UPJOKE

3 Month Jokes

I invited my girlfriend of 3 months to a party for my 13 year old nephew. She let out an audible "awww," told me how sweet I was and that my invitation meant the world to her.

Should've seen the look on her face when I told her it was a search party.

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months.

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And, your brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Ohh, that’s actually a nice n...

A 3 month pregnant woman falls into a deep coma...

She awakens from her coma in the hospital around a year later. She quickly asks the doctor "how is my baby?" The doctor said "you had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are in the care of your brother who also named the pair." The mother says "what? No, not my brother. He's an idiot." "What did he na...

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I've had constipation for 3 months

Never been to the doctors in years, but took myself there as not had a number 2 in a long time.

Doc says "what have you been eating"?

I said well doc I've been eating snooker balls!!

What?? Snooker balls Charlie??

Yes doc, in the morning I have 3 reds a pink, bowl porrid...

You have 3 months to spend 500 million dollars and get nothing in return, how do you do it?

Run for president.

The last time I washed my hair was 3 months ago....

I wasn't completely bald then....

I ordered a book online 3 months ago

"How to avoid getting scammed on the internet". It has not arrived yet.

3 months

2 buddies are quietly sitting in a boat fishing and drinking beer when one of them suddenly confessed to his friend, "Think I'm gonna divorce my wife... she ain't spoke to me in over 3 months."

The friend spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over... women...

Doctor gave me 3 months to live...

I'm so lazy I missed the deadline, that was 4 months ago.

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A man is dared to stay 3 months in the dessert without masturbating

The man is told that he will receive 1.000.000$ if he can resist in the dessert for 3 months without masturbating
He will get a house, full with electicity, food and water supply for 3 months

The guy then asks:

-But what about sex?

The other guy replies:

-Uhm...you ca...

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[translated] A couple were in divorce court just 3 months after marriage.

Judge : why did you decide to divorce so early in the marriage?

Wife : he has a problem with premature ejaculation.

Husband : I'm perfectly fine with that. It's SHE who has a problem with that.

3 months ago, Senator McConnell took my rabbit.

Mitch better have my bunny.

My Account is 3 Months and 14 Days Old, So It's Not My Cake Day

It's my Pie Day

Pie Day's over, get out of my house

Every 3 months buying new toothbrushes is expensive!

I have 32 teeth to buy toothbrushes for, I wish someone would invent a teethbrush!

Doctor - "You have 3 months to live"

Me - "Well can I at least choose which months?'

"Dad, your credit card has been stolen for 3 months and you haven't reported yet!

- Shut up kid, the thief is spending less than your mother.

A man wishes on a genie, that every day for the next 3 months be better than the last.

so the genie breaks his arm.

I’m officially 3 months clean...

I have successfully taken a shower everyday for the past 90 days, hope this can continue!

After being 3 months sober from drinking, I bought myself a motivational poster to keep my spirits up.

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." -Wayne Gretzky

Guy goes to a psychiatrist for 3 months

Success! You’re cured says the psychiatrist!!!

Why the depressed face?

The guy responds...

3 months ago I was Julius Caesar, Today I’m a nobody...

I went to my orthodontist for my 3 month checkup

It's a small practice, he makes some money on the side doubling as a psychic from time to time.

I sat down in the chair excited for my appointment. I quickly yelled "Look at my teeth! there has been so much change in only 3 months." He replied with "Yep, and there will actually be much more ...

The doctor said I had 3 months to live.

So I killed the doctor so the judge could give me 30 years.

I needed to lose some weight so I went on a 3 month diet plan. I don't want to brag, but...

...I just finished it in 72 hours.

A sailor lands a shore after 3 months at sea

He heads straight for the brothel and grabs the nearest hooker, he takes her upstairs and get straight to business

After 10 minutes he asks the hooker "how am i doing?"

"About 3 knots" she says.

"3 knots?!" The sailor said puzzled.

"Yes, you're not hard, you're not in, an...

A friend of mine has been fighting with Corona for 3 months now

Today his doctor told him: “look at you, after all this struggling you are still positive”

My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 3 months in prison 5 years ago

He's yet to finish his sentence

My name is John and I have been sober for 3 months

John: My name is John and I have been sober for 3 months

Susan: But John, this therapy group is for compulsive liars

John: Thank God because I'm drunk as hell.

over the The next 3 months, there's going to be a drought in Germany

Definitely looks like a Drei season

I took my 3 month old into the baby changing room at supermarket today

but there was only a ginger baby there so I kept the one i've got.

My son grew a foot in the last 3 months.

Anybody know where I can find shoes in sets of 3?

Doctor: You've got 3 months to live.

Doctor: You've got 3 months to live.

Woman: I'd like a second opinion.

Doctor: Okay. You're ugly too.

My credit card got stolen 3 months ago and I still haven’t reported it missing.....

....Whoever has it is spending far less than what my wife usually does.

A boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you 15bucks an hour starting today and in three months….,

I'll raise it to 18bucks an hour. So when would you like to start?"

"In 3 months," the employee replies.

A man was arrested for telling a joke which called Vladimir Putin stupid.

He was tried and sentenced to 15 years and 3 months in a work camp.


When asked about the strangely specific sentence, the judge explained that he gave 3 months for insulting the president, and 15 years for divulging state secrets.

Why did the Winter War only last 3 months?

The fighters were Russian to Finnish

A young couple dies on their way to their wedding....

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St...

What's the best part about summer in the U.S.?

3 months of no school shootings.

Putin, Obama and Merkel stand at the sea

Putin presents a submarine, saying: "This best russian technology! Our submarines stay 1 month under water without ever need to go surface!"

Obama smiles and says:
"This is our submarine... It can stay up to 3 months under water, no need to emerge even one time!"

Merkel stands next...

3 months of thorough dedication, proper diet and workout sessions but now the time has come, it is cheat day

can't wait to sleep with my girlfriend's sister.

My cousin was hospitalized for 3 months after a freak accident at a spaghetti factory..

Unfortunately, he pasta way

Recently signed up for a gym, even paid 3 months in advance. I just weighed myself and I gained 2 kilos!

“If this continues, I think I might have to go there and see what the hell is wrong”

A couple was going to get married…

but unfortunately they had a car crash and died. Before the gates of St Peter they stood thinking maybe they could get married in heaven. So they ask St Peter, and Peter says ”Well it’s quite rare, but let me see what I can do.” So St Peter goes into heaven. As the couple sits for a couple of months...

My father had cancer and he had only 3 months to live. By the end, he ended up surprising everyone.

He died in one month.

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The US, England and Ireland are presented with a question. Why is the head of the penis larger than the shaft?

The US funds a study for 6 months at $20 million, and concludes it is to give the man more pleasure during sex.

The British, not to be outdone by the Yankees, spend 3 months and half the money, and concludes it's to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The Irish, not to be outdone ...

Humorists of Reddit! I challenge your joke inventing skills! First comment gives the punch line; the reply is the rest of the joke! (repost from 3 months ago)

posted 3 months ago by someone whom I honestly can't remember, but it was indeed a good time for all.



*example*


Comment: To get to the other side


Reply: Why did the chicken peck away at the apple?

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A man wakes up from a coma. The nurse says to him, “You were in a terrible accident, and have been in a coma for 3 months. I’m afraid you can’t feel anything from the waist down.”

The man says, “Ok, can I feel your tits?”

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Santa and Mrs. Clause

Santa has been so busy with getting toys ready for next Christmas that he hasn't been able to be intimate with Mrs. Clause. They realized it had been 3 months since the last time they have had sex. That night, Santa decided to take a break from making toys to be intimate with his wife .

That ...

I heard that in the States that snitches get stitches...

And everyone else has to wait 3 months in urgent care

A Redditor posts a joke.

And within 2 minutes of submission he has 8 comments telling him, “that’s a repost and that same joke was submitted last month and got 3k upvotes. We only want original content here!” So he deletes it and moves on.

Two months later he hears a new joke and posts it. Again within 2 minutes of s...

Chinese economist asks American Economist

The Chinese stock market experienced a drastic drop over the past 3 months. With most local economists failing to explain this phenomena, a renowned Chinese economist decided to albeit reluctantly phone up his American counterpart.

Due to the fraught ties between the two countries, the Chines...

A young Catholic couple about to get married…

Died in a fiery car crash. They were met at the gates of heaven by St. Peter. They told him how deeply in love they were, and asked if it was possible to get married in heaven.

St. Peter told them he wasn’t sure but would find out and get back to them.

Three months later St. Peter sh...

Nobody rewarded me :(

I see people in the subreddit of ''GetMotivated'' writting stuff like ''I am a month free from alcohol'' or ''I am 3 months away from gambling'' and they get awards for doing that. Well I wrote there ''I am 3 months away from studying''. Nobody rewarded me. Thank you people of reddit!

A man called Andrew moved from Cork to Dublin to open a flower shop.

He was quite successful and through great marketing, quality product, and reasonable prices, Andrew's Flowers became the top garden shop in all Dublin. Some monks that had a stall set up nearby took notice and, since attendance at the local parish (and the accompanying tithing revenue) was way down,...

A farmer wants to grow his plants in the winter, so he puts them in the shower

A farmer wants to grow his plants in the winter. He believes that he can maintain the vegetables if they have enough room to grow deep roots, so he puts them in shower.
A month goes by, and no produce has popped up. The farmer realizes that some plants take 2 or 3 months to bloom.
A second mon...

My dad told me this joke in Serbian years ago. Hope it translates well.

A man is terminally ill and has 3 months left to live. Seeing as he was a holy man for all his life, God gave him a visit and granted him 3 wishes. The man ponders for a few minutes then asks for his first wish.

“God, I’d love to have a nice steak dinner and some brandy to wash it down with.”...

Supermarket franchise moves into small town

A big, nationwide operating grocery franchise opened a store in a small, rural town in the midwest. Since there was only a local farmers store across the street, the manager decided to bankrupt the local store and monopolize on the town. So he approached potential customers at the door of the local...

2 men walk into a bar

One of them shouts out "Everyone, drinks on me tonight." People are happy and they ask him what's the special occasion. He replies, me and my friend solved an extremely difficult puzzle in just 3 months. The people are like, "Damn that sure must have been an extremely hard puzzle." "You bet" says th...

DIY help needed

I’m trying to glue a velvet Elvis painting onto a plastic pink flamingo lawn ornament using contact cement. The instructions on the can say to apply to both surfaces and wait until they’re no longer tacky. It’s been 3 months. What am I doing wrong?

How many construction workers does it take to change a light bulb?

You need at least 4 people to figure out how to make this job last 3 months while the other 4 are on smoke break.

A man is tossed off an ocean liner and ends up on a desert island..

There are 2 other men who were living on the island so the man pitched a house and stayed waiting to be rescued. After 2 weeks, the other 2 men go and take a bath in the springs, shave their faces with cut glass and comb the rats out of their hair. The new man asks, "*what are you doing that for?*" ...

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The mayor is worried about juvenile crime in the city, so he orders various groups to do something about it. Half a year later, they meet to discuss their results.

"We reached out to local schools and started youth programs to keep children busy and educate them on better behaviour. Our studies show that crime among participants fell by 15% compared to the control group."

"We increased police presence in affected areas to deter unlawful behaviour. Our o...

I kicked a pregnant woman

She gave birth to me 3 months later.

I set one of my best friends ringtone to Never gonna give you up so every time he calls me I get rickrolled.

I haven’t been rickrolled in 3 months.

85 year ol man marries....

And sees his doctor "I just married an 18 year old au pair girl, and she wants to have a baby as I am getting old. Is there anything I can do to help speed this up?"

Doctor looks at the old man and says "get a young lodger!" With a wry smile.

5 months later the old man visits his doct...

A man is admitted to the hospital with chest pain.

The cardiologist orders a battery of test over the course of a week. While studding the patient's EKG he noticed that his heart rate was very erratic when his wife and daughter were visiting.

The doctor asked the man how his relationship was with his family.

Well I get along great with...

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My Ex-wife Wanted a b00b Job.

In an effort to save money, I told her that taking a few sheets of toilet tissue and rubbing it between her boobs twice a day would make her boobs grow. So my ex did this diligently for 3 months. Finally, after seeing no improvement, she came to me with a look of disappointment on her face. She aske...

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A millionaire wants to marry a virgin.

He wants to marry a virgin and starts looking. He meets a beautiful woman, takes her on a date and at the end of it whips out his penis and asks "Ever seen one of these before?" She's shocked and says "No, never!" He is over the moon and immediately asks her to marry him. She agrees. 3 months later ...

The company I work in is pretty transparent

In 3 month, there's about 4 cases of people running into the glass door.

Baseball in Heaven

Moe and Sam, who were both 90 years old, loved baseball, and they had their entire life. One day, they were sitting together on a bench in their neighborhood when Moe turns to Sam and says:

"Will you promise me something? Promise me that if you die first and go to heaven, you'll come back an...

Dentist: This will hurt a little

Patient: Ok

Dentist: I've been having an affair with your wife for 3 months now.

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We?

Husband comes out a very complicated surgery and tells his wife: Honey, the doctor said we can't have sex for about 3 months.

The wife replies: What do you mean 'we'? YOU cant have sex for 3 months...

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