UPJOKE

5 Inch Jokes

We got 5 inches of snow today.

Or as my husband would say...8 inches.

It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman.

Doesn't matter if it's Visa or Mastercard.

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When a fly drops 5 inches

A fly flies back and forth over a river repeatedly, dropping five inches each time. A fish sees it and decides it will jump and catch it when it drops.
A bear sees the fish and decides it will get the fish when it jumps.
A hunter with a cheese sandwich in his pocket sees the bear and waits for...

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Steve with 25 inch Long penis to God : I can’t live with this long penis.

God : Go to that Lake,
You will find a Female Frog. Ask her to marry you,
she’ll say No & you will Lose 5 inch.

Steve Went & asked the Frog : will you marry me?

Frog : No

He Lost 5 inches.

He thought 20 inch is still Long.

So he asked again : will you...

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What's 5 inch long and starts with a P?

....a shit

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A man had a [Long] penis

He had a 25 inch long package.

It created difficulties in his life as it was not easy to move around with it and women were afraid of him too.

One day he was wondering to himself how he could change his penis and his life into a normal one while walking down a road, there, he came ac...

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A man with a 25-inch long penis

goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long.

"Doctor," he asks in total frustration, "Is there any way you can shorten it?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do...

We're getting 5 inches of snow tonight

6.5 inches if it's male meteorologist that forecasts.

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I got into a fight with a girl and she said she bets I have a tiny penis

I responded with "what difference does it make to you? You're so ugly I wouldn't touch you with a 1.5 inch pole"

Women only need 3.5 inches to achieve maximum pleasure...

...it's called a "credit card"

Girl: How do you know Apple is run by men? Because they call it the iPhone 6+ when it's only 5.5 inches long

Guy: Of course it's run by men, it's a trillion dollar company, not a kitchen

The average man in 5 inches long when erect.

I guess I trump that. I'm 5 ft 10.

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According to google, to be a grower you must be 1.5 inches longer when erect than flaccid

I still don’t know if I’m a grower though as my dick is never that long


Sorry if this sucks, I can’t deliver jokes, if you think it needs improvement leave revisions in comments

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25 inch penis

A man with a 25 inch cock goes to the witch in the woods with hopes she can make it smaller.

the witch says to go further and find the magick talking frog. when you do, ask him if he will marry you. when he says no your dick shrinks 5 inches.

the man finds the frog and asks "will you m...

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People with a penis length less than 5 inches rate things on a scale of 1-5...

People with a penis length less than 5 inches rate things on a scale of 1-5.

People with a penis length above 5 inches tend to rate things on a scale of 1-10.

1-100 people will get this.

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Scientists say the average size of the male penis has gone down to 5 inches.

This just shows how big the Asian population is getting.

It’s proved, that it is easy to please a woman with just 3.5 inches.

I am talking about credit card length.

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Bob the builder goes up to a girl in a nightclub.

He says, "I have an 8 inch dick and can Fuck all night long"... After a few beers she takes Bob home with her.

The next morning she says,"You said you had an 8 inch dick and could last all night. Instead you have a 5 inch dick and lasted 3 minutes"..

Bob replies "I'm a builder love. It...

I was watching the weather on TV tonight and the forecaster said, "And because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we can expect about 5 inches of snow." She then glared off camera and continued...

"Or as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches."

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A patient had a terrible stuttering problem

and the doctor realized it was due to the man’s 15 inch penis pulling on his vocal cords.

The doctor talks the man into removing 5 inches of the penis and freezing it in case the man ever decided to have it re-attached. The surgery is a success and the man can speak stutter-free for the firs...

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A man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies, "Yes, father. I used the "F-word" over the weekend."

The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-wo...

Girls call me Mr. Microsoft

because I have a 3.5 inch floppy

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An African, an American and an Asian guy get captured by tribals in a jungle.

The tribal chief tells them, “We will only let you go alive if the combined length of your penises adds up to 20 inches.”

The African steps up to the plate, whips out his genitalia and comes out at an impressive 14 inches.

The American goes next. He unzips his pants, sticks it out and...

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A girl I was talking to online enquired about my penis size...

She said that she only asked because she has dated nothing but "pencil-dick" guys before, but they were awkward to work with and never brought her the satisfaction she desired in from a partner.

I assured her "You don't have to worry about that with me, my penis is waaaaaaaay shorter then 7.5...

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A man with a 25 inch penis...

Was having a hard time getting laid so he goes to the doctor. The doctor said “No, I’m sorry but you will have to go to a surgeon”. The man goes to the surgeon and the surgeon said “ Sorry there’s nothing I can do but you can try a witch doctor”. So the man thought at this point he might as well giv...

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A guy with a 25 inch penis goes to a witch doctor

He asks, is there anything you can do to shorten it Women won’t have sex with me. It’s too big.she said no but if you go in the forest there’s a pond with a magical frog that grants the wish you’re thinking of every time he says the word no, so you ask him to marry him to guarantee the correct respo...

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A man walks into confessional and says, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned..."

The priest replies, "What is it that brings you here?"

"Well father, I used the F-word over the weekend."

"Oh is that all? Say five Hail Mary’s and may the Lord be with you."

The man replies, "but I really need to talk about it."

"Let’s have it then," the priest says as h...

What does a woman and a computer have in common?

Neither would take a 3.5 inch floppy.

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So a man has a 25 inch dick

A man has a 25 inch dick and he hates it

It always gets in the way, he has to wrap it around his leg wherever he goes, and it never fits in a woman.

So he goes to this magic wizard to help him get a shorter dick. The wizard tells him to go into the nearby forest and find this talking ...

I'll never forget when I saw it for the first time.

I was 12 at the time, I just hit puberty. I measured it and it was 3.5 inches if I remember correctly. I almost couldn't believe my own eyes. It's more than twice of what I been seeing before. It was crazy. Ill never forget how sensitive it was and how inexperienced I was when touching it using my o...

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A man had a penis size of 25 inches.

He wanted to reduce the size of his penis so he went to a saint to tell him about his problem. The saint told him that there is a big turtle on a beach, if he tells you "no" then your penis' size would decrease by 5 inches.

So that man found the turtle and asked him, "Will you marry me ?" The...

During the Cold War, the Russian government came up with a plan to demoralize the Americans.

They placed an order with America's largest rubber manufacturer for 50,000 cases of condoms, 5 inches wide and 17 inches long.

Being a shrewd businessman, the owner of the company filled the order while simultaneously fulfilling his patriotic duty and making the Russians' ploy backfire.
...

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A man had a problem...he was a virgin because he had a 25 inch penis...

After seeking consults from all the Doctors in his town and being told no one could help him, the man sulks and starts walking home. A homeless man sitting on the sidewalk noticed his forlorn appearance and asked him what was wrong.

"I have a 25 inch penis and none of the Doctors in town are ...

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A well-endowed man has a 25-inch penis...

But it is too much for the ladies. So you goes to a doctor saying, "Doc, you got to help me. I have a 25-inch penis but it is too big. I need to make it smaller. What can I do?"

The doctor tells him, "Listen, I can't do anything for you, but rumor has it that there is a talking frog in the fo...

I only have luck dating meteorologists...

They only expect 3 to 5 inches

A Physicist, a Mathematics Professor, and a Statistician go out on a hunting trip.

They all spot a deer, sitting out in the open, totally exposed. The mathematics professor loads his rifle, shoots, and misses by 5 inches to the right. The shot shocks the deer and it freezes in place. The physicist then loads his rifle, shoots, and misses by 5 inches to the left. The statistician c...

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Three men, called Joe, Barry and Donald, were walking through some wild lands.

They were suddenly captured by some tribal people who turned out to be cannibals. Somehow they conveyed to these cannibals that they didn't want to be eaten. The cannibals conferred for a bit and decided that they'll let the men go on one condition. They told them that they can go if the individual ...

Mother Superior is travelling

Mother Superior was traveling by bus with a young novice nun.

They had to change buses in anothyer city.

They had packed a lunch and found a bench in the bus station to spread their lunch on a cloth between them.

As they ate the young novice noticed a large scale in a corner t...

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For the last time, NO! NO! NOOOO!

So, there's this man. He's young, healthy, reasonably attractive, good job, etc.

Only problem is, he has a 25 inch penis. This might might sound great if you're a 12 year old, but it soon becomes the bane of his existence. Every time he meets a nice lady, eventually things lead to the bedroom...

“NSFW” Why are women so bad with directions?

They can’t tell distance. They’ve been told 5 inches is actually 8 inches so much it’s ingrained.

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My favorite shaggy dog story to tell when I'm at the bar.

A fish is swimming out in a lake, when he sees a fly flitting around, 3 feet above the water. The fish thinks to himself, "If that fly comes down about 5 inches, I can eat it!", so he sits and waits.

A bear sees the fish watching the fly and thinks to himself, "When that fly comes down a few ...

A physicist, mathematician, and engineer go to target practice

The engineer is up first and hits 5 inches to the right of the bullseye. The physicist says, "No no no, you forgot to account for the curvature of the Earth and the wind." The physicist does his calculations, but misses 5 inches to the left of center. The mathematician yells: "BULLSEYE! Great job gu...

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An American, an Indian and a Chinaman are hiking through a forest in Africa

On their way they get captured by a Cannibal tribe. The tribal leader comes up to them and says, "I'll let you guys go if collectively your dicks measure longer than mine." The tribal leader has his penis measured and it comes out to be 11.25 inches. The three men get nervous.

The American d...

What's the difference between medium and rare?

5 inches is medium, but 8 is rare.

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15 Inches

An Asian man, a black man, and a white man are sitting in a bar when a thug busts in and pulls out a gun. He demands everyone to empty their valuables into his bag or he will shoot them but no one moves. Confused, the thug asks why they aren't moving and the Asian tells him that they are all really ...

The problem with dating a model...

... is that she's only 5 inches tall and I have to paint her myself.

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A man has a 25 inch penis

A man has a 25 inch penis. This is much too long, and he is never able to get any satisfaction from his relationships, and had grown tired of accidentally hurting his partners. So, one day he decides to do something about it. He goes to the doctor, and asks if the doctor can shrink his penis. The do...

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My favorite joke involving an old woman and a dildo

An old woman walked into a sex shop and approached the clerk behind the cash register.

"Excuse me young man, do you sell dildos here?" She asked the clerk.

The clerk was of course surprised to see such an old woman in the shop, but still managed to be polite and replied "Yes we do ma'...

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The 25-Inch Dick

Once, there was a man who had a 25 inch dick which was obviously very troublesome for him, he consulted doctors and tried home remedies but had no effect. His mother, who was very religious told him to meet a saint. Reluctantly, he agreed. This was a special saint, who lived in the deep woods of Ind...

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A beautiful woman approaches a man at a bar and asks

"How big is your dick?"

"depends on which of your senses you're using to measure" replies the man

"what do you mean?"

"well if you use your sense of sight it's 3 inches"

The woman sighs and begins to walk away. The man grabs her arm and says,

"but if you use you...

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(NSFW) A man looks to shorten his "size"

There once was a man whose penis was 25 inches in size. He was unable to have sex and searched for a cure.

He hears from a friend about a woman who can shorten penis size with her magic. He was skeptical and reluctant, but eventually he travels to the woman's home.

Once he gets there ...

Wow! 3 inches of snow fell last night!

Or as some guys like to call it, 6.5 inches

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A Horse's Ass

Does the statement "We’ve always done it that way" ring any bells?

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?

Because that’s the way they built them in England, and English expatri...

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The frog

A man goes into a doctors office to complain about a problem he has been having. He has a 25 inch penis. He complained that it was getting in the way and he was tired of people looking at him due to his modest nature. Unfortunately for him, the doctor had only experienced patients who want to enlarg...

Husband - My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home...

*Police Sergeant*:
What is her height?

*Husband*:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

*Sergeant*:
Colour of eyes?

*Husband*:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

*Sergeant*:
Colour of hair?

*Husband*:
Changes a couple times a ...

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A man walks into a bar

and sits down at a table. On the table, in front of the man, were two small white stripes on the table, about 4-5 inches from the man. When the waiter comes, the man asks why there are two white stripes on his table.

Waiter: "Oh, yesterday, two drunk men were arguing about which one has the b...

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Turner brown

A dwarf was riding an elevator.
In comes a big man.
The man says: I’m 6ft 5 tall, I’m 3ft 9 wide, my dick is 15 inches long and my name is Turner Brown.
The dwarf passed out. When he woke up, he said “what was the last thing you said?”
The big man answered, I said “my name is Turner B...

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