UPJOKE

And I Said Jokes

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Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said...

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happe...

I went into the pet shop and I said "I'd like to buy a wasp"

The shopkeeper said "We don't sell wasps"

I said "But you've got one in the window"

When I went to my interview, I poured a glass of water and it overflowed onto the table. The interviewer asked if I was nervous and I said no -

I always give it 110%

My friends asked me where they could get a decent coffee table and I said I could make one for them for $500. They were delighted and agreed to it. But when I eventually got it to them, they seemed really ungrateful.

I have no idea why, it was fantastic. It rated 100 different types of coffee from 1 -10 and was one of the best spreadsheets I’ve ever made.

I rang work and I said "I can't come in today, I have a wee cough"

The boss said "You have a wee cough?"

I said "Wow, thanks boss, see you next Wednesday!"

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion.

He said okay, Those are the worst tattoo's I ever saw!

So my blind date said "Tell me something quirky about yourself" and I said "Whenever I'm talking to someone and I think they're a waste of time, I start blethering on about Russian tanks"

She said "Wow, that's actually kind of weird" and I said "Yeah, but actually, the T-34 and the KVs really gave the Germans a shock in 1941".

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My wife came into the bedroom and I said she wanted to have sex

I told her "no chance tonight I've got a headache" and rolled over.
She left the room and went downstairs.
She came back into the bedroom and started prodding me in the lower back with the hilt of a broom

I asked "why are you poking me with that"

She responded " this is what you ...

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My darling asked me what I wanted for Xmas, and I said, "Nothing would make me happier than oral Sex."

So that's what she gave me.

Nothing.

She said, "Thank you so much!" And I said...

"Not at all. But I find knitting very relaxing."

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And I said "One man's trash is another man's treasure"

Then I realized it was a shitty way to tell the truth to my adopted son...

I poured her a drink and I said "Say when..."

She said "After this drink."

The NRA asked what Jesus's favorite gun would be, and I said "a nail gun."

I don't know why they got so offended. Jesus was a carpenter.

I told my friend about how I caught a huge snake. He asked me how big it was and I said, have you seen the movie anaconda?

It was about the size of the Anaconda’s DVD box.

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I was in the park with my dog and I said to this bloke, "Which way did you vote regarding Brexit?". “I voted to leave" he replied. With that my dog bit him. Later that day, I was down the pub and I asked the landlord the same question and he replied “I voted to remain” and my dog bit him too.

My dog doesn't give a fuck about politics.

I was interviewed by the police today and I said "no comment" to every question

I find out next week whether I got the job

My coworker was showing off a tattoo, and I said I couldn't get any for myself.

I said, "if I got a tattoo, I couldn't be buried in a Jewish cemetery."

"Oh! I didn't know you were Jewish!"

"I'm not. That's the third reason I couldn't be buried in a Jewish cemetery."

I saw an ad for a coffin and I said to myself...

"That's the last thing I need."

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A girl asked me if I was a breast or thigh man and I said I was more into pussy and ass.

I am now banned from KFC.

I went to buy some condoms today, and I said to the pharmacist, 'Excuse me, I need some condoms.'

He said, 'Just a minute.'

And I said, 'Yep, that's my brand.'

I went into the pet shop and I said "I want to buy a wasp"

The shopkeeper said "We don't sell wasps" and I said "But you've got one in the window".

\~\~\~\~

So instead I bought a dozen bees. As I was paying for them I said "Here, I bought twelve bees but there's 13 in this jar" and he said "Yes, one of them's a freebee".

I was down at the quarry and I said to the owner "Nice rock!"

He said "Boulder", so I said "**Nice rock!**"

My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”

“Thanks, man, ” he replied, “I’ve been practising it a lot.”

My brother and I were playing chess, and I said to him 'care to make this interesting?' He said 'sure'.

So we stopped playing chess.

So I was talking to my dentist and I said...

“Shuaiawawalinooeso”

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I was in the bookshop and I said to the assistant "I'm looking for a play by Shakespeare"

She said "Which one?" and I said "William!"

Dumb bitch.

My wife asked me if I was ever going to stop playing Wonderwall by Oasis on the guitar. And I said...

"Hey now, you're an--" and she smashed me in the mouth.

I was teaching political correctness to my niece and I said, "Ok let's say there's someone named Michael or Mike for short, and if Mike delivers mail, he's a Mail-man. Similarly if there's someone named Jennifer who's doing the same job what would you call her?"

"Jenny"

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I was doing an adult sex crossword and I said to my wife,

"Female gland to be stimulated for pleasure, can't think of that one."

"I know," she replied, "I'll bet it's not even on the tip of your tongue."

I was driving with my daughter on a beautiful sunny day this winter and I said, "I can't believe how poor the visibility is."

She said, "What do you mean? It's perfectly clear." Pointing down I said, "I can only see four feet in front of us."

My wife asked me the other day in bed "if you could have a threesome with me and anyone living or dead, who would it be?" And I said

"Anyone living."

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I was in the park with my dog and I said to this bloke

"Would you support another Brexit referendum?"
"Not at all, " he replied. With that my dog bit him.


I carried on and I saw a woman, I asked, "Would you support another Brexit referendum?"
"Never, " she said. My dog bit her as well.


As I carried on I met another man, ...

My mom made a horrible joke the other day and I said "oh wow look at this comedic genius"

She then replied to me saying "of course I am one. I mean I made you"

I laid in bed last night, looking up at the stars and I said to myself-

Where the hell is my ceiling!?

My friend and I were in the car the other day and I said I smelled weed. He said 'It's just a skunk'

Can you believe it? He thought a skunk was smoking weed.

My friend said to me the other day, "What rhymes with orange". And i said..

"No, it doesn't."

I saw a guy holding a huge bumblebee and I said "Eww! What are you holding that ugly creature for?"

Indignantly he said "It's not ugly!"

I guess beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

Phoned up the office and told them I was sick. They asked what was wrong with me and I said...

... I'm sleeping with my sister.

My friend asked me what I was being for Halloween, and I said "Nothing."

He said "No, that's what you are in real life, you have to wear a costume."

The Testicular Cancer Prevention Society called me to ask whether I received their email, and I said no.

They said, “Maybe you should check your junk.”

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My friend asked me if i had ever gotten and given oral sex at the same time and i said yes

Little does he know i can suck my own dick

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?'

So he gave me a kite.

Was tuning the piano with my sister and I said...

This reminds me of the Soprano section in our school choir.


To which she responds, "How do you know if a Soprano is at the door?"

("IDK, How")

"She doesn't have the key and doesn't know when to come in."

My 5 year old farted last night, and I said “ewww, you farted!”

He said “it was the asphalt, Dad”!

True story.

My co-worker arrivrd at work and I said "Hi".

He said "Yes, as a matter of fact."

(True story)

My girlfriend said to me "as a young boy, was your mother very strict with you" and I said "let's make one thing absolutely clear..."

"My mother was never a young boy."

Tim Vine

My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She’s always eating chocolate, and she likes to joke she’s got a chocolate addiction. "Get me away from those Hersheys bars. I’m addicted to them." It’s really annoying.

So I put her in a car and I drove her downtown. And I pointed out a crack addict. And I said, "Do you see that, honey?... Why can’t you be that skinny?

The murder trial

I finished a murder trial, I was representing the defendant. The only defence I had was that there was no body found. I knew I was going to lose the case, so for my closing argument, I looked at my watch and I told the jury the victim is going to walk through that door in a minute. The entire jury l...

Daughters boyfriend introduced himself to me and he said “Hi sir I’m david, nice to meet you”

He put out his hand and I said “David are you nervous?”

He said “no”.

So, I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said “then why are you shaking?”

Edit 1 - Geez; it's the handshake, guys. Come on!

I went to my girlfriends father and asked for her hand

He asked me “Why do want it” and I said “Because I’m tired of using my own”

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