UPJOKE

All About Jokes

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Life is all about perspective. Take my friend for example...

...The guy has sex at least twice a week. He works out like everyday. He reads a book at least every few days... but the guy is constantly complaining to me about hiw bad prison is.

Life is all about perspective.

The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

I'm still confused what Pride Month is all about...

I tried googling for it but couldn't get a straight answer.

I've been a father for three years and it's been a wonderful experience. I've learnt all about responsibility.

But my son just keeps moaning "it's too late now" and "I'm 26 years old".

I wanted to tell you all about this concept called nihilism.

But eh- it doesn’t matter.

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All about stress

Tits - natural anti-stress balls! The irony is that they come attached to the most effective thing to create stress!

Wife: “Honey let’s play a game?” Husband: “Ok, what is the game all about?”

Wife: "If I mention a country, you will run to the left side of the room and touch the wall. And if I mention a bird you will run to the right side of the room and touch the wall. If you run to the wrong direction, you will give me all your salary for the month."

Husband: "Ok and if you fail,...

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A Jew walks into a church to see what it's all about

Before the pastor begins his sermon he exclaims: "Jews are not welcomed in this church! All Jews must leave immediately".

The Jew gets up, walks to the podium on which is standing a magnificent statue of Jesus, picks it up and says: "come on Yossle we are not welcomed here"

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Next time you’re feeling down remember life is all about perspective

I have a friend who has sex 2-3x a day, exercises twice a day, reads two books a week yet every day he complains about how much he hates prison

Every day after work, my girlfriend likes to come home and tell me all about her day. And when she does that, I like to hold her hand.

Cause she's deaf, and that way she can't talk anymore.

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A classroom of kids were learning all about common English proverbs. (LONG)

The teacher asked if anyone had a proverb they could talk about - the kids all put their hands up, including Little Johhny at the back. But the teacher chose Susie: "What's your story, Susie?"

"Well, Miss, my dad jumped into a creek and broke his leg on a big branch just under the water!"...

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I came home from a night out, saw my Dad sat on the sofa. Smiling I said 'last night I lost my virginity' he was delighted! Tapped the sofa and said 'You're a man now son, tell me all about it ....'

I said 'I can't Dad, my arse is killing me'

An american comes back to the old country and is trying to explain his childhood friend what america is all about. "I jump in my truck in the morning and drive all day, and by night I still have not reached the other side of my farm"

"I know, I got a car just like that"

Jose came back from his first trip to the U.S. and was very excited and wanted to tell his family all about it.

"What did you do?" asked his brother.

"I went to a Yankee baseball game. It was great!"

"Were the people nice to you?" asked his mother.

"Mama, they couldn't have been nicer. Before the game started, everyone stood up and asked me 'Jose can you see?'"

It's all about grip

Why don't witches wear panties?

Better grip on the broom!

A man over heard my conversation about GameStop stock and asked me what‘a this fuss all about?

I said, “Do you want the long or the short story?”

Today I learned all about the orbicularis oculi muscles.

Quite the eye opener I tell ya

It’s all about how you perceive things

Friend told me this one,

Telling your wife’s parents that you are blowing loads into her every night is gross and weird but telling them you are trying for a baby is totally acceptable

The next song is all about subtractions...

Take it away boys.

I want to tell you all about the relationship between electromagnetism and light

but I realize that will have me talking Faraday or two.

I found a book today that's all about selling your personal data for nefarious use

Facebook

So my friend Mike was telling me all about the car that he made out of wood...

I couldn't believe it, all wood!

Wooden door...

Wooden seats...

Wooden engine...

Wooden bloody work...

If being American is all about being free

Then our healthcare is very foreign

(Sorry for bad joke)

Today my wife showed me all about the 50 Shades of Gray.

Then we picked one. Now I have to paint the bedroom.

Since reddit has been all about native americans lately..

An Indian and a cowboy are walking through the prairie one day.
The Indian stops and puts his ear to the ground and says "ah, buffalo come."
In which the cowboy replies:
"Dang, you can tell that from stickin yer ear to the ground?"
Indian says:
"No. Ear sticky."

This year is all about noticing things we should’ve done differently. Should’ve done more to stop the spread of the virus, police brutality, wildfires, climate change...but you know what they say about hindsight...

It’s 2020.

I met this really short man called Peter the other day. He's a baker and he was telling me all about baking flat breads...

It was fascinating....

I love the pitta patter of tiny Pete.

I wanted to tell you all about a color I made up.....

but, as it turns out, it was just a pigment of my imagination.

I read a book all about Stockholm syndrome.

Man it was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kind of liked it.

Me: Being a great artist is all about finding the right medium.

The 5th psychic I’ve been to today: judging by your work here, I see disappointment in your future.

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A product manager was asked by his son about his work. The father says, "My job is all about the difference between theory and practice." The child didn't understand, so the father said, "Let me give you an example:"

"Go ask your sister if she'd sleep with the neighbor for £1M". Kid goes, returns & says "she's not too happy to but she will for times are tough."

Then the father said: "Now go ask your mom that question" so the child goes, returns and says: "Mom's is not too happy to sleep with the neigh...

Its all about the Spirit!

Only 20 people are allowed during a funeral as the spirit has already left the body.
1000 people are allowed in long queues at a liquor shop as the spirit is still in the bottle.

Timmy loved tractors. His life was all about tractors.

Timmy loved tractors. His life was all about tractors. Tractor bedspread, tractor themed birthday parties, tractor t-shirts, school bags, lunchbox, everything Timmy owned was tractor themed in some way. He knew everything there was to know about tractors; big, small, new, old, he knew it all. When h...

A Young man comes home from boot camp is telling his dad all about it...

...He proceeds to tell him about the part of boot camp where they learn to jump out of a plane.

The son says, "Everyone was jumping out of the plane but I was too scared so I just held onto the door. We had a big, black drill sergeant that was screaming at me to jump but I just couldn't do i...

I made a rap song all about soap.

It’s fine, the lyrics are clean.

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It’s all about the dress codes.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a ...

A husband walks into the bedroom, is shocked by what he sees and shouts, "Oh my God Carol, no!" She explains, "But I told you all about us." He cried, "I thought you said you were doing YOGA!"

"Embarrassing this is."

I made an Undertale comic, but it’s all about sans

Well, I guess, you can call it Comic Sans

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The interactive Netflix film Bandersnatch was so successful, they're creating another interactive film all about Donald Trump.

It's called Grabbed-her-snatch.

This morning was all about Shakespeare. This afternoon it's all about his poetry.

Things are going from Bard to Verse



*^(Credit to my mate, Martin)*

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When it comes to sex it's all about quality over quantity.

Which is why I never watch the stuff that isn't HD.

Marriage is all about making compromises.

For example, my wife wanted to paint our house blue and I wanted to paint our house red.

So as a compromise, we decided to paint our house blue.

I've just been reading a book all about lubricant...

It's a fantastic piece of non-friction.

All about the delivery

'Why did the chicken cross the road...To get to the ugly persons house'

Person looks baffled whilst you have a giggle...

'You don't get it?! Never mind, anyway I've got another...knock knock'

Who's there?

Chicken...

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When it comes to sex, it's all about quality over quantity.

That's why I'm always on top of my wife.

I know all about it.

One day little timmy overheard a conversation on the bus where a man was telling his friend how he would get his wife to tell him whatever he wanted by saying "i know all about it"

Taking the knowledge of these words little timmy went home and was
greeted by his mother, to which he said ...

Everybody is all about "May the fourth be with you" because of Star Wars.

Meanwhile people with a lisp are complaining, "you bathtardth, we've been thayin it the thame way for yearth and nobody hath ever done thit for uth!!!!"

Since a good joke is all about the delivery, I can tell you one about anything!

Except abortion

There is a bible book all about beer...

Its called Hebrews

In a recent interview, Mark Zuckerburg's wife stated she wasn't bothered at all about being married to a lizard person.

But rather, she only took issue when Mark would drink heavily and behave erratically, calling it a reptile dysfunction.

They say that jokes are all about the delivery

I think that is codswallop because no one finds FedEx or DHL funny.

Life isn't all about laundry detergent...

It's what's in Tide that counts!

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A man, a woman, and a dog are all about to go over the edge of a canyon in a car.

The man and woman get into a heated argument about bad driving, and whose fault this is.
The argument is cut short by the car's horn beeping repeatedly while the dog barks excessively. Glaring at the woman, the man bitterly complains, "Well it doesn't fucking matter, we're about to die anyway. Bu...

Three women- a blond, a brunette, and a red head, are all about to be executed by ISIS

The red head was up first. Right before she was going to be executed she yelled, “TORNADO!” All of the ISIS members took cover and she escaped. The brunette was the next in line. She followed in the red-head’s footprints and this time screamed “SANDSTORM!” The gullible ISIS members again ducked for ...

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Religion is all about who you DON'T recognize.....

Jews don't recognize Jesus as the son of God, Protestants don't recognize the Pope, and Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.

Marriage is all about compromise

My wife wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and got a cat!

Kansas, Colorado, New Mexico, and Texas are all about to Outlaw Interstate Begging

These four states are all against the Oklahoma panhandle.

My summer camp, which was all about focus and blocking out distractions, did really poorly this year

Apparently no one wants to go to a concentration camp

My friend asked what my wifes obsession with North America is all about

I'm not sure, but I said Alaska.

TIL there's a show all about the stupid stuff Donald Trump has done, or is going to do

It's called "The News"

Telling jokes is all about delivery.

Not DiGiorno.

You think you know all about fractions...

But you don't know the half of it.

Mum has told her little girl all about the making of babies.

Little Annie is now silent for a while.
"You understand it now?" Mum asks.
"Yes," replies her daughter.
"Do you still have any questions?"
"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"
"In exactly the same way as with babies."
"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTH...

I hired a guy to teach me all about the dark web.

He was just my tormentor.

So, there's this book all about watches.

It tells you about the history of watches, how they work, all sorts of things. It's coming out tomorrow.


It's about time.

"Honestly son, it's all about separation of the whites and the colored with some strategic hanging thrown in...

Other than that, there's not really much more I can teach you about doing laundry."

"Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop
together. After the man received the full treatment:
shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. he
placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm going to buy a
green tie to wear for the parade," he said.
"I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy'...

Is fashion all about clothes?

Apparelently.

It's All About Marketing...;)

A substitute teacher walks into the classroom on the blackboard she sees a message. It says, "Little Johhny, has got the biggest tool, in the whole damn school!"

She yells, "Whose Little Johhny?"

A kid in the back stands up and says, "I'm Little Johhny."

"Well, Johhny, your s...

Being from the South, my mother was all about hospitality! Cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry and even foot rubs!

She made me do it all.

I was in a new IT themed restaurant the other day...

When I walked in I could see the place decorated like the inside of a computer. The tables looked like motherboards, the placemats looked like keyboards, and the glasses looked like giant USB sticks. The host was there to greet me and he was dressed in the usual "nerd" attire - glasses, pocket prote...

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A man was working at the post office.

One day, a letter came with no address. It was addressed to God. He decided he would open it to see what it said. The letter read:

Dear God, I am an 80 year old widow, and I earn a very small pension. My purse got stolen yesterday. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my nex...

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Jewish friend sent this to me

A jewish guy sends his son to Israel, and he comes back home christian. The man thinks this is odd so he tells his friend about it.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel when he was Jewish and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them wen...

My wife was in the kitchen wearing only the t-shirt she slept in...

... preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me right now! Right here!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
...

Rip off

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled! "
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page.
Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being sw...

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.


Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.


The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particul...

I wore glasses to my job interview

Because getting a good job is all about optics.

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Are pirates ass men or tit men

Ass men. It’s all about the quality of the booty, not the size of the chest.

Came up with this a few months ago and keep forgetting to post it.

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