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A 70 year old, 80 year old and 90 year old men in a nursing home were talking.

“Being 70 is the worst!” The 70 year old exclaims. “Every morning at 7, I wake up to pee, but nothing comes out!”

“Oh, that’s nothing!” The 80 year old says. “Each morning at 8, I wake up to poop, and I sit on the toilet for what seems like hours, but nothing comes out!”

“Oh, that’s no...

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A 70 year old virgin Nun goes to a gynecologist

Because she is experiencing some discomfort. When she explains what’s going on, the gynecologist runs some tests. Later he came back into the room and told the nun that her tests are positive for crabs. “That’s impossible, my body hasn’t been touched by anyone.” She says to him. So she leaves to go ...

What's the difference between a 20 year old hooker and a 70 year old hooker?

One uses Vaseline, the other Poligrip.

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A 70 year old guy goes to see his doctor

He tells the doctor he got himself a 22 year old sugar baby and is having sex 3 times a week.

The doctor asks if he has any aching joints or pain, and the guy tells him no.

The doctor then asks if he thinks he has an STD, or has had any itching, and the guy says no, and goes on to say ...

A 60 year old, a 70 year old and an 80 year old man are talking...

The sixty year old says:
- Man, the age of 60 is so painful. You walk around the toilet, and you open and close the tap, but still, at the end of the day, you can only pee a few drops... It's horrible!
- That's horrible?! - says the 70 y. o. - At the age of 70 you can barely push anything out ...

What is orange, about 70 years old, has caused enormous damage to the environment, and is a great embarrassment to the US?

Agent orange, duh.

Someone asked an old man "Even after 70 years you still call your wife darling, honey luv. What's the secret?"

The old man replied " I forgot her name and i was too scared to ask her"

A 90 year old woman had just lost her husband of 70 years. She phoned the local paper to put her loss in the obituary.

The receptionist tells her that its £1 per word.
"Oh my. I don't have much money so can you just write 'Mort is dead,' please?"

Feeling sorry for the poor old lady, the receptionist tells her she can have another 3 words, free of charge.

The recently widowed OAP thinks for a seco...

The surgeon and his wife.

Heard this in the OR today during surgery.

A middle aged surgeon and his wife are walking along a sandy beach, when they notice a brass lamp protruding from then ground.
The wife picks it up and a genie immediately spouts forth from the lamp. "You each may have 3 wishes", the genie says....

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A 70 year old man goes into a brothel. He picks out a young pretty woman, ....

... they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed.

The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free.

He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to take a 20 minu...

A 70 year old man asked his wife: "do you feel sad when u see me running after the young girls?"

wife replied : no, not at all. every dogs chase cars they can't drive

A 70 year old man named George goes in for a doctors appointment.

All of his physical tests yield normal result, so the doctor asks George if he is feeling well mentally, which George replies he is. He is then asked if he has a good relationship with his god. George explains that when he gets up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, the light automatical...

My 70 year old father recently enrolled in college

His first year and he's already a senior.

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A 70 year old couple had been dating for a couple of months... Long NSFW

After a night of dinner and a movie they went back to the lady’s house and things started escalating from there. As they were making out and getting friskier by the moment the lady said to the man that it’d been a very long time since a man has pleasured her orally. Wanting to please her the man mad...

What do you call a 70 year old man trapped in the emotional state of a 14 year old girl?

Mr. President.

A 70 years oldman who has just married came to a doctor to check his sperm health.

The doctor took a jar and said "take this jar home, and return it tomorrow morning with your sperm sample inside"

On the next day, this oldman returned to the doctor and gave the jar. But the jar was still empty and no sperm at all inside it.

The doctor asked him why it's still empty a...

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What does 70 year old pussy taste like?

Depends

A 70 year old woman finally agreed to a blind date.

After ordering his food, the man said, "I have to be careful what I eat. I have dentures. Do you wear dentures?"

The woman, who was also clearly wearing dentures, but was too self-conscious to admit that, answered, "No, not me."

"Oh really?" said the man, "I don't think you are very to...

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Two 70 year old men

Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, som...

Prince Charles has been waiting 70 years

And now he got the wrong Corona

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There is a 25 year old guy walking a tightrope across a Deep River Gorge while Halfway Around the World another 25 year old guy was getting a blowjob from a 70 year old woman but at the exact moment both men were thinking the exact same thought

Don't Look Down

A 70 year old man went for a sperm test

The Doctor gave him a bottle to collect sperm.


The next day, the man came with the empty bottle and said he tried with his left hand then right hand.
Then his wife tried with her left hand and right
hand. Then his daughter-in-law tried with both
hands & mouth. Then the neighb...

A 70 year old lady applies to a university

At the interview, the interviewers ask her:

"Why are you applying at such an age?"

and she replied

"Because my husband has always dreamed of sleeping with a student."

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From a 70 year old dude in a bar

How many skin divers does it take to circumsize a whale......4

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A news reporter goes to see a Jewish man who has been going to the western wall in Israel to pray once a day for 70 years

the reporter goes up to him and says, "hello I"m a reporter for the BBC and we know you"re quite famous around this wall so we were wondering if we could ask you a few questions." The man agrees and she asks, "so we were wondering; what have you actually been praying for all of these years?"The man ...

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Three old men, 70, 80, and 90 years young, sat on a park bench for a chat.

During their conversation, the topic of sleep schedules and bodily functions comes up. Of course, being a competitive group, each one feels the need to have the most significant problems.

The 70 year old says, "I wake up at 5 AM every morning and need to pee urgently, but I have to stand th...

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Anniversary.

A couple are celebrating 70 years of marriage and this year the wife says:
"Dear, do you remember when we use to have breakfast in the nude?"
"I want to do it again"
The couple has breakfast in the buff and the husband romantically says," Your just as beautiful as you were so many years ago...

An old man sits down in the confessional booth at his local church

and says, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned”.

The priest says, “Tell me of your sins, my son.”

The old man says, “Well, Father, I’m 90 years old; I’ve been married to my wife for 70 years, and in all that time I’ve always been faithful…. But last night, I made love to two beautifu...

An Alien Doctor

It's year 5038, and humans are living together with various alien civilizations across the universe.

One day, a human mother and her human son visited an alien doctor. The son had a rare interstellar desease. The doctor performed a surgery on him.

After several hours, surgery came to e...

A jewish grandmother

A jewish grandmother is at the beach with her 10 years old jewish grandson. She's chilling while he's playing in the water.

Suddenly, a huge wave comes and takes the kid away with it. The grandmother is obviously in tears and starts speaking to God.

"It's been more than 70 years since ...

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A 70 year old man went to his doctor’s office complaining about a pain in his private parts.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “We will start with a sperm test. Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.” The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor’s office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what...

70 year old man goes to his doctor

and tells the doctor the night before he met a woman half his age. She started flirting with him, and one thing led to another. He went back to her place, he got instantly hard, and they screwed like bunnies for 4 hours.

The doctor asks, "So what's wrong?". Guy responds, "Nothing's wrong."...

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A 70 year old woman walks into a sex shop...

..And asks the shopkeeper:

" -Do you happen to have any vibrators?"

" -Yes ma'am, they're on that shelf."

" -Mmmm, I think I'll take the red one."

" -It's the shelf above the fire extinguisher, ma'am."

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The 40 year old virgin.

John was 40 years old, but still a virgin. He tried everything possible to get laid, but to no avail. So as a last resort, he decided to pray to the angels up in heaven.

He made it a habit of praying, before going to bed.10 years passed and on his 50th birthday, an angel appeared before him ...

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A man joins a new hunting club.

His first night at the lodge, he asks around for the guy with the best hunting stories.

“The man over there in the wheelchair is named James. He’s 90 years old and has been hunting all over the world for 70 years. He’s got some great stories”.

So the man walks over, introduces himself...

A 90 year old couple appears in front of the judge to get a divorce.

The judge says, "My gosh you've been married for 70 years and you're 90 years old! Why would you want to get a divorce now? They reply, "We've been waiting for the kids to die."

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Three olds men talks on a bench about retirement

One is 70 years old, the other 80, and the last 90
The first one says : When I wake up in the morning, I get out of bed, take my breakfast, take a shit, then go for a run
The second says : I do the same, I wake up in the morning, get out of bed, take my breakfast, take a shit, then I go for a ...

A young engaged couple were very much lookimg forward to their marriage.

One Sunday afternoon they went out for a drive in the country, and had a terrible head-on collision with a heavy truck.

Suddenly they found themselves unexpectedly at heaven’s gates, to the surprise of St Peter also. “How come you two are here?” he asked, “You weren’t due here for another fif...

What's the difference between an argument in kindergarten and the presidential debate?

About 70 years

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[Long] A guy walks into a bar and demands 3 shots of tequila. Bartender obliges and says, "rough day?". "You have no idea!", the guy replies as he slams down the shots...

He begins telling him about his horrible day when a jar full of money at the end of the bar catches his eye. "What's that jar of money for over there? It's full to the brim of $10's and $20's!"

Bartender tells him it's a challenge he offers to his patrons, $10 to play, and you have to complet...

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(NSFW) A 90-year old man walks into a church confessional...

'Father,' he says, 'I'm 90 years old...been married for 70 years. Yesterday two college girls picked me up at the store. We drove to a motel and I fucked them both!'
'And are you remorseful?' asks the priest.
'Hell no.'
'So then what do you think of these sins?' the priest asks.
'What si...

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My 70 year old grandpa told me this one the other

A native American boy goes up to his father and asks.

"Father how do you come up with our names?"

The father replies "Well the morning your sister was born we looked outside and there was a lark in the grass so we named her Morning Lark"

The boy replies "Okay well how about my ...

A man and his wife have been married for 70 years

One day the man decides to venture into the attic, in the attic he finds a small box with four cloth dolls and one hundred thousand dollars inside. He took the box down to his wife and asked her about the box. She says that when they got married her mother told her to sew a cloth doll whenever she g...

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My joke was removed for comparing Trump to Hitler

Apparently it's against the rules to make personal attacks on someone even after they've been dead for over 70 years.

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My joke was removed for comparing Trump to Hitler

Apparently it's against the rules to make personal attacks on someone even after they've been dead for over 70 years.

A man wins the lottery...

[*I heard this joke for the first time as a 13 year old at a family party. So imagine my mild mannered German 70 year old great uncle calmly telling this joke to the whole table. I had never heard him tell a joke before. It's still one of my favourite jokes*]

A man wins the lottery after year...

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A man walks into a bar...

He sits at the bar and orders a shot of whisky. While his drink is being poured, the man spots a jar of ten dollar bills sitting by the peanuts labeled, “bar challenge”.
Curious, the man asked the bartender what was up with that.
“That there is the current jackpot for this months bar challen...

A group of elders meet in a restaurant every 10 years for a reunion.

When they're 60 Years old they say, let's go to "The Southern Merchant", because the food there is really good.

When they're 70 Years old they say, let's go to "The Southern Merchant", because the waitress is cute.

When they're 80 years old they say, let's go to "The Southern Merchant"...

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Four friends meet for their morning tee time,

they step onto the first tee box and rip their drives down the middle. As they are walking towards their balls the 1st Golfer says, "You guys don't realize how much this round of golf is costing me! I've had to let my mother-in-law stay over for a month!"
The 2nd Golfer says, "I've had to buy my...

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Check up at the doctors

A 70 year old woman went to the doctor for a check up.
The doctor told her she needed more activity & recommended sex three times a week.
She said to the doctor, "Please, tell to my husband".
The doctor goes out in the waiting room & tells the husband that his wife needs to ha...

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of $100 bills on the counter

He asks the bartender "Hey, what's with the jar?"

The bartender replies "Well, we have a running challenge here in the bar. It has three parts. If you look at the end there, you'll see Big Jim. Big Jim is the baddest motherfucker in town. You have to knock Big Jim out."

The guy looks d...

A man and his wife attends an airshow

The man sees a small aeroplane with an open roof and beautiful aesthetics. On a sign beside the plane wrote "100 dollars for a flight per person" The man asked his wife "can we take a flight? It is my dream to take a flight in this beautiful plane." His wife said "No, 200 dollars is too much money"<...

Talking Frog.

A 70 year old retired Military officer had one hobby - he loved to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' he looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, ''Pick me up. '

...

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man l...

First-timer at the nudist colony

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and
starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde
walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for...

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The definition of success is different for different ages

5 year old-Not peeing in your pants at night

12 years old-Having a lot friends

16 years old-Being able to drive

20 years old-Having a lot of sex

34 years old-Having a lot of money

54 years old-Having a lot of sex

65 years old-Being able to drive

70 ye...

If you need expert advice in a home improvement store, find a man between 50 and 60 years old. he has been there and done that.

don't ask the 70 year old man.
he's been there, done that, and already forgotten what you asked him.

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A little boy wished for 10 ping-pong balls for his 10th birthday.

A little boy wished for 10 ping-pong balls for his 10th birthday.
When he turned 11 he wished for 11 ping-pong balls. This continued every year.

They boy grew up to a man. When he turned 18, he wished for 18 ping-pong balls and when he turned 25 he wished for 25 ping-pong balls.

H...

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Israeli Hell

A person dies and is judged for his sins.

“Well,” says the angel, “Sorry, dude, but you are going to hell. But as a bonus for not being a complete putz, you are granted the choice to which hell to go. Your options are: the Soviet hell, the Nazi hell or the Israeli hell.”

The sinner thi...

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Rye Bread

A 77-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
His friend which was 70 years old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 77-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day.
It keeps your energy level high and yo...

A hip young man goes out and buys a 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. It is the best convertible sports car, costing about $250,000.

He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped, wearing an open face crash helmet (looking about 70 years old) pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny red surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The youn...

An old guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks for ID.

"You've got to be kidding," he said. "I'm almost 70 years old." The bartender apologized, but said he had to see the license. The guy showed his ID, then paid and told the bartender to keep the change. "The tip's for carding me," he said. The bartender put the change in the tip cup. "Thanks," h...

One day, old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair...

There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person.

Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that."

Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $...

This little old lady...

So there's this little old lady who lost her husband. They had been high school sweethearts, married young, and lived together for 70 years until the day he died. She was a housewife her whole life and never even dated anyone else, so she moved into an assisted living facility when her husband passe...

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A little old lady goes into an adult bookstore.

A little old lady, about 70 years old, walks into an adult bookstore and slowly shuffles up to the counter, her hands shaking. She stutteringly says, "Eh, eh, excuse me, b-but I'm embarrased..."
The clerk says, "Please don't be ma'am, human sexuality is a beautiful, natural thing. You have nothin...

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The bar

A man walks into a bar and buys a drink.

He notices a large glass container filled with money and asks the bartender:

“What is that glass container for?”

The bartender replies:

“We have a game here in this bar that no one has ever beat. To play you must pay $50.”

T...

A young man goes into the public swimming pool because he wants to swim the 100 meters.

At the edge of the pool are sitting three elderly ladies and watch him swimming the 100 meters in one and a half minutes.

As he climbs out of the pool, one of the three ladies says, "Not bad, but I'm 70 years old and can do it better!" "I do not think so, you have to prove that to me!" Says ...

An old man and young redhead...

A few old friends are drinking at a fancy pub in the finest country club in town, and a gorgeous young redhead walks in. She walks right over to their table and gives a big kiss to one of the gentlemen. "Guys, please meet my fiancée, we're getting married next week!"

"Wow! Congratulations!" t...

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Three old guys are hanging out in the nursing home

They're old friends, and every day they sit together and shoot the breeze.

One day, Bob, the 70 year old, says "You know, I don't mind getting old. I can still play golf, flirt with the ladies - life's good! But you know what I miss? I miss peeing. Lord, I haven't had a good piss in years - I...

Help! I'm stuck in this gas chamber.

If I don't get out now I'll die from all this oxygen and nitrogen in 70 years!

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The devil finally gets to Hitler in hell.

"What the fuck?!" Says Hitler, "nearly 70 years you've had me waiting."

"It's your own fucking fault!" Replied the devil, "have you any idea how long it takes to process 6 million Jews?"

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An old Man Sees a young boy sitting on the curb

The man notices that the child has a rather large bag of candy, and is shovelling it into his mouth at an alarming rate.

The old man , Feeling obliged to pass on his knowledge , Tells the boy.

"Hey Kid , If you keep eating candy like that , you wont live for much longer!"

The yo...

A life long union supporting man decides to take a trip to Vegas...

When he arrives he decides he is going to look into the brothels that he has heard about. He walks into one and calls the Madam over. "Is your brothel union? He asks. "Nope." replies the Madam. "What is the house cut?" He asks. "The house gets 70% and the girls get 30%" He shakes his head in d...

An older woman goes to the doctor

A 70 year old woman goes to the doctor and says: 'I'm having a very embarrassing problem doctor, I'm farting all day long, but I'm in luck the farts don't smell and you can barely hear them.'
The doctor prescribes her some pills, whereof everyday she has to take 2.

After 2 weeks the woman...

There is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day...

One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body.

He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand except for the one part sticking out.

...

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Old Couple are driving in the countryside....

... it is a very tranquil setting. The couple have been together since they have been sixteen, first love. The countryside is beautiful, rolling hills, green pastures, a peace and beauty that reflects the beauty of their hearts.

Suddenly, the old lady turns and slaps the face of the old man, ...

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Old Lady in the Outback

Three brothers were lost in the desert. For two days they were stranded surviving off of bugs. On the third day, they came across a strange looking shack. The three brothers went to the door and knocked hoping someone was inside. They knocked again and out came a dirty, wrinkly old lady wearing thic...

Four strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a European train.

Four strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticatead 70 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old—wh...

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Girl fully exhausted

A young girl after her honeymoon
came fully exhausted and tired,

When her friends asked her what happened?

She replied :
When this 70 year old bastard told me
he has saved a lot from last 50 years,

"I thought It was MONEY

Halloween is coming up. This is the best time to teach your kids about taxes and social security...

Take away 30% of their Halloween candy and promise them you'll give part of it back in 70 years!

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I respect my wife

One day, a man interviews a 90 year old couple who have been married for 70 years. During the entire interview, the man is always constantly respectful of his wife. He does whatever she says without a hint of complaint. The reporter asks, "How is it possible you are still happily married after so lo...

Germans today are so lazy;

It's been more than 70 years since they last invaded their neighbors

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I Love Willy

In his first day working in an old folks home a young man is bed bathing an old lady.

He noticed a tattoo and in an attempt to start conversation he comments;

"I like your tattoo, what is it is says?"

He strains his eyes to read it (wrinkles and all).

"I love Willy"? ...

Saw a joke about an elderly couple who were getting a divorce, reminded me of this old gem.

The elder couple are in divorce court. Everything is basically going as per usual except both of the soon to be divorcees are well into their nineties. After seeing all the paperwork, the judge ask, "Now folks, help me understand this. You've been married for over 70 years! Why are you getting a div...

Golf and vino

70 year old Luigi goes to his doctor for an annual check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape Luigi is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

‘I'm Italian and a golfer’ says Luigi, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out go...

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A journalist is doing a report about people at the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem.

And she sees an old man coming back after a prayer.

-Sir, may I ask you how long have you been visiting the wall and praying here?

-Oh about 70 years now, not less.

-70 years! If it's not a secret, what have you been asking from God all these years?

-I've been asking for ...

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It's a Jewish man's 95th birthday

His friends decided last minute they would get him a stripper. The only person available was about 70 years old.

At his party, the stripper, tassels at her knees, was giving the old man a lap dance when she said,

"Ooh baby. I'm gonna give you some supa sex tonight!" To which he replie...

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