UPJOKE

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My girlfriend always takes long baths after we finish watching a Ryan gosling movie

I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Ryan Gosling

I always take 40 or 50 lighters with me in a bag...

Not because I'll need them, but you can always use a lighter bag when hiking.

And I make sure it's not an odd number so that way it's even lighter.

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My wife always takes a run right after we have sex

Some people... You give them an inch and they take a mile

My brother prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator.

I guess we are raised differently.

Why did the statistician always take a bomb with him when he traveled by plane?

He knew the chances of a bomb being on a flight he was one in a million, so he figured that the chances of two bombs being on board was one in a million million.

Which friends should you always take out to dinner?

Your taste buds.

I always take life with a grain of salt...

Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

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Whenever I’m constipated, I always take some laughing gas.

I do it just for shits and giggles.

Why should you always take two Mormon's fishing?

Cause if you take one, he'll drink all your beer

My skydiving instructor would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first timer questions.

One day, a guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have before we hit the ground?

Our instructor looked at him and in a perfect deadpan voice, answered, "The rest of your life."

People always take credit for them first.

What’s the worst part about time traveller jokes?

Why do orgies always take so long in Heaven?...

Because Jesus always pretends he’s about to come again.

What do you call a droid that always take the longest route?

R2 Detour

Why does Putin always take the bus to work?

His car is always Stalin

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You should always take my advice.

I’m clearly not fucking using it.

I joined a fitness group where the main objective is to always take the stairs.

It's a 10,000 step program.

You can always take Terrence.

The hermit goes into the bar, throws his money on to the counter and says to the bartender.
- Give me a glass of whisky, a fine cigar and a beautiful woman.
The bartender answers:
- I can give you the whisky and the cigar, but sadly we don't have women here. If you really want, there is Ter...

[Computers] Why do Linux admins always take Xanax?

Because they're constantly battling their daemons.

I always take my wife morning tea in my pajamas...

... but is she grateful? No, she says she'd rather have it in a cup.

My grandparents would always take me out to dinner when I was a kid and jokingly ask me, "Are you paying this time?"

I would laugh and say "No! I don't have any money". They did this right up until I started college. We went to dinner same as always but at the end they didn't ask me. It was strange but figured they forgot. Well after a while it started to bother me. Finally after dinner one night I asked them "Why...

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(Nsfw) My girlfriend asked me why I always take my phone with me to the bathroom.

I told her it’s because I can get more shit done.

Mr.Ferguson always takes the A200 to go to work,

One day, Ms,Ferguson hears on the radio.
« Attention to all listeners on the road today, a car on the A200 is reportedly driving backwards »

Ms.Ferguson, worried, calls Mr.Feguson and says « Honey, I heard on the radio that a car is driving backwards on the A200, be careful »

« It’s...

I don't always take the derivative of x^2....

But when I do, it's dos equis.

My wife always takes up two parking spaces.

She ought to go on a diet.

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I know a guy who always takes a picture of his dick before having sex...

Apparently if you take a picture, it'll last longer.

Why do tourists always take pictures in Paris?

Because the tower is an Eiffel.

Why should you always take two pairs of trousers when you play golf?....

....In case you get a hole in one!

Why does John Cena always take awhile to feel better when he's sick?

Because the Doctor can never see him.

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs...

Because they always take things literally.

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A student sits next to their teacher at lunch

The teacher tells the student "Birds don't eat with pigs." The student gets up and says "Alright, then I'll fly away"

Angry at being outsmarted, the teacher attempts to humiliate the student in class. The teacher calls them up and asks them a question. "You find two bags, one full of money, t...

The Best Son.

Three brothers are waiting for their mother at the airport. One says I'm the best son because I got her a new car! The second one says I'm the best son because I got her a new TV!. The third one says I'm the best son because she's lonely so I got her a parrot to talk to.

The mother gets off...

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Life Lessons in the Outback

Bruce has been lost in the Australian Outback for three days and the combination of heat, exhaustion and thirst is close to killing him.

Unable to take another step, he collapses face first in the dirt, ready to meet his maker.

Unexpectedly he wakes to find himself staring into the fac...

Why do kleptomaniacs hate puns

because they always take things, literally

My wife asked me how I manage to always eat so quickly...

It's because I always take seconds.

A man and a blonde woman get engaged

A man and a blonde woman get engaged. The man presents her with a big, beautiful, expensive diamond ring. After a few months, the man notices that the ring is in rough shape - scuff marks, dents, and scratches. He asks her to take it to the jeweler.

So, the blonde woman brings the ring to th...

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