UPJOKE

A Round Of Golf Jokes

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A group of guys were playing a round of golf..

After 9 holes they stopped to have a cigar. So one of the guys opens his golf bag and pulls out 2 cigars and a great big lighter.

His friend asks him "Hey, where did you get such a big lighter?"

He responds "From my magic genie, of course!"

Of course his friend doesn't believe...

Bill and Tom went to the country club for a round of golf

Bill takes his practice swings and checks the wind then takes his swings again. After about 10 minutes of taking practice swings and checking the wind Tom starts getting aggravated and yells.

“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BILL TAKE YOUR DAMN SWING ALREADY!”.

Bill turns to look at Tom and says....

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Jesus was playing a round of golf with John the baptist

They were teeing up on the 9th hole and Jesus drives the ball right onto a patch of grass in the middle of a lake.


"Out of bounds, 2 shots!" John the baptist laughs



"I can play from there" Jesus said



"Not even Tiger Woods could get it from there" S...

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It’s Saturday morning. Bob’s just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon.

So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and calls home.
“Hello?” says a little girl’s voice.
“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” says Bob. “Is mommy near the phone?”
“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.”

After a brief pause, Bob says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Frank, honey...

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A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day.... [Long]

First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees an...

A young guy gets paired with an elderly stranger for a round of golf

A young guy gets paired with an elderly stranger for a round of golf. They're on the fifth green, the old guy is lining up a putt, when they notice a funeral procession passing by the course.

The man backs away from the putt, removes his cap, bows his head for a quick prayer, crosses himself...

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Jesus, moses and a an old man go play a round of golf.

On the first tee Jesus tees of first. He slices the ball badly into the water. He then walks to edge of the pond and "parts the seas", he walks out into the dry pond and smacks his ball up onto the green.

Moses goes next, he too slices his ball into the water. He goes out and walks on water ...

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Jesus and Moses are playing a round of golf at a club famous for it's floating green.

When approaching the tee box Moses reminds Jesus that he never makes the green and he should just lay it up for the easy chip. Jesus replies, "Arnold Palmer drives this green, so can I."

Sure enough, plop in the water goes Jesus's ball. Moses being nice, parts the water and retrieves the bal...

A man goes to confession after a round of golf...

Man: Father, I took the Lord's name in vain while out golfing today.
Priest: That's ok, my son, golf is a frustrating sport, and we all slip up from time to time.
Man: No, no, I would really feel better if I could atone for my sin.
Priest: Well then by all means, tell my what happened.
M...

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I was running late after playing a round of golf, so I left my clubs with my friend, stuffed a bunch of the balls in my pants pockets and got on a bus...

I sat down next to a beautiful blonde and she kept looking at me and my bulging pockets.

Finally, after many puzzled glances from her, I said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at me for a very long time, thinking deeply about what I had said.

Finally, unable to co...

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A guy gets matched with a couple and a gorgeous blonde for a round of golf...

During the round he flirts with the blonde a bit. On the 16th, he says, "How about after the round, I buy you a drink at the club house?"

"I have a better idea," she replies, "I have a place on the lake not far from here. Why don't we head there for some fun. "

Not believing his l...

Over a round of golf, two surgeons were talking shop.

"I operated on Mr. Lee the other day," said the surgeon.

"What for?" asked his colleague.

"About $6,000."

"What did he have?"

"About $6,000."

"What did you remove?"

"About $6,000."

Two men are playing teeing off during a round of golf.

Two men are teeing off during a round of golf when one of the men hooks his shot horribly right into a large area of brush.

"Tough luck that ones a goner, my friend."

"Not a problem! Give me just a second and I will find it and be right back."

The golfer trudges off the fairway...

Stevie Wonder calls Tiger Woods and asks, "How do you fancy a round of golf?" Tiger smiles to himself and responds, "I didn't know you were able to play, Stevie."

Stevie explains how he had a caddy put a device in each hole that emits a constant high pitched tone and he can wear an earpiece which tells him the direction and distance to it.

Tiger says, "You have to understand Stevie, I'm a pro golfer, the best in the world! It will be too much of a mism...

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were playing a round of golf.

They got to the third tee and were delayed by people still playing the hole.

The Scotsman lost his patience, "What's going on? We’ve been here at least 20 minutes!"

The Irishman nodded in agreement.

The Englishman saw the green keeper walking by and shouted to him, "How come t...

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[NSFW]After a round of golf...

a guy heads back to the club house. There, he sees a beautiful, blonde, big breasted woman, and naturally, he heads over to flirt with her. They hit it off, and decide to play a round together.

He is doing his best to impress, but she cleans his clock, winning by 9 strokes. Embarrassed, his m...

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Joe was heading towards the end of a round of golf...

...when hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She yelled, “I...

Two guys are playing a round of golf

They’re on the green of one hole just over a hill when they hear a crack from the fairway behind them. A ball sails over the ridge and lands near the two golfers. One says to the other,
“Hey I’ve got an idea. Let’s put the ball in the hole and give the guy a hole in one.”
So they take the b...

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A man had just finished a round of golf....

...and was filling the gas tank of his Mercedes Benz convertible.

A woman at the next pump was admiring his car, and noticed several golf tees on the front seat. She wasn't quite sure what they were, so she asked, "What are those for?"

The man replied, "That's what I put my balls on w...

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A Priest, a Doctor, and an Engineer go out for a round of golf..

Within a couple holes, they've caught up to the group in front of them. These guys are missing their shots right and left and overall taking their sweet time. Finally the doctor gets fed up and calls the course management. A representative comes out to figure out what's going on, and quickly explain...

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Last week I played a round of golf and hit two of my best balls ever...

I stepped on a rake.

A Catholic Priest, a Jewish Rabbi, and a Baptist Preacher are out for a round of golf...

The Rabbi shanks one into the water hazard and they walk down to retrieve it. As they’re looking for the last ball together, they spot something reflecting the sun from under the water. One of them picks up what appears to be a glass jar, FILLED with gold coins!

Soon they have realized that t...

If Tiger Wood and Princess Diana played a round of golf who would win?

Tiger Woods! because he has a better driver!


I'll be in hell if you need me.

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A priest and a businessman are playing a round of golf...

They go and tee up for the first hole, and on the very first shot the businessman sends it flying off into the woods.

And he says "Crap, I missed"

And the priest says, "Do not curse my son, or the lord's wrath shall be upon you."

The businessman grumbles and agrees and they go t...

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So a priest and his friend play a round of golf.

The friend misses a short putt and exclaims, "Oh shit! I missed." The priest then responds, "Watch what you say! God will strike you down!" Later on in the round the friend misses another short putt, once again exclaiming "Oh shit! I missed again." The priest says back "I warned you before! If you s...

A doctor, a philanthropist, and an engineer are playing a round of golf behind a group of blind golfers.

As they wait for the impaired golfers to painstakingly finish the next hole, the doctor says "What a motivating sight. I'm inspired to start a clinic for visually impaired people in order that they might better pursue their dreams."
The philanthropist nods in agreement and says "That's a worthy...

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A guy is going home after a round of golf.

He's a bit late and is met at the door by his wife.

"Where the fuck have you been?!" she screams.

"Well, I was out playing golf and I met up with Fred from the office. We decided to finish the game together, but wouldn't you know, he has a heart attack on the 10th hole!"

"That m...

A couple walk Into the clubhouse after a round of golf.

The pro asks "how was you round?" The husband says "it was good but my wife got stung by a bee". "Where did she get stung?" "Between the first and second hole". The pro says "well her stance was too wide."

A priest and a farmer are playing a round of golf.

On the first hole, the priest clasps his hands, says a prayer and shoots a hole-in-one.

When it's the farmers turn, he shoots and the ball ends up in the woods.

The farmer is furious and screams: "Goddammit I missed".

The priest tells him "If you curse one more time, god will p...

A husband and wife are playing a round of golf..

On the 18th hole the husband slices his ball to the right and lands in front of a barn. The husband asks his wife to open up the barn door so he could hit it through the barn and onto the green. The husband then shanks his shot, which hits his wife in the head and immeidately kills her.

5 y...

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Two guys were having a round of golf

On the 13th hole the jack sliced the ball off into the brush way off to the left.
Jimmy was laughing as he placed his ball for his swing and did the same thing way off to the right.

They tell each other how much they suck and move on to find there balls.
Jack was first to find his in a ...

Jesus and Moses and another guy go for a round of golf

So they all line up and Moses hits the ball first. It flies up and lands straight in the pond. Moses then walks to the pond and splits the water in half, chips his ball onto the green and pots it in for par.
Jesus then steps up, again hits it into the pond. He walks on the pond finds the ball chi...

Jesus and Saint Peter are playing a round of golf...

They approach a par four that bends left around a small pond then straight to the green. Saint Peter decides to play it safe and hit to the turn then layup to the green.
Jesus then tees up and looks left over the pond toward the green.
JC:"What do you think Peter? Think I can make it to the...

A man was playing a round of golf.

When he came to his favorite par 3, he hit the most glorious shot, and it rolled right in, getting a hole in one. When he picked up the ball, a genie appeared.

"Behold, I am the magic hole in one genie! I will grant you one wish. "
" Wow, well can you make my Johnson longer?"
"Your wis...

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Dave and John are playing a round of golf...

Dave is lining up his put on the 8th green when they hear a car coming along the road that runs parallel to the course. Upon seeing a hearse, Dave stands away from his ball, takes his cap off and bows his head until it passes.
"That was very decent of you Dave."
"Yea, she was a good wife."

A woman returned home from a round of golf.

Her husband asked how it went. She replied, "Well, OK, but I got stung by a bee." He responded, "Where did it sting you?" She said, "Between the first and second hole," whereupon he exclaimed, "I told you your stance was too wide!"

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The hitman on the golf course (Slightly NSFW)

Three friends (whom we'll call Bill, Fred and Joe) are playing a round of golf when a stranger walks up to them and asks if he can join them.

They agree and discover that the man is a friendly type and they all get chatting. Eventually they all get talking about their jobs and the man reveals...

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God and Jesus go golfing

God and Jesus go out to play a round of golf. Their first hole is a par 3 and Jesus tees off first. He hits a great shot and the ball lands just a few feet shy of the hole. God goes next and hits a shot that goes 15 feet. All of a sudden a squirrel runs out and grabs the ball and starts running away...

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A golfer and a priest

A golfer and a priest go out for a round of golf. On the first hole the golfer hits it into the sand and says, "Crap I missed!!"
The Priest says, "dont say that or God will punish you."
The golfer thinks nothing of it and moves on. They come to the next hole and the golfer sinks his shot into...

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Trump goes to Japan...

One day Donald Trump goes to Japan for a diplomatic meeting. On the night of his arrival, he decides to hire a young Japanese prostitute and take her back to his hotel. The girl does not speak any English, but that doesn't stop things from getting hot 'n heavy in the Presidential Suite. Their pas...

Hooters

Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and
the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to
play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hoo...

A Priest, a Doctor, and an Engineer are playing golf.....

An engineer, a priest, and a doctor are trying to enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the greenkeeper for an explanation. “That’s a group of blind firefighters,” they are told. “They lost their sight saving our clubhou...

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The 19th hole.

A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf
and heads into the grill room.

As he passes through the swinging doors he sees
a sign hanging over the bar :

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50...

Arthur is 90 years old, and played golf every day since he went into retirement....

So one day Arthur, who is 90 years old, comes home to his 93 year old wife exasperated. "That was the last straw" he says, "I'm stopping with golf because my eyesight is so bad that whenever I hit the ball I have no idea where it lands, and I lose it!".

His wife makes him a cup of coffee. Whi...

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Every Saturday Leon played golf with his best friend Charlie.

It didn't matter if it was sunny, raining, or hailing they played golf like clockwork. When he got home his wife would ask how his day went, and he would say:

"It was wonderful, because I got to play golf."

After 30 years of this Charlie, unfortunately, died. The next Saturday Leon kep...

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An american man goes on a business trip to Japan...

He is really stressed out, so his Japanese business partner offers to hook him up with one of his favorite prostitutes. He agrees but is a little embarrassed. So, she meets him in his darkened hotel room. They get down to the dirty and she is incredible. She starts screaming "bushada!!, bushada!...

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Superstitious Golfer

The was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late.
On Saturday morning George was there at exactl...

A minister awakens to a beautiful Sunday morning

He looks outside and sees not a single cloud in the sky. The temperature is a perfect 72 degrees. He says to himself, "THIS is the perfect day". He pauses for a moment and considers calling in sick to his church, skipping his worship services, and driving several towns over to play a round of golf o...

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Golfing buddies

After a big reception at the Vatican, the Pope invites Dave to a round of golf and Dave agrees. On the first hole, Dave misses a relatively easy putt and exclaims "Fuck! I missed!" The Pope tells him to please watch his language and they continue playing.

A few holes later, Dave misses anothe...

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An American went on a business trip to Japan.

An American went on a business trip to Japan. He arrives with a few free days to spare and so decides to go out for a few drinks. While out he meets a local and although they do not speak the same language they both feel an instant connection and head home to spend the night together. As soon as ...

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What's a Freudian slip?

Two old men are playing a round of golf. One says, "in my old age, I find myself making more Freudian slips." The other says "what's a Freudian slip"?

The first man says, "is when you intend to say one thing, but actually say what you were really thinking. Like the other day, I had a new secr...

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A CEO has a business meeting in Japan

He flies in the day before and is going to stay at a hotel when he decides to spice things up and hires a prostitute. That night, in the room, they are fucking when she starts screaming "anachigai, anachigai" which he assumes is just encouragement of some kind as he doesn't speak Japanese. The prost...

Golf is a dangerous sport

My wife returned home from a round of golf and said she’d been injured. She told me she’d be hit between the first and second holes.

To which I replied: “That doesn’t leave much room for a bandaid!”

OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blond woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that ...

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A man is rushed into the ER with a golf club wrapped around his neck

He has also been beaten horribly about the head and face. The ER doctor says, "My God man! What happened to you?" Through broken teeth the patient tells his story. "My wife and I and another couple went out for a round of golf. We went to that new course by the dairy farm out on highway 12. Well, we...

The most popular man in the world

Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Bill orders and the cashier gives him his meal. Ned goes up to order and the cashier greets him with "Hello Ned! How are you? Hey everybody! Ned's here!" Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Ned. After everyone ha...

Men and women have two distinct views about weddings.

The husband-to-be wakes up in the morning, plays a round of golf and counts the minutes until he has to be at the altar.
The wife-to-be, on the other hand, wakes up in the morning and is panicking. She immediately begins to organize things, making sure everything is in proper order. In her mind ...

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A man out golfing meets a leprechaun [Long]

One Saturday afternoon in Ireland, a man is playing a round of golf on his local public course. As he approaches the eighth hole, he hits the ball and slices it pretty hard to the right. Grumbling, he walks out, deep past the weeds and into the tall grass of the surrounding forest, where he stumbles...

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Two men golfing...

Two older male best friends are going golfing and get stuck behind two women playing slower. They start to get frustrated and think about what to do.

The first friend tells the other to go and ask if they can play through, and so the second man heads down the fairway.

He gets halfway t...

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Golf with the boss

A man and his boss skip work one weekday afternoon for a round of golf. They tee off at 1:00 and after 2 holes they catch up to a twosome of women. The women are playing unbearably slowly.

After waiting nearly an hour to play a hole, the men discuss how to get around these slow-playing wome...

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A man is getting married in a week.

He decides he wants to have his stag party while playing a round of golf. After a couple of holes, the man gets his in the genitalia by a rogue golf ball. Wanting to make sure everything is OK, he goes to a doctor. He asks the doctor, "I'm getting married in a week and my fiance is a virgin. Wil...

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An American businessman..

..was playing a round of golf with an Italian businessman, a French businessman, and a Japanese businessman. His plan was to congratulate them on every shot they made.

The Italian businessman went first and got within 20 yards of the hole.
The American, knowing some Italian, said, "buono t...

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A nun goes golfing...

*[I was playing a round of golf the other day with a fellow who asked me if I knew any golf jokes. When I replied that I did not, he said you should always have a golf joke or two in your repertoire. I asked him for a joke then, and he told me this one. I now have one in my repertoire, and so wil...

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Lady Golfer NSFW

Jerry asks the clubhouse barman if there is anyone available to join him for a round of golf. The barman says "Only that lady over there, Susan" Jerry is a little reluctant to play with a woman but the barman assures him that she's quite good in fact she plays off the same 9 handicap as him. They pl...

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Ni Ka Sai!

An Important rep goes to Japan to meet potential customers.

he takes them out to a local golf course for a round of golf.

when they start off on the first hole, our Rep makes a huge miss and ends up on the 18th hole green. not only that its a Hole in one!

all the japanese custom...

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A golfer goes out for a beer...

After a round of golf, a golfer loads his trunk up with his clubs but puts his extra tees and balls in his pockets. He goes into the clubhouse for a beer.

He sits down next to a blond woman at the bar. She sees the bulging pants of the golfer and barely stops herself from gasping. She cannot ...

Engineering teacher gave us this one.

So a priest, a doctor, and an engineer are playing a round of golf but they are stuck behind an incredibly slow foursome. They keep waiting and finally the groundskeeper drives by and they ask him whats going on with the group ahead.

He explains that the group ahead is made up of four fir...

The most cruel punishment

A rabbi is out of town on Yom Kippur. Since nobody knows who he is, he decides to play a round of golf. Up in heaven, God sees him and decides to punish the rabbi for his transgression. However, before God does anything, Moses stops him and says, "Let me take care of this.'' God thinks about it for ...

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So a husband and wife of 12 years goes golfing...

and the man shanks his shot on the 7th hole and it goes behind a barn.

"Damn, now I have to hit around" he said.

His wife says, "No, you can shoot it right through, see?" and she opens the barn door and sure enough there's a perfect line to the green.

He hit the shot, it hits th...

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A man gets a hole in one...

A man was playing a round of golf when he hits a hole in one on a par 3. A genie appears from the hole and says "I am the hole-in-one genie, you have one wish, what would you like?" The man thinks for a little bit and responds "I would like a big dick." "Granted" responds the genie. The man continue...

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Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf...

Jesus, Moses and an old man were playing a round of golf and the score was dead even between the three players.

First up to try and break the tie was Jesus.

He wound up and followed through. The ball took a wicked dog leg to the right and fell into the water. Jesus walked over the wat...

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A business man goes to Japan...

To meet some potential clients and play a round of golf with them. The night before his meeting the man decides to pick up a Japanese hooker. He brings her back to his hotel and they start going at it. While they were doing their thing the hooker, being able to speak only Japanese, starts moaning, "...

Tally-whacker

Bill Clinton after playing a round of golf with Supporters, notices
Donald trump standing in an adjacent urinal.

Suddenly Bill looks down and notices that Donald was quite well endowed.

"Damn, Donald," Bill said, "How did that thing ever get so big?"

"It's like this, Eve...

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Man goes on a work trip to Japan.

A man travels to Japan for work. After a few weeks he gets lonely and hires a prostitute. They get down to business, but right away she starts yelling "machigatta ana! Machigatta ana!"

Not speaking a word of Japanese he thinks she must be really enjoying it. He finishes up and she collects h...

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A Scot and a priest playing golf (Long)

A Scot and a priest are playing a round of golf. The Scotsman narrowly misses his shot to take the lead.
"God dammit, Missed the wee bugger!"
The priest turns to the Scotsman shocked and says "You'd better not use the lords name in vain or else he will strike you down where you stand"
A ...

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A business man goes to Japan

A business man had an important meeting to attend in Japan.
He arrives relatively early the night before the meeting so he figures he will take the opportunity to hire a hooker for the evening.
He heads out, finds a girl and brings her back to his hotel.
While he is giving it to her, chan...

Deadly eight iron.

Two buddies were playing a round of golf and off the seventh tee Brian sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the l...

LUCKY FROG

A man takes the day off from work and decides to go play a round of golf. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, 'Ribbit, 9 Iron.'
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.

Again, he hears...

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A UK businessman returns from Japan...

after spending a few weeks out there trying to gain some new clients and drum up new business.

During his trip he had some serious down time and got busy with a few of the local girls. One in particular seemed extremely satisfied during their encounter. She didn't speak a word of English but ...

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American Businessman's First Visit to Japan

A successful American businessman heads to Japan to meet with a big supplier. Naturally, the Japanese are going to set him up with a good time and loads of entertainment. The first night, they go to Karaoke and a gorgeous young Karaoke hostess is sent back to the man's hotel room to entertain him ...

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An American businessman goes to Japan...[NSFW]

An American businessman goes to Japan to work on a business deal with a potential partner corporation in Tokyo. After a week's worth of painstaking negotiations, the businessman finally seals the deal. His translator tells him that his new partners have encouraged him to take the night off, enjoy wh...

Three men are out golfing...

As they are waiting for their tee time, a young, very attractive woman approaches them.

"Do you mind if I join you three for a round of golf?"

"Absolutely!" the three men reply.

By the 18th hole, the woman has been doing very well, but needs to sink a 30 foot putt in order to ...

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Robot Caddies

So a guy decides to take the day off from work for a round of golf, and when he gets to the course he asks for a caddy. The pro shop manager asks if he'd like to try out one of their new robot caddies. "Sure, why not," the man replies. As he goes through the course the robot caddy is giving him the ...

Three men playing golf

There were three men playing a round of golf, Moses, Jesus, and an old man. They get to the 18th hole and Moses gets to tee-off first; he hits his ball into the water. Next up is Jesus, and he does the same as Moses, hits it right into the water. Next up is the old man and he hits it right into the ...

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Genie in a Bottle

A man and his wife are playing a round of golf on a very expensive golf course surrounded by luxurious Mansions on both sides of the course.

They arrive at hole on the edge of the course and the wife drives her ball down the fairway, the ball gets caught in wind and lands on the property of ...

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