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A woman walks in with a huge grin on her face. Her husband asks "why are you so happy?". She says "I am 45 but my doctor told me that I've the breasts of an 18 year old. "Oh yea" quipped her husband. "What did he say about your 45 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up"

A 45 year old IT contractor was visited by Death one evening

**IT contractor:** No it can't be, I've still got so much of my life to live, I'm still so young!

**Death:** Son, by my calculations, you should be 85, judging by the way you've filled your work time sheets up all these years!

45 year old me: "Doctor, I have post birth depression." Doctor: "But you haven't birthed."

Me: "But I was born"

What do a 45 year old pregnant alcoholic and Ironman have in common?

Both have a little Downy Jr in them.

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45 year old charming guy

Having recently turned 45, I thought I had lost all the appeal and charm I used to have with the ladies, until today that is. At my local gas station, the pretty young girl who has served me every other day or so for several weeks asked for my number. I was taken aback. I explained how I was flatter...

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What do you call a 45 year old woman who believes in abstinence only sex-ed?

Grandma!

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A woman came home from her annual physical smiling happily.

"What are you so happy about?" her husband asked.

"The doctor finished my physical and told me I have the breasts of an 18 year old!"

Her husband snorted derisively at her.

"Oh yeah? Well what did he say about your 45 year old asshole?"

"I dunno," she replied, "you never ...

A man visits a counselor

The counselor says "You should look to improve your life, but it'll take a lot of work on your part."

Months pass, and the man comes back.

"What brings you in today?" asks the counselor.

"Two things. First, thanks for the advice it totally worked!"

"What... that was fast,...

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