UPJOKE

All These Jokes

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On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, “What are all these buttons for?” He explained calmly...

“Those are to keep your shirt closed.”

What do all these Leonardo DiCaprio jokes have in common?

They’re all so childish..

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

I don't understand all these jokes about mothers-in-law.

Mine is sweet, supportive, and a great influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything bad about her.

All these people having threesomes, twosomes, and even the occasional foursomes

All I ever have are handsomes

All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh...

But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.

Who composes all these blonde jokes?

Brunettes do, during the lonely winter evenings.

All these people are so quick to criticize Melania Trump for wanting to take on cyber bullying when that's something her husband has a problem with

But no one criticized Laura Bush for wanting to teach kids how to read

I'm sick of all these bri'ish jokes...

I'm British and i love T.

I'm so sick of all these REPOSTS

For 25 years I have been working day and night to find the originator of the first joke. I think I may have found it in the original Hebrew Bible.

Adam spoketh to Eve and said, "Now see the mess thou has got us into. I should never have listened to you."

Eve replied, "How the hell was ...

I’m fed up with all these Chuck Norris jokes on this Sub!

If he’s such a tough badass, I dare him to come over here and smash my face against my keybhrbhdbvdggdvrvvhdhdbsbhdhebb

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I'm so tired of all these "historically" based movies and books that change the characters' skin color to pander to the masses

Like, what's up with this Jesus being white bullshit.

I can't stand all these negative horses

I've got no time for neigh sayers

I’ve got all these plane crash jokes…

…they just never seem to land.

All these jokes about Hamlet on top of a dictionary are getting tiresome

When it's just a play on words.

I'm getting sick of all these reboots of old classics

Cold War (2022) is not as good as the original.

All these jokes about Alabama but no one acknowledges their contributions, like inventing the toothbrush

At least I think it was Alabama. Anywhere else they’d have called it a teethbrush.

I love how all these young YouTubers are getting into Classic Rock.

They are always telling everyone “Don’t forget to like Cher, and subscribe.”

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After all these years, my wife still finds me sexy

Everytime I walk by, she says, "What an ASS"

Why are all these youtubers asking me to like Cher?

Is it her birthday or something?

I’m tired of all these jokes about Russia

It’s time you all Putin a bit more effort

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A propper pirate walks into a bar, wearing his pirate hat, eye patch, old guns by his hip, of course also a hook and all these kind of things. The barmaid asks him:

What the hell happened to you?! Why do you have a hook?! He replies: „Ah well its just one of these war stories, you know.. lost my hand in a fight.“
„Wow! And how did you get the eye patch?“ sais she.
„Oh, that is because seagull shit into my eye there once.“
The barmaid responds: „What?! ...

All these dating sites are terrible for your self esteem.

If I wanted to feel neglected I’d go sit with my wife.

Why did Mrs. Claus finally leave Santa after all these years?

She found out about his other two hos.

Why can’t the guy singing “Mambo No. 5” can’t decide between all these women?

Because Begas can’t be choosers.

I keep seeing all these LGBTQ+ Pride signs everywhere.

I ask people what they mean but can never get a straight answer.

I hate it when people make all these fat jokes to shame fat people

They have enough on their plate already

I’m sick and tired of all these mandates..

Any single women out there who’d like to go out for dinner?

I don’t get all these school shooting jokes

They must be aimed at a younger audience

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All these reviews people are leaving in the comment section of pornhub

I just hope there’s a pretentious ratatouille style porn critic who sees that one video that sends him back to his childhood when he developed his very first kink

I’m sick and tired of all these people farming karma on their cake day.

Anyways, an upvote would be appreciated.

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I'm sick of all these double standards... (NSFW)

When a dog licks his balls in public, nobody batts an eye... but when I do it, people are like "what the hell are you doing to your dog?"

All these new fancy 4K, 5K even 8K TVs, and here I am with no TV.

And that's 0K

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I absolutely love and admire the unintellignt, overweight, yellowish-orange skinned man with the bad combover covering his baldness who has had his finger on the nuclear button all these years...

Wait... I was talking about Homer Simpson, who did you think I meant?

After all these years I was finally able to hang my brother

s stocking on the mantle! Happy Holidays!

I went to a dance with one girl and came home with another- and there’s still resentment all these years later...

I said- “C’mon, Honey, there’ll be other, Daddy/Daughter dances!”

All these websites asking me to accept these cookies...

But I still haven’t gotten even one of them!

With all these Politicians testing Positive for COVID-19...

It looks like Trump kept his promise to drain the swamp.

Where are all these sheep getting their haircuts?

At the baa-baa shop

It’s been very weird to see all these people who clearly hate Trump say ‘we wish him well’.

I think a lot of them are just guilty that their first wish came true.

All these contagious people make me sick!

(trying to make sure I follow the rules, I just think it works better as a one liner)

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My girlfriend has been secretly recording me for years and now she’s blackmailing me into doing all these gross fetishes of hers

I just wish I had realized earlier because now she has a lot of shit on me

Dad, are we breaking the law by starting all these fires?

Yes, we arson.

So tired of all these restrictions...

I'm getting so tired of all these quarantine-related restrictions.

For example, I just found out today that when I'm in public the governor is requiring me to wear pants.

All these video games with epic orchestral music scores.

Those concerned mums were right, there's way too much violins in video games.

Reading all these jokes makes me go numb...

But reading mathematics-related jokes makes me go number

Let's take all these bad chemistry jokes

and barium

If I keep making all these cheesy puns

I'm gonna be provalone forever!

What are they going to call the baby boom 10-12 months after all these people lock themselves in to hide from Covid-19?

I don't know, but in 2033, they'll be quaranteens.

All these "Don't pay too much for [x]" Wikibuy/Honey ads are really convincing.

They convinced me to download Adblocker.

I'm getting sick of all these terrible jokes, and to be frank.....

I'd have to change my name

It's strange to see all these NASCAR fans upset with NASCAR for taking a progressive stance.

Normally they seem to like seeing things turning to the left.

Who are all these guys named Victor?

And why are we trusting them to write history?

We should have seen all these changes in NASCAR coming a mile away.

They're making a left turn!

All these singers dropping their new albums and songs.....

don't you think they oughta be a little careful the next time?

All these antivaxxer jokes on Reddit are getting old

Unlike the children

Oklahoma asked California about all these earthquakes recently.

California said "It's not our fault."

How do all these anti-Trump Youtube videos make it to Trending in a matter of minutes?

Fake views.

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Thought all these voices in my head meant I was crazy, but one of them is a therapist.

And he says I'm fine.

I hate all these PI days jokes

They go on forever.

I’m getting sick of all these stupid Republican jokes.

All 195 of them.

After all these years, I finally left my abusive relationship. I feel so relieved!

Now that I don't have to beat my girlfriend anymore, I have so much free time.

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I can't believe all these people complaining about going months without sex. I haven't had sex in almost 6 years!

On a happier note, happy 5th birthday to my little brother!

Sick and tired of all these entitled millennials

Walking around like they rent the place

I am tired of molding all these clay without any results..

I need a brick.

All these people posting about invading Area 51..

All they need to do is change the “restricted area” signs to “now hiring” and “now recruiting” and it’ll lower the numbers by at least half.

I don’t know why all these countries are ordering to ground the Boeing 737 max

They literally ground themselves

I can't believe all these viruses and bacteria invade my body without permission

Makes me sick

Out of all these modern construction tools...

I think the shovel is the most groundbreaking.

Got around to watching Doctor Who after all these years.

It was about time.

Im sick of all these immigration jokes

They're really crossing the line

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Jake : "My sex life isn't that bad, all considered. After all these years I still fuck my wife once a week".

Joe : "Not bad ! Bit after all these years I can't complain either, I still do it every second day".
Andy : "That's cool. Myself i'm really lucky I guess. After all that time i still do it twice a day".
Jake : "But, Andy ! what are you saying ? You don't even have a wife !"

Andy : "...

I hate hearing about all these climate strikes happening.

I, for one, am against hitting fragile things

I'm sick of all these passive-aggressive posts.

You know who you are.

Seeing all these drivers looking at their phones is so infuriating, how irresponsible can you be while driving?

Anytime I see one of them in traffic it totally kills my high.

You know how all these actresses are pulling out of Georgia over the abortion thing...





don't they know that isn't effective birth control?

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Dad: "Happy 18th son! All these presents are just for you!"

After ripping them open excitedly, he said "Dad, all these boxes are empty..."

"I know. Use them to pack your things and get the fuck out!"

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A woman goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, I'm concerned I'm growing a penis because of all these steroids that I've been taking"

Doctor says: "Anabolic?"
Woman: "No no, just a penis"

Please do not judge all these Catholic Priests for what you've been hearing...

They are all suffering from Porkin' sons Disease.

Who put all these mountains in California?

It wasn’t me, it was all San Andreas’ fault!

With all these reposts on r/Jokes...

Someone's bound to have reddit all!

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All these vagina jokes are getting old

I apologise if I'm ovary acting

One time, I took acid and saw all these lollipops coming out of the ground.

Then I chipped a tooth on a parking meter.

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I see all these prostate exam jokes...enjoy!

Prostate Exam

A man
goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as
a precaution.

When he gets there, he discovers the
urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female
doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new
pro...

I know how to stop all these riots.

Play the national anthem, they'll all sit down.

All these what?

Whenever a Jamaican women talks about "all these terrible shootings"

I'm never sure if they mean gun violence, or footwear accessories.

I asked a young girl, "How do you get all these expensive things? New iMac, iPad, iPhone?!"

She smiled and said, "iSwallow."

With all these celebrities getting outed for molesting kids, it's only a matter of time before Jackie Chan is exposed.

Like, do you have any idea how many times he told Jaden Smith to jacket off in the karate kid?

All these women-casted movie reboots

The studios behind the women-casted reboot movies must be making a fortune by cutting their labor costs by 30%

All these Muslims hitting people with cars...

If the men are this bad at driving, I see why they don't let their women drive.

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I was intrigued by finding out all these students were having sex with their teachers, so I decided to join the club.

It didn't occur to me until 3 weeks after I had sex with my teacher that I'm home schooled.....

I have no idea where all these trebuchet jokes came from

then it hit me from 300 meters away.

I have all these jokes about unemployed people...

But none of them work.

Look at all these click bait Jokes...

This one is the worst!

I don't get all these themed weddings you see now a days

My wife and I have just been invited to a Game of thrones themed wedding. Where the hell do I find 'formal chain mail'? And do you know how expensive it is staying in a castle!
My friend keeps telling me how much fun it's going to be. Think about what it's going to be like when everyone is dres...

All these celeb photos leaks...

I can't believe it's fappening again.

All these years of Nintendo thinking outside the box

Turns out they should've been thinking *about* the box!

Hey man, why do you have all these self help books on your floor?

I hate my shelf.

I was instructed to relocate all these boxes of letterhead. But I can't...

They're stationary.

I love "technically true" jokes, like:

If everybody in the world held hands around the equator, most of them would drown.

Or

Did you know that after all these years, the swimming pool on Titanic is still filled with water?

Or

There are more airplanes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.

What else ...

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With all these workplace sexual assault cases it makes me wonder.

How has Ron Jeremy gotten away with it all these years?

I don't get why all these people praise lawyers just for being U2 fans

Suddenly they're special for taking on Pro-Bono cases?

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