UPJOKE

After Work Jokes

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After work, a man gets pulled over by a cop.

The policeman approaches the drivers' door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost i...

My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work.

She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?"
I replied, "Certainly," and took it off.
Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well.
Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too.
Then she looked at me and...

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A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered.

She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to...

After work, I volunteer to help blind children

By the way: Verb, not adjective

The cleaning lady at my office invited me to go smoke weed after work, but I told her no

I made a commitment to myself to avoid high maintenance women

Why was the keyboard exhausted after work?

Because it had two shifts.

A man and his wife retire after working at their respective jobs for 40+ years and settle on a nice ranch out in the country

The wife asks if she can adopt a cat since all of their kids have grown and moved on, so she was having some empty nest syndromes going on

The husband agrees and they adopt a cat from the local shelter

And this woman adored the cat, lavishing all kinds of love onto the animal

Un...

I rang the wife last night after work to say I'd pick up fish and chips on the way home.

I was met with a stoney silence. Something tells me that she's beginning to regret letting me name the twins.

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Its Friday after work and Joe's co-worker wants to go get some beers.

"No way" says Joe. "Last time I came home drunk, my wife was so upset she said she would leave me if I ever get wasted again."

"Cmon" says the co-worker. "Drinks are on me" And after a little more coercing, Joe finally gives in and goes out drinking with his buddy.

They stay until ...

A man walks in through the front door after work

and his wife immediately starts smacking him, left and right across the face, cursing.

"Woah woah woah...what gives?!?" the man says.

The smacking intensifies briefly, and then she let's up.

"I picked up your coat from the dry cleaners earlier today, and found THIS in the pocke...

I went for drinks after work with my boss

After a few beers we were feeling pretty good.

I asked how do I get ahead? It must be effortless for you.

He said, yeah it's easy for me. I just ask my secretary whenever I want it.

I looked confused and asked what he meant?

He said ohhhh wait.. You asked how do you get "...

A group of colleagues go for a night out after work in Singapore...

They join a queue for a nightclub and get chatting to the bouncer.

"So where are you lads from?"

One of the friends replies

"Well I'm from here in Singapore, but my friends are all visiting on business. Kwok and Hung are from Malaysia, Minh is from Vietnam, Liu is from Taiwan, G...

Bill and Bob met at the local bar after work.



Bob said to Bill, "So you were going to propose to Lisa yesterday evening. Are congratulations in order?"

Bill said, "Not yet. They'll have to wait."

Bob asked, "How long?"

"It could be a while," replied Bill, "she said I'm the last person she'll marry."

Where do trumpet players hang out after work?

Hornpub

Where do Mechanics go after work?

The universal joint

What do computer programmers do after work?

They go out and grab a byte.

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Three psychiatrists are having a drink after work, talking about their newest patients.

The first one says, “My most recent patient works as a telemarketer. She has a lot of hang ups.”

The second one added, “I have a new patient who works at the sewage treatment plant. He’s into a lot of crazy shit.”

The third one is silent, but after some prodding says “We’ll, I can’t ...

Clark Kent looked ill when I invited him to our Bitcoin trading party after work.

I wonder if he has an aversion to Crypto Night.

I came home the other night after work...

... and my wife called down from upstairs:

"Honey, it's your 65th birthday... come upstairs and make love to me."

I replied:

"That's great dear, but you'll have to pick one."

One of the janitor ladies at my work wanted to smoke a joint after work

I politely declined, I can't handle high maintenance women

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A Guy takes his best mate home one day after work.

His wife screams,"You fucking dickhead, my hair and make-up are a mess, the house is a tip, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my night dress, I can't be bothered to cook and it's my time of the month!. Why the fuck did you bring him home?. The husband replies "Because he was thinking of getting m...

Jeff Bezos is informed about the passing away of a warehouse worker on a Sunday after working continuously for 12 hours leaving behind a wife and 2 young kids

“Let’s make sure his hard work and sacrifice are not wasted....”

Jeff Bezos orders his subordinates

“Find someone who can finish the remaining 2 hours of his shift”

Where do suicide bombers go after work?

Everywhere!

I hopped in a cab after work and said to the cabbie

"My wife won't put out any more. Take me somewhere I can get an easy chick that won't say no"

10 minutes later he dropped me off at my house and said

"Just tell her Larry sent you"

Why did the perfumer go out for a drink after work?

Because he didn't want to drink cologne.

Two chemists walk into a restaurant after work

Two chemists walk into a restaurant after work, they sit down at there table and order drinks. The first chemist says, "I will have some H20", the second chemist says, "I will have a glass of water, and dude why are you referring to it so strangely, we aren't at work anymore."

The first chemi...

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A husband comes home after work.

When he walk into the house, he shouts, “Honey! I got you some aspirin!”

The wife shouts back,
“But I don’t have a headache!”

The husband responds,
“Well lets have sex”.

A man comes home exhausted after work

He settle into the couch, turns on the TV, and then tells his wife: "Quick!! Give me a beer. It's about to start!!!"

She hands him a beer. 5 minutes later he yells: "Get me another beer!! It's almost started!!" She brings him another beer. After another 5 minutes he yells: "Get me another be...

A man comes home after work, limping.

His wife looks at him, concerned. "What happened to your leg?"
"Oh, I got into a fender bender."
"What? So you got hurt in the crash?"
"Not exactly. You see, when the driver of the other car got out, it turns out he was a dwarf. He yelled,
'I AM NOT HAPPY.''
"But what does ...

My wife always meets me at the front door after work in her underwear.

She's the one coming home from work.

Me: Would you like to join us for some beers after work?

Coworker: No, my Faith doesn’t allow that.

Me: Oh sorry, are you a Christian?

Coworker: Yes, but Faith is my wife’s name.

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Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill

and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. Th...

The 7 Dwarfs are having their after work drink

And in walks the Pope for a nightly glass of wine. Dopey walks up to the Pope and tugs on his robes...the Pope looks down at Dopey and asks what he wants. Dopey says...Mr. Pope Sir, can I ask you a question? The Pope says yes...so Dopey asks if there are any small sized Nuns in the Vatican? And the ...

Where do scuba divers go to relax after work?

Dive bars.

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A businessman is convinced by a work colleague to go out for a drink after work... 'OK, but just the one mind you, my wife gets terribly upset if I come home drunk!'

After a couple in the pub near the office he is talked into heading up town for some more drinks. At each new round of drinks he mentions that he shouldn't drink any more or his wife will make his life hell!


Finally they decide that they've had enough to drink and head for the train stati...

What do me and a beer after work have in common?

WE GET DRUUUUUUUNK

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What pain does a jet pilot have after working out?

Afterburners




(That has got to be the shittiest jokeI have ever made)

Getting a drink after work

2 airline mechanics get off work at LaGuardia airport. One says to the other let's go get some drinks. The other agrees, but says "Let's try drinking jet fuel." "I hear tastes just like whiskey and there's no nasty hangover." The other agrees and they drink about quart a piece. Afterwards they go h...

My coworker asked me if I wanted to crack open a cold one after work.

And that’s how I learned he was a necrophiliac.

My favorite thing to do after work

Is look for a better job.

Why was the computer stressed after work?

Because it had a hard drive.

How did the T-Rex feel after working out? [OC]

Dino-sore

A construction worker walks into a bar, and orders a “stiff drink” after work.

5 minutes later, the bartender brings him a glass filled to the brim with cement.

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a civil engineer were having a drink after work

As they drank, the conversation turned to God. Obviously, he was an engineer! But what sort of engineer?

The mechanical engineer brought up the perfection of the human joints and musculature. Surely that proved God was a mechanical engineer!

The electrical engineer responded that, wi...

Two scientists walk into a bar after work...

As they both take their seats at the bar, the first scientist says to the bartender, "I'll have a glass of H2O."

The second scientist shakes his head and says, "I'll have a glass of water too." He then pauses and turns to the first scientist. "Wh... why did you say H2O? I mean, I know that'...

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An electrician comes home to his wife after working a job at a millionaires house...

He says to his wife “honey you will not believe this, the house I worked at today had a golden toilet.”

She says “Really? I need to see this.”

They take a ride across the neighborhood and pull up in front of a huge house.

The electrician knocks on the door, a woman answers and ...

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Three co-workers stopped for a drink after work on Christmas Eve

One drink led to another, and they progressed to some serious partying. Later in the evening, they were on their way to another spot when their drunken driver crashed the car, killing them instantly.

The three find themselves in front of the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter. He tells ...

A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news.

A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.

The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!" Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned.

The redhead said, “I can’t take this, you...

A wife comes home after work...

After a long day at work, a wife comes home tired. She takes a shower and walks into her bedroom. Instead of seeing her husband's one pair of legs sticking out from under the blanket, she sees two. She takes a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket. After this she goes downstairs for some water...

I walked through the front door after work and our parrot said "Don't tell my husband", which I thought was rather peculiar.

So I walked upstairs to my wife, whose lipstick was smudged, her skirt a mess, and face covered in sweat.

"Everything ok?" she asked, flustered.

"Honey," I said, "I've got a question to ask you..."

"Yes! Sure!" she panicked, straightening her clothes, "What is it?"

I said...

After working as a florist for a year, today I got fired.

They said I took too many leaves.

What do Hong Kong police like to do after work ...?

Keep on Clubbing ..

What did the dog say after working out?

That was Ruff!

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A few guys always used to meet up on Fridays after work for a drink.

One Friday, Pete showed up late, sat down forlornly at the bar and knocked back his first beer in one gulp.

‘You OK?’ asked Bill, another of the gang.

‘Not really,’ sighed Pete. ‘This morning my wife told me that she’s rationing our sex life – she’s cutting me back to just once a week....

I was so tried today after working at the giant keyboard factory..

I put in a big shift

Two electrician friends meet at the hardware store after work

and chat about LED fixtures and other areas of illuminating rooms for a few hours. When the one electrician returns home to his wife that asks what took so long, he replies

"Me and my friend were just having a light conversation at the store."

A man goes to have drinks with his buddies after work

As the night went on, someone put a glass on his chair, he sat on it and they all laughed and laughed. Finally he goes home at 3 AM, and quietly opens the door. He realizes he needs to take care of his cuts, gets a box of bandaids, and carefully applies them in front of the hall mirror. The next m...

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A man goes to a bar after work one evening.

A man goes to a bar after work one evening. He sees another man having a drink and after a while they get to talking. At about 10:30 PM the first man says, "Oh well, I better get home. My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night."




The second man replies, "Ill help you o...

Heading to Chinatown after work...

I heard it's Erection Day.

A man brings his buddy home for dinner unannounced at 6:30 after work.

His wife screams at him as his friend listens in: “My hair and make up are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I’m still in my pajamas, and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?!”

The husband says: “Because he’s thinking of get...

Every day after work, my girlfriend likes to come home and tell me all about her day. And when she does that, I like to hold her hand.

Cause she's deaf, and that way she can't talk anymore.

After working for 24 hours straight...

I called it a day.

Husband: Babe, after work I had an accident.

Sabrina took me to the hospital. After various tests, they said I was in a bad state with cervical dislocation, multiple facial injuries. Also, they will have to amputate my right leg.

Wife: Who is Sabrina?

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A woman (mom) was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after work one night,

when the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever seen entered.

He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful, sparkling green eyes,

and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous that the woman could not help but stare.

Th...

A doctor gets a chestnut dacquiri every day after work at the bar across the street.

He's been doing this for a couple of years at this point, and so the bartender, Jim, knows him. He forgot the man's name so at this point he just calls him "doc". In fact the doctor has been doing this for so long at the same time every day that the bartender prepares the dacquiri before he gets the...

What did the Swiss man do after working 35 years as a Pepsi taste tester?

Peeecolaaa

I'm delighted to say that after working so hard these past few months, all the recognition I deserve

Will go to my boss

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Two business-types go drinking after work..

First guy says to the second "Man, I cannot get shit-faced tonight, my wife will kill me". They start off with beers, move on to mixed drinks and next thing you know, they're pounding tequila shots. First guy has had enough, runs to the bathroom and promptly pukes all over the place. He comes bac...

Abdul was going through bit of a rough patch in his marriage.

So after work, he decided to pay his Imam a visit.

He said "I have been going through some problems with my wife, she seems like she is always angry at me, what do I do?"

The Imam replied "You should spend more time with your wife, appreciate her role in your life, maybe praise her co...

Me and a colleague had been hanging out at a bar after work a few times.

We always had a good time, talking about stuff "man-to-man" and all that.

One day I asked if he'd like to come over to my house for dinner sometime. He freaked out and said that he wasn't "like that" and promptly left.

I was left standing in shock. I had no idea he was a homeophobe.

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A man that works in a pickle factory walked into his local pub after work wearing a hospital wristband. "Did you have an accident at work today?" the barkeep asked. "Yes, I put my penis in the pickle slicer," the man replied...

"Her husband caught us"

Two chemists are hanging out at a bar after work...

One gets up to go home and says "future copper". Puzzled, the other gazes back for a moment before the first clarifies, "Cu later"

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A guy is in a bar after work getting drunk when he throws up on himself.

He says to the bartender "*what am I going to do? My wife says if i came home drunk one more time she was kicking me out!"*

Bartender says, *"No worries, seen this before. Take $20 out of your wallet, put it in your jacket pocket. Tell your wife you were just having a couple of drinks, that's...

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Jim decided to go drinking after work instead of...

...going home to his wife.

A few hours, and cocktails, went by. He struck up a conversation with a nice looking female. Libations took the conversation where it probably shouldn't have gone, and they ended up leaving together.

They wound up at her place. Of course, one thing lead to an...

Three Irish fellows would meet at a bar every day after work for a pint of Guinness and a shot of Jameson.

Same time everyday at the same bar. This went on for years and as time went on the bond between these three men grew into something like a brotherhood.

Then one day as they were having their after work drinks, two of the fellows seemed really down. That's when one of the friends announced th...

A female janitor working at my office asked me if I wanted to chill after work and smoke some weed with her

I said no, I can’t deal with high maintenance women.

I was exhausted after work today. I delivered a roll of bubble wrap. The lady said just pop it in the corner.

It took me 7 hours.

A sober Irishman arrives goes home after work...

That's it.

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The difference between before/after getting hired

When Timmy went in for an interview at ABC company, he was hired after a very brief interview. A little skeptical at first, Timmy asked the company representative a few questions.

It went like this:

ABC: Trust me, this company could really use someone new

Timmy: If there is too ...

An old man was asked why he was penniless after working so hard in his life?

Half of my money, I spent on hookers, gambling, drugs and alcohol.

I wasted the other half.

City officials required all their male employees to socialize with male coworkers after work once a week.

They issued a government mandate.

Joseph Stalin Is Bored

To amuse himself he has a great idea.
He decides to disguise himself and circulate amongst his people and find out what they really think of him.

He organises a job at the local factory and starts work there.
He starts chatting with one of the workers, and they agree to eat their lunch ...

After working long and hard for my PhD people finally recognize me..

As the neighborhood pizza Hut delivery guy now.

Being late to come home after work yet again husband calls his wife.

He says to her: Listen I am really sorry, I know I'm already late to come home. Do you remember that jewelry store we went to the other day?

The wife says: Yes!!

Husband: Well, I'm at the bar right across from it.

My friend had trouble getting retirement money after working his entire life as an engineer

He was working with sus pension systems

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So a woman decides to meet up with a few of her girlfriends for a drink after work... [NSFW] Language

Sitting at the bar enjoying her drink, a man approaches her and says, "You are the most gorgeous thing I've ever laid eyes on. I'd love to chew your nipples off..."
The woman appauled, exclaims, "There is no way you would speak to me in this tone had my husband in here."

The man smiles ...

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I went to Lowe’s after work to pick up a stud finder so I could wall mount a TV in the basement...

I get home and tell my wife that I think it’s broken because it’s been going off since the second I bought it.

She’s all confused and asks, “Why did you buy a broken one?”

Then I take the stud finder, wipe it across my chest and go, “Beep beep beep...I don’t know what’s wrong with th...

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A man comes home after work to find his girlfriend crying

As he walks in the door, he asks her, "What's wrong?"

"I heard on the news you were a pedophile!" She replies through wracking sobs.

"Well," he says, "that's an awfully big word for a third-grader!"

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