picked up the whiskey bottle, it means that he was going to be in the entertainment industry, and if he picked up the bible, it means that he was...

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A couple of parrots

An attractive young woman who was scantily dressed and wearing a cross, approached a priest after 8:00 Mass on Sunday morning and told him in confidence, "Father, I have a problem… I have two female parrots but they can only say one thing", and then she whispered in the priest's ear, 'Hi, we’re hot…...

A priest was driving A nun to church...

But suddenly the priest stops and tells the nun
"Im sorry sister but i have been dreaming of doing this"
he proceeds to stop driving and he put his hands under her robes and stroking her legs.
The nun replies with
"Father, remember Psalm 143:24"
The Priest responds with
"Im sorry ...

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.

Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.

The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third said: "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the...

A minister had fallen on tough financial times...

So tough, that he was unsure of how he would pay next months bills, or continue to provide food for his family.

One day, in a moment of doubt, he prayed: "Heavenly Father, I am worried and uncertain, but know that you always provide for your children. Please, give me some words from your book...

Three nuns were fatally injured in a horrific auto accident on Halloween night.

Being the holy women that they were, the three of them ascended into heaven.

The nuns were stopped at the gates of St Peter.

St Peter said to the nuns “Behold! The gates of your eternal kingdom & glory. Being Halloween night, I must ask each of you a biblical question which will pr...

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The Bicycle: "A teaching moment"

A Priest was about to finish his ten-year tour of missionary duty and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives about the Bible and Christian values, in their own language, when he realizes that the one thing he never really taught them was how to speak Engl...

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The Irish Railway Company

Correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company. Gentlemen, I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation sy...

Mama's Bible

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors
and lawyers.

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together.

They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly
mother who moved to Florida .

The first said, "You know...

One day, a zookeeper noticed a chimpanzee reading two books...

One day, a zookeeper noticed a chimpanzee reading two books--The Bible and Darwin's Origin of the Species. Astonished, he asked the ape, "Not only can you read, you're reading two books at once!?"

"Well," said the chimp, "I'm trying to figure out if I'm my brother's keeper, or my keeper's bro...

A Buddhist, a Muslim, and a Christian all jump off from the top of a 100-floor building to prove their faith can save them.

The Buddhist jumps first. As he's falling, he chants "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha." Sure enough, about halfway into falling down, he magically starts slowing down and he gently lands on the sidewalk. "Thank you, Buddha." he says with tears.

T...

A dad and his son...

...talk about the son's first car. The father strikes a deal with his son, "Cut your hair, improve your grades to a B- average, study up on the bible, and then I'll buy you a car." The son, seeing no other option, agrees. Two months later the dad checks in on the son to see him with long hair, readi...

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