UPJOKE

5 Dollar Jokes

If I had 5 dollars in one pocket and 5 dollars in the other what do I have?

Someone else's pants on.

My grandfathers favorite joke.

Finding 5 dollars on the street makes your whole week.

But earning 5 dollars on the street makes your hole weak.

A man walks into a brain store to buy a new brain

He goes to the clerk and says

"Hello, I'd like to purchase a new brain".

The clerk replies with "Sure, here are some of our brains we have on sale"
"Here's the brain of a physicist, 5 dollars."

"Here's our second deal for today. The brain of an anti-vaxxer, 10,000 dollar...

If I had 5 dollars for...

.... every math test I have failed, I would have 57 dollars.

transatlantic voyage 5 dollars

A guy sees a newspaper ad that says "transatlantic voyage only five dollars". He's never been overseas so he heads down to the dock on the coast and sure enough, there's a shack with a sign "transatlantic voyage $5". He gives the attendant five bucks and is handed a pair of oars. The attendant sh...

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3 boys find a 5 dollar bill on the sidewalk

3 boys find a 5 dollar bill on the sidewalk and try to decide how to spend it.
The first boy says "we should go buy a comic book". The other 2 decide against it, realizing that once they've read it, they'll have nothing left.
The second boy says "we should go buy candy". The other 2 decide aga...

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The 5 Dollar Hooker

A desperate, sex-crazed man has a sudden urge to get his willy-whacked, so he goes downtown to pick up a hooker.

The man finally picks up a hooker and and is on his way to a safe spot away from the city to do his dirty business. When they arrive at their destination, he tells her, "I only hav...

Yesterday I asked a man I met on /r/short to lend me 5 dollars

He said, “Sorry, I’m a little short.”

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A man visits a lady of the night, she only wants 5 dollars.

The next day he wakes up, and realizes he has crabs. The man goes back to the prostitute and tells her “Hey, you gave me crabs”. She responds, “for 5 dollars did you expect Lobster?”

Sorry just watching the office for the first time.

A woman is sitting beside a businessman on an airplane...

The businessman is quite bored, so he tries to get the woman to play a game with him. "Let's play a game. We take turns asking questions. If I can't answer one of yours, I'll pay you 5 bucks, but if you can't answer one of mine, then you'll give me 5 bucks."

The woman ignores him and tries to...

Did you hear about the Jewish boy who asked his father for 5 dollars?

His father replied,

"4 dollars? What the hell do you need 3 dollars for??"

A man goes to a 5 dollar hooker..

A man goes to see a 5 dollar hooker, he does his business and the goes home. The next day he was furious, he got crabs from the hooker. He decides to go back to the hooker and complain.

Man: This is outrageous I pay you and I get crabs!!!

Hooker: Well what did you expect for 5 dollars...

I found an investment with a 5 dollar initial deposit and $500,000 return upon maturity.

Who woulda thought the ROI would be so high on a condom?

A blonde sits next to a professor on a plane

The flight gets longer and longer and the professor looks over at the blonde and makes a deal with her

They will tell eachother a riddle. If she can solve his she gets 500 dollars and if he can solve hers he gets only 5 dollars. The blonde feeling she has nothing to lose gives her riddle
<...

A guy is sitting on the toilet and drops a 5 dollar bill in the now sludge-like water.

He looks at it and says
"Awe man, that's disgusting, I'm not going to stick my hand in that for 5 dollars!"
Then he takes out his wallet, pulls a twenty dollar bill out, and throws it in the bowl.
"But for 25 dollars I will!"

A woman brought her hamster to the vet

A women brought her hamster to the vet. The vet takes a look and concludes the hamster died.

The woman doesn't believe it and request further investigation. So the vet lets in a Labrador. The dog sniffs around the hamster and shortly after he produces a sad whine, shakes his had and leaves th...

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a young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day some builders arrived to put up a house on the lot

The family had a three year old daughter who naturally took some interest in all the activity going on next door.

She hung around on the margins, and eventually the builders adopted her as kind of a mascot. They chatted to her and gave her little pretend jobs to do.

At the end of the w...

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The old Mailman

A 65-year old mailman decided it was time to retire. When the small
commmunity he worked for found out, they decided they should do
something nice for him, since he'd served them for the past 45
years.

So, the last day on the job, the mailman went up to the first house,
and the ho...

A Chinese lawyer decides to go into the hospital business and has a sign outside of his practice that says, “GET CURED PAY 50 DOLLARS, UNCURED I PAY YOU 1000 DOLLARS”

A lawyer sees this sign and thinks it is a good way to get some money. He goes to the doctor and says, “help, I have lost my sense of taste”

the doctor says, ”OK, the Moutai will cure this”

the lawyer says, “ugh, this is kerosene”

”congrats, your sense of taste is restored. give...

Elon Musk and some European guy sat next to eachother on a plane.

Being bored, Musk turned to the European and said; "Lets play a game. You ask me a question, if I dont know the answer, I pay you 500 dollars. Then I ask you a question, if you dont know the answer, you pay me 5 dollars." The European, thinking for a second, said; "sure, but you ask the first questi...

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Blonde vs lawyer

A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks the blonde if she wants to play a game, "All you have to do is ask a question and if i get it wrong or don't know it i give you five dollars, then i ask you a question and if you get it wrong you pay me five dollars." <...

Every day a man goes into a coffee shop. Everyday he orders the same drink from the same barista and pays exactly 5 dollars . He always sits in the same seat, finishes the drink and leaves.

One day he orders the same drink from the same barista and extends the 5 dollar bill. The barista informs the man, “sir, I’m sorry but we’ve raised the price to $5.25.” The man hesitantly takes out another dollar and hands it to the lady. She tries to hand him back the extra .75 cents but he refuses...

Cow for sale

An old farmer in serious financial trouble put an ad selling a cow for $500.

Another farmer went to see it and they agreed to deliver the cow the next day, paying in advance.

However, the next day the buyer came and old farmer said:

I'm sorry, but I have some bad news. The cow d...

A teacher asked her kindergartens...

Who the most important person in history is and whoever gets it right gets 5 dollars, one of the kids yells, "Abe Lincoln." The teacher smiles and shakes her head no, another kid yells, "George Washington." Again, the teacher shakes her head. The class becomes quiet as they all begin to think before...

Son keeps tipping the waitress

Every sunday father and son go to the same restaurant.
When asking for the bill the waitress come and places the bill in the table, they put the right amount on the table but the son puts a 500 dollars tip.

Next Monday the father goes the same restaurant pays and leave a 5 dollars tip. ...

there was a 2nd grade student who was crying

His teacher approached him and asked

Teacher: why are crying kid?

Student: Waaaaah I lost my 5 dollars!

His teacher felt sorry for him and gave him a 5$ from his wallet then the Student happily walked away.

On his way the Student friends saw with the money and asked where...

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A poor man goes to a sex club

After standing in line to get in het gets to the doorman. "What can I get for $5" the poor man says.

"You can get into the mystery room" says the doorman and he proceeds to lead the poor man to a door. Once he opens the door he sees a big round chamber with in the middle a donkey with a small...

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A sailor arrives to a port city

He runs off to the closest brothel and begs the madam
“Madam, I just spent the last two years at sea with men only around me, I must be with a woman, but I only have 5 dollars, is there someone I can get for 5$?”

The Madam answers -
“Well, 5$ is way too cheap for anything… but, there is...

A cute one I heard from a friend at work.

Three animals walk into a bar; A duck,a skunk and a deer. They go up to the bar and order 3 drinks. "5 dollars" Says the bartender. The deer looks at the duck and says "I don't have a buck to my name!" the skunk cries "I have no money, not even a scent!" but the duck says to the bartender "It's alri...

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A man walks into a bar with a donkey and an ostrich.

He sits down at the counter and asks for a beer.

“That will be 5.98$, sir.”, the bartender says.

The man, puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out 5 dollars and 98 cents in exact change.

“How much will it cost to buy everyone here a round of drinks?”, the man asks, taking a s...

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A man walks into a brothel.

He goes up to the lady at the front desk and says, “good afternoon, I have 5 dollars what can I get?” She replies, “uhh we have a room, but it’s not that impressive, second door on the right.” The man hands the women the 5 dollars and goes to the room. He opens the door and sees a table, chicken, lu...

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What's a penguin?

A man is walking down the street and is really horny. He goes to the
first brothel he sees but only has five dollars, so they kick him out.

The man goes to the next one. But, since he only has five dollars,
he gets kicked out again.

So by this time, he's really super horny,...

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A man commisions his three kids to each sell a duck

The eldest goes out, and returns having sold the duck for 5 dollars.
The middle child goes out, and returns a tad more successful having sold the duck for 10 dollars.
The youngest child goes out, and while at the market, gets propositioned by a lady of the night. He explains he has no money...

A man goes into the doctor.

He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."
"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has thi...

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A 10 year old and Albert Einstein play a game

Both of them will take turns to ask each other a question and if one can't answer the other's question, he has to pay the other a sum of money.

To make the game fair, if the boy fails to answer a question, he only has to pay Einstein 5 dollars, on the other hand, if Einstein fails, he has to...

A girl is dared by a boy to climb the school flagpole

She bets him 5 dollars she can and he agrees.
She climbs all the way to the top and gets her 5 dollars.

She tells her mom about her acomplishment feeling proud.

"Oh honey he just wanted you to climb the pole so he could see your underwear" She says shaking her head.

A little ...

Not my joke but its funny either way

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender gives it to him and says “That will be one dollar.” The man is shocked and asks the bartender why the drink is only one dollar. The bartender replies and says, “We’re doing a special sale today!” The man asks the bartender “Wha...

A hungry man stops at a small restaurant along the road...

to buy something to eat. Behind the bar is a very attractive young girl smiling at him. Next to her is a board that reads:

* Tuna Sandwich $8
* Beef Sandwich $9
* Turkey Sandwich $8.5
* Handjob $5

After having read the board, the man asks the beautiful girl "Hey gorgeous are y...

A guy walks in to an appliance store

And the salesman immediately approaches him saying:

"Sir, would you be interested in a 4K Super smart tv with a voice remote, connection to youtube,netflix and social sites and instant access to thousands of channels around the world"

"Okay... For how much?"

"ONLY 5 dollars" - S...

Albert Einstein and Homer Simpson had a bet.

Albert Einstein says “If I can’t answer your question, i’ll give you a million dollars. If you can’t answer my question, you have to give me five dollars.”

Homer says “ok”

Albert Einstein says “I’ll start: What is the capital of France?”

Homer says “lol idk”

Homer gives E...

A guy sees a granny selling cabbages.

The business is not good and no one seems to be interested in buying them. They all cost 5 dollars each. He decided to buy one. He continued to buy one each day until he just gave money for a cabbage without taking one.


Then one day as usual he gave 5 dollars, turned to leave but the gran...

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Bought a Magic toilet

At first i accidentally flushed my silver necklace down the toilet.

The next day i found silver jewelries on the bathroom floor.

Then i decided to flush down my gold ring.

The very next day, gold jewelries everywhere in bathroom.

I realized that my toilet is magical so i...

"Hey, wanna play a game?"

A blonde and a lawyer find themselves sitting next to each other on airplane. As take-off begins the lawyer already finds himself getting bored, and so he turns to the blonde and says "Hey, wanna play a game?" Slightly interested, the blonde turns back to him and says "What is it?"

"Well, the...

A dude is having a yard sale and is selling his TV

Customer: "Sweet I do need a new TV. How much?"
Seller: "5 dollars"

C: "What? Why is it so cheap?"

S: "Well it's stuck on full volume. The remote doesn't work"

C: "And you're just gonna sell it for $5 because you can't make it quieter?

S: "Yep"

C: "Wow. Can't tu...

A man is driving down a road, when suddenly, he notices that his gas tank is running dangerously low.

A man is driving down a road, when suddenly, he notices that his gas tank is running dangerously low. He pulls over at the next gas station he sees, and while his gas is being refilled, goes into the station to get a drink.

He picks out a drink, and as he is buying it, notices a sign that re...

Whats what

A dad gives his son a 5 dollar bill and tells him to go buy 5 dollars worth of whats what. So he goes to the grocery store and says to the manager, excuse me mr manager, can I get 5 dollars worth of whats what? The manager says whats that? The kid says whats what, the manager says get out of here ki...

A man visits his doctor, complaining of hearing voices in his leg.

The doctor asks if the man has seen his psychiatrist, but the man insisted, "You are the family doctor, you are the only one that I trust with this."

The doctor uses his stethoscope on his patient's knee. He hears "Hey, hey doc, can you lend me 5 dollars?"

The doctor is alarmed, but co...

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Doctor breaking the news

A patient is at the doctors office, it is the end of his appointment and he is discussing the results with his doctor. The doctor says: “Why don’t you go downstairs to the vending machine and buy yourself a drink on me, this next bit of news might be tough to hear.” The doctor rummages around his po...

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A guy wants to get laid

A guy is super horny and wants to get laid however he doesn't want to put much effort into it so he goes down to china town and looks for a hooker. He ends up finding this beautiful girl she said she would do anything oral, anal anything he wanted for just 5 Dollars. He takes her back to the hotel a...

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A boy and his Grandpa are out looking for nightcrawlers in their backyard to go fishing.

When the boy pulls out a huge nightcrawler and exclaims to his Grandpa " Grandpa, look at this ONE!"

His Grandpa says "That's quite the big nightcrawler you got there. Hey, bet ya 5 bucks you can't get that nightcrawler back in it's hole."

The little boy says "Deal!". Then runs inside ...

I'm Gonna Bust An Aldi

Me: Hey Jared, do you want to go to Aldi's?

Jared: I prefer Subway and their 5 Dollar Footlongs

Me: I thought you were more of an Aldi's guy

Jared: Why's that?

Me: Thought you would enjoy Aldi's Nuts.

An Indian man and Einstein

Are on a flight, Einstein makes a bet with the man sitting next to him.
"I will give you 500 dollars if you can ask me a question I don't know the answer to,however, if you cannot answer my question you must give me 5 bucks."
The man thinks it about 5:500 seems like a good ratio so he says sur...

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Horny hobo goes to a sex hotel

So an old poor man, David, walked in to a sex hotel and asked the receptionist what action he could get for 5 dollars to which the receptionist replied ''Go to room 54''.
The man went up the stairs and at the end of the hallway was room 54, he walked in and saw a really old lady. He thought to...

A businessman and a blonde sit next to each other on a plane.

The businessman is bored so he asks the blonde to play a game." I ask you a question. If you can't answer it you give me 5 dollars. Then you ask me a question, and if I can't answer I'll give you 5 dollars".

The blonde agrees but hikes up the businessman's penalty to 500 dollars, complaining...

Son asks for money

A young jewish son asks his dad for $5 dollars.

The dad responds shocked, "$4 dollars? What do you need $3 dollars for?"

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The Fair

Jake and John are walking around the annual fair. Suddenly they see a stall with a curtain and a sign saying 'Blowjob 5 Dollars'. Jake quickly pushes John aside, goes behind the curtain, drops his pants and puts 5 dollars in the box. John, waiting outside, is surprised to see his friend return after...

That poor man.

Daddy please can I have 5 bucks so I can give that poor man outside? he is screaming.

Sure, there you have it. What he is screaming about?

Ice cream! All you can have it for 5 dollars

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A man find himself feeling really, really, very horny but also short on money.

Nevertheless, he heads to his local bordello in search of some relief.

He walks in, goes to the nice lady at the front desk, and slaps a $5 dollar bill on the counter. "Lady, this is all the money I got, but I really need some satisfaction, if you get my meaning. What can you do for me?...

A smart scientist amd a blonde girl sit down on a plane.

A very smart man boards a plane and sits down.
A blond girl sits next to him.

He is bored so he says to her

"Let's play a game, I give you a riddle if you cannot find the answer you pay me 5 dollars. If you answer it though you give me a riddle and I don't answer it I'll give you 30...

Make us happy!

There was Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton on a helicopter flying over New York, when Donald said “I will throw this 20 dollars out of the helicopter and make someone happy”, Hillary replay “I will throw this two 10 dollars bills out of the helicopter and make two people happy”, Donald with disgust ...

A farmer and a professor are on the train

The teacher walks up to him, seeing that he is the only one on the train.

The professor says "Hello farmer, I want to make a deal, if I ask you a question and you don't know the answer, you pay me 5 dollars. On the other hand, if you ask me a question and I don't get it, I pay you 500$."
<...

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A blonde is sitting by a lawyer on a plane ride.

On the ride the lawyer gets a little borde, he notices the blonde sitting beside him looking the same way.
So he taps on the blonde's shoulder and asked her "do you want to play a game?"

The blonde knowing he was a lawyer with his briefcase and suit; gives a sigh and said "I think I'd rat...

Mailman's last day of work.

It's the mailman's last day on the job, he goes to a woman's house and she invites him in, makes loves to him, makes him a wonderful breakfast and then gives him 5 dollars.

Mailman: 'What was that for?'

Woman: 'Well I asked my husband what to do for you on your last day and he said, ...

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America buys a rocket from the Russians

As they start working on it, it stops working. They call the Russians and they say they will send their best technician.

The tech arrives and gives the rocket a look, presses a button and the rocket hums to life, ready for work. He gives the Americans the bill

"10k?!?! For a single but...

The new CEO wanted to teach about productivity

After gathering the managers he spoke at the importance of cutting out the fat, streamlining the company, numbers and projections against the crisis and the need for a more energetic administration. After that, they left for lunch.

While passing through the offices, the new CEO found a young...

A man walks into a bar

he notices a jar of cash on the counter, and asks the bartender, ”what’s with the jar” the bartender explains it is the prize for completing a set of challenges, entry is $5. The man orders a few drinks, all the while he contemplates attempting the challenges. After his 5th glass he sets down $5 dol...

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