UPJOKE

Across The Street Jokes

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A little girl was on summer break, and some guys showed up to work on the house across the street

Being the curious type, she decided to walk over and offer her help. The guys said sure, of course she could. So they gave her little jobs to do all week, "bring these screws over to Ray" and that sort of thing. After the week was over, they decided to give her a little payment, and handed her an en...

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Mom is tired of taking care of Junior, sends him over to the construction site across the street. [NSFW - Language]

As the title says, Mom sends Junior over to hang out at the construction site since she's tired of watching over him...

The boy comes home at the end of the work day and Mom asks, "Well, son, what did you learn today?"

"Well, Mom, I learned a LOT! Like... when you hang a door, if it do...

My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street...

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight...

My neighbour across the street said he was born in Micronesia. My next door neighbour said he was born in Indonesia. I told them I was born in Amnesia.

My father forgot to wear a condom.

Why did the group of chickens walk across the street right into a pack of wolves?

They were told it was just a training mission.

"All the shops have been smashed open, there was a whole bunch of people across the street helping themselves to musical instruments, can you believe that?"

"Yeah," said Rincewind. "Luters, I expect."

* Terry Pratchett, *The Light Fantastic*

What did the goat say when it walked across the street?

Baaah

There were once two flower shops across the street from each other, but one was more successful than the other.

The one that was more successful was owned by two friars, and they were always the center of attention. Everyone wanted to buy flowers from the cute friars with their funny brown coats. But the owner of the other shop was not making money. He was tired of it. He had asked them many times to close sh...

A boy sees a beautiful girl across the street.

After they hit it off, he goes home and excitedly tells his dad the news.

“Dad, I just got to know this amazing girl across the street! She lives really close by and her name is Jenna. I really like her!”

The father winces and looks at him. “Son, I’m sorry to tell you this, but Jenna i...

What did Silver say when it saw Gold walking across the street?

Au!

The woman across the street only has one arm. My wife says I shouldn't call her bandit because her name is Debbie.

Who ever heard of a "one-armed Debbie?"

A boy with no legs tried to get attention from the baker across the street.

He loved the smell of pies wafting from the shop window, but since he had no legs, he cannot reach the baker.

So he wrote a message on a dollar note, folded it into a paper plane, and threw it across the street.

The baker turned his head and was surprised to see a paper dollar plane ...

So, full disclosure: There's this lady across the street whom I've been into for a while now.

I just started talking to her and I gotta say...

Lawn distance relationships aren't that bad.

A man is waiting for a bus, when he sees a blonde across the street digging a hole...

...and another blonde immediately filling the hole back in with dirt. He watches as they move up the street doing this over and over again. The first blonde digs a hole, and the second one fills the dirt right back in. After a few minutes, he decides to ask them "excuse me, what are you ladies doing...

Two Boys Sitting Across the Street from a Brothel

The boys, who are 18 and 19 but have never been with a woman, see men go in and come out with big smiles on their faces, so they decide to go see what it's about.

They knock and this big madam opens the door, saying "what can I do for you young men?"

"We want to know why all the men in...

I saw the most disgusting thing today: a strip club across the street from a playground.

Just trying to enjoy the day with my family while losers are swinging on monkey bars 50 feet away.

I just saw a strip club across the street from a mini-golf place. Now, I'm pretty liberal, but I think that's taking it too far.

What if you're trying to enjoy a nice afternoon out with your family, but when you leave, your kids have to watch a bunch of losers playing mini-golf?

Did you hear about the brothel that opened across the street from a golf course?

It too has 36 championship holes.

In a suburb of Boston, there was a Catholic church across the street from a Jewish synagogue.

Over the years, a friendly rivalry had grown between the two congregations. One weekend, the members of the synagogue gave their long-time rabbi a brand new Cadillac. By sheer coincidence, the parishioners gave their pastor a new Cadillac on the same day.

Everyone laughed at the coincidence...

A priest, a rabbi, and a pastor are sitting in a bar, across the street from a brothel.

They are sipping their drinks when they see a rabbi walk in to the brothel. "Oy! It's awful to see a man of the cloth give into temptation", says the rabbi.
A short while later, they see a pastor walk into the brothel. "Damn! It's terrible to see a man of the cloth give into such temptation", say...

A doctor gets a chestnut dacquiri every day after work at the bar across the street.

He's been doing this for a couple of years at this point, and so the bartender, Jim, knows him. He forgot the man's name so at this point he just calls him "doc". In fact the doctor has been doing this for so long at the same time every day that the bartender prepares the dacquiri before he gets the...

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I wrote a book, and the first sentence reads, “There I sat in Central Park, staring at the base of the Empire State Building across the street.”

The title of the book is “I’ve Never Been to New York But I Love Hearing New Yorkers Get Mad At This Shit”

A zoologist, a statistician, and a mathematician are sitting across the street from an empty house.

While they are sitting there they see two people enter the house. A short while later they see three people leave the house.

The zoologist says "They must have reproduced."
The statistician says "Our initial count must have been wrong."
The mathematician says "If one more person goes in...

I tried to help an old lady across the street.

She told me she had a boyfriend.

A company decides to build a strip club across the street from a mini-golf place.

A bunch of people were really upset about this, and you can't really blame them. I mean, who wants to be enjoying a nice family outing only to look across the street and see some losers playing mini-golf?

Saw my ex-girlfriend across the street today and she didn't even look at me.

Truth is, i've changed a lot since kindergarten.

Two guys walking their dogs see a bar across the street...

"Man a beer would be delicious right about now" says one. His friend says, "But there's a sign in the window - 'NO DOGS ALLOWED'." First guy says, "No problem - watch this", puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks in to the bar. Second guy watches him go in and be seated by the bartender who brings h...

So there is a cop hanging out across the street of an Irish pub near closing time...

The cop notices a man stumble out of the bar, struggle to open his car and is obviously intoxicated. The man makes it out of the parking lot and is pulled over by the cop immediately.

The cop makes him get out and do all the sobriety tests. He passes with flying colors. He then breathelizes ...

The empty house across the street

A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician are sitting on a porch having a beer and looking at the empty house across the street.

They see two people walk in through the front door, and an hour later three people walk out.

“How interesting!” said the biologist. “They must have...

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[NSFW] So our friend said her dance instructor warned the girls about a level 2 sex offender across the street from the studio

So I looked at her and asked what kind of loot he drops, and how much gold and XP he gives when killed.

Today, I saw a black guy wave to an Asian from across the street. It gives me hope for the future...

Rush Hour 4!

A man opens his door and finds a snail on his front porch. He picks it up and throws it across the street.

A year later the man opens his door and finds the same snail on his front porch.

The snail looks up and says, "What was *that* all about?"

What's it called when Jesus walks across the street?

A cross walk

The barber from across the street was just arrested for selling drugs.

I was his customer for 3 years. Didn't know he was also a barber.

Two Swedes live across the street from one another in a small town in Manitoba...

Their names are Ollie and Sven. One morning, Sven is eating his Shreddies for breakfast and looks out the front window into Ollie's yard. Ollie has a sign out front that says "Boat for sale." Sven goes over to Ollie's house and says, "Eh, Ollie, what's this sign here? You don't even own a boat! All ...

The Viper

A woman's sitting at home watching the TV. Her phone rings, she answers. She hears a strange man's voice.

"I'm the VIPER! I'm coming next month!"

She hangs up, thinking it was a prank, and forgets about it. A few weeks go by and she gets another call:

"I'm the VIPER! I'll be the...

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A lawyer walks across the street.

A lawyer walks across the street. He's hit by a bus he gets up and there's flames all around him. He says fuck and looks bummed out the devil walks up and says why the long face. I'm in hell he says. The devil says well its not that bad down here, Do you like to drink? Yes says the lawyer the devil ...

The confession

A Priest in a small town was called away for an emergency on a Sunday afternoon while he was about to hear confessions.

Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, and having no one else to assist him he called his Rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for h...

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood..

Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.

He kills time walking around the mall, doe...

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