I don't mean to be rude, but the SuperBowl was boring.

No offense.

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A guy with no arms walks into a bathroom….

So there’s a guy washing his hands and the guy with no arms says “hey man I’m a lil embarrassed, do you think you could help me out.” So he says sure, unzips the guys pants for him pulls his wiener out for him and it’s just the grossest most disgusting thing he’s ever seen, it’s all red and has open...

4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if yo...

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During the Vietnam war many men were being drafted

One man was young and in good shape but he didn’t want to fight in the war. He hid in his house for a long time. One day he decided he had to go out side. He was sick of being stuck in that house. He walks outside down the block and all of the sudden a military vehicle turns around the corner. It s...

"How would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

While teaching a class a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."...

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A farmer hears a knock on his door one night...

and he is surprised to see a Jew, a Muslim, and a Jehovah's Witness together on his doorstep. The farmer greets them and is wondering why such an unlikely trio of people are walking together at this time of night.

"Our cars got caught in the snow in the highway, and we can't get a signal out ...

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A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born:

"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier."

I was going to say the word “door” backwards

but thought it might be rude.

A soldier approaches a nun.

"I don't want to be rude, but can I please hide under your dress? I'll explain later." Said the man.

"Go ahead", answered the nun.

Two high ranked army-officers walk up and ask the nun: "have you, by any coincidence, seen a soldier?"

After the officers disappear the soldier lea...

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Updating a classic for modern times [long]

When the news of covid hit Tammy said "I don't need to worry, God will protect me."


Well when lock downs started Tammy said "I don't need to worry, God will protect me". And she continued to see her friends, and be rude to restaurant staff when she got take out and show up to places tha...

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a very small head

After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head?"

The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on a deserted...

Jesus and Moses are at the beach

Jesus and Moses are at the beach, enjoying their time down on earth they wanna see if they’ve still got it. So Moses walks up to the ocean, raises his hand and tries with all his might to part the sea. After a lot of effort Moses eventually manages to part the sea.

Then Jesus says “alright i...

An atheist dies and goes to hell...

... The devil greets him there
"Hey! Uhm... Welcome.
Listen, you were born, raised and died an atheist.
So I don't know which specific hell I should put you in.
Tell you what, I'll show you some of the popular hells and let you pick one."

They enter a big gate and head to the nea...

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A man with a lisp went on a blind date to a heavy metal concert

Paul had been ridiculed all his life for having a lisp. As a kid, he was bullied in school. As an adult, he caught coworkers making fun of him when they thought he couldn't hear. He would even notice cashiers trying to stifle their laughter. No woman would ever go out with him, and he felt resigned ...

There was an uber driver

He picked up an elderly woman. It was an average trip, 30 minutes. They were having a pleasant conversation when she offered him a peanut. Quite shocked, he took it, ate it and thanked her. Moments later she offered another, and another and he kept eating them.
After a while he began to wonder wh...

A train conductor was conducting his train...

when he derailed it and the train suffered a terrible crash. Only those in the front of the train survived. He was put on trial for the murder of nearly a hundred people. He was found guilty and sentenced to death by the electric chair.

When asked what he'd like for his last meal, he replied ...

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The Leprechaun Thief

I met a Leprechaun once, in a pub in Ireland. He was just minding his own business when I sat down on the stool next to him and ordered my drink.

"Your favourite Stout, please.", i said to the bartender. The Leprechaun turned his head and sized me up.

"You're a proper lad", he quipped....

A bus driver went to pick up some elder ladies

He nodded politely to all of them, then off they went in the misty morning streets. After about 10 minutes, a kindly old grandma walks up to him, fistful of peanuts, and says "You are such a careful driver and a polite young man, here is a gift from the knitters society to you!" The driver politely ...

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President Trump and Queen Elizabeth are having a political discussion...

President Trump and Queen Elizabeth are having a discussion about politics. Trump asks the Queen, "Could the United States become a Kingdom, like yours?"

And the Queen responds, "No, a Kingdom is ruled by a King. I'm sorry but you are no King."

This upsets Trump, but he thinks it over ...

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She was in good hands

A girl turned up on a blind date only to find that the guy had no arms or legs. Apparently he was a military vet who lost his limbs in action in some war.

Still not wanting to be rude or seem politically incorrect, she decided that it's just dinner and it couldn't hurt.

Much to her sur...

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A patient walks into a doctor's office...

...seeking a prescription, and he can't help but notice that the doctor's writing on his clipboard with a rectal thermometer.

Not wanting to be rude, the man speaks up politely, "Uh, doc', not tryna' be impolite, but you're writing with a rectal thermometer."

The doctor pulls up his gl...

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A woman goes to a pet shop.

She's looking for a present for her husband. Unfortunately, she's on a budget, but the clerk has an idea:
"For $ 20, I can give you something very special" and presents here a frog.

"What's so special about it?" the woman asks.

The clerk says: "Well, this frog is very special, becau...

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A man is new to town and heads into a bar on a Monday afternoon.

He’s chatting with the bartender, tips well and seems to have found his new watering hole. At 3 o’clock exactly he orders three shots of whiskey, kicks them back and then leaves the bar to go on about his day.

The next Monday the same thing happens, he comes in and at exactly 3 pm: orders th...

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Young Jimmy got mixed in with a bad crowd and found himself headed to jail. Being his first time, he was a little intimidated by the things he’d heard, so he was looking for some advice.

His uncle was a colorful fellow and a world traveler, and Jimmy figured he probably knew his way out of a dangerous situation better than anyone else he knew. After Jimmy explained his predicament, the uncle said:

“Yeah, I reckon I have some advice. Some years ago I was overseas riding throu...

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The girl at the bar.

When I first met my husband, he told me about a poor girl he met and accidentally embarrassed when he was out drinking one night.

I guess he thought she was cute and asked her to dance, but she refused while all of her friends went off dancing with other guys. He bought her a beer and after ...

I can't believe this happened

I was on the toilet, and shortly after I sat down I heard from the stall next door, "Hi, how are you?". Embarrassed but not wanting to be rude I said "doing fine?" Then I hear them ask "So what are you up to?". ?!?! "Um..." I said "Same as you I'd guess. Just sitting here." Then I'm completely caug...

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So a lonely, used, abused, beaten down woman places a personal ad in the newspaper...

She writes that she desires a man who won't use her for her money, beat her to a bloody pulp and won't walk out on her leaving her an emotional wreck of shambles. She also states that this man ought to satisfy her sexually and fuck her like no other man has.

Well days go by and no one respond...

Two friends have a bet over who knows more people

Two friends, Stephen and James, have an argument over who knows more people.

Stephen says: "Well, that's a freebie - I'm bowling buddies with the mayor and know more than half of the town council, and I went to university with that one girl from that soap opera."
James: "Yeah, but I bet yo...

I haven't spoken to my wife in three weeks

Well, it would be rude to interrupt

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An older man retires, and decides to move to Mexico

because his modest savings will go a lot further there. He tries, but really struggles to learn the language and local customs. Some days he’d sleep until noon and enjoy being retired…but a few days a week he made it a point to wake up early, fry a couple of eggs, and head into town to immerse himse...

A guy walks into a bar with an ostrich...

He sits down at a table and orders a meal for him and his bird. After the meal, and the check was delivered, the waitress noticed the man pulled out his wallet and dumped the exact amount of the bill onto the table plus a generous whole number tip. She was surprised but grateful so didn't mention an...

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Miss Honey is taking her kindergarten class through the alphabet

"So kids," says Miss Honey, "We're going to go through the alphabet today and see what you all remember. To start with, can anyone tell me a word beginning with the letter A?"

Slowly little Timmy's hand goes up...

"Yes Timmy, what word do you have?"

"Arsehole, miss."

"Ti...

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I've never been interrupted while masturbating

I've always had the pleasure of never being interrupted while masturbating. I don't know if it's because I play it safe or the people next to me just don't want to be rude.

An armless man dreams of being a bell ringer

There was once a man with no arms, who dreamed of becoming the bell ringer at the local church. One morning, he was feeling confident, and went to speak to the priest. The priest was flabbergasted at the armless man's request.

"But, sir," the priest said, "I don't mean to be rude, but with ...

Guy with the orange for a head. Who finds this funny?

A guy with an orange for a head walks into a bar and orders drinks for the whole place. Within a half hour he has almost every girl in the place hovering around him and trying to get close to him. He leaves and comes back several times, each time with a different girl.

As the night wears on, ...

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A tourist in Spain...

A wealthy American tourist traveling in Spain goes to a fancy restaurant and requests the most expensive item on the menu. They bring him two large round balls of a very unusual looking meat. He is pleased by the size of the portions, but is wondering what kind of meat it is and asks the waiter. The...

Quasimodo's had it.

Sixty years climbing the steps. Sixty years ringing the bell. He's ready to retire, get a little house in the country for him and the little lady. Puts an ad on Craigslist "Bell ringer wanted. Inquire Quasimodo, Notre Dame."

Next day, there's a knock at the door. Quasi opens it, looks ou...

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A man steps into an elevator...

A man steps into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude.

It's just the two of 'em, so he says "Hi" so as not to be rude.

The big guy looks down and says "I'm 7 feet tall, 350 pounds,
got a 20-inch dick and 3 balls... Turner Brown."

The small guy stares for a moment, th...

Two men sit collecting donations on either side of the walkway leading up to the church...

One wore a giant cross on his chest, the other wore a giant star of David on his chest.

Every day people would look at the guy with the star of David, smile and give an extra donation to the guy with the cross. Every now and then, someone would toss a few cents to the guys with the star of D...

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My friend went to Amsterdam..

My friend is Lebanese.
While walking through the red light district,
he wanders into the first house he sees.
He says, "I'll give you $200,but we have to do it Lebanese style.."
The prostitute refuses and so he leaves.
He walks up to the next house on the block and goes in.
"I'll g...

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A man that was recently fired from his job and divorced decided to move to the mountains.....

He decided to live a secluded and solitary life in the most remote regions of the Appalachian Mountainous he could find. His first year was tougher than he expected especially during the winter months, but he faired well all things considered.

On a warm day during the following spring, he was...

Cold water

A man went to stay with his best friend for a weekend. The first night his friend cooked him hamburgers and as the man was eating them he noticed some stains on the plate.
"Hey, I don't want to be rude or anything, but is this plate clean?"
"Clean as cold water will get it." His friend sai...

An old man wandering around a grocery store.

While wandering around the man is shouting Crisco. An employee finally walks over and ask the man if he needs help finding the Crisco.

Old man "Im not looking for the crisco"

Employee "then why are you calling out for it"

Old man "Im looking for my wife"

Employee "Then ...

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George and Betty get frisky!!

Two old people sitting in the retirement home.
(George and Betty).

They are sitting staring out of the large bay window, looking out on to the beautiful garden.

Betty: Penny for your thoughts George?

George: ach sorry Betty, I was just thinking about my youth and all the thi...

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Smallest Head in the World

A man walks into a bar and orders a sandwich and a beer. As he's waiting, he looks over and sees a guy with the smallest head that he's ever seen. He thinks about asking him what happened but stops when he realizes it would be rude. However, after a few more beers he's loose enough to ask, so he wal...

The old lady and the bus driver

There was an old lady that rode the same bus everyday. One day she gets on the bus and says to the driver,

"Hello dear, would you like some of my peanuts?"

The driver, not wanting to be rude, happily accepts, so she gives him a handful of peanuts.
The next day the old lady gets on ...

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Toilet Cubicle

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you...

Offside rule for women

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses.

I...

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A man finally get out of jail...

...after spending 28 years on the inside for multiple felonies. And just like any other male that hasn't touched a woman after 28 years, he wanted to get some ass. Unfortunately this guy had gotten taken to jail with only $40, so that is what he had when he was released.
Without wasting anytim...

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My wife and I were watching some Show jumping.

She looked at one of the horses and cackled, "Look at the cock on that thing!"

I said, "Don't be rude, he's probably a nice guy."

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A Panda walks into a bar

where a man and a woman had already been sharing drinks. They whip their heads around and exclaim, "A panda! Bartender, there's a panda in here!" Not wanting to be rude, the bartender invites the panda to have a seat at the bar. The panda, to the disbelief of those watching, orders a beer and some w...

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A Priest and the Pope

A priest is in the vatican bathroom taking a piss at the urinals when the Pope walks in and stands next to him. The bishop just happens to look down and notice that the Pope is wearing what looks like a nicotine patch on his penis. He say to the Pope "I don't mean to be rude your holiness but I beli...

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Once an adventurer came across a tribe of men

They welcomed him, fed him and invited him to stay for the night.

Being inquisitive he wondered how the men got along without women. *"Pardon my frankness"* he said, *"how can you live with out women? I imagine it's frustrating to not get any relief"*

They told him they'll show him in ...

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A Muslim man dies and finds himself at the gates of Heaven...

The man says to St. Peter, "I'm here to see Mohammed."

"He's higher up," says St. Peter.

Good, thinks the man, Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter. So he goes higher up and sees Jesus. "I'm looking for Mohammed," says the man.

"Higher up," says Jesus.

The man is get...

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Two guys and a genie story

Two guys are sitting in a bar just talking. One guy notices a guy across the bar with a little, tiny head. He points it out and the two guys start laughing about it, when they notice the guy starts walking toward them.

One guy says "Oh shit, he's coming over here".

The tiny head guy ...

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