UPJOKE

Beginning Of Jokes

I love how Pit Bull announces himself at the beginning of every song

giving us time to change the song.

It’s surprising that Jules and Vince spend so much time talking about the metric system at the beginning of Pulp Fiction

Quentin Tarantino usually only does feet

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So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.

One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is."

She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.

After class is over and the st...

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Just got back from the farm supply store. The price of manure has almost tripled since the beginning of the pandemic.

Shit's getting expensive.

What does the artist say in the beginning of the fencing match?

Avant-garde!

I hate it when people ask me what the beginning of the pandemic was like.

I don't have 2020 vision.

Thank you r/jokes. I read this sub every morning at the beginning of my work day, laughing like a maniac till my hands and legs shake uncontrollably.

I just wish the kids on the school bus I'm driving would stop screaming in fear once in awhile.

At the beginning of Creation...

God created humanity and he told his angels to assemble all the human parts. There were mountains of; head, arms, legs and every other body parts. And he explained how to assemble the parts. Heads on shoulders, arms by the side, etc.

So they started making a lot of people because they had a l...

Pontius Pilate: “As a gesture of goodwill to mark the beginning of Passover, we will release one prisoner.”

Crowd:

PP: “It’s part of my new Pilate program.”

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOO

What do cannibals serve at the beginning of a dinner party?

Handshakes.

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At the beginning of COVID 19, there was a man.

He was told to wash his hands for 20 seconds at a time. He chose not to and said God would protect him and the believers.
He was told he should be wearing a mask to protect others. He chose not to and said God would protect him and the believers.
He was told he should socially distance. He w...

I just read a book about the timber industry. The beginning of the book was much more positive than the rest of it.

It was the prologue.

Why are soldiers so tired at the beginning of April?

They just had a 31 day March.

Why do they run the credits at the beginning of Game of Thrones?

Because you don't know who is going to make it to the end.

What does Santa the Rapper say at the beginning of his concerts?

"Where my ho ho ho's at?"

In the beginning of time

Adam was taking a naked stroll through the Garden of Edan, naming the animals. He found a large creature with a long nose and big ears. He said "I think I'll call you Elephant." The elephant replied "How do you breathe through that thing?!"

I am the beginning of eternity, the end of time and space, the beginning of every end, and the end of every place. What am I?

2.71828183

Why does DJ Khaled shout his name at the beginning of the songs he produces?

So you know that it's time to change the channel.

If Jesus had lived at the beginning of the 20th century

All the little Catholic children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks!

At the beginning of this year I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds....

...Only 15 pounds to go!

What was Hungarian in the beginning of 20th century and went global in the 21st century?

Korona....


(Korona was the basic monetary unit of Hungary from 1892 to 1925)

Did you see that guy at the beginning of Infinity War?

He Loki died bro

When is the beginning of June also the end of May?

When it's the UK general election

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At the beginning of time two schools were created.

One was Matter High, the other Antimatter High. Each was tasked with creating the fundamental laws that would define the growth and existence of the universe.

Students at Matter High developed Gravitation, Strong Attraction, Weak Attraction, and Electromagnetism.

Students at Antimatt...

As a teacher, I had several parents tell me at the beginning of the year that their child was gifted.

Now the year is almost over, I'm looking forward to regifting most of them.

The Beginning of Life

A curious young girl asks her mother "Mom, how did life begin?". The mother responds and tells the story of Adam and Eve and how all life began there.

The young girl then asks her father the same question and he responds "Well, we all came from monkeys".

Now very confused, the young gi...

If I had a dollar for every year since the beginning of time...

I could buy Whole Foods

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At the beginning of class, the teacher introduced: "Children, today we welcome our new friend from Japan, his name is Suzuki Shakira."

Let start our lesson today by a few quizzes about American history !

\- Who said "Give me liberty or give me death." ?

The whole class was silent, only Suzuki raised his hand:

\- Patrick Henry, Philadelphia,1775.

\- Excellent ! Next one, who said "...government of the peo...

What does the beginning of the German alphabet start with?

Not Z.

What do you call Luke, Leia, Han, Chewie and the rest of The Rebellion at the beginning of a rugby match?

Rebel Scrum

Accordion to scientific studies, 90% ..

of people do not realise I replaced the beginning of this joke with a musical instrument.

My university lecturer makes all of his students buy his book at the beginning of the term.

It's textbook economics.

Did you guys know that handicapped people were mentioned in the beginning of the bible?

Cain's family was dis-Abel'd.

A notoriously strict professor has a policy that if you aren't in your seat at the beginning of the exam you get a 0. No questions asked.

On the day of the final, the professor sets each of the 200 exam packets on each desk before the students arrived. When the exam began every student is present except for one. About halfway through the exam time the student walks in, takes his seat, and begins.

The professor rolls his eyes a...

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What did the dwarf pimp say to the two prostitutes at the beginning of the night?

Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go

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A pilot, co-pilot and navigator were practicing training exercises over the Egyptian desert during the beginning of World War I when suddenly the engine died.

Unable to get the engine started again they all decide to parachute out before the plane crashed. Alone in the desert, they start walking back towards their base.

After a couple of hours walking they see a camel in the distance so they pick up their pace and sure enough eventually catch up w...

There have been several small quakes in California since the beginning of the COVID19 outbreak, and scientists have determined that San Diego and Oceanside are now about 6 feet further apart.

They’re calling it SoCal distancing.

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I went to a disco last night.

I went to a disco last night. They played The Twist, I did the Twist. They played Jump, I jumped. They played Come on Eileen...I got kicked out for that one.

EDIT: Added the beginning of the joke in here because somehow the name is Donald Trump now. What the fuck happened?!?!?

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A professor told dirty jokes in class

the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest.

Somehow the professor heard about the plan.

In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Swede...

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