UPJOKE

A 100 Jokes

Everyone asked a 100-year-old man and his 98-year-old wife for their health secrets.

The old man said "I'll tell you my secret. I've been married for 75 years. I promised my wife when we got married that when we quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometres. So I've been walking 5 kilometres every day for past 75 years! Everyone applauded and asked again "But how come your wife is...

A woman had a 100 children.

She didn't have the creativity to give them unique names so she named each of them a number from 1-100. The first child was named 'One', second was named 'Two' and so on.

But in a tragic accident 99 children died. Only the one named Ninety survived. Ninety eventually grew up and lived a whole...

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So a guy wanted to get a tattoo of a 100 dollar bill on his... (NSFW)

penis, so he went to a tattoo artist. The tattoo artist asked the guy why he really wanted to get a 100 dollar bill on his penis. And the guy said, for one I like to play with my money. For two, I like to watch my money grow and Third, my girlfriend can blow 100 bucks better than anyone else.

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A 100 year old Japanese man is being interviewed for a newspaper piece about extreme old age

and the reporter asks "do you think there's any merit to the stereotype that people from this village live a lot longer than others?"

The old man thinks for a second and says "you know, I'm not sure. Let me go ask my dad". And the reporter, stunned, stammers "y-your dad? Where is he right now...

A 100 married men go to hell

Here they meet the devil who gives them an option, either stand in the left row which grants them access to heaven.

Or stand in the right row where eternal torture awaits.

However, you can not stand in the left row if your wife was the boss in the relationship.

After a swift shu...

I am a 100 days sober!

...
Not in a row or anything, just total.

How do kids from chernobyl count to a 100?

On their fingers

An American and a Russian freeze themselves for a 100 years

....taking a bet whose country will be doing better in the future. So they enter the cryo chamber and go to sleep. When they wake up, they buy a newspaper. The Russian takes it and as he reads the headline, he starts smiling.
"The communist party wins the U.S. Elections for the fifth time in a r...

If you kill 10 children out of a 100..

Only 90 kids will remember

What’s another name for a 100% steel cage?

A Nickelless Cage.

A man walks into a bank with a 100 dollar check he wants cashed.

The banker asks him if he wouldn't rather invest it?

"No." says the man. "I don't trust these banks more than I have too. If I give you my 100 dollars, what happens if the investment goes south? I'll lose everything."

"Well," says the banker with a paternal smile, "If that happens, all...

I saw a guy drop a 100 dollar bill, I picked it up and asked myself: "what would Jesus do?"

......So I turned it into wine

What is a 100-year-old's favorite metal band?

Age Against the Machine.

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Jesus fed a 100 people bread

Hitler made 6 million jews toast

I started a 100 subject survey on which shampoo women prefer to use...

Only got to the 3rd shower before i was arrested.

A manager announces to his staff, “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”

A voice in the background says, “I’m offering 200!”

A 100 year old man who lived next to a Formula 1 track all his life got interview by the local news

Reporter: "100 years is a long time, has this place had an affect on your life in any way?

The old man scratched his head and took a minute to think and said:

"NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO".

(Works better when you tell it lol)

A 100 meter race

Announcer : 1 2 3 start.

Everyone except one guy started running.

Announcer : Why aren't you running ?

The guy : Because my number is four.

Just made up a 100-year-old joke:

What do you call a metal dog?

>!Rin Tin Tin!<

I have a 100 heads, 100 hands, 100 feet. What am I?

A goddamn liar

I finally got a 100 on a test!

It was an IQ test.

What happens when you get a 100 socially awkward people together in a room?

Nothing.

Always give a 100% in everything you do

Unless it's blood donation

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What is a high wire walker, and a guy getting a blow job from a 100 year old woman both thinking?

Whatever you do, don't look down.

If a 100 ton Brachiosaurus stepped on you...

Youd be deeply impressed

Why do you bury politicians a 100 feet down?

Because deep down they’re really good people.

[blonde] Two girls were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.

"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."

"Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"

The blonde turned around again. "Yes... no... yes... no...yes..."

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A 100 year-old man goes to the doctor and says “I need my sex drive lowered!”

The doctor replies “I think it’s all in your head.”

The old mans exclaims “That’s the problem, I need it LOWER!”

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