UPJOKE

Bad News Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer.

Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it.

While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.

When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. W...

Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?

Man: Good news first please, doc!

Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you

If you think Friday is a sad day, I’ve got some bad news for you.

Tomorrow is Sadder Day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news. "You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live" he is told.

The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.

The doctor pauses a moment ...

Bad news: a message in German sent 110 years ago by homing pigeon was just found.

Worse news: it was an acceptance letter to art school.

The bad news is, I dropped my cactus today

The worse news is that I caught it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bad news

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
'You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remov...

As the patient recovers from laser eye surgery, the surgeon comes in asks if they want the good news or the bad news first......

The patient excitedly replies, “I’ll take the good news first.”

The surgeon tells them, “Well, you’re about to get a new dog!”

Bad news

George had responded to a call from his lawyer, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into his office.

"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.

"Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news fi...

Doctor: “Sir, I have some bad news, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”

Me: “and?”

Good news, bad news

Doctor: I've got some good news and some bad news. What would you rather hear first?

Patient: Gee, I don't know...gimme the good news first I guess.

Doctor: The operation was 100% successful

Patient: That's great news! So what's the bad news?!

Doctor: We amputated the wr...

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, “Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”
The attorney said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right.”
Saul repli...

A doctor says, "I have bad news, and very bad news." "What's the bad news?" Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news?"

I should have told you yesterday.

some goods news and some bad news.

a patient went into the doctor's office for his physical. when the patient asked how his health was, the doctor replied "well, i have some good news and some bad news". ever the optimist, the patient said "give me the good news first". the doctor smiled and said "well, the good news is that you are ...

A man says to the doctor: 'What's the good news?' 'You've got 24 hours to live. He says: 'What's the bad news?

The doctor says: 'We should have told you yesterday.'

Good news and Bad News

Doctor: So, I have good news, and bad news.

Patient: Alright, I want the good news first.

Doctor: Okay. You have 24 hours to live.

Patient: WHAT?! What can be worse than that?!

Doctor: I've been trying to contact you since yesterday

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good News/ Bad News

A man walks into his doctor's office. The doc says "Have a seat." The man sits down and the doctor says " Well, I have good news and bad news. Which one would you like first?"
The man thinks for a second and says "I guess ill take the bad news first. Let's just get it over with."
The doctor re...

Two Irish men came down to give Mrs. O'Mally some bad news.

"We have some terrible news about your beloved husband, he fell into a vat of beer and drowned."
"Oh my poor Patrick" she moaned "At least he died a sudden death and didn't suffer."
"Well I don't know about that Mrs. O'Mally, he got out three times to go pee."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is in a car accident and when he wakes up in hospital his wife is at his bedside while the doctor gives him some bad news.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news" says the doctor, "you're fine except for one thing, your penis was badly injured and we had to amputate it.. however, the good news is your insurance has paid out £6,000 for this injury and we have the technology to give you a fully functional prosthetic penis, now,...

One day, the pope's assistant comes up to him with good news and bad news

The Pope asks him what's the good news first.

"We have Jesus Christ himself on the phone"

and then the Pope thinks to himself, well how could there be bad news? Jesus is calling him! Naturally curious, he asks for the bad news.

"He's calling from Mecca."

A man goes to his doctor and, after many tests, the doctor delivers the bad news.

Doctor: I'm sorry to tell you, but it's terminal.
Man: How long do I have left?
Doctor: Five
Man: Five what? Years? Months?.... WEEKS??!
Doctor: Four... three...

Good news + Bad news + Good news + Bad news

A woman was nervously waiting at the airport for her husband to return from his skydiving lesson. The pilot approached her: "I'm sorry, but there's been an accident. I have some bad news, some good news, some more bad news, and some more good news.

The bad news is your husband fell out of the...

Doctor: "I have bad news, you are going to die."

Me: OMG. How long do I have?

Dr: 10

Me: Ten what? Years, months, weeks, days?

Dr: 9

A guy isn't feeling well, and goes to the doctor. The doctor says, "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?"

The guy says, "I guess I'll get the good news first."

The doctor replies, "You're going to get something named after you."

Wife: "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Husband: "The good news."

Wife: "The good news is that your car's airbag worked perfectly."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joke #3481 A man receives the bad news that he's going to die in the morning

Through an unfortunate miracle of medical science, a man receives the worst news possible from his doctor.

"I'm sorry, but tomorrow morning at precisely 7:23, you're going to have a brain clot that will kill you."

The man is stunned. "But I don't even feel sick!"

The doctor exp...

Good news bad news

Doctor: I’ve got good news and bad news, what would you like first?

Patient: Uuummm I’ll take the bad news first, just to get it out of the way.

Doctor: you have Dimentia, and it seems to have progressed pretty quickly.

Patient: Okay now give me the bad news, just to get it out ...

Took my cat to the vet. After a 20 minute check up, I got the bad news.

It's curiosity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The doctor said "I have good news and bad news..."

The good news is that your dick grew 3 inches.
The bad new is it's malignant

Bad news. I got fired from my job at the bank today.

I mean, it was an easy mistake... An elderly woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Dr: “I’m afraid I have bad news and worse news”

Dr: “I’m afraid I have bad news and worse news”
Pt: “Give me the worse news first”
Dr: “You have cancer”
Pt: “Oh no! What’s the bad news?”
Dr: “You also have Alzheimer’s”
Pt: “Well, at least I don’t have cancer”

While on vacation, the warden of a supermax prison gets a phone call from the subordinate he left in charge, who has good news and bad news.

*"The good news is one of the serial killers we had serving multiple life sentences escaped."*

"How is *that* good news??"

*"Well after breaking out he stole a car and led police on a high-speed chase that ended when he wrapped the car around a tree at 120 miles an hour. He was killed ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doc : I have some bad news and some good news.

Doc : I have some bad news and some good news.

Me : Okay, give me the bad news.

Doc: Well it’s all how you regard something like this, but you show very definite signs of homosexuality.

Me: Oh, come on. What in the world is the good news?

Doc: The good news is I think...

"Son, I have some good news and some bad news."

"OK..." he hesitated.

"Well, the good news is...I got you a replacement hamster." I said.

"A...replacement..?" he stopped, as a tear ran down his cheek.

"Yes, and that leads me to the bad news," I added, "You are adopted."

Doctor: “I’ve got very bad news - you’ve got cancer and Alzheimer’s.”

Patient: “Well, at least I don’t have cancer.”

The bad news is, one of the earliest signs of cognitive impairment is the inability to finish sentences.

The good news Is

After the iceberg collision, the captain of the Titanic gathers the crew and tells them "I have bad news and good news."

"The bad news is that our ship has began to sink.

The good news is that we shall win eleven Academy Awards."

I got some bad news from a fortune teller today.

"Six dollars," she said, "and please, it's bank teller."

Did you hear the bad news about r/eunuchs?

They're losing members every day.

Why do people tell you to sit down for bad news

Because you might not be able to stand it

I got bad news from my Doctor

He told me I have 6 months to live and should give up wine, women and weed.

I asked if that would make me live longer.

He said no, but it will seem like it.

A patient is in hospital and the doctor tells him 'we've had your test results back and I've bad news and very bad news' the patient replies 'Oh no, best tell me please?'

'The bad news is you have about 24 hours to live' says the Doctor 'The very bad news is I was supposed to tell you yesterday'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?"

"Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."

Bad news. I broke up with Lorraine. She found out I was seeing Clair Lee

The good news is I can see Clair Lee now Lorraine has gone.



EDIT : I've never heard this but I'm getting tanked for it by my friends

But I can see all obstacles in my way.
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind.
It's gonna be a bright (bright)
Bright (bright) suns...

Doctor- “I’ve got good news and bad news...

“Take one of these pills every day for the rest of your life and all your symptoms will disappear.”

Man- “That’s great! But I see there are only three pills in this bottle.”

Doctor- “Yeah, well... I was getting to the bad news.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good news bad news

Guy goes in to see his doctor and the doctor says “I’ve got good news and bad news. “
Guy says” well gimme the bad news first”
Doc says “You’ve only got three months to live. “
Guy says “wow! How could there be any good news after that. “
Doc says “Well you see that young pretty nurse in...

Bad news in the stock market today

Northern Tissue touched a new bottom, and thousands of investors were wiped clean.

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client....

First the bad news:

The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."

Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is down to 140."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The bad news is that I slipped and fell while getting out of the shower and I landed on my glasses. The glasses went up my butt.

The good news?

Hindsight is 20-20

A doctor tells his patient "I have good news and bad news"...

"Ok, tell me the bad news first" says the patient.

"Well, you have incurable cancer" the doctor says.

"Oh my god, what could be the good news?"

"Well, you won't have it for very long"

Doctor: I have two bits of bad news for you..

- What are they?
- First, your tests show that you are suffering from Alzheimers
- Ouch! What's the other?
- The tests also show that you've got prostate cancer.
- Well at least I don't have Alzheimers.

Good News, Bad News

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

If you’re over the age of 40 and prone to frequent trips to the bathroom, I’ve got bad news…

Urine trouble

When my wife came home from work, I said, "Sit down, I've got some bad news. The cat's torn your budgie to pieces."

She replied with tears in her eyes, "We don't have a cat." I said, "I know, I had to borrow one."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Doctor comes to a patient with some bad news

Doctor: Your test results have returned and I'm afraid I have some bad news to tell-

Patient: I'm sick of you know-it-all doctors with your tests and treatments and drugs and diseases. I'm a proud practitioner of homeopathy, an astrologist, and an expert in horoscopes. Speak to me properly!...

Doctor: I have bad news for you. You’ll have to take one of these pills for the rest of your life.

Patient: But... Doctor... you had given me only three pills!?

Doctor: I told you it was bad news.

.

.

.

.











*Edit: I can’t correct the title but it should say “... take one of these pills **each day** for the rest o...

Two best friends meet. "I have two bad news" says one to the other...

"OK, combine them."

"Your wife is cheating on us."

Old man gets bad news from his doctor, he has only months to live

The old man is beloved in his community and everyone is sad. He calls his family in and tells them "for my last wish I want a license to practice law. I don't care how much you have to spend or who you have to bribe but I can not die happy unless I have that license. "

They are very puzzled b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

Doctor: Well sir, I have some bad news... You have a very rare disease.

Parient: How rare is it?

Doctor: You get to pick a name.

Bad news: The lovely architect down my street has passed away.

Good news: His coffin looks super cool.

BAD NEWS

President Trump awakens one Winter morning to discover someone has peed “Impeach Trump” in the snow. He calls the Secret Service to investigate.

When they return, they tell the President that they have bad news and even worse news. The bad news is that it’s Vice President Pence’s urine. This ...

The Bad News is that I suffer chronic insomnia

...but the Good News - just two more sleeps 'til Christmas.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After the surgery, the plastic surgeon said to his male patient "I have good news and bad news."

The patient said "Tell me the bad news first." The doctor replied "I'm sorry, but we couldn't make your penis larger."

The patient then said "What's the good news?"

The doctor said "We were able to make your hands really small."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vladimir Putin was being briefed by one of his top generals.

"I've good news and bad news for you this morning, sir."

"Let's hear the good news," the president replied.

"Intelligence reports indicate that the latest additions to the Ukranian arsenal are damaged and outdated, and many won't pose any threat to us at all."

"That's excellent!...

A man goes in to his doctor's for an exam and the doctor says, "Well, I have good news and bad news."

The man says, "Give me the bad news first, Doc." The doctor says, "You've got a rare form of cancer. It's incurable and you have three weeks to live." "Oh my God!" says the patient. "After that, I'm glad there's good news. What is it?" The doctor smiles and points and says, "Do you see that good loo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Guinness brewery worker travels to the home of his co-worker with bad news.

'I'm sorry Mary, but Keith died at the brewery today'.

'Oh my god!' replied Mary, 'What happened?!'

'He drown in a vat of Guinness Stout' said the worker, sadly.

'That's terrible! Was it a quick death at least?' asked Mary.

'I'm afraid not,' the worker replied, 'He got ou...

Guy: I have bad news...

Girl: Me too...Mike cheated on me...

Guy: I have good news!

Girl: huh?

Guy: I accidentally hit him on my way to work today

Moses reaches the bottom of Mt. Sinai, gathers the people together, and says, "Alright everyone, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that I got him down to 10."

"The bad news is adultery stays."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bad news from

the doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order." The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
"Well, daughter, we women celebrate whe...

Bro, I got good news and bad news

Just gimme the good news bro.
The air bags in your car worked perfectly.

A journalist friend of mine asked if I wanted to hear the good news or bad news first

Being a pessimist, I chose the bad news.

She said, "Alright, Breitbart and Fox News it is then..."







^(Wasn't sure if anyone's done this joke before but couldn't find anything like it in search function; please don't yell at me if it is a repost)

Asked my eye doctor if he had my test results. He said there’s good news & bad news.

He said, “The good news is we’ve discovered why you’ve been so lethargic & slovenly lately…The bad news is we’ve discovered your lazy eye has spread to the rest of your body.”

Mother Superior gathers all 100 nuns in the chapel.

"I'm afraid we have some bad news," the Mother Superior says. "It appears one of you has been sneaking out and sinning behind the chapel walls."

99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.

"We know this because we found a used condom just outside the gates."

99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.
...

Bad news. Just found out that I’ve failed my English exam

That's the 3th time now...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there...

Good news / Bad news type thing...

Good news: My test came back negative.

Bad news: It was an IQ test.

Guys, bad news... I have been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

Docs call it feefiphobia.

A hospital surgeon told his patient : "I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want to hear first?"

The patient said, "Give me the bad news." The doctor said, " We are going to have to amputate both of your feet." The patient said, "Oh, that's terrible! What's the good news? The doctor said, "The patient in next bed wants to buy your slippers."

Doctor: i have some good news and some bad news after your surgery.

Patient: give me the bad news first.
Doctor: we f&$&d up and amputated the wrong leg
Patient: my god! wtf can’t be real! Give me the good news then
Doctor: the leg that needed to be amputated is getting better now and we don’t need to amputate it anymore.

More bad news - there's a new avian flu

Called Cherpes

It's a canarial disease

It's untweetable

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tiger, I've got some good news and bad news.

"Ok Doc. Give me the bad news first."
"We had to implant metal rods in your legs which could impact your play."
"That's Terrible! I'm Finished! I'll never be able to compete again! What's the GOOD news!"
"You balls are 3 inches from the pin."

Bad news...

Doctor says, "Your test results have come back, and it's not good."

Patient says, "Give it to me straight, doc. How much time do I have left?"

Doctor says, "Ten."

Patient says, "Ten what? Months? Weeks?"

Doctor says, "...Nine..."

"John, bad news. Your mother-in-law died."

John is told that his mother-in-law has died. He removes the cross with Jesus from the wall and begins to take Jesus off the cross with a screwdriver. Family asks him: "What the hell are you doing?" John say: "Jesus set me free, and I'll set him free!"

Jim and Edna are both mental patients. One day Jim jumps into the swimming pool but, doesn't come up for air. Quick as a flash, Edna sees her friend in trouble, so dives in and pulls him out.

Later, the hospital director calls Edna into his office and sayes "Edna, Ive got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, we are releasing you as you are obviously sane 'saving anothers life'. But unfortunately, the bad news is that Jim hanged himself in the bathroom ..."
"Oh no' Edna ...

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper...

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump Sucks” in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hang...

The doctor told him some bad news.

A few years ago a friend of mine tried to commit suicide, he had gone to the doctor for test results and found out he was dyslexic he was so upset he went outside and jumped behind a bus.

A lieutenant gets some bad news for a recruit.

He takes the drill sergeant aside and asks him to convey to Private Smith that his grandma passed away 2 days ago but to break the news gently.

The drill sergeant gets the recruits in formation and says “If both of your grandmothers are still alive, step forward! As some of the recruits begin...

A doctor tells his patient, "I have bad news and I have really bad news."

The patient says "Give me the really bad news first."

The doc responds, "Unfortunately, you have stage 4 cancer, and you'll be dead within a month."

The patient shakes his head, trying to take it all in. "Ok..." he says, "what's the bad news?"

"The bad news," the doctor continu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Creator looked upon Adam and spoke. "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that I'm going give you a brain and a penis." "And the bad news?" Adam asked.

I'm going to give you enough blood," God
declared, "to use only one of them at a time."

The other day my friend messaged by saying “bro I have two pieces of bad news for you.” I told him to combine them.

He replied with “your girlfriend is cheating on both of us.”

bad news, i had to put my daughter down today...

good news; she’s still napping.

Harry went to his doctor on Thursday to review his test results. The Doctor told him that he has both good news and bad news.

"Good news is you have 48 hours to live," he said to Harry.

"Bad news is I should have told you on Tuesday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bad news for dyslexics on the 28th October

Your cocks go black

Doctor: “I have some bad news and some good news.”

Me: “What’s the bad news doc?”

Doctor: “I have to amputate your left foot.”

Me: “What’s the good news?”

Doctor: “You are going to start the new year on the right foot.”

Doctor: I have some bad news

Me: lay it on me gently

Doctor: knock knock

Me: who's there?

Doctor: herpes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well. Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately. .

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed me. Now will you do things my way or do I need to see the ma...

A man has his mother-in-law move in with him when she lost her job.

About a week later, he returns home from his job and finds her laying on the floor, unconscious. He calls 911, the ambulance comes and takes her off to the hospital.

He calls his wife and tells her she may have to cut her business trip short, but he'll keep her posted.

He gets to the ...

Good News Bad News

Bob was in a terrible motorcycle accident and his legs weren’t in great shape, to say the least. After a couple of weeks of therapy, it soon became clear to the Doctor that they were just pushing off the inevitable. Due however, to Bob’s frail condition, the Doctor was afraid to give him the bad new...

Dr: "I have some good news and some bad news Spiderman. The good news is that the constant tingling sensation isn't your Spidey sense warning you of some huge, impending calamity!"

"What's the bad news Doc?"

"Well son, what do you know about genital herpes?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.

The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cancer!

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicin...

Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult i...

Someone stole my calendar. Bad news for them...

They have to attend my mother-in-law's party next weekend.

I have bad news and good news. My obese parrot died yesterday. However, there is some good news.

It’s a lot of weight off my shoulders.

Guy goes to the doctor, the doctor says: I have a bad news and a good news.

P: what is the bad news?

D: because of your condition you’ll have to live on a very strict diet. No chocolate or sweets, no fried stuff, no coffee, no meat, no bread, no milk and no milk products in general. You can eat only green vegetables. And you’ll have have to keep this diet for the res...

I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.

Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: No way. Whats the good news?

Doctor: The good news is the ...

At least my massive stroke wasn’t all bad news.

My poker playing has improved by about 50%.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy's wife faints one day, so he takes her to the hospital. After a full day of tests on the wife, the doctor approaches the husband wearing a grave expression. He says: "I'm afraid I have some bad news. We know that it's either AIDS or Alzheimer's."

The husband breaks down, and says "Oh my god, what do I do? What do I do?"

The doctor replies: "This is exactly what you need to do: Drive her home with you now, but drop her a couple of blocks from the house. If she finds her way home *don't fuck her*."

More bad news for parents

Apparently some kids never leave home

Doctor to patient: I've got bad news & worse news...

Patient: Give me the bad first.

Dr: Ok. Your diagnosis told us you only have 48 hours to live.

P: Oh god! What could be worse news than that?

Dr: I've been trying to reach you since early yesterday morning.

Mike Pence walked in to the Oval Office earlier with some bad news for President Trump.

"Mr. President, unfortunately 3 Brazilian tourists in New York have been diagnosed with coronavirus."


"That's terrible!", exclaimed Trump. "What are we going to do?!"


"Wait...how many is a Brazilian again?"

My friend told me that he had a good news and a bad news.

I said “Just tell me the good news”

“Your car’s airbag works perfectly.”

A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for £250.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe’s house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’

Joe replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve spen...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.