40 Dollar Jokes

Man arrives home drunk. He's plowed, staggering, reeking of booze and his shirt is covered in vomit.

"I can't believe you let yourself get like this! Look at your shirt, you've puked all over yourself!"

"No... honey, honeshtly... it washn't me, it was thish other guy who puked on me.... read more

Suddenly he throws up down the front of his shirt and starts sobbing to himself. "What's wrong?", the bartender asks. "I can't go home like this. My wife would rip my head off if she saw me staggering through the door in this state." "Aha!", said the bartender, "here's what you'll do. Put a 20 dolla... read more

A man goes to see a prostitute and and asks her how much and she tells him 40 dollars.
"Okay I'll give you 40 dollars but we have to do it my way."
"Well I don't know" she says. "I don't wanna do any weird stuff"

"Well how about 60 dollars to do it my way?" he asks
"I'm not sure" she... read more

...all week on a super important project. Its late Friday evening and he and a coworker are finally finishing up.

His co-worker says, “We have to go out for a beer tonight, man. This week has been pure hell.”

The guy replies, “Man, you know I can’t. My wife will kill me.”

“C’mon... read more

The drunk starts crying. The bartender asks him why he's crying and the drunk says "my wife told me if I get so drunk that I throw up on myself again, she's gonna divorce me." The bartender thinks for a minute and slips the drunk a 20 dollar bill in his shirt pocket. The drunk says "what's this for... read more

These two coworkers are talking and the one invites the other for a drink. "No, I can't. I promised her I wouldn't drink anymore." says the one. "Just come along and have one drink, one drink." says the other and the one finally agrees.

They get to the bar and have a drink and shoot a game o... read more

A man is drinking a beer at the bar when his friend walks in and asks him if he wants to do some shots.
"Nah, I shouldn't. Every time I do shots, I get really drunk and throw up and then my wife gets really pissed at me when she goes to do the laundry."
The friend laughs at this and says, "Ea... read more