UPJOKE

Before Dinner Jokes

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What do you call having a prostitute before dinner?

A hors d’oeuvre.

Sometimes I just absolutely need a drink before dinner.

It's an imperitif.

My family always prays before dinner.

If you ever tasted my wife's cooking you'd know why.

What did the skeleton say before dinner?

BONE appetit. His whole family found that HUMERUS.

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What can you say before dinner and after sex?

'You can put your dentures back in, grandma'

My wife sat down with half a pie before dinner.

Me: Are you really planning to eat pie before dinner?

Her: Its only half a pie.

Me: Its still irrational.

Little Timmy asks his friend " Does your family pray before dinner?"

His friend replies "No, my mom knows how to cook"

A Prayer before Dinner

During a weekly dinner date between two neighbours, the 5 year old boy of the host was instructed to pray for the dinner.

5 Yr Old:"But dad I don't know how to pray.

Host:"Just pray for your friends,family,the neighbours and the poor.

5 Yr Old: Dear Jesus, thank you for the neig...

What does a vegetarian hunter say before dinner?

"Lettuce prey"

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Guy goes to the doctor

"Doc, you gotta help me. I can't even think about getting out of bed without making love to my wife. I pick up my secretary up for a ride to work and she gives me a BJ on the way.

Doc says "Ok."

Guy says, " Around 10 or so, I'll take one of the receptionists into Xerox room and we'll d...

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3 Chinese Tortures :).... Trust me You will love it.

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you ...

My autistic cousin came to visit

When I was young, my autistic 10 year old cousin would constatly visit us, and I hated him because he was a brat. However, since his parents were extremely protective and thought of him as a little prince, they wanted to make me give him my "Up" DVD, because he really likes it.

When they left...

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A woman is going with her boyfriend to his parents' house...

...to meet and have dinner with them. This is a very important night, and she wants to make a good impression – she even made some bean pies for the occasion, the parents' favorite.

They get to the house, and are having dinner – so far everything is going just fine. Then…disaster strikes. Sh...

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New motorcycle

Credit to Bob Zany (I believe). I heard this on the Bob and Tom show this morning. This won't be exactly how he told it but it should be close.

A guy buys a himself a motorcycle from his neighbor. The neighbor tells him that he needs to rub Vaseline over the motorcycle before it rains or it w...

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The widow of the old rabbi must remarry...

The rabbi of a small village dies, and after some time the congregation decides that the widow should remarry.

Given the size of the village, there is only one possible candidate: "the butcher".

Although not very excited because she was used to living with an intellectual, the widow ac...

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Little Timmy comes home from school to find his parents in the middle of a fight.

Timmy's parents keep him pretty sheltered, and they don't normally fight in front of him, so he stops to see what is going on. The argument is pretty heated and at this point has devolved to plain old shouting insults at one another.

His mother yells at his father "At least I don't have hair...

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Damnit Oscar!

So a man is going to meet his girlfriends parents for the first time and is incredibly nervous. He arrives just before dinner and is sitting in the living room with the father and their dog Oscar while the girlfriend and mother are preparing the meal.

Being nervous, the mans stomach is turnin...

I have all the money I will ever need in my life...

...if I die before dinner.

A goalkeeper hosted a celebratory dinner at his house after his team won the league championship.

Before dinner, he asked the coach to say grace. The coach concluded his prayer by saying, “We ask that you bless this food in the name of the father, and of the son, and of the goalie host.”

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