Three guys share a bed

In the morning, the guy on the left says he had a dream about getting a handjob. The guy on the right says he had the same dream.

The guy in the middle says, "Oh that's weird. I had a dream that I was skiing."

What's a quick and easy way to turn a sofa into a bed?

Forget your other halfs birthday

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An auld fella from the west coast of Scotland is staying at a bed and breakfast in Cornwall.

On the first morning of his stay, the proprietor serves him a full English breakfast (sausages, bacon, black pudding, beans, mushrooms, tomatoes, fried slice and two pieces of bread and butter).

Later, as he’s about to go out, the proprietor asks him was the breakfast all to his liking.
...

Three people in a bed is called a threesome

Two people in a bed is called a twosome.
Now you know why people call you handsome.

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A bed salesman has an existential crisis and sells all of his wares for 100% off.

The sale slogan? “Fuck it, nothing really mattress.”

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I once shared a bed with a narcoleptic that had IBS.

She was a shit sleeper.

What do you call a bed that gets passed down through generations?

An heir mattress

A man was locked in a room with nothing but a calendar and a bed. How does he survive?

He eats dates from the calendar and drinks water from the springs of the bed.

My friend asked for advice on buying a bed

I told him "before you make a decision, you should sleep on it"

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(NSFW) Three men and a bed

Three guys walk into a motel and find out there is only one room with only one bed. Since it's the only motel in town, the guys decide to share the bed. They get to their room, squeeze in, and fall asleep. 
The next morning, the guy on the left side of the bed wakes up and says, "I had the crazie...

What do you call a boy cat sleeping on a bed?

Himalayan.

*Be gentle. First post on here!

I was really embarrassed when my wife walked in on me playing with my son’s train set by myself, so in a moment of panic, I threw a bed sheet over it...

I think I managed to cover my tracks...

What do you do when you really need to buy a bed?

Put your futon the gas.

Two blind man are lying on a bed.

One asks another one:
-Hey bro are you jacking off?
The other one replies:
-Yes,why?
The first one says:
-Can you please switch to yourself...

Two guys sittin in a bed

6 ft apart cause they respect social distancing

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A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway.

When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked but if it would help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the doctor said. As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs...

100 lawyers are in a bus stuck on a bed of quicksand

... Let that sink in

A man jumps on a bed

A man jumps on a bed expecting it to be soft and fluffy...

\*Wham!\*
Instead he experienced a very firm landing.
\*Owww!\*
I think this memory foam has amnesia!

Three dumbass people were sleeping on a bed.

There wasn't enough space for the three of them. One of them moved to sleep on the floor. When he went, one of the dumb guys called him and said "dude come back! There's suddenly a lot of space here!"

What has a mouth but never talks, runs but never walks, has a bed and never sleeps?

A river

I used to work as a bed salesman

One day this guy came in and started climbing into the beds and asking really specific questions. Then it hit me, he was an undercover cop.

Chicken sitting on the edge of a bed...

...smoking a cigarette, content. Egg laying on the bed looking frustrated. The egg says well... I guess that answers THAT question!

Don’t know if you should get a bed

Maybe you should sleep on it

When does a bed grow longer?

At night, because two feet are added to it.

How do you stop a black guy from jumping on a bed?

Put velcro on the ceiling.

My wife didn’t want to buy a bed from the local furniture store because of their moto...

We stand behind every bed we sell.

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Russian guys buys a car, curtains, and a bed

A russian guy always dreamed of living in The UK, but he had a one problem.. he couldn't say a word in english.. so as a genius he was he decided that he will go to the shops, he will listen to people calling and naming certain things and he'll call'em same. So at the car shop he buys a car and he...

What is the difference between a piece of fabric with elastic around the edges, designed to go on a bed, and an unexpected bout of diarrhea when wearing sandals?

One is a fitted sheet...

What's Aaron Hernandez's favorite part of a bed sheet?

The tight end.

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I'm trying not to get my girlfriend pregnant, so when we went shopping for a bed

I suggested a pull out.

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Three men have to share a bed

They're on a ski trip together, and due to a clerical error there is only one room left in the lodge. There is only one large bed, and there are no cots.

So the three pile in and try to keep their distance.

The next morning they wake up, and the man sleeping on the left edge of the bed...

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My Aunt turned her house into a bed & breakfast

I guess she woke up one day and thought: "not enough strangers are fucking in here"

What did the blanket scream as it fell off a bed?

Oh Sheet

I'd like to buy a bed, please. Certainly, madam. Spring mattress?

Oh, no! I want to be able to use it all year.

What did one male orphan say to another when they were forced to share a bed?

"No home bro."

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Superman is patrolling the skies of Metropolis, but then sees Wonder Woman completely naked in a penthouse suite lying on a bed...

Superman: "Hmm, if I can fly faster than the speed of light, I can probably have sex with her so fast she won't even know what happened!"

So Superman flies in, does the deed, and flies away with a big smile.

Meanwhile in the suite...
Wonder Woman: "What the fuck was that?"
The I...

It's difficult to get anything specific out of a bedding expert...

...since they're always making blanket statements

Potentially funny joke about a bed

I just haven't made it up yet.

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A young couple checks into a Bed and Breakfast.

When they get to their room, they proceed to have crazy wild sex for the next several days without coming out.
The Innkeeper, concerned, knocks on their door and asks "Are you hungry?"
The young couple laughs and then happily replies, in unison "We are living off the fruits of our love!"
Th...

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Two rednecks, husband and wife, open a Bed&Breakfast place...

Among their first clients, was a couple of French. They give them the key to the room, and during the night, the redneck wife decides to go and spy on them through the key hole. She sees how the French woman strips in front of her husband and throws her lingerie at him. Seeing how aroused the man wa...

What is a bed's least favourite time of year?

Spring break.

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

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