UPJOKE

Arrest Me Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Woman talking to a police officer.

Woman: Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?

Police Officer: "Yes"

Woman: Can you arrest me for thinking something.?

Police Officer: "No"

Woman: I think you're a cunt.

Me, to the cop: You can’t arrest me. I have a marathon to run today!

Cop: Stop playing the race card!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

The police said they’d arrest me if I kept telling bad jokes.

I stopped because I was scared I would end up in punitentiary.

A cop tried arrest me for indecent exposure once.

He had to let me go due to lack of evidence.

My girlfriend dressed up as a cop, and told me she would arrest me for being great in bed.

Unfortunately, all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

A couple of policeman tried to arrest me for wearing a pair of humongous bear gloves.

I told them to check the Second Amendment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The cops told me they’d arrest me if I masturbated to any porn star that wasn’t Scottish, but I did it anyway

I got off Scot-free

I can lead a horse to water...

But the police told me if I drown another one they'd arrest me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde prostitute is working the corner with her friends...

... when a prospective client walks up to her.

"H-how much?" the man asks. The blonde whispers the price in his ear, and he quickly agrees.

As they're walking away, her fellow prostitutes call out: "Aren't you forgetting something?"

The man turns back nervously, then feels for h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw two men walking down the street together wearing the same clothing, so I asked them if they were gay.

They did not hesitate to arrest me after I said that

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A border custom officer saw a suspicious truck at the check post.

The officer immediately asked the Truck driver to bring the truck aside for a complete check up.

"Are you smuggling something?" asked the officer to the truck driver. "It would be wise if you told me before we found something."

"Nope," said the truck driver casually. And he was right. ...

Cop pulls over a swerving RV.

Cop: I am going to have to arrest you for driving while intoxicated.
Guy: You can't arrest me I am already home.

A policeman arrests a well dressed man in a suit and tie, walking down the Main Street of the city talking on his cell.

The man has a desk strapped to his back, complete with laptop, printer and filing cabinet. He has a dustbin on his head.

“Hold on councillor, I have a policeman trying to arrest me, and I haven’t got a clue why.” He turns and asks “What are the charges?”

“Impersonating an office, Sir”

What did the smoothie say to the policeman?

Don’t arrest me, I’m Innocent

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got in a shoot out with police for making cheap sexual innuendos.

They tried to arrest me, but I didn't cum quietly.

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