UPJOKE

Bar Drinking Jokes

Two old guys are at a bar drinking a scotch on the rocks

First Guy: looking at his ice cubes, " these ice cubes have holes in them, when did they invent this stuff?"

Second guy: "Must be a long time ago, I have been married to one for forty years."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy was in a bar drinking beer. He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, keep it inside, order another beer, take out his wallet, and look at a picture of his wife.

He did this several times.

Finally, the bartender asks, "After you finish a beer, why do you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife?"

The guy says, “As soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.”

Jim and Joe are sitting at a bar drinking and jim asks where is John? Joe says John is missing . What happened asks Jim . Well joe says

John forgot his wedding anniversary again. His wife flew into a fit of rage, walked out to the driveway pointed to the ground and said., I want a present that goes from 0 to 200 really fast and I want it here by tomorrow morning.
Fine says Jim but that doesn't explain where John is.
Well cont...

Two depressed men are sitting at a bar drinking whisky

Suddenly one of them remarks: "Have you noticed the new ice cubes? They have a hole in the middle!"

"They're not new", the other one replies. "I have been married to one for 20 years!"

A guy is sitting in a bar drinking.

After some couple of drinks he tries to stand up and he falls.
He crawls to the door of the bar and tries  to stand up and he falls again,
he crawls until he reaches the door in his house and he tries to stand but then for the third time he falls again.
He then decides to knock on the...

Was sitting at a bar drinking a margarita when...

a waitress yelled "Does anyone know CPR?" I yelled back "I know the whole alphabet!" And we just laughed and laughed and laughed.....well except for one guy.

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A man is at the bar drinking.

He's had a few to many and pukes on himself,he turns to his friend and says,


"my wife is going to kill me, she bought this shirt for me"


His friend says, "don't worry just put 10 bucks in your shirt pocket and tell her some drunk guy puked on you and he gave you 10 bucks becaus...

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NSFW Two men & a women are sitting in a bar drinking Manhattans..

After awhile their conversation turns to their respective professions.

First guy says: "Well I'm a YUPPIE. You know: Young Urban Professional.

Second guy say: Yeah? I'm whats known as a DINK.
You know: Double Income, No Kids.

Then the woman says: Oh really you guys? Well I'l...

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A man is in a bar drinking

He gets so drunk that he pukes all over his shirt. He tells the barkeep in his drunken stupor, "I'm in trouble now man, if my wife finds out i got so drunk that i puked on my shirt, she'll kill me!" The barkeep says, "don't worry man, here's what you do, you take a $10 dollar bill and put it in your...

Two dogs are sitting at a bar drinking beer...

One dog looks around and says "you notice we're the only ones here with collars on?"

The other dog says "Dammit, we're at a Stray Bar!"

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Three men are at a bar drinking

The first man says “I bet you two I can jump off a building and land without a scratch on me!”

The second man says “You’re on!”

The three men leave the bar and climb to the top of a tall building. The first man says “watch this!” And jumps off the building.

A few minutes later h...

Two men are sitting in a bar drinking.

The first man notices two old men across the bar. He points at them and says to his friend, “That’s us in about ten years.”



His friend looks up, laughs, puts his head back down, and says, “That’s us now, because that’s a mirror.”







This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was sitting at a bar drinking and had his pet alligator with him

He was tired of spending his own money on his expensive liquor so he stood up and announced to the patrons “I bet all you a round of drinks that I can put my dick and balls in this gators mouth for one minute with it’s mouth closed and I won’t have a scratch on me when I’m done”

After some di...

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