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Around The House Jokes

My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Me: Can we change the subject?

My wife: Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.

My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house...

I told her, "Fear of the CIA".

She laughed, I laughed, the Amazon Echo laughed. I shot the Amazon Echo

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My wife often uses the promise of sex as a way to get little jobs done around the house.

The plumber told me.

I recently got an Eastern European maid to help clean around the house

I gave her the vacuum and she said she’d start right away. When I came back from work, she was still vacuuming, 8 hours later.

She was a Slovac.

whenever my wife starts singing around the house I immediately go into the yard

That way the neighbors know I'm not hitting her

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Little 5-year-old Johnny was running around the house making noise...

When his mother yelled at him, saying: "Can't you find something to do? Like maybe go across the street and watch the construction workers build that new house? "


So, Johnny did. A few hours later, His father had just returned home from work. "Where were you, son?" He
asked.
...

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My buddy, Richard, asked me to help him with "a few things" around the house.

When I arrived, he had an empty truck out the front. He wanted me to help transfer all his furniture to his new house that was over an hour away. I told him it was a Dick move.

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A man had just recently gotten into woodworking. He had made a nice table, some chairs, and a few other things around the house

One day, his wife came up to him and asked if he could try to make her a dildo.

He found the request to be a bit odd, but being the great husband he is, he agreed.

He spent a long time sanding and coating it, because, well… splinters.

After several days of tedious work on this...

I was told not to make fun of my girlfriend for waving smoke around the house for good luck.

It was some sage advice.

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NSFW in an attempt to help me cut down on masturbation, my wife told me I have to do a chore around the house Everytime I masturbate.

Let's just say the neighbors were not amused at me trying to mow the lawn with one hand.

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A wife said to her husband, "You fuck like you fix things around the house."

"Expertly?" he asked.
"No," she responded. "Half done so I have to call the neighbor over to finish the job."

My dog just lazes around the house waiting for his next meal to be delivered.

He's a Door Dash Hound

A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.

His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something.

The boy continues.
"Johnny!" mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something."

He stops and eventually mom leaves for a short trip to the store.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives i...

A blonde is running around the house with a flashlight and a shoe box.

She puts the flashlight on the floor, sneaks in front of the light, puts the box on the floor, then quickly closes the box.

Husband comes home, only to find his giggly wife doing this over and over again: “Honey, what the heck are you doing?”

“She was right, this is fun! Cindy told me...

Two facts about me, 1) When I die I have arranged for my remains to be spread around the Houses of Parliament.

2) I don't want to be cremated.

A blonde was desperate for money...

so she decided to go to the richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs.

At the first house, a man answered the door and told her. 'Yeah, I have a job for you. Could you paint the porch?'

'Sure,' smiled the blonde, 'I'll do it for $100.'

'Great,' the man replied. 'You...

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Two friends, Bob and Sam, are bored are sitting around the house. Bob asks Sam do you want to play a game?

**NOTE: This joke only really works in person and told to a group of people. **

Sam says "Ok, what's the game?"

Bob replies, "I'll blind fold you and put something up your butt and you have to guess what it is."

Sam hesitantly says, "umm ok" and puts a blind fold on and drops h...

My wife left me because she said I kept leaving oxygen tanks around the house.

I thought that they created atmosphere.

Me: I just sit around the house complaining all day.

"So how's that working out for you"

Me: Can't complain

I keep telling my boyfriend I don't want trash lying around the house

So he finally took the hint this morning and moved out.

My kids kept finding all the presents I hid around the house so someone suggested I keep them in the attic.

Now they are crying up there and saying it's too cold and dark.

Women, please don't nag your men about fixing the problems around the house. If we promise to fix them, we'll do so.

You don't have to remind us every two months.

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When my wife and I first got married; we'd do it everywhere around the house...

... the living room, the kitchen, the bathroom, you name it.

Now that we're older though... We just have hallway sex. That's where we pass each other in the hallway and say "Fuck you!".

A man needs help doing chores around the house

So he asks around saying he needs someone to do the dishes. His friend tells him about this dog. "He's amazing! He can do all your dishes no problem." So the man takes the dog home and asks him to do the dishes. The dog does the dishes in no time at all. The man says "wow you're amazing! How good ar...

My son got hold of my autobiography and threw the pages all around the house.

I really need to sort my life out.

My cop husband was trying to put our toddler down for a nap, but she wouldn’t stop running around the house.

He finally picks her up, throws her over his shoulder, and yells “stop resisting a rest!”

A man starts wearing cellophane pants around the house.

At first, his wife doesn't mind, since it's in the privacy of their own home, but pretty soon he starts wearing the cellophane pants outside of the house. She makes him go to a psychiatrist and the guy says "Doc, you've got to help me I can't stop wearing these cellophane pants." And the doctor repl...

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the
porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"


Delighted, the girl quickly responded,
"How about $50?"

...

Sonny, sonny, what's the name of that German that hides our things around the house?

Alzheimer, granny, Alzheimer!

I told my doctor that I was unable to do all the things around the house that I used to do.

The doctor started a long and thorough examination, but found nothing wrong with me. When the examination was completed, I said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me" "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just very lazy." "Okay," I said , "Now give...

In this day and age, keeping a paper thesaurus around the house is as useless as....

Um....as useless.....as.....um.....

If you are fixing things around the house, don't use Gorilla Goo

The gorilla likes it, but the adhesive properties are nil.

I told my girlfriend last week to get her air conditioning fixed and to stop walking around the house naked for all the neighbors to see. I came over today and nothing has changed

Except now she’s got only fans

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So here I am hanging out around the house, not wearing a bra, when my husband comes up from behind and grabs my boobs...

"Just trying to support my wife"....

My seven-year-old said he had looked everywhere around the house for me before tracking me down in the toilet...

I told him it was a process of elimination.

(to think, probably my best ever on-the-spot Dad joke, and I then have to explain it...)

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My wife told me she would have sex with me anytime if I would do some work around the house on that day.

I took her up on her offer and the last 30 days of sex and home improvements I've replaced windows, painted inside and out, put in new flooring and updated the kitchen.

In a few weeks I'll be able to sell this place and move in with my girlfriend.

Dear Audrey Advice.....

My son is a strapping 265lb star linebacker at our local university and a leader in our church youth group. We couldn't be more proud of him! However....I returned from grocery shopping today and found him prancing around the house in one of my dresses. What should I do??!
Sincerely,
Confused ...

A man and his three daughters

There was a father who was very proud of his three daughters. Every night he took a stroll around the house to make sure everything was all right. One night, he could hear laughter coming from his youngest daughter's room. When he reached the window of his second daughter, he could hear her crying. ...

A serbian politician goes to visit a greek politician

Serbian politician looks around greek politician's home amazed. He has a large 5 story house, many pools, a bar with several pool tables, very expensive drinks that date far back, more than 6 sport cars, there's beautiful women all around the house. Serbian is stunned, he asks "Hey friend, let me as...

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A farmer who raised chickens had just bought a young rooster and put it in his coop...

Soon the young rooster struts up to the old one and says, "Okay you old fart, time for you to retire. I'm in charge of the hens, now."

"Are you sure?" the old rooster asks, "It's pretty challenging watching over all these hens and keeping them in line, especially for a youngster who doesn't h...

Since many of the posts on here are "Yo Mama jokes" and many others are "Chuck Norris" jokes, can any of the brilliant minds who post on here combine the two memes into a single joke?

Chuck Norris used a roundhouse kick to move yo mama, because when she sits around the house, she really sits **around the house**.

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two women are chatting in the office....

Two women are chatting in an office.

Woman 1: "I had sex last night, did you?"

Woman 2: "Yes."

Woman 1: "Was it good?"

Woman 2: "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled o...

A good zinger that my friend carpenter used on a doctor

So this Dr hired my friend (who's a carpenter) to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut. The doc said with a cavalier attitude "that's an easy way to hide your mistakes!" and without thinking...

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