UPJOKE

And Then Jokes

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If I was addicted to masturbation and then I got addicted to sex...

Would it be safe to assume my addiction got out of hand?

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Isn't it weird when sometimes you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating

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My girlfriend is from India. She likes to tease me by sending a pic of herself clothed, and then one of her nude.

She calls it sari, not sari.

A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.

The French exchange student raised his hand and said, "Excuse me Madam, but I don't know how to say fractions. How do you say those?"

"Easy," said the teacher, "you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is 'two-thirds', 3/4 is 'three...

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show up..

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together.

At first it's boring, but later on, it's riveting!

At breakfast, a man asked his wife “What would you do I if won the lottery?” She replied, “I’d take half, and then leave you.”

“Great,” he said “I won $12 yesterday. Here’s $6. Stay in touch.”

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My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...

I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters?

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. What type of veteran is he?

A seasoned veteran.

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

A cop just stopped me for jaywalking and then tasered me after exchanging a few words...

Police: Turn around.

Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round...

Police: TURN AROUND!!

Me: BRIGHT EYES, Every now and then I fall apart. And you I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ev--AHHHHHH!

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NSFW What word starts with a 'C' and then ends with 'U-N-T'?

"Count"




you dumb cunt.

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

What walks on 8 legs until it's one years old, 4 legs until it's twenty years old and then 2 legs for the remainder of it's life?

Fred and George Weasley.

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Dr. Seuss cheated on his wife for 13 years while she was battling cancer and then married his mistress after she died.

He really said "One bitch, two bitch, dead bitch, new bitch".

Scientists removed the right half brain of a man and then they asked him to count to ten.

The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten.

The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again...

A man take his dog to the vet, and then...

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and asks, "my dog's cross-eyed... is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So, he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"Why? ...

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A man enters a pub, walks up to have a seat at the bar, and then pulls out a three-inch tall leprechaun from his front shirt pocket to set it on the bar top.

The man looks at the bartender and says, "Yo, I'd like to get a beer for me and an Irish wine for my little pal here!"


The bartender returns with the drinks in short time. The man drinks his beer, the leprechaun drinks all the Irish wine from the bottle. Only for it to suddenly stop in ...

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

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A fighter pilot and a cargo pilot are flying around, talking shit to each other on the radio. The fighter pilot goes on about how much cooler he is than the cargo pilot and says, "Watch this, brah!" hits the afterburner, does a barrel roll and then a loop...

"Top that!" he shouts to the cargo pilot.

"Ok, well watch this." says the cargo pilot.

The plane just goes straight for a while.

"How'd you like that?" asks the cargo pilot.

The fighter pilot is confused and asks, "What did you do?"

The cargo pilot replies, "I went...

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Tony ambled into a bar, and noticed a bucket behind the counter filled to the brim with cash. "Is there a contest on to win that dough?" Tony asked the bartender. "Yep," the barkeep responded, "It costs $50 to enter, and then you have to do three things:

First you've got to knock out Spike, our 300-pound bouncer. Then we've got a pit bull out back with an abscessed tooth, and it's up to you to yank it out. Finally, the 90-year old lady who owns this place is upstairs. If you can give her a multiple-orgasm, all the money's yours."
Tony was up for ...

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My therapist told me that I tend to persue damaged people, and then try to help them.

To which I responded, “You too”….

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I was dreaming about having diarrhea and then I woke up.

That's when shit got real.

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Therapist tells his patient to write individual letters to everyone who wronged him and then burn them to gain some peace

Patient comes back the next week and says he's done what the therapist recommended. Then asks what he should do with the letters

Someone called me and sneezed and then ended the call

I’m tired of all these cold calls!

A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop. He finds one and then begs "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight." Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe.

After a while the cop turns to the kid and says "Okay, which one's your father."

The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about."

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And then the fight started . . .

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'
  
And then the fight started...

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My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do yo...

I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year...

Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.

An unknown number called me, sneezed and coughed a few times and then hung up.

I'm getting tired of all these cold calls.

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A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”

The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the movin...

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If I saw a man in a suit, jump into a phone booth and then Superman jump out. I’d be like “Holy shit!”

A fucking phone booth!

2 horses often get into a relationship, and then break up again. They also do repeat this cycle a lot

It isn'ta stable relationship

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Today I urinated and then masturbated

You can say I peanut

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A mother shark is teaching her young one how to eat humans. "First, you go straight at them and then you circle them.

You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them."

"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"

"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the shit still inside?"

Heard a Beach Boys song that sang, “We could be married…And then we’d be happy…”

And I was like “Whoa, fellas - you can’t have it both ways.”

My date asked me if I have any phobias and I had to break it off there and then.

We only drink REAL beers in my house.

And then there was the bedbug...

who had a baby in the spring.

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After the safety talk in the airplane the pilot forgets to turn off the microphone... He turns to his copilot and says: "I'm gonna take a dump and then I'm gonna fuck that smoking hot stewardess."

When the stewardess realizes what's going on she starts to sprint to the front to warn the pilot that his mic is still on but trips and falls. A passenger turns to her and says: "Calm down, he's taking a dump first."

It was my son's birthday, so I took 4 of his mates for a burger and then bowling.

They had a great time, he would have loved it

My son transitioned to a female and then had transitioned back to male shortly thereafter.

I’m supportive of whatever they do, but it appears that they listened to a voice of re-son.

My wife and I had a great romantic courtship and then got married on the summit of Mt Everest

But it was all downhill from there.

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There are fuckups, there are royal fuckups, and then there was NASA crashing a spaceship because they confused pounds and kilos.

That was an *Imperial* fuckup.

A man walks into a bar, takes a small piano out of his bag and then a tiny man. the tiny man starts playing the piano.

The bartender asks the gentleman "what's up"?
The gentleman explains how he found a magic lamp with a genie inside and he grants wishes. The gentleman says if you give me a couple free drinks I will gladly let you make a wish.
The bartender thinks, ok what's the worst that can happen.
The b...

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What are some of your best “and then I said” jokes

When my friends and I are talking I like to every now and then go “and then I said ping pong balls not king kong’s balls” for a laugh.

I wondered if anyone else has any gags like this?

As the burglar entered our darkened room, I put the red dot right between his eyes and then…

…let my cat do the rest.

My mom always wanted to name her kids with the 4 same letters. There's my two sisters Lana and Nala, and then there's me...

Alan.

What do you call a chicken who crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and then crosses back again?

A dirty double-crosser.

I'm starting a group to play basketball and then discuss philosophy

It's called "shoot first, ask questions later"

I remember when I started doing drugs. First weed, then pills... and then I was offered cocaine...

And that's where I drew the line

A husband comes home and says to his wife "I just bought condoms with taste. Let's turn off the light, and then you can guess what flavor it is." So they turned off the lights and...

The wife asks: "Is it cheese and tuna flavor?"

The Husband says: "Take it easy, let me put it on first"

If someone says they will make your favorite meal and then doesn't...

Does that make them a Crock-tease?

My blind date showed up late, and then said 'I thought you'd be younger.'

I said 'I was.'

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Quick 69 and Then Off To The Dentist

After a excitingly hot 69 position with his girlfriend , Jerry remembered he had a dentist Appointment

He was afraid the dentist would smell Pussy on his breath! So he brushed his teeth several times Gargled ½ a liter of Listerine and used dental floss as well
As he arrived at the dentist ...

I used to have a great joke about baking, and then I ruined it

I should never have left that pun in the oven.

Someone tickled me today and then asked: "Did you feel that?"

It was nice to finally receive a stimulus check.

And Then Fight Started.. :D

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What’s on TV?"I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started…My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."I bou...

You go your whole life making a great pumpernickel dip, and then BAM, one day you get 20 people asking for the recipe.

Nobody expects the spinach inquisition.

When REM met The Queen, she held up an envelope and then said...

"That's me in the corner."

My friend and I were playing chess and then he said "let's make this interesting"

So we stopped playing chess

The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours

and so they decided to call it a day

During a weekly game at the home for the aged, the bingo caller began choking and then collapsed.

He was rushed to emergency, and went immediately into surgery.

It appeared that 40 years of calling bingo games in smoky halls had finally caught-up with him.

The surgeon successfully removed a mass that was blocking his windpipe.

After waking from the surgery, the caller asked...

And then the fight started.

A son asked his mother the following question: 'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?'

The mother looks at her son and replies: 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why...

My wife purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”

Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.

[translated joke] A burglar enters a house,holds the couple at gunpoint and then ties the man and woman to the bed with belts and ties

"Take whatever you want but let her go " pleads the man..

"Shut up " said the burglar

"I can tell you the combination of the safe" cried the husband" you can take everything inside.just let her go"

"Really" asked the burglar

" I've a rare stamp book collection. Would fet...

The executioner decapitated the man in a single stroke, and then hacked him into pieces.

Almost a flawless execution, but then he butchered it.

A wife goes on a retreat for work for a few days. When she returns and enters the house, she puts her things away and then goes to do some much needed laundry.

Upon her entry to the room, however, she finds a pair of panties on the floor that do not belong to her!
Furious, she questions her husband.

The husband says, "I have no idea where they came from I don't do the laundry, the maid does!"

The wife calms down and says, "Oh! So maybe the...

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a jew bought a camp site and then said

“now this is mein kampf.”

Erotica and then some

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
<...

He cut off both of my legs and then asked me a question I couldn't answer.

I'm stumped.

My son’s dyslexic, and every year at Christmas, he gets all excited and writes his little list of all the presents he wants, and then he goes and sends it off to Satan.

Well, actually I send it off to Satan because he can’t spell.

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