UPJOKE

A Mole Jokes

Three friends, a turtle, a mole and a bear are drafted and have to join the army.

But neither of them want to go, so they need to provide medical proof why they can’t join.

“It’s easy for me”, says the turtle “I am slow.”He enters the examination room and when he comes out, he happily tells his friend that he is in fact too slow.

“Well”, says the mole next, “I am ...

A family of moles wake up from hibernation.

They start digging up to the surface to get some air and stretch their legs. When they arrive, there’s a layer of concrete that wasn’t there before. They dig around the concrete and Papa mole pokes his head out and smells fresh pancakes.

“Oh, they must have built a pancake house up there! It ...

Look down a mole hole, what do you see?

Molasses.

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I Just had a mole removed from my penis.

The animal shelter said if it happens again they’re going to press charges.

My S.O. is getting a mole removed tomorrow, I need some mole jokes!

This is what I have so far:

Are you a double agent? Naw just a mole

Why is it bad to tell mole jokes? They’re mole-itically incorrect

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I've just been at the hospital having a mole removed from my penis.

I wont be shagging one of those again!

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NSFW Long A mole challenges a rabbit to a race...

Hey rabbit want to bet that I can get to that tree before you on a race, said the mole to the rabbit.

Of course and I will win, said the arrogant rabbit, but what do you want to bet?

I have an idea; said the little mole, the winner gets to fuck the other in the ass...

WTF said t...

A man found a mole on his arm one day.

He'd never seen it before, but he wasn't the most attentive person, so he let it alone. A week passed. Eventually, that mole began to grow, and seemed to bleed into the skin around it. The man asked his wife about it, and she said he should probably get it checked out, but he ignored the advice, ass...

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Last week I had to see the doctor to have a mole removed from my penis.

The lesson here is don't try to have sex with a mole.

What do you call a mole that doesn't feel pain?

A Paracetamole

Sherlock Holmes: My dear Watson, you have a mole on your right upper thigh.

Watson (Amazed): Yes! How did you know?

Holmes: Simple my dear Watson, you forgot to put on your pants.



P.S. My dad told me this today.

How do you stop a mole from digging?

Take his shovel away

A mole family wakes up one morning.

The father mole stretches, climbs up to the edge of the hole, and exclaims, "it smells just like syrup out here!" The mama mole squeezes up next to him and says "well I'll be, it *does* smell like syrup!" Then the little baby mole tries to push his way to the hole but his mom and dad are completely ...

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I've got to go to hospital tomorrow to have a mole removed from the end of my cock,

That's the last time I try and fuck one of those.

My wife told me that the cats killed a mole and left it on our porch.

After some investigation, I informed her that it in fact appeared to be a shrewicide.

What do a mole and an eagle have in common?

They both live underground. Except for the eagle.

If a mole working within the FBI were to come up with a joke what kind would it be?

An inside joke.

What does 2 letter E's, a mole and a pit have to do with eachother

I don't know, but hole-e mole-e is that a combo

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A Tale of 3 moles

There once was three moles, a mama mole, a daddy mole and a baby mole. They all lived in a mole hole, together.
One day the daddy mole smelled a wonderful smell coming from outside the mole hole.
Daddy mole went and poked his little head out of the mole hole. He thought to himself, " wow, tha...

What was the name of the huge boat that was built to harbour a mole of each element in order to not have them go extinct due to the big flood aka the big crunch of the universe?

NaOH's Ark

3 Moles are traveling underground.

Daddy mole leading the way, followed by Momma and Baby mole.

Suddenly, Daddy mole stops, sniffs, and says, "MMM, I smell clover."

A few yards further Momma mole stops, sniffs, and says, "Ahhh, I smell honey."

After a few more minutes Baby mole has had enough. He yells towards t...

There Once Lived A Family of Moles on a Hill.

On morning Papa Mole woke up and walked to the entrance of the burrow. He was greeted with the most beautiful morning he had ever seen. The sunrise shone brightly and scents of spring wafted through the air.

"This is amazing!" Papa exclaimed "Ma! Come and see this! The morning's beautiful an...

Papa Mole, Mama Mole, and Baby Mole

There was a papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole tunneling through the ground one right after the other. They were digging and digging and digging when all of a sudden, Bam! The papa mole ran into a wall.

The papa mole was a bit shaken up. He stuck his head out and saw it was Waffle House...

Avogadro's Number walks into the CIA

One of the spies responds, "Gentlemen, we have a mole."

What animal has exactly 12 grams of carbon?

A mole

My mum made me some cakes using molasses.

Apparently it’s the tastiest part of a mole

The breast implant recall is making some women upset.

But I think they are making a mole hill out of a mountain.

Annoying Mole

Mary looks out her kitchen window and sees that a mole has practically destroyed the back lawn, so she tells her husband, Paddy, to go out and kill it and to show no mercy. After ten minutes, Paddy comes back into the house with an evil grin on his face.

"So," says Mary, "did you drown the fe...

Hole in a Wall

While doing a wee, I once saw /
a mole that was quite the oddball /
it didn't live underground /
but rather, I found /
that it lived in the hole in the wall

So I peered in the home of the mole /
What I saw 'twas a sight to behol' /
inside was a place /
full ...

What's a mobsters favorite game?

Whack a Mole

I’m not claiming my neighbor is in the mob, but...

There was a mole in my yard and I asked him to help me kill it.
He asked if it needed to look like an accident.

Mole family and farmer Davis

There was a mole family on a farm, they had a mole hole. The farm belonged to Farmer Davis.

One day Farmer Davis decided to cook some chicken, so he starts a cookin.

Papa mole could smell some chicken and thought it smelled so good, so he scurried on up the mole hole and say at the ent...

Shamelessly stolen

A momma mole, pappa mole and baby mole were all in their mounds relaxing. The pappa mole popped his head out, and said "It smells like honey up here!"
The momma mole then popped her head out and said "No, it smells like syrup up here."
The baby mole wanted to pop his head out, but there wasn...

Why did the 22140857×10^23 molecules of Methyl Acetate go to jail?

It was a Mole-Ester!

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The Bet

Little Johnny likes to gamble. One day, his dad gets a new job, so his family has to move to a new city. Johnny's dad thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling." He calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow, but he likes to gamble, so you'll have to ke...

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What did the dermatologist say to his patient that was on the sex offenders list?

That's a mole Lester

What do you call someone who has 6.02 * 10^23 dollars?

A mole-ionaire.

The Mole family

Sorry if it's a repost... There are too many jokes to check them all.

So here goes..

Early one morning, mama mole woke and thought "I smell pancakes and syrup." So she climbed up the tunnel and stuck her nose out of the mole hole to enjoy the aroma. Papa mole followed and squeezed next...

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A man exclaimed to his drinking buddy, "I have seen the private parts of all the attractive ladies in this bar!"

His buddy then asked in disbelief, "Really? How about that blonde lady, what can you say about hers?"



The man said, "Her left butt cheek has a birth mark shaped like the map of Italy. If you don't believe me, try peeping on her when she'll use the restroom."



So they wai...

Whats Avogadro's favorite arcade game?

Wack a mole.

Why was Avogadro executed?

He was a mole

How can you tell if someone is a chemistry major?

They have a mole on their body.

What’s green, comes from Mexico and goes underground?

A guaca mole

Some (eye-rolling) Chemistry Pick-up Lines for the Valentine's season

* Are you made of Carbon? Because it feels like my world revolves around you.
* You're my Lithium.
* Are you an anion? Because I'm positive we're meant to be together.
* My heart is made of Gallium. It melts when you're close to me.
* Are you Fluorine? Because i can't seem to get myself ...

Science jokes!

A proton walks into a bar. Strolls up to the bartender and says "I don't care what you serve me, but I want the most expensive drink you offer."

The bartender looks at him quizzically. "You sure about that, buddy?"

**"I'm positive."**

A cute little neutron walks in right after ...

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[Long] My buddy and I were out fishing, when suddenly our boat sank

We both drowned, and I woke up in hell. I see a giant creature slowly walking towards me, when I realize it's the devil himself.

"Welcome to hell!" he yells at me, while guiding me along a long corridor.

"What the hell Satan, why did I end up down here?!" I yelled at him.

"I've...

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