UPJOKE

All Those Jokes

If the Ku Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

Because they don't have access to black magic.

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All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

To all those suffering from Paranoia

You are not alone.

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For all those who don't get the bus driver comments on every post here

First off, I know this is an old joke. It's like the oldest joke. But on every other joke that's posted on this sub, it gets referenced, and there's always at least one reply who doesn't get it. I've explained the reference to like 4 people today and this seems like a better solution. So here it i...

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All those years of phone sex has caught up with me...

I now have hearing aids

D’y’ know why Batman has all those cool doodads in his utility belt: smoke bombs, grease slicks, nose plugs/filters for poison gas, breath mints?

Because he doesn’t have pockets.

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Mother Teresa lived to 87. Do you know how much sex she had in all those years?

Nun.

It’s Feb. 14th. Happy Valentine’s Day to all those in love

and happy Monday to all those who are married.

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Honey…you’d think from watching all those cooking shows you’d know how to cook.

Husband…you’d think from watching all that porn you’d know how to…..

What did Master Yoda attribute to keeping his sanity during all those years of solitude?

He said whatever you can do to pass the time anything to make the day-go-ba

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King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

The good wizard showed him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'

'Ah, sire, just observe...

My wife recently discovered I was cheating after she found all those letters I'd been hiding.

She got really mad and said she's never going to play Scrabble with me again.

To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present

They're due back at the library today.

How do you get all those Russian tanks out from the mud?

Ukraine them out.

What if all those Z signs we've seen are Russians trying to undo the past month?

but they can't because they have no control

Sometimes, when Mother’s Day comes around, I feel bad for all those test tube babies

…who didn’t have a mother.

But then I remember they got a womb with a view.

A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act. "You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket" But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket.

"Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go."r>
The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens.

Game warden: So where are the fish?

Fisherman: What fish?

They held a beauty pageant for all those Fox News blondes...

And named the winner "Miss Information".

You know what we should do to all those people who soak up government money and don’t work for it?

Kick them outta office!

How’s that kid doing that swallowed all those coins?

No change yet…

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It’s ironic Whitney Houston did all those Pepsi endorsements

Then over dosed on Coke

Do you remember all those jokes made last year about having 2020 vision?

Well, you know what they say about hindsight.

I asked my sister why she had all those strings tied to her fingers.

She didn't remember.

All those people who believe in telekinetic energy...

Please raise my hand.

How did those little Ewoks quickly make all those huge traps that killed so many stormtroopers and AT-STs?

Gather some bubs

Yell enough yubs

You'll see stormtroooper deaths numbering in the dubs.

Some words of encouragement for all those paranoid people who fear someone’s watching you:

*whispering*

You’re not alone.

Big F to all those who can’t see their bf or gf

I can because she’s my sister

All those people saying anti-vaxxers should be researching child sized coffins aren't considering both sides

they can also use urns

To all those waiting for the results of their COVID-19 test

Dont worry. Think positive.

To all those who said I would never graduate high school...

You were right. #classof2020

To all those who call people snowflakes and say they get offended too easily I’d just like to say…

Happy Holidays

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

Here's an update for you:

Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage.

Why?

Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage...

So I tried donating blood the other day, but left after they bothered me with all those questions.

Like "where did you get this blood?" or "why is there so much?"

To all those going through something difficult in 2020

Just go around it!!

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I told my wife that with all those cooking shows she watches she should be a better cook.

She told me that with all those pornos I watch I should be a better fuck.

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How are all those drugs smuggled into prison?

probably by some asshole

To all those considering doing the "Kiki Challenge" please remember...

You should never Drake and drive

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Judge, angrily: Excuse me father, did you just say that it was all those kids' fault and not yours?

Father: Yes, everytime they saw me they would just start chanting frantically 'jizz us'.

I dedicate this in loving memory of all those dads who never quit

And a quick disclaimer that smoking is injurious to health...

Shout out to my dad who went to get a pack of cigarettes and never returned

Did you hear about that diaster that killed all those sea cows?

Oh the hu-manatee!

Socrates once said the love of pedagogy should inspire all those that teach to do so without compensation

He was later poisoned by the Greek Teachers Union

All those men who think that women belong in the kitchen,

Have no idea what to do with them in the bedroom.

To all those people calling Americans fat...

they dropped 21,600 pounds yesterday.

What was the name of that white girl’s Collie who went on all those adventures in Ethiopia between 1930 and 1974?

Haley's Lassie

I think the saddest part about all those crippled children getting picked on was that

I only did it because I knew they couldn't stand up for themselves

Daddy, what are all those cars' horns honking for?

It's for a wedding son.

I thought the horn was supposed to be only used as a warning.

Exactly son.

To all those people who said I would be an unfit parent, have you seen the little guy lately?

Cause that would be a big help, I seem to have misplaced him.

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You see all those houses over yonder son?

I built all those houses with my bare hands. But they don't call me Steve the house builder. You see that church? I built it with my bare hands. But do they call me Steve the church builder? No. You see that wall? I layed the stone down with my own two hands but do they call me Steve the wa...

All those car commercials that say "real people, not actors"

I agree, actors aren't real people.

For all those people that didn’t know that some Latin American countries don’t primarily speak Spanish...

You better Belize it.

All those people who think they know everything are such an annoyance..

..to those of us who actually do.

I know why all those Galaxy Note Sevens keep catching fire!

My mix tape comes pre-installed on them.

As a detective, I'd spent my entire career trying to decipher the code required to open a tamper-proof self-destructing brief case. When I finally cracked the code and looked inside all those years later, it was completely empty... I closed it and put it in my attic like all my other regrets.

It was an open and shut case.

It's spring in New England, so I bought a high quality bug zapper to help deal with all those pests, and I woke up to protests outside my house.

# Blackfliesmatter

I didn't think Miss Hilton could consume all those painkillers at once, but wow!

Paracetomol!

Can anybody help me figure out who hacked all those Yahoo accounts??

At least someone could remember my password.

You gotta think about all those April 1st birthdays...

Their birthday parties must be a joke!

To all those people that have ever talked about me behind my back...

You discussed me.

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Who needs all those spam emails? I finally found a way to make my penis 8 inches!

Just fold it in half.

Did you hear about the man that submitted all those entries to the pun contest?

He was hoping one would take first place, but no pun – in ten – did.

how do you call those guys who hang around with musicians all the time?

Drummers.

Reddit’s new API Costs

Yep that’s it. It’s going to price out all those apps you all use instead of the official one to read or post jokes. And I can tell you first hand, it is much tougher to copy and paste in official app.

Can we go black out on June 12-14?

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

A circus performer is driving home after a long day of training, when he is pulled over by a police officer for a broken light.

The officer looks in the car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.

“Sir,” he says, “Why do you have all those knives?”

“They're for my juggling act,” the circus performer replies.

“I don’t believe you,” says the cop. “Prove it.” So the performer gets out of his car an...

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Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the
porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"


Delighted, the girl quickly responded,
"How about $50?"

...

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Donald Trump

Donald Trump has labelled Hillary Clinton "disgusting" for taking a bathroom break during the debate. Trump himself never has to go to the bathroom, as the shit just comes straight out of his mouth.

 

Edit: Thanks to everyone that found this joke funny. To all those I offended...

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A woman and her 13 years old son were inside a Taxi.

A woman and her 13 years old son were inside a Taxi. It was raining and all the twilight girls (Prostitutes) were standing by the roadside.



The Boy asked; “Mummy, what are all those women doing?



His Mother replied; “They are waiting for their husbands to come back from ...

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It's a hot day at the end of summer, and ...

A man walks into a local ice cream parlor and looks at the menu and orders a single scoop of chocolate ice cream.


Employee: "Sorry, we're all out of chocolate ice cream today."


Customer: " Awhhh... well, okay." "Umm... lemme get a double scoop of chocolate ice cream." ...

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A female grocery store regular customer has a secret crush on the bag boy…

As she is having her items checked out, she glances at the bag boy and thinks, “I’ve got to say something. I’ve been feeling so attracted to him for months!”

The cashier totals out her haul, the lady pays, and as the last item is being bagged, she asks the bag boy: “would you kindly help me l...

A man dies and goes to heaven....

When he gets to heaven, he runs into Saint Peter. He also sees a bunch of clocks on the wall. “What are all those clocks for?” the man asked. “Well,” said Saint Peter, “Those clocks move every time someone lies, see that clock over there, that one belongs to Mother Teresa. It has never moved. “ “Wel...

I've just been fired from the clock making factory

after all those extra hours I put in.

Donald Trump somehow makes it to the Pearly Gates

After a long life, and a tumultuous presidency, Donald J Trump dies and arrives at the Gates of Heaven, where he sees a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asks an angel, "What are all those clocks?"

The angel answers, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time...

A mother and her young daughter were visiting New York City.

The mother was trying to hail a cab when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asked "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that co...

A Knife Juggler

A man was pulled over by a police officer.

As the officer approached the vehicle he noticed a large number of knives in the back seat. Looking at the driver he asked, "Sir, do you have a good reason for needing all those large knives?"

Smiling the driver said, "Why yes, I juggle them...

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