UPJOKE

3 Year Jokes

Why was the anti-vaxxer’s 3 year old crying?

They were having a mid-life crisis.

After 3 years, the wife starts to think...

...that their child looks different, so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you

Husband: What’s up?

Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not o...

I hate when people ask how I see myself in 3 years

I don’t have 2020 vision

This is the only day you can upvote this

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A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed....

A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know dadd...

A father went shopping with his 3 year old son

The child was crying loudly and the father kept repeating calmly: "It's ok Johnny, don't cry Johnny, everything's gonna be fine."

When they reach the cashier, the child continued to cry louder but the father kept reapeating calmly: "We're almost done Johnny, you're gonna be home soon Johnny, ...

My gf borrowed $100 from me. After 3 years, when we seperated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost interest in that relationship.

My 3 year old made up this joke

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Howie.

Howie who?

Good, how are you?

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[NSFW] I've been 1 week in college and already had five times the sex I had in 3 years of highschool.

5x0=0

Interviewer: how do you explain the 3 year gap on your resume?

Me: oh, that was when I went to Yale

Interviewer: Amazing, you are hired!

Me: hurray! I got a Yob!

The interviewer asked me what I’d been doing for the last 3 years

“Yale” I replied

He thought this was wonderful and he offered me the position

I replied “That’s fantastic. I really need this yob”.

I nibbled on my 3 year olds ear and said "I'm going to eat your ears". She said "Papa! No! Don't eat my ears!"

"My mask will fall off!"

(True story from yesterday, happy end of 2021!)

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A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom

'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'

The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,

'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthu...

My doctor told me that I was going deaf 3 years ago…

I haven’t heard from him since.

What takes 3 years?

Making a successful post on my cake day!

My son would've been 3 years old today

Her: OMG WHAT HAPPENED?!



Me: I pulled out...

3 years ago I married my best friend..

My girlfriend was angry, but me and Dave thought it would be hilarious

So, my 3 year old cousin was over this morning.

I needed to grab a quick shower as I let him watch cartoons in the living room. When I came out, there was black permanent marker all over my 55 inch TV screen. I LITERALLY FREAKED OUT. Does anyone know what is best used to clean blood out of a carpet?

I invited my girlfriend of 3 months to a party for my 13 year old nephew. She let out an audible "awww," told me how sweet I was and that my invitation meant the world to her.

Should've seen the look on her face when I told her it was a search party.

My 3 year old's knock knock joke - innocence shattered

3 yr old: Knock Knock Daddy!

Me: Who's there?

3 yr old: (excitedly waving around their fork heaped with spaghetti and slinging sauce everywhere) Fork!

Me: Fork who?

*wife and I lock eyes; we each slowly make "the face" as we realize what is about to come out of our 3 yea...

My 3 year old just got me with this one...

3 yo: Can I please have a mystery?
Me: What is that?
3 yo: I don't know, it's a mystery (laughs hysterically)

The First 3 Years of Marriage

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen

A 3 years old boy sits near a pregnant woman.

Boy: Why do you look so fat? Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me. Boy: Is it a good baby? Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby. Boy: Then why did you eat it?!

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A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that the grandfather has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, etc.
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long - easy, boy." Another outburst and she he...

With Christmas coming up, my wife asked our 3 year old what do you know about Jesus? To which she replies "well I know he's a bad driver and a moron"

Because every time I'm in the car with Daddy, all he ever says is "Jesus Christ learn how to drive you freaking moron"

A 3 year old....

A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady.
“Why is your stomach so big?” – he asks.
“I´m having a baby.” – she replies.
“Is the baby in your stomach?” – he asks, with his big eyes.
“Yes, it is.” – she says.
“Is it a good baby?” – he asks, with a puzzled look.
“Oh, yes. A...

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A 3 year old examined his testicles while taking a bath

'Mom' he asked,
'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet', she replied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've had 3 years of casual sex

I guess I'm finally prepared for competitive sex.

Joke from my 3 year old daughter

I was putting my daughter to bed tonight and she told me she had a joke for me.

What kind of bat knows the A, B, Cs?




The alphaBAT

I was a flat earther for 3 years

Then I turned 4

My 3 year old daughter as a pink fairy princes

To my wife: “I’ll make you a queen!”
To me: “I’ll make you a cookie monster!”

My 3 year old told me this one.

Him: want to hear a knock knock joke

Me: sure

Him: knock knock

Me: who’s there

Him: joke

I've been sleeping with my maid for the past 3 years.

Just don't tell me wife, she hates it when I call her that.

Whitney Houston is 3 Years sober!

Wow! Never thought it would happen

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After 3 years with her, my fiance's still a real good looker.

No matter where I hide the porn, she always seems to find it!

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My neighbors think I’m having sex with a 3 year old.

I tried to explain it to them but they didn’t seem comforted when I cleared up the fact that my German Shepherd is actually 21 in dog years.

What’s it called when a 3 year old antivaxx kid starts having a fit?

A midlife crisis

My younger brother took his life 3 years ago. Always a comedian, here’s his cheesiest joke

Farmesan the dairy farmer is feeling bleu because of a string of falls he's been suffering. He calls up his doctor, Dr. Edam JaColby, and tells him "Doc, I'm in so much paineer!"and schedules an appointment. So Farmesan carephilly stumbles over to the clinic. "You mozzarella needed to see me cause y...

My 3 year old's first joke: what did the lumberjack say to the tree?

I saw you.

I haven’t talked to my wife in 3 years

I don’t like to interrupt people

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I decided to give my 3 year old sister a rapper name

She’s lil shit

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A 3 year old was examining his testicles in the bath.

"Mom" he asks, "are these my brain?"

"Not yet" she responds.

In 3 years I lost 180lbs...

I told her to get the hell outta my house and never come back.

Here’s a joke my 3 year old loves to tell

Why did the lizard cross the road?

Because it was stapled to the chicken.

Being on reddit for 3 years has taught me one thing

Im gonna get ol'

3 years ago during my first reservists training

I am from Singapore and all relatively healthy males need to serve the army for 2 years and 10 reservist cycles

During my first reservists, many of our combat boots start to fall apart due to the adhesive hardening up and breaking apart, thus many of us have to walk to the store to purchase ...

My dad is 3 years sober today!

He also died 3 years ago...

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Me and my girlfriend have been together for 3 years now NSFW

Me and my girlfriend have been together for 3 years now and the vanilla sex stuff really got us bored. So we decided to finally step up the game. We tried blindfolds, wax, tying each other up but it was just not working for us. I brought up the topic of anal but she was really scared of it because i...

After 3 years I finally finished my first novel.

I enjoyed it so much I might read another one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The results of a 3-year trial for a drug that prevents diabetes are in.

A scientist walks into his boss's office to brief him on the results.

"How did you conduct this study?" asked the boss,

"We gave a group of 300 participants our drug, at 3 doses a day, and another 300 a placebo. We then found the number of people in each group who had diabetes." replie...

Why did the unvaccinated 3 year old want a new car?

He was having a mid-life crisis,

I wanted to have a child for about 3 years.

That's why I chose not to vaccinate them

The 3 year old and the beggar

The beggar knocked on the door . A 3 year old boy came and opened the door for him. The beggar asked if he could have a glass of water. The 3 year old boy said , "wait" and then he went and got the water with the yogurt pot. ( you have to know , the place where I Iive sells yogurt with the a big sor...

I only sleep with antivaxers

3 years of child support is way better than 18

Someone asked me today where I see myself in 3 years

I removed my glasses and said i don't know, unfortunately I don't have 2020 vision.

My girlfriend of 3 years told me that she's not worried about getting her Johnson & Johnson COVID-19 vaccination.

She said, at this point, she's accustomed to one small prick.

My wife bought me a Lego car set to build and it said +3 years in the box.

I got the last laugh, I finished it in 2.

An attractive co-worker that I’ve been working with for 3 years confessed to me today, but I rejected her.

One way to spot a woman with low standards is when they start liking me.

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a 3 year old is a lot like bill cosby

When you Wake up from a nap and they're naked, doing a bunch of shit you dont like

What does the 3 year old kid next door & myself have in common?

We both want his mommy

I really miss my kids, I haven’t seen them for 3 years.

But the line at the grocery store is really long and I promised I would get some milk.

This one just came from my 3 year old, she’s still learning jokes: What do you call a monkey on a swing?

A monkey going “wee-wee”

Normally her jokes don’t make *any* sense, but this one actually made us laugh

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For 3 years, a guy tries to sleep with a girl

But he never convinced her.

One day he came up with an offer. He asked her if she wanted to do anal for $3k. She said no.
He offered her $4k, she still said no. He then raised it to $5k and told her that's the maximum I can give you. She thought about it and said yes.

They went to...

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