UPJOKE

Are U Jokes

girl are u my neighbor's wifi?

cuz u have a stupid name and im having trouble connecting

Hey girl are u a brain tumor?

Cuz i cant get u outta my head and its killing me

What are U, E, U, E doing in Queue?

They're waiting for their turn.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend asked me "why are u making jerky during quarantine".

Because these are drying times

How tall are u in heels?

I dunno, but I could tell you in feet.

Are u alright?

No I'm half left

Im going to ask you some questions and the answer to em all is addicted.

If you drink too much alcohol what are u to alcohol?... Addicted

If you smoke too much what are u to cigarettes?... Addicted

If you take too many drugs what are u to drugs?... Addicted

So what slapped you in the face last night?...

Wife: “Honey let’s play a game?” Husband: “Ok, what is the game all about?”

Wife: "If I mention a country, you will run to the left side of the room and touch the wall. And if I mention a bird you will run to the right side of the room and touch the wall. If you run to the wrong direction, you will give me all your salary for the month."

Husband: "Ok and if you fail,...

A man asks for vodka in a club(true story)

So I work at a nightclub and a guy approaches me and asks how much does a bottle of vodka cost, I replied with 80 euros.
The man then said "can I buy half a bottle for 40 euros" .
Me : no sir, but I can give it to you for free if you'd like.
Man : oh really! Are u joking!
Me : Yes, but y...

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A mother was walking down the hall...

... when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom, when she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
"What are u doing?" She exclaimed!!!
The daughter replied,"I'm 35 & still living at home with my parents & this is the closest I'll e...

I'll never forget my granddad's last word to me just before he died

the words where: JIMMY ARE U STILL HOLDING THE LADDERS

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An ugly woman walked into a store a with her 2 kids, yelling at them.

The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"


The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7. Why the hell would u think they're twins, Are u blind, or just bloody stupid?"

The clerk r...

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A little boy was doing his math homework

...saying to himself, 2+5 the son of bitch is 7,

3+6 the son of bitch is 9

His mother heard this & asked "Why are you swearing?"

Boy, "Mom this is how the teacher taught us all."

Furious, the mother called the teacher: "Are u teaching math to children by saying 2+2, t...

An old man sat studying on a bench near the Kremlin

A KGB agent walking by looked at him suspiciously
but passed by
But an hour and 2 more times passing later the agent asked "Why are u sitting here so long and what are u doing?
Old man replied "I am an old man and Don't expect to live much longer. I want to go to heaven and as u know they s...

A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students

A new lady teacher, came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with -name, and hobby. She said " Let's start with the boys first. Boys start giving their introduction.

First boy : " My name is john, and ...

Nerdy cell pickup lines

- These were some of my biology notes from freshman year. I actually remembered the functions from these jokes

Are u a golgi apparatus? Cause I need help processing my feelings for u

Are we proteins in a golgi apparatus? Cause we’re being shipped

I hope you aren’t a controsome c...

I named my dog five miles to impress people

Me: Like today I walked five miles.

Guy: so why are u crying?

Me: Because today I ran over five miles.

My girlfriend said she wants to break up with me because im too childish

i said please give me another chance
she said "no, we're through, done, finished, end of, period.
so i started laughing
she said "what are u laughing for?"
i said "hehe, you said period"

A guy and his wife are looking from the window

Their neighbor comes home and kisses his wife. She sees that and turns to her husband asking : look how sweet is that , why don’t you do the same thing ?
The guy says : i d love to but are u sure he would let me kiss his wife ?

Husband sat in his room throwing darts at his wife's photo but not even a single one hits the Target.

From the lounge wife asks: "What are u doing honey?"

Husband: “MISSING YOU.”

Two Africans and an Englishman are caught jaywalking in the U.S...

The police let the two Africans off with a warning. Then they pull their guns on the Englishman and shoot him eight times, even though his hands are up in surrender.

"Well, so much for stereotypes!" says the first South African.

"Was that sarcasm?" says the second. "He was the only o...

Koale who smokes weed

Long time ago there was a Koala. Sitting on top of his tree where he's always chilling. But today it's different. He is bored as f*ck. So out of boredom he rolled a blunt,

After smoking for like 5 minutes, a lizzard shows up passing by the tree. "Wait, I know that smell. Hey! Watcha doing?" h...

There were three guys on a plane. One bit into an apple, thought it was too...

There were three guys on a plane. One bit into an apple, thought it was too sweet. He threw it out the window. The second guy bit into a lemon, thought it was too sour, threw it out the window. The third guy bit into a grenade, thought it was too crunchy and threw it out the window.
When the plan...

A teacher ask one of her students about chemical formula for water.

TEACHER : "Brandon, what is the chemical formula for water?"


Brandon : "HIJKLMNO"


TEACHER : "What are u talking about?!"


Brandon : "Yesterday you said it's H to O"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pope is on an airplane

So this guy boards an airplane and finds himself sitting next too the Pope. Trying to not make a big deal out of it the guy takes his seat and minds his own business.

About 20 minutes into the flight the Pope takes out a crossword puzzle and begins working on it. As the flight progressed the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun is leaving church one evening.....

A nun is leaving church one winter evening after mass. As she exits she sees two alter boys laying in the snow completely naked. The nun approaches the boys and says "Dear lord! What are u boys doing out here naked in the snow?" One of the boys looks up at her and says,

"Father John likes to...

What did the DNA say to the RNA?

What are U doing here?

Home early.

Wife : "Why are u home so early?"


Hubby : "My boss said go to hell!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Slow Down Love

5 minutes before landing in Melbourne the pilot says to the passengers
' Good morning everyone, we hope you enjoyed your flight with Qantas. It is currently 14 degrees and cloudy. Have a great day' After the speech the pilot puts the mic down forgetting to mute it. So the other pilot goes on to ...

Self Protection with heavy Flirt :- . . . . .

Teacher :- Why are u sleeping in the class ?
.
.
Student :- Your voice is so sweet thats why i am getting sleep .
.
.
Teacher : - Then why other students are not sleeping ?
.
.
Student :- They aren't listening to u mam ...........

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