UPJOKE

Ah Ha Jokes

A man saw a gorgeous flight attendant sitting alone reading the paper in an international airport.

He couldn’t quite pin down the exact airline, but he wanted to show off as a man of the world. He tried by saying Air France’s old motto. ‘Making the sky the best place on earth!’ The stewardess gave him the side eye but otherwise ignored him. Undeterred, he tried Singapore Airlines’. ‘A great way t...

Jesus and Moses in Heaven

One beautiful day in Heaven, Jesus and Moses were fishing in a lake. After a while of silence, Jesus asked Moses, "Hey Moses, can you still do it? You know... 'Your thing'?" Moses then answered, "I don't know, let me see if I still got it!"

He then stood up and drew his arms forwards, and the...

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An Italian sniper and a Greek sniper...

An Italian sniper and a Greek sniper are perched in a tower overlooking the city of Nancy in France during World War 2. They have been lying down, silently staring down the scopes of their rifles for what surely felt like weeks at that point, and after a few hours of inactivity, the Greek sniper sud...

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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

A man is in court for murder

So a man is in court and is suspected of murder. His defense lawyer is at the last legs of his argument. In one final attempt, he says to the court

"In ten seconds the man my client is suspected of murdering will walk into the courtroom completely unharmed".

The defense lawyer counts...

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A man is alone in an airport lounge…

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides, because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.

Because her jacket is folded neatly beside her he can’t see any logos so he decides to have a go a...

Boris Johnson is sitting on a train

Not wishing to discuss PartyGate with anyone, he finds a reserved but empty compartment. He is soon joined by an outing of patients from an institution.
Their minder began a headcount. ‘One, two, three, four…’ when he came to Johnson.
‘Who are you?’ said the minder.
‘I’m the prime minist...

One of my favorites

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What ...

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[NSFL] The sickest joke I've ever heard.

I warned every one.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He claims the bartender that he could eat literally anything without throwing up for $100. So the bartender pulls a rotted old sausage out of the garage, and the grabs it and eats it up. "Okay, double or nothing, what do you suggest" ...

WAITER: "Yes, is there something wrong?"

WAITER: "Yes, sir, is there something wrong?"


CUSTOMER: "The soup. Taste it."


WAITER: "I beg your pardon, Sir?"


CUSTOMER: "Taste it."


WAITER: "But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."


CUSTOMER: "Taste it."


WAITER: "Sir,...

Whenever I see an Astronomy discovery it reminds me of this joke

An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician were on the train from London to Edinburgh, as they passed the Scottish border they saw a black sheep.

'Ah ha' said the astronomer 'from that I can deduce that in Scotland all sheep are black'

'No' said the physicist 'we can deduce that in...

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Pierre the French Aviator

Pierre the French Aviator was dashingly handsome and quite the ladies man. He went out one night and met a beautiful lady and seduced her. They went back to his place where things started to progress...

*"Oh Pierre! Pierre? Won't you kiss me?"* asked the woman.

(In thick French accent)...

A magicians last trick

A magician stood in front of a crowd. "For this last trick I will make myself appear in 100 different places around this very room" said the magician. The crowd watched in disbelief. "3...2...1...abracadabra". Yet the magician was still there. "Hmm let me try that again 3...2...1...abracadabra". Not...

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My favorite Jewish joke

An old Jewish man walks into a restaurant with a craving for borscht.

He sits down at his table, motions the waiter and orders a big bowl of borscht. Not long after that, a steaming bowl is placed in front him. But as the waiter is walking away, the old jew quickly calls him back to his tabl...

What does a scientist take to freshen their breath?

Experi-mints! AH HA!

A man is convinced that his wife is seeing other men.

He questions her about it, and she denies her guilt, but he is adamant that he will catch her. A few days later the man goes off to work, and as soon as he leaves, her current lover slips in the back door. The man doesn't notice that when he took off his jacket, one of his cigars fell out of his poc...

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A man is driving down a road and sees a peach stand thats says “peaches in all flavors”

Curious by the stand’s name, he turns around to stop by. As he aproaches the stand he asks,

Man: “do you really sell peaches in all flavors”

Peach Vendor: “I sure do! What kind would you like?”

Man: “Ok well give me a peach that tastes exactly like an orange”

Peach vendor...

The Genie

An old Jew, who owned an antique shop, was in the back room one day looking for pieces to put out front. As he worked, he picked up an old oil lamp, and began polishing it with his rag. As he worked, a giant Genie popped out and announced "You have released me from my prison! For this, I will gra...

A Hundred Dollar Story

An Indian tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotic, he notices a very lifelike, Life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, But is so striking he decides he must have it.
He takes it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?" "Twelve dollars...

A horse farmer walks into a bar looking depressed

The bartender says hey what's the matter?
The horse farmer says
"I have these two horses and I just can't for the life of me tell them apart"
The bartender tells the horse farmer to weigh his horses, so he goes home and does so. He returns the next day with a long face once more, and says ...

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So Jeremy Corbyn went to see the Queen.

Jeremy Corbyn asked the Queen. "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient organisation? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well." Said the Queen. "The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Jeremy Corbyn then asked. "But how do I know if the peo...

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