UPJOKE

A Christmas Jokes

What do you call a Christmas wreath made out of $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins

What does a man who's had a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?

Decorative balls.

A Christmas Joke (...maybe a LITTLE early)

The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree. The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"

The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"

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I just got a Christmas card promising lots of anal and oral sex this year...

I fucking hate prison.

Say what you will about Die Hard, but it has the best ending for a Christmas movie…

Hans down.

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A man needs a Christmas gift for his new girlfriend. . .

A guy decides to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas. After all, they’ve only been dating for three weeks so it seems like the ideal gift – romantic, yet not too personal.

He asks the girlfriend’s younger sister to accompany him to buy them then she can point out a pair she’...

What’s the difference between a Christmas Dinner and a Hooters Waitress?

One is all pork and turkey.


The other is all talk and perky.

Last night I was at a Christmas party

Everyone was feeling Merry…….so she left

two blondes are looking for a Christmas tree in the forest.

After two hours of searching, one says: let's take one without christmas ornament

I was at a Christmas tree farm, chatting with the owner

And he told me that if I could find the tallest, heaviest tree and cut it down, that I could have it for free. I accepted the challenge and found the tallest, heaviest tree, and I cut it down. I dragged it to the front the farm to get it ready to take home and the owner exclaimed , “Wow! That’s my b...

What do trump and a Christmas tree both have in common ?

They both get thrown out in January

A Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It...

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What do you call a vibrator on a Christmas tree?

A pornament.

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This Weekend I Bought a Christmas Tree...

I went to the garden center today and bought a freshly-cut Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?”

I replied, “No, you sick fuck. I’ll be putting it up in my living room.”

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.


The entire fence was covered in lights! Fenc...

If you're struggling to buy someone a Christmas present..

Buy them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.

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**NSFW** A 20 year old joke

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hangi...

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Yesterday, I went to a Christmas Party

I had a few beers, followed by a few cocktails, followed by a few shots...

I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before: I took a cab home.

Sure enough, there was a police road block on the way home, and since it wa...

To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present

They're due back at the library today.

A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for a Christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh.

When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos.


She replied, "My husband always complains that there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

A restaurant in Heaven is serving a Christmas special. . .

One day, on Christmas, a restaurant in Heaven is having an extravagant, 3-course Christmas special.

“For our first course,” announces the head chef, “We’ll be serving the food you most commonly ate during your time on Earth!”

So, the waiters bring out everyone’s food. Some people get ...

I am faced with a Christmas dilemma

If I tell Santa what I want for Christmas, then I’ll definitely be on the naughty list.

What's the difference between a Christmas tree and a man?

A Christmas tree will stay up for weeks, has cute balls, and looks good with the lights on.

Little Jason was writing a Christmas card to his friend David

He asked his mum, "mum, how do I spell Merry Christmas"?

Mum: "You can find it on the card, it starts with the letter M".

A week later, David's mum sent a picture of a Christmas card to Jason's mum via Telegram. This was written in the card:

" David, Made in china. ...

A Christmas warning - be safe out there.

A warning to all.

Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many beers and then went on to shots. Not a good idea! Knowing I was over the lim...

A christmas joke

What did jesus say to the wise men when they came. Welcome to my crib yo

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A Christmas Miracle

It was Christmas time and the lady answered the door to the mailman. She said come inside I have something for you. She took him upstairs and screwed his brains out. The next morning she cooked him a huge breakfast and gave him a dollar. The mailman asked what just happened. She said “I asked my hus...

Mother: "Sweetie, make a Christmas wish."

Girl: "I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those naked girls in papa's computer."

A fellow from the Midwest has to spend Christmas in the deep South.

He's there on business, and he misses the snow. He tries to cheer himself up by walking around looking at a Christmas crèche ( a tableau representing the Nativity scene ). He's shocked to see that the three wise men are dressed as firemen, in hats and boots and slickers. He asks a passerby why in th...

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What's the difference between a christmas bonus and a penis?

The wife still blows the bonus.

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Thought I’d be nice and let the kids watch a Christmas movie. Big mistake...

because now they keep saying to each other “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker”

The community theater recently posted auditions for Aladdin and a Christmas play

On audition day, local news reporter Thi Xix Hao spotted someone crying outside the audition room.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

The dejected man looked up. “You look familiar” he said.

“I am local news reporter, Thi Xix Hao. You also look familiar to me”

“I am Chad Kroeger, ...

A motion picture crew is filming a Christmas movie.

A motion picture crew is filming a Christmas movie. The director wants to sprinkle white laundry soap flakes in front of the camera to simulate snowfall, so he sends his producer to the grocery store to buy some laundry soap.

The producer comes back several hours later. "It's the pandemic, ...

A Christmas Story

One particular Christmas season a long time ago Santa was ready for his Christmas run... but there were problems. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Cla...

I was at a Christmas party with a stunning German girl . . .

I noticed she was standing directly underneath a Mistletoe. I approached her and asked flirtatiously 'Ooh, what's that little thing above you?'

'Its called an Umlaut.'

50 cent gave Eminem a Christmas gift

Eminem was taken aback and choked up as he unwrapped the beautiful hand-made Christmas sweater.

Holding back tears, he turns to 50 and asks...

G-g-g-gee, you knit?

I got a Christmas tree

The man said, " Are you gonna put it up yerself?"

I said "No, I was thinking in the Loungeroom"

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What do you call a Christmas sex toy drive?

Toys for Thots.

I'm starting a Christmas themed thrash band.

Thinking of calling it Sleigher.

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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

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A Christmas Joke

A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for Christmas is for her husband to be interested in s*x.
Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills. He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how it's working.
So she takes the pills home and puts o...

What do you call a Christmas Tree that knows Kung Fu?

Spruce Lee

A Christmas Myth

After learning about different ways to celebrate Christmas, the children were eager to learn more about the subject. Knowing that one of the teachers at their school was from the UK and maybe had an angel on top of the tree instead of the classic star, they went to ask him about it.

It's a lo...

advisor: Mr. President, you need to give a Christmas address to the nation.

Trump: Just tell them to send my presents to Mar-a-Lago.

A Christmas tradition...

It was Christmas eve and Santa was in a really foul mood. The elves were on strike, Mrs. Claus was having one of her snit-fits, and the reindeer had gotten sick with dysentery and were tracking the results everywhere.

Just then, an angel appeared with a Christmas tree. "Hey, Santa! Where shou...

What is something you can say to praise a Christmas tree but shouldn't say about a woman?

Looks pretty in the darkness.

People need to stop pretending Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

It's a Christmas Eve movie.

It's tradition in my family that we always have a Christmas jumper.

It's my job to talk them down.

Two blondes are walking in forest searching for a Christmas tree

They both walk a long time but couldn't find a good one. Hour by hour passes but still none of them are good enough. It's already getting pitch dark. It's already midnight and finally one of them suddenly says "ugh, let's just pick one without decorations"

My uncle became a Christmas ornament...

He put a rope around his neck end hang himself onto a tree

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A husband forgot to buy his wife a Christmas present...

So early on Christmas morning the man quietly gets up and rushes to Walgreens to find something.

In the store, he runs to the only worker and describes his situation. He wants to get his wife something quickly and get home before she wakes up and notices he’s gone.

The worker underst...

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A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland. Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods and th...

Your mom is like a Christmas Tree...

she gets lit and covered in balls

I just watched A Christmas Carol with Patrick Stewart.

What he’s doing round my house I don’t know.

What does getting a Christmas gift and having a kid have in common?

It's usually way more fun to play with the box it came in.

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