UPJOKE

5 Star Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks by a 5 star restaurant and sees a sign on the window that says "piano player wanted"

He asks to speak to the manager, who he then tells he'd like to apply for the job. The manager brings him over to the piano to see what he's got. The man plays the most beautiful piece the manager has ever heard. He pulls out his handkerchief to wipe away a few tears.

Deeply moved, the manag...

Texas is the Lone Star state.

Of course, that’s out of a possible 5 stars.

When shopping for a vacuum on amazon, never trust a 5 star review.

There is no such thing as a perfect vacuum.

Wanna know why China has 5 stars in their country flag?

It's how much they rated themselves for the human rights violations

An attempt at OC after one year on Reddit.

I slept with a girl that works at Amazon last night.

I got a text from her today that said: “People who slept with me also bought a STD kit and this 5 star genital wart cream.”

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A husband and wife are checking out of a hotel

Receptionist: "That will be $400, sir"

Husband: "But we only stayed one night! Why is it so expensive???"

Receptionist: "We are a 5 star hotel, sir, with a world class private golf course and one of the finest spas in the country."

Husband: "But we didn't use the golf course, an...

TIL Texas is called the lone star state

because it was the minimum allowed in a 5 star rating system

My partner and I can never agree on vacations.

I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.

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Can we start using "stars" as a unit of measurement, instead of inches?

It sounds way better to tell the ladies I have a 5 star penis

i made this up as a kid or seen it on the internet or smth...idk it is funny

3 aliens come down to earth...examining earth and humans on this planet. They wanted to interact with the species so they agreed to split up.

The first alien went to a classroom at a school. He was surrounded by a lot of kids Yelling the word 'ME ME ME' repeatedly as the kids were jumping up...

Chinese Flag Rating

I’d give it uhhh 5 stars.

I went to see a stage performer that does live sacrifices of celebrities during his act

I gave him 5 stars.

If the cops were asked to rate a GTA game...

They'd give it 5 stars.

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A musical joke [kinda NSFW]

A man won a weekend in 5 star hotel with all inclusive package - free food, drinks and presidential apartment.

Wanting to fully enjoy the package, the man visited each night the luxury restaurant and ordered the most expensive dishes and drinks.

At the end of his stay, one of the recep...

An Airbus A380 is on its way across the Atlantic.

It flies consistently at 907 km/h in 35,000 feet, when suddenly a Euro-fighter with Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”



He rol...

The constellation Cassiopeiae is great

5 stars but a terrible joke

I have a Yelp Page

My restaurant, Grand Theft Auto, is doing well, but I can’t seem to get 5 stars

I had a really chatty Uber driver today...

He kept saying stuff like, "Who are you and why are you in my car?" and "Please get out or I'll call the cops."

5 stars.

A lady is bargaining for a honeymoon package abroad..

Says the agent: "Check it out maam. 3 nights and 4 days in a cruise to Bahamas, all night party and casino environment with free booze. Just $2000 per couple. Hell of a deal."

The lady: "Umm. Nice one. But do you have anything cheaper?"

The agent: "Sure maam. 4 nights and 5 days in Aus...

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A Black Co-Worker Told Me This One

A black man heard about a trip to go to Africa and experience his real culture, and it was at a discounted price of $1000.00. He would go to a 5 star hotel, and be taken care of for his whole trip.

He starts saving up his money. At the end of the month he counts his money and has a thousand d...

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Tom dies and wakes up in a strange place.

He looks around and sees beautiful surroundings, as if he's at a 5 star resort.

A man in a red outfit walks up to him and says, "Hey buddy, welcome to Hell! I'm the Devil!"

Tom looks around, confused. "Um...I didn't think this was going to be what hell looks like?"

The Devil say...

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