UPJOKE

All My Life Jokes

All my life I had wanted a Geiger counter but never knew why until I could finally afford one.

Then it clicked

All my life, I've always wanted to spank a rock

Then I hit rock bottom...

I have tried all my life multiplying really large numbers by zero.

That amounted to nothing.

All my life i thought air was free

Until i bought a bag of chips

Today I realized that I didn’t understand what “sunk cost fallacy” meant all my life.

Oh well, too late to do anything about it now.

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All my life, my parents have told me not to open the basement door, but I got curious and disobeyed them.

What is that glowing ball in the sky and why does it hurt my eyes?

I just gave all my life savings to the San Andreas foundation.

You might say I’m generous to a fault.

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All my life I was in love with one woman...

Her name was Susan. She had the most beautiful eyes, and the most gorgeous, flowing brown hair. We were friends and I had a crush on her all through high school. Then I got drafted to the service and lost contact with her. A few years later I had left the service and we eventually got back in contac...

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I want to be a virgin all my life

I want to set a good example for my kids

Im into both men and women but I’ve been single all my life.

Guess I’m just destined to be all bi-myself.

When I was little, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason!

So I've worked all my life to invent a time machine of my own, and I'm going back to when he was little and we'll see how he likes the taste of his own medicine.

All my life I've refused to wear perfume.

But then an aggressive perfume-salesperson knocked some scents into me.

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Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well. Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately. .

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed me. Now will you do things my way or do I need to see the ma...

They say lightning never strikes the same place twice, and I believed that all my life. So when I got struck by lightning for the 2nd time on the hill,

I was shocked

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over...

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Cancer!

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicin...

I've been a nun all my life, but recently I quit and began attending so many orgies that I can't even remember who's been there.

I just don't know what's gotten into me lately.

I've lived in the Northeastern U.S. all my life but I haven't felt anything this cold for this long

Since my marriage to my first wife

My bud Erik introduced me to his beautiful Indian friend, Monica. Being a nerd all my life, I thought I'd impress her with my typing speed. I wrote 70 words in a minute, and she was still unimpressed

Erik told me it was not her type

For all my life my dad kept messing with the ledge above the fire place, lengthening it, shortening it, sanding it, painting it. But he died last week. After I got home from the funeral I compulsively got my tools out and raised it six inches higher ...

... I guess you could say I’ve taken up his mantel.

My grandfather once told me 'When i was your age, I thought I was going to be 10 all my life too.

So I said 'And when I was your age, I didn't believe in reincarnation either'.

A horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar and does a sommersault, a cartwheel and finally backflips onto a barstool.
The bartender asks him: "Wow! How did you do that?" The horse answers: "Well, I've worked in the circus for all my life, so that's how." The barman nods approvingly and gives the horse a free drink...

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I asked this beautiful young lady in the bar last night where she had been all my life

She looked me over, and replied "Well, for the first half of it, I hadn't been born yet".

Then I told her I really wanted to get into her pants, and she said "I don't know why, I already have one asshole in there".

I tell ya I get no respect, no respect at all

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After a consultation, the doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require castration.

You see, your testicles seem to be pressing on your spine and the pressure creates one heck of a headache.

I can relieve the pressure by removing the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to l...

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Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.

The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch.

The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for...

Jack, a renown atheist, dies...

... and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, ...

A bus full of ugly people unexpectedly crashes and kills everyone on board

Everyone shows up at the Gates of Heaven where God comes to meet them all Himself.

"Gee guys, I didn't intend for that to happen, I'm really sorry. I can't just resurrect you all, but to make up for it I'll grant you all one wish before I let you in."

The first person steps up and thin...

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A guys goes in a confessional

Guy: Father, I've been a family man all my life. I've been married 53 years to the woman I have loved from the first time I saw her. She's the first woman I have been with, we have 3 great children, all grown up now, 5 grandchildren, the light of my eyes. I've been happy, I have lived a perfect life...

(Old joke) A Polish man is in the bread line

A guy pops his head out and says, "sorry, but we are out of bread." The Pole in line begins shouting: "I have lived in this country all my life! I have lived my life for Communism! Now I have no bread after waiting in line for 2 hours! What were we fighting for? Communism sucks! I hate this country!...

A cat died and went to Heaven

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”

The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a...

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a fligh...

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A man is walking down the beach..

A man is walking down the beach and sees an armless legless woman sitting and crying so he goes up to her and asks what's the matter. "All my life I've never been kissed," she says, so he kisses her, but she continues to cry. He asks again what's wrong and she replies, "All my life I've never been f...

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