Smoking will kill you ...

Bacon will kill you...

But, smoking bacon will cure it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've been told that my dick tastes like bacon...

But for me, the real story there is that my dog can talk.

Two hunters lost in the woods

They had been lost for a long time and were both starving. While walking, one of the hunters notices a tree that has thin slices of meat hanging from it. He yells to the other and points towards the tree: "Look, we're saved!!! There's a BACON TREE!!!". He starts running for the tree when all of a su...

What's bacon's favorite movie?

Grease

How many vegans does it take to eat a cheese and bacon burger?

One as long as noone is watching.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pedro and Juan are stranded in the desert... (My favourite joke, [LONG])

After a day of walking, staggering, then crawling, they are thirsty, starving, and near death. They are about to give up when Juan exclaims,

“Pedro, look! At thee bottom of the dune... it’s an Oasis!”

Pedro struggles to bring his head up to look. “Juan... I think so my friend. I think...

Beware the Bacon Tree.

Two men wanted to be the first ones to cross a large desert near their home town. Everyone who has ever tried had either returned exhausted and near death, or hadn't returned at all. Because of this, the men knew that they needed to seek guidance. They had heard of a shaman who would give advice to ...

They say each strip of bacon you eat takes one second off your life...

I did the math, I should have died in 1774.

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the pan?

You take away its broom.

My coworker is in the hospital after eating a giant bacon cheeseburger.

It was mine.

I just found out 7 people per 1 million born are named Bacon

Pork Kids

Bacon tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure sme...

My parents didn't like the fact that I was bringing home the bacon.

Especially when our pigs kept mysteriously disappearing.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman checking out at the register of the grocery store puts bacon, milk, frozen peas, butter, and a can of soup on the conveyor belt. The man behind her in line see all this and says: “You must be single.” “Why, yes, I am, how did you know?” she asks.

“Cause you’re the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen in my entire life,” he says.

An egg, a bacon, and a coffee walk into a bar...

The bacon asks the bartender “I’d like three beers for me and my friends” the bartender replies “no way man, we don’t serve breakfast here”

TIL: There is a proven way to stop your bacon from curling in your frying pan.

Take away their little brooms and rocks.

What tree does bacon grow on?

Porcupine

What’s green and smells like bacon

Kermit the frogs fingers

PIG: "I'm paranoid everyone's trying to turn me into bacon"

PSYCHIATRIST: "I'll cure you"

PIG: "Oh God, not you too"

What do you call a Peppa Pig jigsaw puzzle?

Bacon.

What's the difference between a Jewish man's wife and a pound of bacon?

Jewish men don't eat bacon.

Bacon and Egg lead very interesting lives

Egg went to college but Bacon Strips

Kevin Bacon once had a friend named Johnny Eggs

They were known as Kevin and Johnny.

Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?

Because they're in-bred!

TIFU by cooking bacon naked

It quickly turned into frying sausage.

When is was a kid, mum used to send me the shops wtih 50p. i could come home with a chicken, 2 pints of milk, 6 eggs, 2 packs of bacon and a comic book...

You can't do this nowadays though because of CCTV.

Why is it called Canadian bacon?

Because they're really sorry it's not real bacon.

What did yogurt say to bacon?

You uncultured swine.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After extensive research, I've found out that bacon can cure erectile dysfunction.

In other words, I fucked a pig

Bacon slicer.

Man walks into a butchers and says what's happened to your apprentice butcher?

Had to sack him for putting his nob in the bacon slicer, replied the butcher.

Oh what have you done with the bacon slicer? Asks the man

I've sacked her too, said the butcher.

Bacon Tree...

There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.

As they get closer, they can see that the tr...

I always thought LGBT means Lettuce Ginger Bacon and Tomato...

Until my smart friend told me that G stands for Guacamole

Bacon has a special place within my heart.

I call it cholesterol.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane.

After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”

The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”

The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”

“Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptatio...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bacon slicer

Saw my local butcher very flustered yesterday. I asked, "what's the matter?" he replied "I've had to sack Johnny! He kept putting his dick in the bacon slicer!" "what about the bacon slicer?" I asked
"I sacked her as well!"

Women are like bacon.

They look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they slowly kill you.

A pancake, a piece of toast, and a piece of bacon walk into a bar

They sit down and ask the bartender for a round of beers. The bartender looks at them and says "Get the hell out of my bar, we don't serve breakfast here."

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar

Bacon and eggs walks into a bar and they order some beers. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here."

A beer walks into a breakfast place and orders bacon and eggs. The server says, "Sorry we don't serve alcoholic drinks here"

A bartender runs into bacon and eggs and o...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Tale of the Bacon Tree

Two guys are lost in the desert, wandering in the hot sun, starving and dying of thirst. They're about to lie down and give up when all of a sudden one of them says, "H..H...Hey...do you smell bacon?"

The other one says, "Yeah...I do smell bacon. What is that?"

So the two gather their ...

It's a Bacon tree

An general and his army are on the way to a battle 3 counties over and are looking for a place to rest. A foreigner standing on top of the hill stops the general and points down the hill.

"No go there. It's Bacon Tree"

The general and his men look at each other look at the foreigner a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Behold the bacon tree...

Three young solders are huddled behind a rock prepping to go and face the onslaught of fire ringing around them, when suddenly the world plunges into silence that not even the birds disturb. It's almost peaceful for a moment, if it weren't for the threat just beyond thier protective boulder.
The ...

When pigs fly, the price of bacon will rise.

And so will the pigs.

Asked my dad what LGBT stands for

He started with "Lettuce? Bacon. Tomato. What's the 'g' for?"
Obviously I had to reply with "Garnish".

[True story. My dad is not an idiot either, totally normal human.]

Anyone ever try Canadian Bacon?

I hear it's the nicest bacon around.

The Bacon Tree

As a contingent of colonial French and English soldiers ventured through a dense jungle, the English general got uneasy and sent forth a french scout.
Hours later, the french scout returns to camp, bloodied and bruised. The general knelt over the scout's tattered body, to hear his dying words: <...

Bacon related humor...

I'm way too proud of this:

I like my women like I like my bacon,
Salty and bad for me.

20 years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope, and Johnny Cash.

Now we have no jobs, no hope, and no cash.

Please don't let Kevin Bacon die too.

If you had to choose...

Between eating bacon everyday or being skinny for the rest of your life, would you choose applewood or hickory smoked?

I love bacon.

Everytime I eat it I get a lard-on.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Bacon Tree

Way back in the cowboy days, a wagon train was travelling West and hadn't seen anyone in days. One day, they came across an old Jewish man sitting under a tree, all by himself.
The leader of the wagon went over to the Jew and said "Hey, what are you doing way out here?"
The Jew replied, and to...

So two guys are wandering the desert when they see a bacon tree...

So there's two guys wandering through a desert, searching for water. One guy is a little ahead of the other one and they are walking in a line. After a few hours of wandering, the first guy sees a dark shape on the horizon. He points it out and says, "Dude, I think I see something!" And the first gu...

The World Health Organization has stated that eating bacon increases your chances of getting cancer.

Statistics also show that not eating bacon dramatically increases your chances of blowing yourself up.

What did the slice of bacon say to the tomato?

Lettuce be together now!

The Bacon tree

Two Mexican brothers are lost in the desert.
They're hungry and thirsty, and have been walking for miles on end.
Suddenly, Jose yells at his brother. "Brother! Do you smell that? It smells like bacon!"
He rushes ahead, and sure enough, over the next dune, he sees it. A bacon tree. Glori...

The bacon tree.

Juan and Carlos have been stranded in the desert for 2 days. They are on the verge on dying of thirst when Juan sees something in the distance.

He gets closer to confirm his suspicions - off in the distance is an incredibly juicy bacon tree. "Mira!!" (Look!) "Carlos! Up ahead, it's a bacon t...

In an attempt to appeal to a wider audience, Hollywood remakes footloose for the Muslim and Jewish world

Its basically the same movie, just without Bacon

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A priest and a rabbi are stuck on an elevator.

They strike up a friendly conversation and after a while, the priest asks the rabbi, "Tell me, did you ever, in a moment of weakness, partake in the eating of bacon."

The rabbi said, "Yes. I was staying at a motel where no one knew me and it was on the breakfast buffet."

The priest no...

Mother's Day

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.

But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eat...

What do you call a dinosaur wrapped in bacon?

Jurassic Pork.

A kindergarten teacher asks her students what animals provide us...

She said, "What does a chicken give us?" and the students replied, "Eggs". She then asked, "What does a pig give us?" and the students replied a joyous "Bacon". Finally she asked "What does a cow give us?" and before anyone could answer little Johnny said "Homework".

Joke provided by my ten y...