UPJOKE

Be Successful Jokes

Will glass coffins be successful?

Remains to be seen

To be successful in a relationship, always be frank and ernest!

Frank when you're with your wife, and Ernest when you're with your girlfriend.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To be successful at relationships, be a dog.

Say little, listen a lot, and don't poop on the carpet

people told me i will never be successful because of my deafness

but i never listen to them

I thought I knew everyone I needed to know to be successful at my new job...

...turns out, I didn't know Jack.

My dad told me that I would only be successful when pigs fly.

WELL GUESS WHAT DAD?! Swine Flu.

To be successful in life, you have to pull yourself up by your shoelaces!

Unfortunately, I’m from Kentucky

The United States appears to be successfully avoiding a second wave

By keeping the first wave going

Giraffes can never be successful comedians...

Their humor goes way over your head. 😐

There are two things you need to understand to be successful.

1. Never tell anyone everything you know.

2.

Judaism is said to be successful because our religion has a lot of wisdom. Yes, the Jewish people always ask very wise questions...

Such as "Wise this jacket so damn expensive?! Dontcha have a discount for me??"

Periodic abstinence as contraception can be successful, provided one meets three very strict conditions:

1. The woman must have a very regular menstrual cycle.
2. You must be able to count well.
3. And you must really love children.

Loosely translated from Herman Finkers. My favorite dutch comedian.

What's the difference between pregnancy and being successful?

To be successful, you need to succeed but, if you want to get pregnant, you shouldn't.

_I'm not sure how to do puns on this sub, but the joke is that you shouldn't suck seed (which sounds like succeed) if you want to get pregnant_

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shaving your ass and going on a crusade are rather similar.

All you need to be successful is a sharp blade and unwavering faith.

I'm working on a show that focuses on the life of a gifted airplane captain.

Producers said that if I wanted to be successful, I'd need an excellent pilot.

A man in his backyard (Warning: May be offending)

After a stressful day, one man comes home and sits in his backyard, drinking a beer. As he's getting up to get a snack, he stops and asks, "Jesus, what is the meaning of life?"

To which Jesus replies,"You slave in the sun to support the ones you love. You make money so you can buy things for ...

The secret to success

There are all sorts of tips for a successful life but I have found the one guaranteed to bring you success and wealth.

To truly be successful it is important to only work half days.

And the best part of it? What makes this such a great plan? It’s that it doesn’t matter which 12 hours y...

What do people in this sub and a bakery have in common?

They both rely on cake to be successful

Arnold Schwarzenegger is starting a pest control business

It's bound to be successful, since he's an Ex-Terminator.

I've started a glass coffin manufacturing business.

My friend asked me if I thought it would be successful. I replied "remains to be seen".

Dave Mustaine Pitches a New Product to His Boss

After his presentation, his boss has a few words to say. "So you want to sell anti-war propaganda? I just don't see how that could be successful. You didn't even include a market analysis in your powerpoint. How am I supposed to get funding for this without any data? Where are you going to sell this...

I'd like to congratulate the inventor of the wobbly table

He must be successful with them being in every restaurant and cafe

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