UPJOKE

All I Want Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a preteen, all I wanted was a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I ...

This was the year I got all I wanted: a girlfriend, a steady job, and many new friends. All I could want for the next year is...

to be able to post this in a different sub.

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday and she said "All I want is a nice card..."

"...with a $100,000 limit".

all I wanted for Christmas

So a friend asked me if I got what I wanted for Christmas. I told him no and explain that I told my wife when she asked me what I wanted it was simple and wouldn't cost her anything I would give her everything she needed to complete the job. The only thing she had to worry about was possibly cleanin...

I am a man who loves to give women breakfast in bed. All I want to receive in return is a simple "Thank you!"...

...not "Who are you?", "How did you get in here?", and "I'll call the police!"

All I want from my job is to be able to put food on the table.

I'm a waiter.

All I wanted to do was donate organs, but the hospital were being awkward about it.

They kept asking me where I got them and threatened to call the police.

If I make you breakfast in bed all I want is a simple “thank you”

None of this “how’d you get in my house business”

*Not an original joke but I love it and wanted to share*

When I make Breakfast all I want is a "Thank You",

Not "Who are you and how did you get into my house‽"

All I want to say about 2017...

...is that it was an odd year.

I asked my friend what gift I should get him. He said, "All I want for Christmas is my one front tooth."

Man, Tom Cruise is so easy to shop for.

All I wanted was to relax while on my period...

...it was a bloodbath.

I once had a girlfriend who was obsessed with Sylvester Stallone movies, but at the time all I wanted to watch was Arnold Schwarzenegger. We'd argue frequently, but in the end she'd always win out.

Needless to say... It was a Rocky relationship.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sexy girl has moved in next door to me. All I want to know is, how long should I wait...

Until I go over there and tell her that I'm married.

This past Christmas I told my wife that all I wanted for Christmas was an Xbox.

That's it. Beginning and end of the list; Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of our wedding. That was fine, because I got her an Xbox.

Dear Santa -- For 2017, all I want is a SLIM body and a BIG FAT bank account.

Please don't mix it up like last year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A billionaire hires a painter of murals to come to his mansion…

…when he gets there, he calls the painter in into a large room and shows him a plain white wall that’s 20 feet high and 50 feet across. He says to the guy, “I’ve always been fascinated by General Custer so on this wall I want you paint your interpretation of Custer’s last stand. I’m going out of tow...

The furniture store keeps calling me back.....

But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

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