UPJOKE

At Church Jokes

A little girl and her mother are at Church...

when the little girl starts to feel sick. Her mother tells her to go throw up in the bushes behind the church.

When the little girl returns, her mother asks her if she threw up. "Yes," the girl says. "But I didn't have to go all the way around the back. There was a box near the front door tha...

Had to explain what irony was to someone at church.

Apparently, "Being a carpenter and getting nailed to a wooden cross" isn't a good example.

One day at church, a priest delivers a sermon about the importance of forgiving your enemies.

When he is a third of the way through the sermon, he says, "Raise your hand if you are now willing to forgive your enemies." Half of the people in the church raise their hands, so the priest continues the sermon.

When he is two thirds of the way through the sermon, he says, "Raise your hand i...

A joke my pastor told this morning at church

A woman has a heart attack. During this, she dies and meets God.

"Will I die?" she asked.

"No," God replied, "You will live for another 40 years, 2 months, and 8 days."

At this instant, she snapped back alive. After the heart attack, she decides to make the most of her life.
...

At church in Russia they have Communionism.

Jesus broke bread and said "This is my body..." The Russian apostle cuts him off and says "Nyet, it is 'our' body".

A little boy and his mom are at church.

During the long, droning sermon the little boy suddenly starts to feel very queasy. He whispers, "Mom, I think I'm gonna throw up!" She turns to see him looking pale and becomes very anxious, so she whispers, "Quick! Run as fast as you can to the bushes outside the church! If you go now you might ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man screams at his tv: “You fucking idiot don’t walk into that church!!”

His wife comes Into the room and asks him what he’s watching.

The man responds: “Our wedding tape”

Did you know that birds like hawks and falcons can commonly be found at churches?

That's because they're birds of pray.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I masturbated at church last Sunday

It was a real coming to Jesus moment

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is slightly drunk, watching a video, when she yells at the screen, "Don't go into that church you dumb bitch!"

Her husband asks, "What are you watching?"

"Our wedding video"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes into the confessional at church one afternoon...

“Father, I have sinned. I took the Lord’s name in vain, today.”

“My son, that’s a very egregious sin. Perhaps you could tell me the circumstances that led up to this.”

“Well, Father, I was golfing this morning- on the 16th green, two under par, when I chipped off into the rough.”
...

A man falls asleep at church.

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I...

At church one Sunday, a teenager made a contribution to the collection plate by dropping in a coin from his pocket.

As he passed the plate along, someone behind him tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a $20 note. Impressed by the person's generosity, the teenager added the $20 to the collection plate.

But then he received another tap on his shoulder and heard a whisper, "Son, that was your $20. It fe...

A racist man called me a terrorist for having long hair, a long beard, and being Middle Eastern.

Later I saw him at church giving a speech about how everyone needs a Middle Eastern guy with long hair and a beard in their lives.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Parrot at Church

There is a small church in a small community here in my hometown. It is full of all sorts of people. This one lady brought a parrot to church. This was not an ordinary parrot. The parrot was foul mouthed and swore a lot. One day, the preacher told the lady, “Ma’am, I am going to have to ask you to s...

I hate it when people at church always tell me Jesus Christ will return soon…

Like dude, calm down, he was nailed to a cross, not a boomerang!

At church, last sunday

…, the preacher said "Jesus died for your sins". At that point, a man got up, furious and shouted "Seriously, man? I was reading that book!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old ladies are sitting at church ...

One of the ladies leaned over and whispered "the sermon is so long my butt fell asleep". Her friend whispered back "I know, I heard it snoring."

Did you hear about the priest who went mad and poisoned the wine at church?

He was tried for mass murder

“Jesus loves you” is a beautiful thing to hear at church.

But a horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

I stopped putting money in the collection plate at church.

*Not once* have I gotten my popcorn.

I got into trouble at church the other day

During his sermon, the priest asked, "What does a Bishop do?"

"Moves diagonally" was not the answer he wanted.

My local news station had a story about a string of killings at churches in Massachusetts.

"Mass mass mass murders." they said.

A Catholic priest announces at church one day, "I will be in Rome next week. If any of you have a wish, I will light a candle in Rome so that the wish will come true."

A woman announces, "My husband and I have been married for several years, but have never borne any children. Can you light a candle so that we can have children?"

"I will do that," says the priest.

Five years later, the woman says to the priest, "Since you went to Rome and lit that can...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Lisa, one of the regulars at church enters the confession booth to confess her sins.

Lisa:"Forgive me father, for I have sinned"

Priest: "Don't worry my child. Tell me what happend."

Lisa: "Two days ago I met a guy"

Priest: "And?"

Lisa: "He was very sweet and such a gentleman..*

Priest: "So?"

Lisa: "Well we kissed and he started to touch me...

My own pastor told me this joke at Church

A man is sleeping peacefully in his comfortable bed.

His mother suddenly yells at him, "GET UP! YOU'LL BE LATE FOR CHURCH!"

He groans. "I don't want to go to church."

Mom: "Why not?"

Man: "I don't like any of the people there. They're such goodie goodies, it's boring."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I also heard a dick joke at church camp

One Sunday morning, there was a girl named Sarah sitting in Sunday school when she fell asleep. The teacher called on Sarah and asked "who in the Bible turned water into wine?" The boy next to Sarah poked her with a pencil and she woke up and shouted "Jesus!" "Very good. Now can you tell me who c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At church, Joe was in charge of taking up the offerings.

One Sunday after the services, the priest counted the cash and found it was smaller than anticipated. So he questioned Joe. He told him that it did not seem enough for the size of the congregation. Joe said that he did not take any of the offering. The priest again questioned him and again he said t...

A Higgs Boson particle showed up at church one day. The priest yelled, “hey we don’t serve your kind here.”

The Higgs Boson particle said, “but you can’t have mass without me.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got told at church last Sunday that I should love my neighbour as I love myself.

He wasn't very happy when I tried to wank him off.

A joke my Priest told at church on Sunday

Three men were on a small plane ready to take a flight over Lake Michigan. One man was the pilot, another man was a young diplomat, the final was a Bishop. On the outside of the plane a young Boy Scout was trying to convince his parents to let him on the plane. Last minute they finally gave in and l...

There are a lot of people at church today.

What, did somebody die?

When I was at Church on Sunday

When I was at Church on Sunday and the Bible's were being handed out, I said to the person handing them out, "Do you have any others? I read this one last week."

I Was Teaching Some 4-Year Olds at Church Today...

I asked them,"What do you need to do to get to heaven?"

One of the kids promptly replied,"Die!"

What did the Skunk say at Church?

Let us spray

Q. What’s the difference between a girl at church and a girl in the bathtub?

A. One has hope in her soul.

A joke told by my priest at church this morning

Three women were discussing their sons, each bragging about his accomplishments. They wanted to show that their son had the most respect from the most people. The first said "My son is a bishop. When people talk to him, they say 'Your Excellency.'" The second woman says "That's nothing. My son is a ...

A kid at church with his parents turned to his mom and said “mom I have to go pee” she looked back and said “we’re in church don’t say pee say whisper”

So the next weekend he looked at his dad and said “dad I need to whisper” and his dad said “do it in my ear”

The preacher arrived at church...

...muttering angrily under his breath.

"Goodness, what's wrong?" asked his secretary when he came into the office.

"It's raining like crazy out there," said the preacher, "and I can't find my umbrella! I had it here at the church last week, and I think one of the congregation must hav...

My mom and I were at church Sunday morning

We left the house in the usual hurry.
We made it to church and I was felling kinda sick.I told my Mom and she says to go out
side the frontdoor and she'd be out to check on me.I was about to spew so I ran towards
the door.A few minutes later I returned to my seat.Mom was surprised to see me...

A man comes home from church with two black eyes.

His wife takes one look at him and exclaims, "how in the world did you get two black eyes at church!?"

"Well" the man answers, "When we stood up to pray, i noticed that the woman in front of me had the back of her dress tucked in to her pantyhoes. I didn't want to embarrass her by telling he...

At church, what three words are foremost in a bride's mind on her wedding day?

"Aisle,altar,hymn.”

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.