UPJOKE

Are You Jokes

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A doctor gets called to the hospital in the middle of the night

As it's an emergency, and the highway is completely empty at this time of night, he's going a little over the speed limit. Suddenly, he sees blue lights fire up behind him, and he's pulled over.

The cop approaches the car and says "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"About five mile...

A drunk falls into a hole

He sees a young man walking by, and he calls him over.

"Oy! Laddie! Can you help me get out of here?"

"Who are you?"

"Pastor Jones, from the local Parrish, now help me out, boy!"

"Why are you here?"

"I fell in while taking my afternoon constitutional."

"What...

There was a ventriloquist traveling in the countryside

He performed at county fairs and would go from town to town in his old van. One day while in the middle of nowhere, his car broke down miles away from the nearest town. He started walking to the town to see if he could get help with his car.

Along the road came a farmer riding a buggy pulled...

A cannibal walks into a New York restaurant. He said to the waiter, “Please give me some children to eat.” The waiter was surprised and asked, “What are you talking about?”

“The sign at the entrance says half price for children."

Divorce Judgement

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation o...

A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender asks, you've been coming here a lot recently. Are you sure you're not an alcoholic?

The horse says 'I don't think I am', and poof! Disappears from existence.

Now I would've set up the joke first, but that would be putting Descartes before the horse.

What are you stealing?

I worked at a factory making furniture. Every night I would leave the gate with a wheelbarrow full of sawdust and every night the factory guard checked through the sawdust as I left, looking for what I might be stealing… but I was too cleaver, he never found anything!

After 20 years, the guar...

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An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar

"An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves hal...

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Rabbit Hunting

A man out walking with his dog is amazed to see his doctor down on all fours with his finger halfway down a rabbit hole.
As he continues to watch, the doctor withdraws his hand and a moment later a rabbit pops his head out. The doctor knocks it out and puts it in his bag. After watching him catch...

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A panda bear walks into a restaurant

A panda bear walks into a restaurant. He orders the special and eats it.
After eating, he pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter and starts to walk out the door.

The owner of the restaurant says, “Hey, what are you doing? You come in here, you kill my waiter and walk away without sa...

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A father and his ten year old son were in the grocery store…

…and the son was throwing a penny up and catching it. After several successful attempts, he threw it up, lost it in a light and it went into his mouth. He started choking which caused the father to start freaking out and yelling for a doctor.

A well dressed woman walked over, calmly reached d...

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Little Jonney comes down a staircase to eat breakfast

They live on a farm, and before he sits down to eat, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

"Not yet" said little jonney.

His mother tells him he can't eat until he completes his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks one.
...

A knight rides on a road. Suddenly, a frog comes to him.

\- I am under a spell, - the frog says. - Kiss me, and I'll become a beautiful princess, and will be your wife and love you forever.

The knight kisses the frog and - Bamf! - it indeed turns into a princess. And the princess is so beautiful, he embraces her, takes her clothes off, makes love t...

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There's this guy who could sing through his butt...

He goes to audition with this producer who has a variety show. The producer asks to hear him, so he drops his drawers and does a medley from "Barber of Seville", in perfect Italian. Well the producer is really impressed. He books him for the Saturday night show.

When the time comes for his ac...

The Heart Surgeon

There was this kid, he applied to the best hospital in his city. The interviewer said "youre grades are amazing, your teachers have written amazing letters of recommendations but I have to ask what are your weaknesses?"
the guy laughs and says "well i get real nervous under pressure, i tend to re...

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My wife said she wants to have a threesome with the Planter’s guy.

I said, Are you fucking nuts?!

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A man was walking along a street, and happened to notice a sex shop.

'We have something for everyone!', the sign read.

His curiosity piqued, he walked in. The shopkeeper greeted the man, and offered a variety of toys. The man said, 'I am married, but you know, we don't really do it frequently'.

The shopkeeper said, 'I have just the thing for you.'
...

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Knock Knock

A little boy who answers the door to a traveling salesman. The boy is wearing a smoking jacket and holding a glass of brandy in one hand and a fat cigar in the other. “Hello, son, are your parents in?” asks the salesman. “What the fuck do you think?” the boy replies jadedly.

So a guy goes into the hospital for a hip replacement.

He's laying in the hospital bed, when another guy walks into the hospital room that looks like he could be his twin brother.

Except this guy is slimmer, wearing a stylish blazer, a sharp hat, a goatee and sunglasses.

"Who are you?" the guy asks.

"I'm your hip replacement."

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A guy walks into a bar, and orders six shots of Jack...

The bartender sets up six shots of Jack, and the guy quaffs them down one after another.

"Are you celebrating something?" asks the bartender

"Yes, as a matter of fact I am" the guy smiles "My first blowjob!"

"Hey! That's great! Congratulations. Have another shot on the house!"...

A teacher tells her students to write a sentence defining power.

Once everyone has finished, she reads the sentences out to the class:

\- "Power is when you can do good," - Good, Max, nice sentence. That's an A.

\- "Power is when you can do good and punish evil," - very good, Sarah, beautiful. That's an A+.

\- "Power is when you have a lot of...

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A guys goes in a confessional

Guy: Father, I've been a family man all my life. I've been married 53 years to the woman I have loved from the first time I saw her. She's the first woman I have been with, we have 3 great children, all grown up now, 5 grandchildren, the light of my eyes. I've been happy, I have lived a perfect life...

A girl visits her boyfriend on a Friday night

Girl: Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Boy: Actually, it's a banana. They were on sale.

Girl: OK... is that another banana in your pocket, or are you happy to see me?

Boy: It was a 2-for-1 sale.

Girl: Alright, fine... is that yet anothe...

My 3 year old made up this joke

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Howie.

Howie who?

Good, how are you?

Paddy was coming back from his holiday in America.

As he came through Customs, he had two sacks over his shoulder. The Customs officer asked him what he had in the sacks? Paddy replied Mobile phones.

The customs officer didn't believe him and asked to be shown. Paddy opened each sack and sure enough both sacks contained quite a few phones. "W...

I went to a costume party where crime was the theme

The host looked at my crow costume with a disappointed frown.

“I thought I told everyone to dress like a crime!” He said, gesturing at his blood soaked butcher’s apron, and severed human hand.

“I get yours, manslaughter! But I did indeed wear an appropriate costume. Now watch this; ‘C...

“911, what’s your emergency “

“I’d like to report a murder.”

“Where are you located sir?”

“At the corner of Main and 4th… oh wait, never mind!”

“Sir! What do you mean? How can you say never mind when you’re trying to report a murder!!! I need to know where to dispatch the police to”

“I’m sorry, but yo...

A court hearing about theft in a major company.

**Judge**: Witness Sawyer, are you aware what awaits you in case of false testimony?

**Secretary**: Yes, Your Honor, the boss was saying something about ten thousand dollars and a mink furcoat.

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Two atoms are walking down the street

One says "shit, I lost an electron!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm positive"

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[NSFW] An elder couple were sitting in their broken down car on the side of the road waiting for a tow truck.

The tow truck arrives and the driver walks up to the car as the old man who was driving, rolls down his window.

Driver: Hello folks. What seems to be the problem?

Elder lady: WHAT???

Elder man: Sorry my wife is hard of hearing.

Then he looks at his wife and yells out...

Husband and wife are shopping...

A Husband and Wife went shopping together just before Christmas. The wife quickly noticed that her husband was missing and because they had a lot to do she called him on his cell phone.
After the husband picked up the phone his wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do!"
He sa...

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A poor man and rich man

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange th...

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A man walks into a bar and says "All lawyers are assholes!"

Another guy in the bar says "hey watch what you say". First guy says "why are you a lawyer". Guy says "no I'm an asshole"

One time...

this bloke walked past me and saw me shouting and crying into an AC. He asked, "What are you doing?" I replied, "I'm venting my feelings!"

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like...

A lady is walking down the street and sees a parrot in the window of a pet store.

She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work.

The next day she sees the same parrot in the window. When the parrot sees her it says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She's livid, and s...

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One day in the jungle...

Jane and Tarzan are getting to know each other and she's trying to teach him the different things about her culture. Finally she gets around to talking about sex and asks Tarzan what he does for sex. He shakes his head and says, "Tarzan no do sex." Jane asked what he does about it when he gets overw...

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It was a long day at the gates of heaven, and St Peter was ready to go home

The final man in line walked up. He was a little man, wearing a tuxedo which looked like it had been scorched, and he was holding a golden baton. The man's appearance was otherwise unremarkable, but for the gigantic, shit eating smile on his face.

"What happened to you, sir?"

"I got ...

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The Naked Cowboy

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks “Why in the world are you dressed like this?“
The Cowboy says,...

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are you going to travel with only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and...

I have a question for short people.

What are your future goals and how are you able to reach them?

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This is just awful, but I laughed. From a member of my weekly volunteer teaching group in Japan: My friend called me up and asked, "Hey are you free tonight?"

I replied, "Of course, I'm an American."

During a bus trip, the driver commented to a passenger: "People only value things when they don't have them, don't you think?"

The passenger replied: "Are you talking about a woman, money...?
The driver said: " I'm talking about the brakes..."

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3 Choices...

A man dies, and finds himself in a plain-looking hallway. After a couple seconds, Satan appears in a puff of smoke.

"Hey there. Welcome to hell. It's not like the stereotypes or the movies, though. There's no fire or anything like that. Basically, the way it works I'll show you 3 rooms. After...

A strongman tries to lift a heavy bar and succeeds...

Everyone is absolutely astonished. "How strong are you!?" asks the bartender inside.

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An engineer goes to hell

A professional engineer dies and because of some misfiled paperwork, ends up in hell. Trudging through the sweltering heat, eventually he comes across Satan and says, "You know, with a little work, we can probably cool this place off..." At first, Satan is enraged and prepares to unleash fury on thi...

A customer walks up to the bar…

And the customer proposes a vet he says “I’ll bet you £2,000 that I could pee in that shot glass across the bar from here

Strangely the barman agrees so the customer tries and fails and the barman says “haha pay up”

The customer pays the barman £2,000 and started to laugh

Happ...

Husband and wife…………..

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery....

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I used to be a traveling salesman.

One day when I solicited a home a young child answered the door. He was wearing pantyhose, a far too big housecoat, and nothing else. He held a lit cigarette in one hand and I could see an open bottle of whiskey on the table of the foyer.
I asked him "Are your parents home?"
After a long drag ...

A woman goes in front of a judge.

The judge said, "Why are you here today?"

She said, "I stole a can of peaches." The judge said, "How many peaches are in the can?"

She said, "Six." The Judge said, "Ok, you spend six days in jail then."

The lady’s husband quickly stood up and asked the judge if he could speak on...

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A man sees a sign outside a house: 'Talking greyhound For Sale’

He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking greyhound sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" he asks the greyhound.

"Oh yes," the greyhound replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the gre...

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I’d like some Polish sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, “"Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if ...

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A new medical student was seeing a patient in a clinic for a physical

As the student was inefficient and slow, the patient became furious and gave him a hard time. The student then said, “let me bring my preceptor so we can do your physical examination together.” The student steps out and returns with the preceptor.

Towards the end of the physical, the precepto...

Dad: How old are you?

Me: 18

Dad: when i was your age, i was 19.

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Two Belgians walk into a police station

Two Belgians walk into a police station and say: "Our Dutch friend is missing. Please help us."

Officer: "Can you describe him to me?"

Belgians: "He's tall, has blue eyes and blonde hair"

Officer: "You described half the Netherlands with this. You got anything more specific?"...

Hey lady, are you my appendix?

Cause I don't know what you do, but I got this feeling inside me that says I need to take you out

There’s two patients at a psych ward and the first one says to the other

“I’m gonna break outta here, you in?”

The second one says “sure, but what’s your plan?”

To which the other replies “I’m just gonna walk outta here”

The second patient then exclaims “what?! Are you crazy?”

To which the first replies “well of course I am! What do you...

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A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around,

that they offered a standing $1,000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshore...

Michael Caine was making a movie in the Philippines …

… and he was invited to a posh party in an expensive house in Manila. While he was being introduced to the other guests in the party and getting a drink, he noticed that the hostess was looking at him rather nastily. He was perplexed as he had never met her before and was a guest at her house.
...

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Alone at the table…….

This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket tow...

A high-society debutant is engaged to a low-born Greek guy...

Before the wedding, her mother takes her aside and says, "I've tried to talk you out of marrying this man, but you seem determined to go through with it, so just promise me one thing"

"Greeks have unnatural desires in the bedroom that are perverse, nasty, and disgusting. Just promise me now, ...

"Ma'am, we brought your husband in. He was at the bar door so drunk that every time we tried to get him up, he fell over!"

The woman: "Are you kidding me? Where's his wheelchair?"

Frustrated gorilla

Bubba is working as a carpenter at the zoo. He meets the zookeeper one morning who seems a bit stressed.

"It's the gorilla", he says. "She's 'in heat', but we don't have a male gorilla to mate with her, so she's very agitated. If I could find someone to mate with her for $1,000 I'd have no pr...

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Guy walks into a bar and yells, "Hey barkeep, how about a round of drinks for everyone here before the shit starts?"

Everyone cheers. Bartender says ok, and pours a round of beers for the whole bar.

A little while later the guy yells again, "Hey barkeep, how about another round of drinks before the shit starts?"

Everyone cheers louder. Bartender says ok, and pours another round of beers for the whol...

OMG!!! I was sitting in the Nordstrom bathroom stall

And had just sat down when a voice in the next stall over said “Hi! How are
You??”. Embarrased, I said “I’m fine?”. The voice continued “So what are you up to??” I said “Just sitting here like you!” Then the voice says “Can I come over??” Thoroughly annoyed and somewhat alarmed at this point I sa...

Jefferson, a disgraced yet incredibly successful basketball coach, is asked to return to help lead his team to victory.

On his first day back, he organizes a meeting between himself and Anthony, the coach that took over when he initially left. When Anthony arrives to his office, Jefferson is already there, holding a large oak box.

"What's in the box?" Anthony asks.

Jefferson opens the box to reveal a sn...

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