UPJOKE

A Cute Jokes

Daughter made up a cute knock knock joke:

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Let’s eat…
Let’s eat who?

What are you a cannibal?

The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."

The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."

"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."

The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"

The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."

Saw a cute girl at work today.

I told her I get off in five minutes and she smiled. Then I said I finish work in one hour and she left.

A cute little girls story

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe two and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little tea set as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news whe...

Met a cute guy at the bar, gave him my number and told him to text me when he got home

I guess he's homeless.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell the kid is “God is crying”

And if the kid asks why is God is crying, another cute thing to tell the kid is “probably because of something you did”

I was at a restaurant and a cute waitress was flirting with me. She gave her email and told me to hit her up sometime. I tried to email her the next day but the internet was down.

I couldn’t connect to the server

My wife found a cute baby skunk on our holiday

She wanted to bring it home. I told they won't let her take it on the plane, she'd need to hide it down her panties.

"But what about the smell?" She asked.
"Well," I said, "If it dies it dies."

A cute girl at work said she'd only go on a date with me on a day that doesn't end in 'Y'

I said "Great! I'll pick you up tomorrow!"

A cute little girl walks into a pet store and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees...

What do you call a cute door?

Adorable.

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My feline died after being crushed during a cute butt contest

It was a cat ass trophy.

A cute one I heard from a friend at work.

Three animals walk into a bar; A duck,a skunk and a deer. They go up to the bar and order 3 drinks. "5 dollars" Says the bartender. The deer looks at the duck and says "I don't have a buck to my name!" the skunk cries "I have no money, not even a scent!" but the duck says to the bartender "It's alri...

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I just met a cute girl named Kidding.

I wish I was fucking kidding.

What's the difference between a punchline and a cute girl?

Sometimes I get the punchline :(

I was in a bar last night and saw a cute woman sitting alone.

I walked over, said “hi” and asked her “what is your name?”

“Chantelle” she said

“Oh, I wish you would” I replied.

I went in for an X-ray the other day and met a cute radiologist.

I tried to act cool but she saw right through me.

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I’m on a date with a cute guy and we start talking about tattoos.

He asks me if I have any tattoos and I say “yeah, some stars on my right hip.” I ask him if he has any and he says “yeah, one on my dick and it says Shorty.” My face falls as I realize what this means just when we are really starting to hit things off. But then he says “when my dick gets hard it say...

My kitten won top prize in a cute competition.

Unfortunately, they messed up the award... Instead of making it in the shape of a kitty's face they made it into a kitty's behind!!

It's a real cat-ass-trophy!

What do you call a cute bull fighter?

Matadorable

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What does a farmer and a cute girl have in common.

They can both raise a cock.

A cute girl was towing two tow trucks

She had a great pickup line

The date I took to the AC/DC concert had buck teeth, giving her a cute beaver smile

She was the best dam woman I had even seen

My girlfriend baked me a cake for cake day with a cute note on it...

...

It was the icing on the cake

When Gordon Ramsay saw a cute puppy gif on Reddit, why did he get mad?

Because it was /r/aww

So i asked a cute homeless girl could i take her home.

But i dont know why she was so confused when i walked off with her cardboard box.

I told my friends I'm going on a date with a cute girl.

They told me she's imaginary, but joke's on them, so are they.

A good book is a lot like a cute puppy.

Easy to pick up, hard to put down.

How do you stop a cute animal?

You just press paws

So I went to a costume party dressed as a chicken when I bumped into a cute girl dressed as an egg, that night i found out the answer to the age old question

Which came first

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I may not have much else going for me, but at least I know I've got a cute butt.

Whenever I finish talking to a woman and I start to walk away they always say, "Finally! Thank you!"

You're welcome, ladies.

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So, my friend bought a cute baby donkey

First, he taught it to walk and run. It grew up to carry anything and still run at great speed. After that, he taught it to be friendly to everyone. It grew up to be a great emotional support animal. He taught it to study and read. It grew up to advance animal consciousness research.

So, afte...

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I wanted to get my meat beaten from a cute cop

So i painted it black.

That didn't go too well, I'm in the hospital now with 3 bullet holes in my dick

A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident....

The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.

The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him...

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“Those are some damn sexy legs” a cute customer said to me while we toured the showroom of the furniture store I work in. I was so flattered- obviously my workout routine was working!

But then he said,
“Oh, I’m talking about that chair over there. I’ll take it”

Just before we paid the check at a restaurant, a cute waitress saw some leftovers and asked my dad “you wanna box?”

“Nah, I would rather wrestle”

What do you call a cute irishman

A sweet potato

In a bar, there's a guy hitting on a cute Banker girl

The guy brags about all his riches and possessions, but he got shot down by the girl immediately.

The girl said, "Leave me a loan!"

The guy noticed the wordplay, he praised the girl. "That's a pretty clever pun! ...But not as pretty as you"

The girl, now irritated, said. "I'm no...

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A boy tells a cute girl a joke.

LONG

Boy: There are three flies trapped in a jar. One is a male and the other 2 are females. The male fly is at the bottom of the jar just sitting there acting as if nothing is wrong. The females fries are buzzing and trying to get out with everything they are. Then they see the male flying j...

I lost my V-Card to a cute chick the other night

Had to call my bank today and cancel my visa

Have you ever had that moment when a cute girl winks at you and then her boyfriend winks at you too?

It's a wink wink situation

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.

As they walk through the ape exhibit and
pass in front of a very large gorilla, the
gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars,
holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting
and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is
obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy
dress....

I amputated my own fingers to get a date with a cute surgeon

She finally took my digits this time!

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog.

He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"
The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
"Ouch," he says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"
The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog."

A cute Knock Knock joke I made up

Moo!



Knock Knock!

Who's there?

Time travelling interrupting cow.

Time travelling interrupting cow who?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy asks a cute brunette with glasses at the library if he could sit with her

The sweet looking student responded loudly, "I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU."

All the other students at the library stare at the guy. Some of the other women even make nasty faces at the guy. His face turned red in embarrassment.

After about an hour, the girl walks up to the guy...

Her: If you were a vegetable, you'd be a cute-cumber.

Me: If you were a vegetable, I'd pull the plug.

I asked a cute statistician if I could get her phone number.

She said probably not.

What do you call a cute girl in an Amish church?

A visitor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter...

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter.

In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for...

There was once a forest man named Imm...

Imm always wanted to have a child and would always talk about it to his best friend Epp. One day when they were in their early twenties, Epp met a girl and quickly fell in love. Not long after, Epp and his girlfriend got married and had a baby girl they named Goo. Imm was happy for Epp at first, but...

Where do dogs go when they need a new tail?

A re-tail store.

I think it’s such a cute joke, it’s one of my favs :)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Phrase of the day

An American businessman is in Japan for an important contract. Feeling stressed out, he goes to a brothel and finds a cute, young girl. Although shy at first, soon she starts moaning and panting, and keeps on screaming "Soko janai! Soko janai!". While he couldn't speak or understand Japanese, the ma...

I went to see my hot female doctor yesterday.

Pretty sure she flirted with me,

she said I have a cute appendicitis..

What did the 90 degree angle say to the 60 degree angle?

Aren’t you a cute one.

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