UPJOKE

A Line Jokes

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Tampax have announced a line of festive tampons…

It’s for the Christmas period only though

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this, I’ll hit you in the face.”

That was the punchline...

What do you call a line of men waiting for a haircut?

A Barbecue.

What do you call a line of men waiting for a haircut and then stepping back when the door opens…

A receding hair line.

A policeman was walking through the station. He didn’t notice he was walking along a line of poo.

He slipped in the poo and fell to the ground. He was ok, but the other officers were terribly distraught.
It’s always hard to see a fellow officer fall on a line of doodee.

I'm going to quit my job and market a line of active-adult diapers and underwear liners with a feline theme.

Gonna call them Puma Pants.

What's the difference between a line of naked women and a magician?

Well, the magician has a cunning array of stunts...

What do you call a line at an anime convention?

A queuwu

Did you know that France have started making a line of American-style cars for goats?

They're called Chevreolets

Whats a line of Barbies called?

A barbiequeue

What do you call three Barbies in a line?

BBQ

A man is pulling a line of string along a sidewalk

A woman asks him as he walks near, "Excuse me, why are you pulling that string along?"

The man replies, "Have you ever tried to push a string?"

What do you call a line up of dudes picking up mozzarella cheese

A cheesy pickup line

How to call a line of people waiting to buy the new Barbie doll at a toy store?

Barbecue

A little known rule is that all employees of IKEA have to stand in a line in the meeting room before every shift.

Assembly is required.

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“What do you call a line for a Vietnamese restaurant in London?”

“Pho queue.”

“Well, fuck you too!”

A man is waiting in a line in the Soviet Union to get food

As he gets closer to the counter, he sees that most people are now walking away empty handed.

When his turn comes, he asks "Hi comrade, I assume you are out of fish?"
"No comrade, you are in the wrong place. We are out of meat. The store across the street is the one that is out of fish".

The William Shatner wanted to start up a line of female underwear.

Unfortunately "Shatner Panties" wasnt the greatest brand name.

When I'm stressed I like to draw a line of trees, getting smaller as they reach the horizon

It really puts things in perspective

OC - I saw a line of delivery scooters parked out the front of a pizza place.

Someone bumped into one of them and it topples over, and knocks down the next one, which knocks down the next one, and the next one.

It was the Domino's effect.

What's it called when a red head snorts a line of coke?

A ginger rail.

A man walks into a bar and there is a line of people waiting to punch him

That's the punch line.

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A Muslim started a line of sex toys ...

He specializes in blow up dolls.

Ten chimpanzees are standing in a line.

The 1st, 3rd, 5th, and 7th chimps are asked to step forward.

They are the prime apes.

What do you call a line of rabbits hopping backwards?

A receding hare line

While waiting in line at the entrance to a museum, my 16-year old daughter ran up to my wife and me and said, “Mom, Dad! We need to get a line form!”

Confused, I said “A line form?” She said, “Yes, I think you have to turn it in right over there before you can go in.” She pointed to the entrance.

That’s when I looked and saw the sign that said “Line Forms Here”.

True story. Bonus facts: She’s now a brilliant NICU nurse so she r...

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Jim was feeling self-conscious so he wanted his wife to reassure him by proving she can pick his dick out of a line-up

He sets up a wall with 4 glory-holes. He and 3 of his friends each stick their dicks through one of the 4 holes. The wife takes a look at the 4 penises and says "Jim, your penis is number 3". She picked correctly. Jim pulls his dick out of the hole, runs to the other side of the wall and embrace...

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A drug addict stumbles upon a magic lamp

A drug addict stumbles upon a shiny lamp. As soon as he picked it up, ... pufff... a Genie appeared from the smokes.

"I shall grant you **three wishes**!", the genie said.

The drug addict, without hesitation: "Let's do a line of cocaine for both of us"

Poof... A line of cocaine ...

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The Smith family name gets its origin from a line of blacksmiths. The Cobbler family name get its origin from a line of shoe repairmen.

What the hell was going on with the Dickinson family?

I want to start a line of camouflage condoms

The slogan will be *”You’ll never see them coming!”*

What do you get when you add a line between heroes?

Herpes

I had a punchbag suspended from the ceiling by a line, but the line snapped...

...I thought that's a terrible punchline.

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What is a line you can use in a job interview and during sex also

I have a habit of coming early

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A line of four recently-deceased souls lines up at the gates of Heaven, awaiting their judgement...

St. Peter addressed the first man in line. “While you were alive all you cared about was getting drunk. You loved alcohol so much that you married a woman named Brandy.” St. Peter promptly turned the man away.
To the second man St. Peter said, “While you were alive the only thing you truly cared...

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A man walks into a bar, pulls out a piece of chalk, and draws a line on the floor.

He then stood on the far side of the line and faced the door. People came in, took a look at him, and then walked around the line to go order their drinks. Eventually, a man walked in, approached the man, and stepped across the line.

Immediately, the first man took a swing and laid the second...

True story, I was in a line at a grocery store when an old woman ahead of me told me I looked like her dead son

She started crying and touched me saying you look just like him, the hair, the eyes, the smile. I just stood there awkwardly trying to hold it together. Before leaving she asked me for a strange favor - When I leave, could you just wave to me and say “Don’t worry Mom!” It would just mean the world t...

What do you get when you cross a waiter and a line cook?

A cold meal that tastes like loogies

How do you pick a stoner out of a line up?

You WEED them out!

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Little Bobby was running through the woods

Little Bobby was running through the woods behind his house when the urge to go #2 struck. Bobby did his business behind a tree and carried on his way. The next day, Bobby was out behind his house again when he saw a swarm of flies circling yesterday's droppings. Intrigued, Bobby dropped his pants a...

There’s a group of funny people all in a line,

The one in the middle is a comedian.

When you average them all out, that’s the comean.
And those triplets at the end—they’re the comode.

TIL DNA was supposed to be a line

But things spiraled of control

Never get stuck behind The Devil in a line at the DMV.

For The Devil can take many forms.

Tesla is considering releasing a line of electric buses named after Egyptian gods.

It'll be A-new-bus.

What do you call a line of fish eggs?

A Roe.

A man was in a line of patients trying to get his release from a mental institution.

He watched as the others went in to meet with the doctor and heard the questions the doctor asked, which were:


"point to your right arm", "point to your stomach", point to your toes", point to your knee," and so on. He saw which answers were correct, and which answers were wrong.

...

At the pearly gates, a line of people wait to get into heaven. St Peter asks “what did you do for a living?”

The first man says “I was a doctor. I made sure people were healthy and saved lives a few times.”

St Peter says “great, come on in” and waves him through the gates.

The second man says “I was a bartender. It may not sound glamorous, but I listened to people talk about their problems a...

I was in a line at my local post office this morning when

two masked men entered.

TOTAL PANIC.

Then they said...this is a robbery.


We all calmed down

If topography was converted to a line graph.

Then America peaked somewhere around the Rockies.

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