UPJOKE

At The Gym Jokes

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Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.

She said "Fuck you".

So I'm pretty excited for 2019.

I asked my girlfriend to meet me at the gym

When she did not show up, I knew we weren’t going to workout.

This idiot on the treadmill at the gym.

Just put a water bottle in the Pringles holder.

At the gym

I walked into the gym and see a bunch of ladies working out, I ask the guy who is running the gym, “Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies?” He smiles says “Try the ATM in the lobby”.

Two Canadian body builders were working out at the gym.

After they were done, they sat together in the locker room.

One turned to the other and said, "I'm sore, eh?"

The other said, "What for?"

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I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings.

He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug bastard!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK ...

I don't know why I broke up with my girl at the gym...

I guess we just weren't working out.

I asked my new friend to meet me at the gym, but they never showed up.

I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.

After playing racquetball at the gym, two guys hit the shower and were getting changed...

and the first guy was putting on a bra. The second guy looked surprised and asked "How long have you been wearing a bra?" The first guy answers "Ever since my wife found it under the bed".

I just quit my job at the gym because I wasn't big or strong enough

I've handed in my too weak notice

What is an Emo Girl's favourite exercise at the gym?

Deadhangs.

Favourite machine at the gym.

When l first joined the gym l wanted to lose the excess pounds l was carrying. After a month, l asked the guy next to me what he thought my favourite machine was at the gym. He looked me up and down and said, the vending machine.

The guys at the gym called me a fat loser ...

It's really great how they notice my effort.

Day 1 at the gym and I already lost 3 pounds!

Now it's time to get off the toilet and start my workout.

Chatting at the gym…

While at the gym a good looking woman approached me and asked me, “ have you tried skipping?”
I replied, “like with a rope?” She replied,” no like skipping a meal. “

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A guy changing at the gym...

A guy changing at the gym answers the phone, as he’s getting dressed, naturally he just puts it on speaker, the female voice is heard
“Hey Honey, I’ve just found this beautiful designer coat and it’s on sale for £2,000 do you mind if I get it”
The guy says “well if you love it so much then yea...

I’m like a ninja at the gym

Cause you’ll never see me there

My friend set me up with a blind date at the gym.

She didn't see us working out.

Honestly, I don't mind leg day at the gym

It's just the two days after that I can't stand

At the gym,

I decided to hop on the treadmill.

People gave me weird looks so I started jogging instead..

At the gym

A guy walks into a bar and orders a light beer. "Just one. I'm heading over to the gym soon. The guys are having a big pull ups competition tonight," the guy tells the bartender. "They really know how to pamper themselves."

What does Bigfoot do at the gym?

Sasquats

I've been squatting at the gym.

I sleep in one of the lockers. So far I haven't been busted.

Why do you have to wait while at the gym

because you get buffer

Elton John found a baby rabbit at the gym the other day.

It's a little fit bunny...

There's a police officer at the gym I'm going to

I asked him to stand behind me on the track so I run faster

According to my research, only 12% of people at the gym actually go to work out

The other 88% are there to demand I stop my filming

Two men meet at the gym

Two men meet at the gym to work out, they haven’t been able to since COVID. Afterwards they’re in the locker room changing when one of them looks over and notices his friend putting on women’s underwear. Since when do you wear women’s underwear, he asked? Since my wife found them in the glove compar...

I asked my trainer "Which machine at the gym should I use to impress beautiful women?"

He pointed outside and said "The ATM machine"

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One day at the gym

a mobile laying on the locker room bench rings. A guy walking back from the showers taps the speakerphone button.

"Hello?" he answers, as he turns away to his locker.

"Hi, honey!" the voice chirps. "The realtor called. The seller rejected our offer and countered with double the li...

Had to quit working at the gym because I got too exhausted racking all the weights..

Put in my too-weak notice.

I asked my trainer at the gym if I could start shadow boxing.

He said, “Knock yourself out!”

A guy just proposed at the gym.

She said no.



Guess it didn’t workout.

What does a pirate do before working out at the gym?

Changes in Davy Jones's locker room.

I did 100 crunches at the gym today...

But they threw me out because I was getting crumbs everywhere!

The best way to get a six pack at the gym

is to take the beer from your fridge and smuggle it in.

A hole was found in wall of the women's changing room at the gym

The police say they are looking into it

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A week at the gym

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called ...

My wife said, she left me because I was always at the gym.

But I think she left me because of my weak calves. But calves are só hard to train...

At the gym

ME: Hey, can you spot me?

GUY: Sure, which machine?

ME: * gestures to vending machine *

Right over there.

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Two guys meet at the gym to play handball

They start changing, and one guy notices his friend is wearing a sexy black bra. He says, "When the hell did you start wearing that?"

The other guy says, "Right after my wife found it in my car."

New machine at the gym

There is a new machine at the gym. It's truly awesome! I almost puked after an hour, it really has it all.

Cookies, chocolate bars, chips, sodas.

Why doesn't the bell ring at the gym?

It's a dumb-bell.

At the gym

Me: (sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red)...I can't see you anymore...I am not going to let you hurt me like this again!



Trainer: It was a sit up. You did one sit up.

Schwarznegger is at the gym

Arnie is spottin a dude at the gym. The guy is clearly strugglin, so he tries to motivate him to do just 2 more reps.

For a sec his attention is diverted, and the guy who's lifting lies and says "Did it Arnie, 2 more reps was all i had in me".

Arnie, angry and not one to be fooled says...

I lost 200 pounds at the gym this year.

I forgot to cancel my membership after January.

Three women are changing at the gym when a man wearing nothing but a ski mask enters the changeroom and starts dancing in front of the women.

The first woman looks at the man and says, "I don't know who this guy is, but he isn't my husband!"

The second woman takes a closer look at the man. Then she turns to the first woman and says, "You are right. He isn't your husband."

The third woman takes an even closer look and says, "...

There’s a new machine down at the gym today,

I used it for an hour and felt sick, it’s great though, got everything, KitKats, M&Ms, Snickers, the lot!

There was a new machine at the gym...

After using it for 30 minutes, I felt sick. Maybe I bought too many chocolate bars...

What's my favorite machine at the gym?

The snack machine.

Saw a group of bodybuilding priests at the gym today

Talk about muscle mass

The new machine at the gym is my favourite...

It has snicker, skittles, kit kats and twix

I was at the gym last night

I noticed a hole in my trainer, it was just about big enough to fit my finger in.
Anyway she’s now made a formal complaint and I’m barred for life

Someone died at the gym and i was there to help carry the body

It was the lightest deadlift I've ever done.

Waldo is working out at the gym

He sees another guy there and asks, "hey man, can you spot me?"

The guy says: "Well I'll try my best, but it might take me a while."

Picking up a girl at the gym

You're running like you want me to catch you.

What exercise does Ned Flanders do at the gym?

Diddly squat

My sister came home today and said "they have this great new machine at the gym.."

"it's got Malteasers, Twix, sodas, you name it!!"

What’s the most important muscle at the gym?

The TRY-cep.

Why do you need patience at the gym?

Because there is a lot of weighting.

*sorry. i woke up at 2 am with this in my head.

Why do you never hear Cardi B at the gym?

Cause there it's called cardio

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New year resolution : First day at the gym

As a new year resolution, I, like million others decided to join a gym and hire a trainer. After some warm up, the trainer brought me to the equipment. a vertical row machine. He showed me how to use the machine and suggested that i exercise one arm at a time. Looking at my physique (if i can call t...

Two bros were chatting it up at the gym between sets.

1: hey bro, you won’t believe it.
2: what, bro?
1: someone stole all my protein powder
2: no whey!

There's a new machine at the gym, it does absolutely everything

Soft drinks, potato chips, chocolate cookies and candy

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Two friends at the gym

Two friends meet at the gym and are going to take a shower.

One of them notices that the other is wearing women's panties.

-Panties? what the fuck Tim?

What? It's the latest trend!

-Really? And when did that trend started?

When my wife found a pair in the backseat ...

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Two men are having a shower at the gym...

...until they realize they forgot to bring along some soap. One of the men steps out to go and get two bars of soap for them to use.

On his way back, he ran into three blonde women passing by. Frozen by the embarrassment of him walking around naked, he made like a statue and stood still.
<...

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A black and white guy are training at the gym.

After their training session they hit the changing room and undress.

The white guy can’t help but look at the black guys penis size and remarks, “How did you get it so big?”

He replies, “It’s a muscle so when I go home, I put on a warm bath, get inside and begin to stretch it by tuggi...

What did the christian say to the ladies at the gym?

Hallowed be thy gains

My first workout back at the gym was great.

I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

New machine at the gym.

They installed a new machine at my gym today, I managed to do 2 hours on it.

They do all sorts. Snickers, Kit-kats, Mars bars, you name it...

Two integrals are working out at the gym

One says to the other 'I'm really going to push past my limits today'.

'Are you sure of that?'

'Well, I can't be definite'

Why I love working out at the gym I go to!

There's this hot MILF always walking around checking me out.

I love home gyms.

What do you call Wednesdays at the gym for pirates?

Peg day

I'm very popular at the gym.

Girls always approach saying things like, "Hey, this is the women's locker room."

I ran into my ex at the gym. We ended up talking for so long we didn't even get to our routines for the day. It was just like old times.

We didn't work out.

Two guys are chatting at the gym, and the first guy says to the second "what's that bulge in your pants?"

The second guy replies: "Tennis ball."

The first guy thinks about it for a second and says, "ouch. I had tennis elbow once."

The Mexican instructor at the gym knew a lot about protein supplements.

So one day, I approached him and said,

"Jesus, show me the whey."

Have you noticed how Jesus is always depicted like an athlete who spends all his time at the gym?

At first I thought that he's just working out really hard. Then I heard his street name was "king of the juice".

Yesterday at the gym I was looking at the Height/Body Mass index

Apparently I'm 4 inches too short

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Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.

His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

W...

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George and Ted are showering after a workout when George notices that Ted's penis is about nine inches long.

"You were lucky to be blessed with such a huge penis!" says George.

"I wasn't blessed," replies Ted. "I had to work for it. I did it by masturbating once every day for two years, using butter as a lubricant. I know it sounds crazy, but this thing used to be only five inches long!"

"Tha...

What's the only thing working out at the gym?

The business plan.

How to pick up chicks at the gym

Pasted from Facebook:
A man asks a trainer in the gym: “I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?” Trainer replies: “Use the ATM”

What do you call it when Oxygen and Nitrogen train at the gym together?

Air conditioning

[Long] A body builder was showing off in the mirror at his gym.

Able to lift twice the weight of anyone else around, he routinely boasted about how he was the greatest and everyone else was beneath him while drinking his huge container of protein shake.

One day, after seeing a new extremely attractive woman at the gym, he decided to show off some more by...

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[NSFW] a white guy is showering at the gym alone when in comes the biggest and most muscle bound black guy he has ever seen walks in...

The black man whips off his towel and reveals the largest member on a dude the white guy has ever seen. He can’t stop staring and it makes the black man uncomfortable after a few minutes

“You got a problem?” the muscles dude says

“I have to be honest” starts the white guy, “that thing...

You know the best part about being the only person at the gym that uses a speed bag?

There’s no punchline

As a girl who lifts weights at the gym...

I experience a lot of flexual tension

Been lifting weights without much results. Saw a super ripped trainer at the gym and asked him how he got so jacked . . .

He paused and then said 'Let me show you the whey'.

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A heavy set guy was showering at the gym when a gym rat hollered 'Hey man, how long since you seen your dick'? hahaha. 'Why dont you diet'?

Replying...'why, what color is it now'?

Why should you try to date girls you meet at the gym?

Because you already know she'll work out.

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I asked a guy at the gym how to use a piece of equipment.

"Just push the button," he replied, "Like you would with any other hand dryer."

Saw a new machine at the gym, but could only use it for 20mins before it made me sick

It was great... it had M&M's, Skittles, you name it!

How do you know your friend has been at the gym?

Don't worry, he'll tell you.

The personal trainer at the gym advised me to try some resistance training. So far it's going really well.

I've resisted going to the gym for six days now.

I finally found a machine at the gym that lets older guys date younger women who come to work out!

They just installed an ATM in the lobby.

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A white man and a black man are using the showers at a local gym...

The white guy says to the black guy “hey I wish my dick looked like that. What’s your secret?” The black guy decides he’s gonna take this opportunity to mess with him and says “all you gotta do is tie a rock to it and hang it off the side of your bed at night”. The white guy thanks him and goes home...

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